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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to cut short our holiday for childcare?

553 replies

UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:20

This is not our problem ???

We are on holiday currently with our 2 dc (2 and 4) (Disney Paris) due back home on Wednesday. Dh has 2 older dc from previous marriage (6 and 8).

He gave his ex money for holiday childcare which she ‘forgot’ to book the first week so I had to look after dc which was fine as dh had work. Next week her mum was going to have the dc but is now unwell. She is telling dh he needs to come home early to have the dc as she can’t take the time off.

She is constantly messaging and calling and we are considering just turning our phones off if she continues pestering us this way.

This seems to be a regular thing with her not arranging childcare and then expecting us to rescue the situation which we try to accomodate if we can but this is the first time we’ve said no.

OP posts:
Itchysidefoot · Today 17:08

WhisperingHi · Today 17:05

Contributing towards childcare isn’t helping OP. His ex isn’t the primary parent, or at least shouldn’t be seen as such. He made the children, he should fund at least 50% of their costs.

Im sick of men moving on quickly, having more kids and feeling like a hero for paying for basic costs. And their next partners not seeing that this could easily be them.

Show quote history

Possibly will see in the future

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Today 17:21

Itchysidefoot · Today 17:04

So randomly the ex said give me money for childcare? Even though he wasn’t even due to see his children?

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Yes because we always help when we can , what he pays each month is a minimum set amount, we are aware that some months children cost more so we just adjust it just as you would if you have dc with you all
the time. Unexpected things come up and we could afford it so he gave her the money she just then didn’t book it which meant we had to help with childcare that week.

We didn’t ask for it back as didn’t feel it was worth causing tension over that amount of money.

OP posts:
itstooorangeyforcrows · Today 17:22

Itchysidefoot · Today 14:25

Oh yes… it’s another one of her crimes. Probably spent on getting drunk with friends or drugs. But definitely not the children

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You can scoff as much as you like, but women who are out for all they can get from their exes are very much a thing.

(Edited to add: as are men, before I’m accused of misogyny. 🙄)

0Thatsplenty0 · Today 17:54

Itchysidefoot · Today 16:57

No child is lesser than the other.

My point is… bizarre analogy to say that it’s no different from the ex and her
boyfriend not taking the OP’s children. Bizarre

Edited
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Haha, you're debating with yourself.

Itchysidefoot · Today 17:57

0Thatsplenty0 · Today 17:54

Haha, you're debating with yourself.

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Pointing out that was a shite analogy

No debate

Itchysidefoot · Today 17:58

itstooorangeyforcrows · Today 17:22

You can scoff as much as you like, but women who are out for all they can get from their exes are very much a thing.

(Edited to add: as are men, before I’m accused of misogyny. 🙄)

Edited
Show quote history

Are you married to a man with such an ex by any chance?

Itchysidefoot · Today 17:59

UnhealthierWhy · Today 17:21

Yes because we always help when we can , what he pays each month is a minimum set amount, we are aware that some months children cost more so we just adjust it just as you would if you have dc with you all
the time. Unexpected things come up and we could afford it so he gave her the money she just then didn’t book it which meant we had to help with childcare that week.

We didn’t ask for it back as didn’t feel it was worth causing tension over that amount of money.

Show quote history

Does this ex have any redeeming features al all? At the moment we have a pregnant cheater who moves far away from her children’s father, who demands he returns home because she’s disorganised and of course cheats him out of money.

By the way… what did you decide? Mobiles off?

Biscuitjockey · Today 18:15

This reply has been deleted

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Crazylady80 · Today 18:21

She will never learn if you always bail her out. You need to stand firm and say no. It’s as much for her good as it is for yours. On your return, don’t pander to her, especially if she’s the type to use emotional blackmail. Make it clear that it’s on her and that she caused the problem. Keep it simple, factual and just repeat.

Next time, she will have a backup plan that is not you, if she knows you will not change plans. Else I guarantee it will keep happening.

Perhaps in future, when you are at home and could have the kids, but it’s her turn, you should not be so readily available too. I think it needs to be actioned a few times to get the message through.

Lollipop81 · Today 18:23

So your on holiday in Disneyland without them. They are only 6 and 8, this seems so cruel to me. So yes you are unreasonable as they should be with you.
As for saying your always ‘helping out’ they are your husbands children, it’s not helping out is it.
I feel sorry for the children imagine your dad taking your younger siblings to Disneyland but not you.

Itchysidefoot · Today 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you alright?

Biscuitjockey · Today 18:26

Aye thanks , Are you? Why should they cut the holiday short because the mother’s incapable of making sure she has childcare. What don’t you understand?

Itchysidefoot · Today 18:28

Biscuitjockey · Today 18:26

Aye thanks , Are you? Why should they cut the holiday short because the mother’s incapable of making sure she has childcare. What don’t you understand?

Calm down

Not remotely what I think or indeed any other poster thinks the op should pack up and come home

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Today 18:29

Itchysidefoot · Today 17:59

Does this ex have any redeeming features al all? At the moment we have a pregnant cheater who moves far away from her children’s father, who demands he returns home because she’s disorganised and of course cheats him out of money.

By the way… what did you decide? Mobiles off?

Edited
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Just on silent in the bottom of my bag. We check every so often just in case as turning them off means it’s a pain when taking photos and if there was any kind of emergency we want to know obviously.

OP posts:
OneCalmFish · Today 18:41

Lollipop81 · Today 18:23

So your on holiday in Disneyland without them. They are only 6 and 8, this seems so cruel to me. So yes you are unreasonable as they should be with you.
As for saying your always ‘helping out’ they are your husbands children, it’s not helping out is it.
I feel sorry for the children imagine your dad taking your younger siblings to Disneyland but not you.

The older 2 went with their Dad last year, to follow their itinerary and not have to deal with the younger 2s naps etc op has already said this

andweallsingalong · Today 18:46

This isn't the first time so I would get DH to take responsibility for booking childcare directly with the providers so you know it's done.

Is it definitely booked or is she being controlling?

Beingseenisneedy · Today 18:47

MiaKulper · Yesterday 13:10

Your DH had your DC1 (his DC3) when his DC2 was 2 years old?
Wow!

Unnecessarily mean comment to try and bring someone down by judging a relationship you know nothing about.

Beingseenisneedy · Today 18:51

Brucebogtrotter257 · Yesterday 13:40

Her lack of preparation does not become your emergency.

Love this! A rule to live by.

Itchysidefoot · Today 18:54

UnhealthierWhy · Today 18:29

Just on silent in the bottom of my bag. We check every so often just in case as turning them off means it’s a pain when taking photos and if there was any kind of emergency we want to know obviously.

Show quote history

So zero redeeming features

0Thatsplenty0 · Today 18:56

Lollipop81 · Today 18:23

So your on holiday in Disneyland without them. They are only 6 and 8, this seems so cruel to me. So yes you are unreasonable as they should be with you.
As for saying your always ‘helping out’ they are your husbands children, it’s not helping out is it.
I feel sorry for the children imagine your dad taking your younger siblings to Disneyland but not you.

Oh FFS, here we go again. Was it cruel to OP's children when the father took the older kids on holiday by themselves previously?

Shouldn't the children's step-father be 'helping out' as well going by your rules?

BruFord · Today 19:09

Her lack of preparation does not become your emergency.

@Brucebogtrotter257 I agree with you in this situation. It's her time with the children and as she's been given money for childcare that hasn't yet been spent (as the OP looked after the children instead and then their grandma was supposed to be doing it this coming week), she can spend it now!

Seethethingis · Today 19:10

Not the AIBU but…
The attitude that anything less than preferential treatment is cruel to DSC is tiresome AF.
All the DC got a trip to Disney with their DF geared towards their age group. It’s amazing how some twisted minds can look at this fact and immediately think “poor DSC”.
Anyway, hell would freeze before I let some flakey woman’s problem ruin my children’s holiday so YABU to say “no, you will need to sort it” and switch your phones off.

Alwaysoneoddsock · Today 19:10

One thought from me. Why is it the mother’s responsibility to source all childcare?

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Today 19:11

Lollipop81 · Today 18:23

So your on holiday in Disneyland without them. They are only 6 and 8, this seems so cruel to me. So yes you are unreasonable as they should be with you.
As for saying your always ‘helping out’ they are your husbands children, it’s not helping out is it.
I feel sorry for the children imagine your dad taking your younger siblings to Disneyland but not you.

Did you see a previous update where OP said the dad took the older two children to Disney last year, just the three of them went?

They want to do different things to the younger ones, who are into princesses, not so much rides, and still need naps.

Makes complete sense to do it that way.

Managing 4 children aged 2 - 8 at Disney would be hard work.

Older 2 got to spend a lovely time with just their dad.

And yes it IS ''helping out" if OP looks after the older two children, who are not her responsibility, because THEIR mother hasn't organised care for them (despite the dad paying for holiday club care for that period).

I know MN hates stepmothers, but come on!

0Thatsplenty0 · Today 19:12

Alwaysoneoddsock · Today 19:10

One thought from me. Why is it the mother’s responsibility to source all childcare?

If you had bothered your arse to read all OP's posts you would know that it is the mother's days to have the kids so yes her responsibility.