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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to cut short our holiday for childcare?

408 replies

UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:20

This is not our problem ???

We are on holiday currently with our 2 dc (2 and 4) (Disney Paris) due back home on Wednesday. Dh has 2 older dc from previous marriage (6 and 8).

He gave his ex money for holiday childcare which she ‘forgot’ to book the first week so I had to look after dc which was fine as dh had work. Next week her mum was going to have the dc but is now unwell. She is telling dh he needs to come home early to have the dc as she can’t take the time off.

She is constantly messaging and calling and we are considering just turning our phones off if she continues pestering us this way.

This seems to be a regular thing with her not arranging childcare and then expecting us to rescue the situation which we try to accomodate if we can but this is the first time we’ve said no.

OP posts:
itispersonal · Yesterday 12:22

She needs to take carers/special leave to look after her children. She can’t expect you to leave your holiday early because she messed up.

MatildaTheCat · Yesterday 12:24

Very manipulative behaviour. Switch off phones and have fun.

Only caveat would be if she was likely to put the children at risk if you don’t obey her and run home early. Have the older children had a holiday?

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 12:24

Basically sounds like she wants to ruin your holiday! Is she paying for the early return journey she expects?

2dogsandabudgie · Yesterday 12:24

Stay firm and do not go back early. She will have to sort out other childcare. Switch your phones off during the day and ignore all messages.

B1anche · Yesterday 12:24

Don't cut short your holiday. This is all her making. She will have to sort it out herself. I wonder if she would be so keen to abandon her holiday if the tables were turned.

AndrewPreview · Yesterday 12:24

What are the custody arrangements like normally?

Why aren't his older children on holiday with you?

Changingforthisone66 · Yesterday 12:25

She sounds like a chaotic nightmare but it's not the children's fault. Poor kids.

Kingdomofsleep · Yesterday 12:25

Lots of options of holiday childcare round me is available to book short notice. I'd be surprised she couldn't find any.

I'd tell her you'd come back early if she pays you the full cost of the Disney land holiday so you can book another one to make up for her ruining this one

Edit - and next time you can take all 4 kids, everyone wins

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 12:25

Sounds like she is annoyed he didn't take his older kids with you (was there a reason for this?).

I don't really understand why DH gives her money to pay for childcare. Especially knowing she is flakey. Next time I think he should book it himself then he knows it's done and she can't try making excuses about forgetting.

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:26

MatildaTheCat · Yesterday 12:24

Very manipulative behaviour. Switch off phones and have fun.

Only caveat would be if she was likely to put the children at risk if you don’t obey her and run home early. Have the older children had a holiday?

Yes she took them with her partner to Spain this year in May half term, last year dh took them himself to Disney Paris. At the end of of August we are taking all 4 dc for 4 days for a uk beach break.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:28

2dogsandabudgie · Yesterday 12:24

Stay firm and do not go back early. She will have to sort out other childcare. Switch your phones off during the day and ignore all messages.

This is the first time we haven’t helped. Even the first week of the holidays she had asked for more money to book holiday club which was fine then she didn’t book it and there were no places left. So I had them to help as dh was working too. I think she’s got used to us always saying yes and now she has got furious as expects a yes this time .

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:29

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 12:25

Sounds like she is annoyed he didn't take his older kids with you (was there a reason for this?).

I don't really understand why DH gives her money to pay for childcare. Especially knowing she is flakey. Next time I think he should book it himself then he knows it's done and she can't try making excuses about forgetting.

She is flakey yes and disorganised. But we help for extra things as we genuinely don’t mind helping. Although next time I think dh will book it to make sure it gets done. It’s a little frustrating that we have to think about childcare when it’s not our days but we wanted to help.

OP posts:
knottywig · Yesterday 12:30

She’s a grown adult, she can sort it out herself. Also how much money did your DH give her to sort out childcare- did you get half back for the week you looked after kids. Switch of your phones and check once a day, she’s trying to ruin your holiday. Possibly because she deems you as the home wrecker. Also why didn’t you take the other 2 with you to Disney? Surely they would have enjoyed it too?

Cannedlaughter · Yesterday 12:30

You don’t end your holiday early but I don’t understand why the children aren’t with you. That’s sad.

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:31

AndrewPreview · Yesterday 12:24

What are the custody arrangements like normally?

Why aren't his older children on holiday with you?

Dh has them 10 days /nights per month

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:32

Cannedlaughter · Yesterday 12:30

You don’t end your holiday early but I don’t understand why the children aren’t with you. That’s sad.

They went last year so that they could do the exact things they like and not have to have younger ones ruining it with nap times etc etc . Plus we wanted to do very different things they liked the rides and things this time it’s more the princesses etc

OP posts:
SusanJJ · Yesterday 12:32

Unless the children are actually in danger, let her sort it out.

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:33

knottywig · Yesterday 12:30

She’s a grown adult, she can sort it out herself. Also how much money did your DH give her to sort out childcare- did you get half back for the week you looked after kids. Switch of your phones and check once a day, she’s trying to ruin your holiday. Possibly because she deems you as the home wrecker. Also why didn’t you take the other 2 with you to Disney? Surely they would have enjoyed it too?

They went last year. We do like to have some holidays with just our dc alone and then a separate one with all dc

OP posts:
Doteycat · Yesterday 12:41

UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:33

They went last year. We do like to have some holidays with just our dc alone and then a separate one with all dc

Show quote history

You mean you do.
I cant beleive you are ok with being with a man who would let his kids in the lurch like this.
But im sure its different with you..

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:44

Doteycat · Yesterday 12:41

You mean you do.
I cant beleive you are ok with being with a man who would let his kids in the lurch like this.
But im sure its different with you..

Show quote history

No we both do.

OP posts:
godmum56 · Yesterday 12:44

why are you only "considering" turning off your phones?

Cherrysoup · Yesterday 12:45

Is your Dh on board with ignoring her? Regardless of why she’s doing this (angry that you were the OW/disorganised/whatever), I think it’s unfair to wreck your dcs’ holiday by going home early.

knottywig · Yesterday 12:45

UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:33

They went last year. We do like to have some holidays with just our dc alone and then a separate one with all dc

Show quote history

My personal view is that your husband came as a package deal, which you knew about when you got together with him, whether that was whilst he was married or not. You shouldn’t be excluding them from any holiday whether they went last year or not. So I think both you and your DH are BU!

Original poster
UnhealthierWhy · Yesterday 12:46

godmum56 · Yesterday 12:44

why are you only "considering" turning off your phones?

Just in case there’s an emergency

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · Yesterday 12:48

I am also confused about who's time she is wanted childcare for? Surely if it's her days then she should know this in advance and be sorting it.

Also agree what happened to the money sent for childcare? Is she just pocketing it?

The other issue is why isn't the split 50:50? Was that what she wanted? As if she is finding it so hard to sort her childcare perhaps DH should ask for greater custody?