DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

It’s not rapid, it’s been 10 years.

You’re projecting your unhappiness with yourself onto your husband.

So, you feel uncomfortable with yourself weight gain - what are you doing about it? Can you start to eat more healthily? Focus on protein and vegetables. And start to increase the number of steps you do each day. Simple things.

To be fair it is a lot of weight to gain, and you’re clearly unhappy with your own body, it wasn’t just his comment,

I went up to an 18, although I’m quite tall , and I was also uncomfortable with my appearance, so I get the sensitivity, I used weight loss meds to help me get it back down, now a size 8.

i think think through what’s really bothered you here, is it really simply he thought the bikini looked too small, or is it you are uncomfortable with your weight gain and sensitive about comments , If it’s the latter, there are tools available to help us now, as weight gain is not about appearance but it’s about health, and obesity is really dangerous,

I think it’s different if OP had asked for an opinion or was a size 18 trying to squeeze into something that was size 10.

She’s a size 18 in a size 16-18 bikini so a bikini which should technically fit and is hardly going to be cutting into her, she also didn’t ask mumsnet if she’s too fat. She’s not going to magically lose weight in the next 24 hours so let the woman enjoy her holiday without a whole bunch of internet strangers making her feel like shit when all she wanted to do was put on her bikini and go to the pool. She clearly knows she’s gained weight of the years, we all know because she told us so repeating back to her what she’s just said is hardly helpful.

Hmm. I always size up when I buy swimwear as I don't like things digging in or not covering my bum properly. Swimwear that's too small can look bad as you get the fat rolls from it digging in even if you're quite slim.

We weren't there. But he was probably trying to be helpful.

To be honest, I would hope my DH would tell me if I didn't look great in something. And to be brutally honest, if someone has put on 'quite a lot of weight' they shouldn't really be wearing a bikini. I only ever wore one when I had a 24" waist, and a flat belly. I know that won't go down well with some posters, and we should be allowed to wear whatever we want lalala, but the truth is that we are going to have some clothes that don't look great when we're carrying extra weight.

I think the issue is that you may have been in self denial about whether your favourite bikini still fitted after your weight gain and were pleased you could still squeeze into it, and were hurt when he pointed out that it looked too tight, when you hadn't ask for his opinion.

His opinion may have been unwanted, but it seems it was a valid one, and and it doesnt seem as if he deliberately intended to criticise you for gaining weight, but rather to prevent you from feeling embarrassed if other people started to stare at you.

I think in the circumstances many other people in similar situations. might have asked for a second opinion, but his opinion knocked your body confidence. Understandably you were hurt as your hadn't asked for his opinion. If however you had asked first , even if he gave the same opinion you may not have been quite so hurt, as you would have been better prepared for the feedback.

ok that’s ridiculous saying someone can only wear a bikini with a 24 inch waistl it’s beyond ridiculous to the extent I’m embarassed for you, and your own body hang ups.

the op can wear a bikini if she wishes, of course she can, and without judgement, she just needs to ensure it fits correctly or it can be very unflattering. He seemed to think it was digging in and riding up. I suspect it was. Bikinis shouldn’t feel tight.

often we think we are smaller than we are, or squeeze into too small clothes in an effort to convince ourselves we are, that the mere fact we can get it on means we can’t be as big as we thought, of course thays nonsense. Many of us have done it, I know I’ve done it with clothes when I gained weight.

i told myself I was a 16, wore stretchy clothes, of course there was no way a size 16 with a fixed waist band would have fitted me, but it made me feel better to think that, if I could still get something on then I couldn’t be that much bigger, could I.

to be fair though, I applaud the ops body confidence, when I was an 18 I wouldn’t have worn a bikini, even one that fit, as I’d have been too self concious, I went for a one piece, but I’ve nothing but admiration for women so body confident they can. And who feel good. There should be no need to hide.

But it needs to fit and not dig in. I’ve out on swimwear that is too small, it didn’t dig in as such, just felt tight, but it didn’t look good at all and made me look even bigger than I was.

19 to 'late 20s', ~30 kilos in 7-10 years is a lot.

I know it’s frustrating but I think you pushed him and he was honest. It is your favourite bikini but if you have put on weight it’s likely it doesn’t fit currently. I would have bought a size up. I think it’s easy to be in denial as bodies change. Sorry it made you feel this way.

I understand why you're upset but really, that's the "fault" of the weight you've gained, not what he said.
No, its the fault of DHs mouth is why she is upset.

Yes of course it’s a huge amount, but it’s not rapid. Rapid is in reference to speed. Not quantity,

If your DH's immediate reaction was a 'funny look' and then when you pressed him he eventually said "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini." then I think he was being very tactful.
You often can't help pulling a face if you see something surprising and he didn't say anything cruel about you being fat as he probably knows you feel sensitive about your weight. Who knows, maybe the cut or colour of the bikini didn't suit you even when it did fit?
I'd take this as a wake up call to do something about your weight as it clearly bothering you.

No it’s not, she pushed him for an answer, so he answered truthfully, and he never commented on her body, jist the bikini.

Op pushed for an answer and he gave it . I don’t see what the problem is
He was not being unkind
Op is obviously unhappy with the way she looks . Instead of getting upset, she should use this as motivation to lose weight if this is what she wants to do

I can understand both perspectives. My weight has fluctuated over the years and DH has loved me and never said a negative thing irrespective of whether I’ve been a size 10 or 16. I don’t think your DH’s comment was particularly negative but I’m equally not sure why he felt the need to say anything at all. If you felt uncomfortable in it, you’d have surely worn something else…

Equally, if my DH wore something he looked horrendous in I probably would have to say something gently. Not to be a dick but because I wouldn’t want him going out looking idiotic and I’d expect the same treatment in return.

No it’s not, she pushed him for an answer, so he answered truthfully, and he never commented on her body, jist the bikini

Wouldn't you push dh if they gave you funny looks and did all the ' no its nothing' bullshit when there evidently is something.to say.

Op would know well enough if she was comfortable or not without anyone having to tell her.

The poster didn't quite say that, though. She said that she only ever wore one when she had a 24-inch waist and a flat belly. It's fine for her to have those standards for herself, but she never said it applies to everyone else.

I think you probably realised deep down that bikini did not fit well - otherwise, why change? I have confidence issues, too but if I'm 100% sure I like something no way in hell I would change it (for example, I have long-ish hair and my whole family bangs on about it looking bad and not becoming for my age and I would look so much better cutting it into a bob etc etc - I dont give a fuck, I love my hair and I'm not changing it!)

I'm with your DH - who, if not your other half, should tell you something doesn't look right? I think you need to address your weight issues and not blame you being upset on other things/ people.

He didn’t feel the need to say something, in fact he actively tried to avoid saying anything, she pushed for him to do so. It’s right there in the op.

It’s hit a nerve, what he said wasn’t bad and like others have pointed out he was pushed into saying something.

It's a hard one because yes it is upsetting to hear.
However you pushed him until he responded with what he thought.
Not sure how long you have had the bikini but if it is since you gained a significant part of the extra 4.5 stone then the bikini is going to be much tighter then it once was.
You said it yourself, he said it.

It is not nice to hear but myself and DH had a similar conversation approx three years ago. Following that and seeing holiday photos which hurt me even more I decided to say nothing and start shifting the weight I had gained due a combination of pregnancy, PND and medication.
Three and a half stone down, he was also the first to say how much happier and more comfortable I seemed on our next holidays.
He was right I was.

Thank you.

I don't think I am the one with 'issues' or 'hang ups' as @EmpressStorm accused me of having. According to her angry response, she needs to look in the mirror..! I hit a nerve I think! And she saw what she wanted to see!😬

I gained weight at that age and was a size 14 after previously being a size 10. I'm trying to put myself into my head then and I know I would have felt extremely humiliated and then angry with partner for causing those emotions..

However I'm older now and see if differently. He was saying the bikini is the wrong size, not your body. He also only told you when you asked. He wasn't trying to hurt you.

If you were very body confident and he said your bikini didn't fit you wouldn't be upset and take it personally. So you are punishing him because you feel unhappy with yourself. It's unfair.

My advice; forget the bikini, buy another one on holiday and get on with enjoying yourself. You say he's a good partner, don't waste this time.

When you get home work on getting really fit and healthy with the sole purpose of feeling great again. The shapely body is just a side effect.

Why yes, I do. In a nutshell it’s a disconnect between what you say and what you do. For example telling other people how to behave while doing the opposite yourself, or saying you have particular beliefs or moral standards when in reality you hold opposing views. It can also refer to someone insincere, duplicitous, deceitful or sanctimonious.

Not sure what this has to do with the subject matter though, unless you’re suggesting that OP’s DH is a hypocrite for actually telling the truth - that being the case it’s not clear whether you understand the concept yourself.