DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

I gained a lot of weight in a short time (1.5 stone but at 4 foot 10 it really showed and I went up from a size 8 to 14 which is big for my height) and was in complete denial.

I went to Turkey with my DP and squeezed myself into last years swimming costume that was quite revealing and thought as I got into it that it must fit.

My DP knew I was unhappy and sensitive about my weight and didn’t want to upset me so said nothing and didn’t take any photos but the photographer from the resort took some and put them on display for guests to see.

I looked absolutely awful with the swimming costume hardly covering my bum (I was aware on some level it was too small as I had to keep pulling it over my body to cover me) and my boobs falling out and the cut just made me look terrible with huge wobbly arms.

I was deeply upset my DP wasn’t honest and hadn’t warned me how bad it looked and felt like everyone must have been staring and judging. I had thought it looked good in the mirror.

It was enough to give me the kick to lose the weight but whilst I was losing it a I wore a bigger swimming costume which was much more flattering on our next holiday.
I made sure my DP helped me choose one that we both felt looked nice.

Sometimes it’s cruel to say nothing just to avoid upsetting someone and letting them find out the hard way that they don’t look good in something.
I think it’s braver and kinder to be honest as long as it’s coming from a good place.

I will preface by saying that I have been in your position myself before OP and it is not my intention to shame you. I totally empathise with the weight silently creeping on over the years. The catalyst for me waking up to how big I had become was looking at holiday pictures of me in skimpy clothing that evidently didn't fit me. I had been living in total denial from 2019-late 2023, squeezing into size 10 clothes from yesteryear that often popped open as I sat down, leaving red indents over my skin. My legs and underarms rubbed together and chaffed as I walked. I was silently seething at my partner and friends who continued to lie to my face, telling me I looked fabulous and the same as before.

I was around 12 stone at 5ft 3; I lost 3 stone and kept it off, but it was a long, hard slog and it did not happen overnight. To be incredibly blunt OP, 4 and a half stone is an enormous amount of weight to gain and a terrible strain on your body. I would personally no longer feel physically attracted to my partner if he gained that much weight. It sounds like you pushed him for an answer that you evidently did not want to hear and that there has been some underlying concern from him regarding your weight gain. I would try and frame this as a positive and take action in regards to losing weight. 20's is optimal time for doing this.

Was it? OP didn't know it was about the bikini because he just pulled a face. It would perhaps be different if she nagged him about an opinion on the bikini but she didn't.

Sometimes you can’t see how things look properly yourself. He wasn’t trying to be mean as you say. You asked him and i would rather my jo est was honest with me if something I’m wearing is right.

I’m not going to comment on the OP specifically because I haven’t seen her, but this comment is complete BS. The world is full of people wearing clothes that are far too small for them. You only have to walk down most local highs streets to see this.

Aah. There’s no way a bikini that looked great on you four and a half stone ago would fit you now, even if its a tie-on one, which I assume it is. Are you sure you felt good in it?

I too was a 10 when I got married and have put about three stone on over the years. At 4’11” my last properly fitting swimsuit was a 16.

Are you still wearing clothes from before your weight gain or just the bikini?

It's a bikini from last year, not from when they first met and she was a size 10-12.

"He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other'. Weight isn't a binary black or white option though is it. If you felt happy that's all that matters. He is a clown. I would have thought most people just say you look great. I can't keep weight on due to illness, I'd love extra pounds.

I don’t think that’s true. I’m a 14/16 now and can technically still wear my size 10 swimsuit as I can put it on. It looks bloody awful though and getting it off is another matter.

I know this as last summer it was the only suit I owned and I wanted to go on a short notice trip to a spa that required swimwear so I tried it in deperation.

I didn’t go on the spa day. I did buy a lovely size 16 swimsuit the next weekend just in case. I’m working on losing the weight but I’m newly post menopausal and its a lot harder than it used to be at 4’ 11”.

You badgered him for his thoughts and then scalded him when he told you. Poor guy.

I would welcome being told I need to lose a few pounds (if I did) because I tell my partner when he’s put weight on. I wouldn’t be attracted to him if he was over a certain size and I’d expect him to be equally as honest back. There is no good reason to be obese especially now weight loss drugs are so widely available.

I trust my two DS to tell me if I look less than fabulous -awful-
🤣 it’s too late for me to remember how to score out 🤦‍♀️)
and they know they can be brutally honest. I appreciate honesty.)

I will ask my DH for an honest opinion and he’s diplomatic 🤣🤦‍♀️

I would and I have told him if something he was wearing wasn’t flattering. And I tell my DC.

Im 57 and I have lost a lot of weight. I’m excited to wear clothes that I couldn’t wear for a few years.

This and you said you’d gained weight and Nikons are tight fitting anyway so he was only saying it as it was.

Oh come on, give the guy a break. He’s your husband, he’s allowed to say ‘that looks too tight’.

The reason you’re being so sensitive is because you know he’s probably right.

It was the way it was delivered ie pulling a face. No one wants to be looked at like that. Maybe she shouldn't have asked but it could have been delivered in a more sensitive way. I am just saying in all honesty I would probably be hurt too.

And there could be more context we are not aware of. If it was a truly neutral comment delivered in a spirit of support I doubt the OP would be upset enough about it to post here.

However I agree it's not the end of the world and should be moved on from.

He said "Nothing". That's the universal signal of don't ask again. You chose to ask again, so he gave you an honest answer.

This one's on you @jessywxo

Both could be right. It may be that the style and colour of the bikini looked good on her, but it may also have looked like it was tight and digging into her.

It's sounds like you have piled on the pounds and your old bikini had become just too tight. Better he tell you now rather than you think it later, having already been out in public. You said yourself your extra inches were digging in. He didn't say it in a nasty way or to mock you, just in a matter of fact way. I would let this go and enjoy the rest of your holiday .

OP if you really felt good in it,you shouldn't have changed.You were wearing the bikini-not your husband.It doesn't matter how it looks to him, if you feel good in it, wear it.

So, DH just reacted with an initial surprised look and you badgered him until he said kindly that your bikini appeared too tight etc.etc.
He reacted how every other person at the pool seeing you would probably have reacted. You admitted that the bikini was tighter.

Buy a new bikini that fits.
I want my DH to tell me if I have lipstick on my teeth, metaphorically speaking.
Your DH did not say that he found you unattractive. He did not want you to be judged cruelly in public.

My first thought was that you looked lush and he didn't want other men after you, but perhaps I'm overly suspicious. Or perhaps I'm not.

If you don't want to upset your loved one, you contain yourself and don't give 'funny looks' at the sight of them in a swimsuit. He knew full well once you saw his expression he'd have to explain himself.

On another note OP, I recently had a family member in their 20s go to the GP with the kind of rapid weight gain you have experienced, and they discovered a medical problem behind it. Unless you're 100% sure it's all down to lifestyle, you might want to get it checked out.

I think you need to take some personal responsibility here. You’re not happy with how you look, so why not do something about it.

I’ve said this to DH before but it was because I was worried he was going to cut off blood supply to half his body trying to button up his trousers. It was a very gentle “sweetheart, are those a bit tight”. He said no and I left it at that. I don’t actually care about how it looks, I was worried because it looked a bit uncomfortable.

Honestly though being a size 18 and in a 16-18 bikini isn’t some sort of mad stretch is it? It may have just looked like it was a bit smaller than last year but it’s hardly going to be squeezing into something several sizes too small is it. Plus on my holiday I wasn’t looking at anyone, I was busy doing my own thing so I wouldn’t have noticed if someones bikini was too small or not, I would have no idea or opinion on whether someones bikini was the correct size or not given that people wear all sorts of bikinis from tiny ones to ones ghat may as well be a full swimsuit.

Your Dh may have just assumed you bought a new one if you got bigger but I can’t imagine Dh noticing tbh. Not surprised you were a bit hurt by that.

Are people confused or something, he didn’t comment on her body at all. How on earth is that similar to her pointing out his stomach.

and his opinion was proactively sought. It wasn’t unsolicited.

if people mean he should have continually refused to answer her or lied to her, I don’t think that’s healthy. I for one would rather know.