Page 13 | DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

jessywxo · 2026-08-05T18:24:30+00:00

We're on holiday at the moment and this happened yesterday before we went down to the pool. I'm late 20s and I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years and I'm not pretending otherwise. I don't look the same as I did a few years ago and when I met DH and I'm aware my body has changed. I've sometimes struggled with my confidence because of it, especially when it comes to things like swimwear but I decided before this holiday that I didn't want to spend the whole time worrying about how I looked. I brought a bikini that I've had for a while that I always loved and felt good in. It's definitely tighter than it used to be, but I didn't think it looked terrible. I felt comfortable in it and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked okay, which can be quite rare. I came out of the bathroom ready to go and I saw DH give me a funny look. I asked him what was wrong and he said "Nothing", but I said "No, what is it?" Eventually he said, "I was just surprised you were wearing that bikini." I asked him what he meant and he said that he thought it looked too tight and that they were digging in on me. He said he wasn't trying to be horrible, but he was only saying it because he'd rather I knew than walked around the pool feeling uncomfortable or looking silly. I know he probably wasn't trying to hurt me, but it really upset me. I hadn't asked him what he thought. I wasn't standing there asking if the bikini suited me or if it still fitted, I was just ready to go. Until then I actually felt quite good about myself. After he said it, I felt really self-conscious and ended up changing into a swimsuit because I didn't feel comfortable wearing the bikini anymore. I spent the rest of the day feeling rubbish, which annoyed me because my weight and how I look is already something that bothers me and I was trying to make an effort to avoid that.. Last night I told him that his comment had upset me. He said he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it because he hadn't said it to be mean or nasty. He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him. I said I would if he asked me, but I wouldn't just look at him and point something out that I knew would surely make him feel bad. He's very 'black and white' sometimes and his view seems to be that couples should be honest with each other even if its not nice to hear. I think there are some things you don't need to say unless someone actually asks. For balance and to be fair to him, he is normally a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel. I just don't know if I'm overreacting, or whether he should have kept that thought to himself in the moment AIBU to be so upset over this?

supersop60 · 06/08/2026 19:43

Sherararara · 05/08/2026 19:39

Why should he apologise when the issue is OP having an unreasonable response to his comment? He hasn’t done any wrong and plenty of people value a partner having an honest opinion, me included. If I look bad in something I expect him to tell me and vice versa. The issue here is OP sensitivity.

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You can be honest without being hurtful. It’s called tact.

HumberSquid · 06/08/2026 19:44

Favouritefruits · 05/08/2026 19:34

I’d want my husband to tell me if I didn’t look nice in an outfit, but if you’d rather your husband not tell you then this is the perfect time to discuss it so he won’t tell you again. I’d tell my husband if his clothes looked tight and were digging in, I would be telling him matter of factly not in an unkind way.

This is how I would feel too.

everthingisgoingtobefine · 06/08/2026 19:46

StarlightLady · 06/08/2026 18:15

Fancy a woman appearing like the shape of a woman!

But it's OK for men to have a visible package in that area!

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EW No. just no. I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes any more than I wish to see a man's ball sack or dick sticking out through his clothes.

Good grief, what is wrong with you? noone wants to see that.

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 19:59

I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes

Is that physically possible?

theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 20:08

EmpressStorm · 06/08/2026 17:30

I’m a size 8 and I think a beautiful swim suit is much more flattering, I don’t really get the bikini love.

I have both of these from Reiss and a third one which is seafoam colour also from them, the structure is fabulous, they look amazing on, and way more eye catching and flattering than any bikini.

https://www.next.co.uk/style/su612576/f22238

https://www.reiss.com/style/su889258/y25152

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I disagree, I don't find swimsuit flattering at all, and bikini look better, but it really does not matter.
I don't think anything when I see people, I look at what they are wearing to see if I'd like to buy the same or not .

It's swimwear, designed to hide your bits and comfy - or glam enough to look like you are out of a fashion shoot, who cares. It doesn't change, or hide your actual shape. You can add a bit of padding if you want more boobs or butt, but no one looks like they're smaller than they are when they're wearing swimwear. They might think they do, but they are literally standing just there with no clothes, what do they think people actually see?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/08/2026 20:15

I understand you being upset but i genuinely think he was trying to be helpful not mean. I would want to be told even if it would hurt

PrettyLittleRose · 06/08/2026 20:31

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 19:59

I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes

Is that physically possible?

Nope LOL! I think that poster means VULVA!

I don't want to see willies, balls, and vulvas through someone's clothes either ta muchly. I can just about stand nipples. (Grabs pearls!)

StarlightLady · 06/08/2026 20:49

everthingisgoingtobefine · 06/08/2026 19:46

EW No. just no. I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes any more than I wish to see a man's ball sack or dick sticking out through his clothes.

Good grief, what is wrong with you? noone wants to see that.

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Anatomy lesson required.

Constantinoodle · 06/08/2026 20:52

StarlightLady · 06/08/2026 20:49

Anatomy lesson required.

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You know exactly what she meant. Decency lesson required.

EstherGreenwood63 · 06/08/2026 20:54

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 19:59

I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes

Is that physically possible?

😂

Lookingdownthebarrell · 06/08/2026 20:59

My DH and have an agreement that we would speak up and tell each other if things didn’t suit or weren’t suitable. Infact our clothes shopping cost is low now as we consult with each other 😂

As you know and agree that he wasn’t being mean then chalk it up to experience and let him know your preference for the future about sharing his opinions with you.

EmpressStorm · 06/08/2026 21:12

theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 20:08

I disagree, I don't find swimsuit flattering at all, and bikini look better, but it really does not matter.
I don't think anything when I see people, I look at what they are wearing to see if I'd like to buy the same or not .

It's swimwear, designed to hide your bits and comfy - or glam enough to look like you are out of a fashion shoot, who cares. It doesn't change, or hide your actual shape. You can add a bit of padding if you want more boobs or butt, but no one looks like they're smaller than they are when they're wearing swimwear. They might think they do, but they are literally standing just there with no clothes, what do they think people actually see?

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I guess it depends on body shape, as said I’m quite tall and slim, with an athletic build so I like how a swimsuit looks, I’m very similar build to the models at just under 5 ft 7 and an 8, with long legs and a short body. But when I’ve been larger I felt better in a bikini.

i agree no one looks smaller in swimwear, but it can make us look more stream lined if that’s what we wish. Often tummies can be an issue, ans a good swimsuit can smooth that area and also lift your bust, where as wirh a bikini that area is fully visible,

im not trying ri hide anything, I just think for me, they look more elegant and flattering,

TrishM80 · 06/08/2026 21:24

supersop60 · 06/08/2026 19:43

You can be honest without being hurtful. It’s called tact.

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I don't think his comments were particularly hurtful. Not as if he said "fucking hell, you're packed into that bikini!"

theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 22:35

EmpressStorm · 06/08/2026 21:12

I guess it depends on body shape, as said I’m quite tall and slim, with an athletic build so I like how a swimsuit looks, I’m very similar build to the models at just under 5 ft 7 and an 8, with long legs and a short body. But when I’ve been larger I felt better in a bikini.

i agree no one looks smaller in swimwear, but it can make us look more stream lined if that’s what we wish. Often tummies can be an issue, ans a good swimsuit can smooth that area and also lift your bust, where as wirh a bikini that area is fully visible,

im not trying ri hide anything, I just think for me, they look more elegant and flattering,

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It's very personal, I don't think there's right or wrong.

Kate Middleton is not the most curvy person and I think she still look better in a bikini.

I also find that a one piece attract attention to the mid-section, so if someone is not that athletic, it's not mega flattering. A bikini is more forgiving.

but again, it's very personal.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/08/2026 22:47

theneighboureatmysalad · 06/08/2026 17:20

it sounds like he was actually trying to be diplomatic about it! That was tactful.
What did you want him to say?

You would have reacted even more badly if he had said it was tight, and he wouldn't be a decent partner if he had just lied to your face. You can see photos, mirror, you know what you look like.

i'm still entitled to try and feel happy and comfortable while I do.
no one said you were not, not even your poor DH

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Are you missing the part where he pulled a face at the sight of her? That's how this all started. That's not tactful.

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 23:26

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/08/2026 22:47

Are you missing the part where he pulled a face at the sight of her? That's how this all started. That's not tactful.

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She said he “gave her a funny look”. She didn’t mention pulling a face.

Franjipanl8r · Yesterday 00:03

jessywxo · 06/08/2026 11:04

As i've already said above, there's a big difference between 'I think that looks a little bit tight', and (what he said) 'I'm surprised you're wearing that', which implies that it's ridiculous for me to wear it. That's what upset me. Its not like I was squeezing myself into something that was multiple sizes too small.

Also for people saying i 'badgered' him...are you seriously saying that if your partner gave you a very odd look and you asked them what was wrong and they said 'nothing', you'd just go 'oh, ok, it's nothing then'? Yes I asked him what was up, but there's tactful ways of saying things to someone. That's my point,

I'm aware I need to lose weight and i'm working on it, so I don't need people to tell me and advise me about that. Regardless of that, i'm still entitled to try and feel happy and comfortable while I do.

Why post on AIBU then if you’ve made up your mind already and don’t want to listen to other opinions?

2O26 · Yesterday 00:18

Promisingtree · 06/08/2026 12:03

Couldn't it be the other way around?

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As long as the screen image is small and you don't have your glasses on when you look at the photo.

Cariadm · Yesterday 04:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/08/2026 19:33

Surely if it was too tight, you would've just changed by yourself? The comment does seem to be a bit mean and unnecessary to me. It's also disappointing that he can't just say sorry about hurting your feelings instead of trying to minimise them.

'It's also disappointing that he can't just say sorry about hurting your feelings instead of trying to minimise them.'

That immediately came into my mind also! What is it with so many men that when criticised or informed that something they have said/done was upsetting they always have to go on the defensive/attack by being even more hurtful instead of just apologising?! Grrrr!! 😡

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · Yesterday 04:50

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 23:26

She said he “gave her a funny look”. She didn’t mention pulling a face.

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Same shit, different bucket eh?

Either would immediately prompt a normal person to ask for an explanation.

EmpressStorm · Yesterday 06:56

Cariadm · Yesterday 04:03

'It's also disappointing that he can't just say sorry about hurting your feelings instead of trying to minimise them.'

That immediately came into my mind also! What is it with so many men that when criticised or informed that something they have said/done was upsetting they always have to go on the defensive/attack by being even more hurtful instead of just apologising?! Grrrr!! 😡

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I just don’t see he’s anything to apologise for, he only told her her bikini was too small, which it likely was.

the op was upset because she didn’t want to hear it, because she’s sensitive about the weight, this is a her issue, not a him issue, if anyone should apologise it’s her, she badgered him to tell her and then saw her arse when he did, as many people have said, him included, we’d want to know. He’s done nothing wrong so he’s done nothing to apologise for,

its just very difficult, she’s clearly hugely sensitive about her weight, her bmi is 44, a size 18 in a 5 foot 2 person is similar to a 20 on someone a little taller. And as much as she can wear bikinis wearing one which fits is key, if it’s tight, it will dig in, as our flesh is soft.

we have all done similar, those of us who have gained weight in the past, we can sometimes wear clothes simply as we can get them on, like a form of denial, I can’t be that big if I can still get it on, but thay doesn’t mean it’s advisable.

hes done nothing wrong, he was badgered to tell her and when he did, politely, hes had nothing but hassle for it, to the extent he’s even commented how big a deal she’s making of it, which she is.

its absolutely crazy to me anyone would think he needs to apologise for this.

everthingisgoingtobefine · Yesterday 07:02

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2026 19:59

I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes

Is that physically possible?

🤣 fair point

I dont wish to see another woman's labia majora outline through her clothes.

Its inappropriate and not a pleasant look

Twinkylightsg · Yesterday 13:44

jessywxo · 06/08/2026 11:04

As i've already said above, there's a big difference between 'I think that looks a little bit tight', and (what he said) 'I'm surprised you're wearing that', which implies that it's ridiculous for me to wear it. That's what upset me. Its not like I was squeezing myself into something that was multiple sizes too small.

Also for people saying i 'badgered' him...are you seriously saying that if your partner gave you a very odd look and you asked them what was wrong and they said 'nothing', you'd just go 'oh, ok, it's nothing then'? Yes I asked him what was up, but there's tactful ways of saying things to someone. That's my point,

I'm aware I need to lose weight and i'm working on it, so I don't need people to tell me and advise me about that. Regardless of that, i'm still entitled to try and feel happy and comfortable while I do.

No you want to be validated.

You said you felt comfortable and thought you looked fine even thought it felt tighter.

When your OH said he was surprised you picked that outfit and it looked tight after you pushed him for an answer on it. You didn't feel comfortable anymore.

You want validation. Because if you felt confident and comfortable in yourself while the comment may not be pleasant to hear, it would not have stopped you from enjoying the rest of the day and feel uncomfortable about it 🤷‍♀️

Stelladid · Yesterday 18:18

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/08/2026 19:33

Surely if it was too tight, you would've just changed by yourself? The comment does seem to be a bit mean and unnecessary to me. It's also disappointing that he can't just say sorry about hurting your feelings instead of trying to minimise them.

This 👆 Also, it’s nonsense that he said it because he “didn’t want you walking around the pool feeling uncomfortable”. You were fine with it until he made the comment that made you feel uncomfortable 🤷‍♀️

Stelladid · Yesterday 18:20

everthingisgoingtobefine · 06/08/2026 19:46

EW No. just no. I dont wish to see another woman's vagina through her clothes any more than I wish to see a man's ball sack or dick sticking out through his clothes.

Good grief, what is wrong with you? noone wants to see that.

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You wouldn’t be able to see a woman’s vagina since it’s inside her body. If you are going to shame other women due to your own hang-ups, at least be accurate!