DH's comment about my bikini has really knocked my confidence

Whether you are big or small you need to wear clothes the fit the size you actually are. Someone who is very, very skinny looks as horrendous in clothes that are far too big as someone who is bigger and trying to squeeze into a garment that's far too small. The weather woman on TV in our area is very attractive but she squeezes herself into clothes that are at least a size too small. It must be so uncomfortable and it looks awful. If she went up a size she'd look fantastic. Id think the same if she was a man. I'm a 10 or a 12 depending on the shop I'm in. I'd never wear a 10 if it gave me a big tummy and looked too tight. I'd not choose a 12 if it sagged and fell off me without a belt. The same applies whatever size you are.

Hypocrisy includes pointing out flaws in others that you possess yourself. Eg a less than ‘perfect’ body.

Eh? he didnt tell the OP she ought to have a "perfect body" though did he?

He said her bikini looked too tight and like it was digging in. It was a comment about her clothing that didnt fit properly - I cant see any comment from him about the OP's actual body at all.

OP also said He said if he was wearing something that didn't fit properly, he'd want me to tell him.

Therefore, he isnt being a hypocrite because he said he wants her to tell him if she feels something doesnt fit him either.

He was not a hypocrite unless he was also wearing a possible too small and possibly unflattering pair of swimming trunks. He didn’t say anything hypocritical.

But would you want him to lie about it. It sounds like it was too tight and maybe didn’t look great.

I know with weight we’re all supposed to say someone looks amazing when they’re four stone overweight but it’s often a white lie. Maybe the DH is worried about how much weight the OP has put on - four stone is a lot especially when you’re short - and this might be a wake up call for her.

Stop torturing yourself OP. Your DH sounds like he loves you no matter what you weigh. It’s a subject that you are sensitive to so it’s bound to sting.

It sounds very much like he was more surprised than critical. I would be surprised too if a body conscious friend wore a bikini that was too small. Because let’s face it, regardless of the label size, if a bikini is tight it’s going to be pretty unforgiving on any body shape or size! It’s not a reflection on you personally, just an item that doesn’t look as good as it could. Hell, I’ve got clothes in a size 6,8,10 and 12 in my wardrobe. Different items look better in different sizes.

IME it takes a lot for a man to bother commenting on a woman’s outfit - positive or negative. So if my DH says sth isn’t flattering it'll never get worn again. I’m glad of the honest opinion and I wear sth else. OP I think you can be certain it didn’t look ok. Sorry if that hurts.

Agree with this. You thought it was right and so did he. Honestly if a husband and wife can't be honest about things like this then I think that's a bigger issue.

Some of these comments are unfathomable, it’s like the op wrote something totally different to whay she actually wrote.

we’ve had everything from body shaming, commenting on her body, how you can speak full sentences with your eyes, not just convey a feeling, how he proactively told her, how he wants her to have a perfect body etc,

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body.

i don’t think he was unreasonable. If he felt it looked bad or ill fitting it’s better he tells you than you be embarrassed later tbh.

Ah, the bikini. Famously supposed to be so loose that it flaps off you... 🫪 No, wait, it's supposed to be tight?! You're allowed to reveal yourself in it. I bet you looked great.

He's nasty, it was a needlessly hurtful interaction. Maybe it's rooted in jealousy, he didn't want other men seeing how beautiful and confident you are.

You're supposed to feel desired and loved by your husband. I would ask him why he can't give you that? And take necessary steps to put yourself first.

Trust me when I say, as an older woman than you, that, in your twenties, you are absolutely beautiful. And no mediocre man should be given the power to tear that down.

I can’t decide if it’s a reading comprehension thing, or twisting it to fit the answer the poster wishes to give. All the dude did was say her bikini was digging in when pushed to say, and he did it kindly and said he’d want to know. But for some posters there was a whole other conversation that occurred, which the op didn’t share where he was slagging off her body

I think it's projection. I have no idea where people got the idea that he expects her to look "perfect." Nobody looks "perfect"- except maybe 0.0000000001% of the population, and even then we're talking supermodels. 😂

If he were body-shaming her, he'd have commented on her actual body, not her clothing. Clothes can be changed in seconds, so I don't think it's unkind to comment on them. And if something is a size too small and digging into you, it's probably uncomfortable as well as unflattering.

Then there are the comments implying that no woman wants to hear honesty from her partner. Really? Are we all supposedly so stupid and vapid that we only want to hear, "It's absolutely wonderful, darling," about every single thing we wear or say, like we're married to some creepy Stepford husband? 🙄

The thing is though, the important thing, is how it made her feel. She knows him better than any of us (we don't know him at all). And he made her feel bad.

I refuse to invalidate her feelings. Occam's razor, it usually is what it looks like... Ie an insecure little man using digs to slyly keep a woman in check. Her weight, her dress, her thoughts, her feelings. No more. It's unacceptable. She's worth more.

So we don’t know him at all but you’re perfectly happy to label him “an insecure little man using digs to slyly keep a woman in check”.

Whereas when my bloke tells me something I’m wearing doesn’t look great I totally appreciate it. I’m very happy that he’s saved me from the humiliation of other people thinking derogatory things about me.

He definitely could've been more careful and considerate about how he said it, because it's such a sensitive subject - but I'm a little torn, because you did badger him into admitting it, instead of letting it slide. Then again, he didn't have to make that face, either - that almost feels like he's deliberately prompting you to ask.

A better move, if he really felt the need to say something, would've been for him to mention you might want to get a new bikini, as that one doesn't do you justice anymore, before the next holiday - not to say something in the middle of this holiday and put a damper on it for you.

Although, as my DH said (paraphrasing) when I asked him about this, "Why does he care if she's wearing a bikini that's a bit too tight if she's happy and he thinks she's hot? And is he seriously going to be embarrassed of her when they're in front of people they'll never see again? It's a bit pathetic."

I thought it was a good point - that he's sort of prioritised what (he thinks) other people might think, over and above OP feeling confident and having a nice time.

Yes. Because that's how it seems to have been taken by OP. And let's be honest, negging women is all the rage. "Beauty standards" are used to beat us like a stick, to keep us undermined, especially when we are younger. A million negative micro expressions.

These types of threads always attract post like these. Basically if you have a penis you’re automatically wrong and everything you say and do reveals another flaw. I’ve only ever seen character assassination like this on MN, but if it’s a reflection of the wider community, no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Men won’t be able to breathe without criticism soon.

I dont think you understand what Occam's razor is. Occams razor is the simplest explanation which is exactly what he said - her bikini looked tight, and it was digging in.

Concocting a narrative where he is a "sly insecure man trying to keep OP in check" is something you have just made up. OP does not say anything remotely close to that in her OP nor does she list any behaviours which concur with that interpretation. She even says he is a good husband and I don't think he was trying to be mean/cruel.

Also, I don't agree that our feelings are always valid. Our feelings are always real in the sense that we genuinely experience them, but that doesn't mean they're always accurate, reasonable, or justified.

People can feel rejected when they weren't rejected, feel jealous without genuine cause, or feel certain someone intended to hurt them when they actually didn't. Emotions are influenced by our experiences, biases, and assumptions, so they can mislead us.

Feelings deserve to be acknowledged, but they shouldn't automatically be treated as "evidence" that our interpretation of a situation is always correct.

None of which is appropriate here. He raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. OP pushed and didn’t like what she heard. He obviously saw something amiss, but unfortunately these days men aren’t allowed an opinion on anything without it being taken as a character flaw that needs correcting. I would far rather my DH tell me honestly if there is something he sees that I don’t, because I don’t choose to view it as negging or undermining me and at the end of the day the final decision is mine because I can exercise free will. The difference is that I don’t have to berate him for being a closet misogynist to do it.

Absolutely this. What it boils down to is if someone takes offence at something you say then it’s on them to explain why, and if they’ve misunderstood or misinterpreted then no apology is necessary.

He’s a man. We already know he’s a shitbag because he’s got a penis, so his opinions are worthless and mostly demonstrate character flaws. What on earth made you think he’s allowed facial expressions 🤣

Reading further, I see the bikini is only a size too small - and if you felt it fit you comfortably, I'm sure you looked absolutely fine.

Also, the fact that he gave you a 'funny look' really does make me think he was deliberately wanting you to ask. No one looks so ridiculous in a bikini one size too small that they merit a totally involuntary 'funny look' that can be noticed by others.

It does seem a little like he either has an issue with your weight gain, or he's deliberately negging you, and both of those are very hurtful.

You've said he's a good husband and you don't think he was deliberately being mean. Yes YABU to be upset and to spend your holiday posting on MN about a clumsy comment your husband made when you demanded to know why a look had crossed his face when he saw you in a slightly too small bikini.

You are the only person who knows your husband and you are the one saying he's a good husband and wasn't trying to be mean!