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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

775 replies

ZestLemon · 30/07/2026 17:01

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

OP posts:
ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 01/08/2026 18:30

Calliopespa · 01/08/2026 18:15

New as in subsequent... The DD hails from her father's previous relationship.

It is disingenuous to pretend a lot of dc don't have sensitivity around feeling replaced.

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I agree. I was just saying 15 years is quite a long time.

TwinklyOliveStork · 01/08/2026 18:36

Datafan55 · 01/08/2026 10:22

I think the issue is that many people are getting the impression she will treat those children - her own kids - very differently!

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I have to point out that step children are often treated differently, sometimes it's their own children that's treated differently, that is the nature of blended families and who lives with who. It is impossible to make everything 'equal'. Trying to do this is borderline impossible. What is most important is that a conversation is had with stepdaughter (by dad) to find out how the stepdaughter feels about this. And if stepdaughter is not happy, it's dad's job to fix. But she WAS offered and wanted on the family holiday. So why should she have a 1-1 holiday with her dad, the other kids are not having this, although their mum is doing it. And I do agree with OP, if she's taking her kids away then that's her prerogative, and stepdaughters mum is free to do the same.

She's not been 'left out'!! And yes I am a stepmum and a mum. I have a very happy and balanced stepdaughter who is happy with what we do for her (and she too declined a holiday), and a daughter who is not even invited to go with her dad and her half brother who is bothered about it - that's left out, not an invite and decline!

Animatic · 01/08/2026 18:59

Lol, i would have never imagined cash-in-lieu of holiday is an option. But, if she needs help funding her holiday she could always ask her dad directly.

0Thatsplenty0 · 01/08/2026 20:51

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 01/08/2026 13:40

Her mum shouldn't be messaging you like this, however I see why she is asking. Your DSD has probably not had an expensive Disney holiday herself, due to her parents divorcing, and her mum probably sees her as being treated less favourably than dad's other children. I would give her some money towards a holiday with friends which will be a lot less than Disney. I see it as less about the money and more about making her feel important to her dad who has, in her eyes, replaced her with new children. Or, could he take her away by himself so she gets some quality time with him and is treated to a holiday/short break she will enjoy. It's a bit harsh to offer her Disney and say well she chose not to come when the choice of destination was clearly all about the younger children and not her.

In your haste to put the boot in, you never even took the time to read all OP's posts. For your information...

She rejected it because she isn't keen on rides. She has been before

0Thatsplenty0 · 01/08/2026 21:03

Velumental · 01/08/2026 18:11

She has, read her replies, she's said theyr not contributing

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No she did not! Stop making things up. 😂I think it's actually the girl's mother who won't be contributing to university but no-one seems to mind that.

I haven't said we wont be contributing anything to University. CMS will stop soon but what we give towards university has no relevance to this thread

MeatyMagda · 01/08/2026 21:20

The lengths that some posters have gone to in finding ways to castigate the OP are incredible. In a simple thread where an 18 year old was offered a holiday abroad!

Maybe OP and her DH will contribute to the 18 year olds holidays with mates or other things. That’s up to them. It’s definitely NOT up to the ex wife to make demands of them like some self appointed line manager. OP has probably had 15 years of the ex wife’s shit, and now the time has come for her to piss off.

Boreded · 01/08/2026 22:51

Velumental · 01/08/2026 18:11

She has, read her replies, she's said theyr not contributing

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No she didn’t, she actually refused to be drawn on the topic. She said the DSD was getting max loans, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t contributing on top. My son is taking his tuition loan but I’m going to be paying it all off within the next 3 years…I’ve taken it for cashflow purposes and to hedge my bets in case I need to spend the money on an emergency.

Stolengoat · 01/08/2026 22:57

Violetdeparma · 01/08/2026 13:45

That's interesting .
Are they all full siblings /half/step.
Blended family or single mum ?
All live together reasonably get on ? .
And quite close in ages.

My two would like to go although there are of course amazing parks across the world that many argue are better ! But mine roughly get on ,as a family we are one whole family with no outsiders and mine are close ish age. ..my family isn't relevant to the ops step daughter at all ...is yours ?

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I was replying to another poster who said Disney is only for children. My family is not relevent to the ops, as mine are all full siblings and living at home. I do agree with the op though.

Timeforachange26 · 01/08/2026 22:59

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 01/08/2026 14:25

I can’t see Op replied when the holiday was?
Is it at a time the dsd could go bearing in mind uni dates aren’t same as school hols.

No they aren't They are a damn sight longer than school holiday . If schools are off in the summer than uni students have ages off before and at least a week or 2 after schools return

Timeforachange26 · 01/08/2026 23:02

Vivi0 · 01/08/2026 15:51

I find it hard to think what I would have done in terms of money in lieu as truthfully we always choose trips that appeal to the whole family, because for me that's what a family holiday is for.

If all of your children but one wanted to go to Disney, then they would never get that experience because the holiday needs to appeal to every single one of them?

That’s sad.

I have 3 children and they well understand that not every day out, or holiday, will be centered around them individually. That’s just the reality of having multiple children.

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And much more difficult if they are different ages. As stated before I had a 17 13 and 4 year old. Please tell me what holiday would be ideal for them all ( and me)

IHaveQuestionsLotsOfQuestions · 02/08/2026 05:29

ZestLemon · 31/07/2026 17:55

I am not 'making up for' anything I didn't cause or create. Both her parents can get the blame for that and my kids wont miss out because of 2 adults choices before they were born.

again, because its not relevant.

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Spot on OP.

Original poster
ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 08:57

Timeforachange26 · 01/08/2026 23:02

And much more difficult if they are different ages. As stated before I had a 17 13 and 4 year old. Please tell me what holiday would be ideal for them all ( and me)

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Disney.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:04

1HappyTraveller · 01/08/2026 12:34

When OP’s biological children are 18 I very much expect the holiday will be tailored by OP to make sure both of them want to go.

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No, When I am spending thousands on a holiday, I tailor it to things I would like to see. If that aligns with my children's then great but considering both my children are keen to see the whole world, I am pretty sure anywhere I say they will say yes.

A few Trips over the next 5 years I would like to take... Texas, Montana, Japan, Jordon, Budapest, Venice, Albania, Iceland.

I am 100% sure that if I am paying, they are getting on that plane.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:06

Boreded · 01/08/2026 11:49

Exactly, this is normal. You have a holiday allowance and you use it how you want, within reason, and only if the business agrees.

I have a block of 3 weeks off every single summer, my employer hasn’t had an issue with it in the 15ish years I’ve been doing it.

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My work place lets people take up to 2 months off as long as its not in certain months. An apprentice just took 2 months off to travel Thailand.

Iv took a 4 week stint off and will be again next year for disney.

Posters banging on about work ethic are being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:07

Anyway, we have blocked DSD mum.
We wont be giving her any money in lieu of the holiday right now but we may give her £100 when we go so that wont be until next year.

OP posts:
GardenAnarchist · 02/08/2026 09:12

Posters are just scavenging for excuses to put the boot in.

Any holiday you chose would have been a deliberate slight upon the SD alone, tailored to whatever she most despises.

Any time of year would have been a deliberate choice to inconvenience her uni holidays.

Any length of trip would have been a deliberate attempt to destroy her career.

Any answer you make, or lack thereof, is a giant billboard declaring all of the above, plus that you hate her.

And any use of punctuation just puts the final nail in your coffin!!

PhaedraTwo · 02/08/2026 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Violetdeparma · 02/08/2026 10:30

MeatyMagda · 01/08/2026 21:20

The lengths that some posters have gone to in finding ways to castigate the OP are incredible. In a simple thread where an 18 year old was offered a holiday abroad!

Maybe OP and her DH will contribute to the 18 year olds holidays with mates or other things. That’s up to them. It’s definitely NOT up to the ex wife to make demands of them like some self appointed line manager. OP has probably had 15 years of the ex wife’s shit, and now the time has come for her to piss off.

We only have one side here and from ops tone and responses it could be argued that similary the 18 mum has had 15 years of difficult relations from their side also

Violetdeparma · 02/08/2026 10:32

ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:07

Anyway, we have blocked DSD mum.
We wont be giving her any money in lieu of the holiday right now but we may give her £100 when we go so that wont be until next year.

That's what her dad agreed to ? A mesely 100 ?

I sincerely hope this poor girl is at least treated fairly in the will. .

Violetdeparma · 02/08/2026 10:33

What did he give her for her 18 ? The special bdsy ..

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 02/08/2026 10:46

Timeforachange26 · 01/08/2026 22:59

No they aren't They are a damn sight longer than school holiday . If schools are off in the summer than uni students have ages off before and at least a week or 2 after schools return

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Yes summer break longer but if Op going Easter or October or May half term (lots do as summer in Florida is so unbearably hot and heavy rain/thunderstorms) then it’s not compatible with uni dates. To get a good price on flights and avoid summer often people tack on to half terms for Florida. My dd had 2 weeks off every October that was an ideal time for our Florida holidays.

sittingonabeach · 02/08/2026 10:52

ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:07

Anyway, we have blocked DSD mum.
We wont be giving her any money in lieu of the holiday right now but we may give her £100 when we go so that wont be until next year.

Why are you punishing the DSD for the mum’s behaviour?

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 02/08/2026 11:09

ZestLemon · 02/08/2026 09:07

Anyway, we have blocked DSD mum.
We wont be giving her any money in lieu of the holiday right now but we may give her £100 when we go so that wont be until next year.

Sorry but £100 is really stingy. Really really stingy.

Boreded · 02/08/2026 11:26

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 02/08/2026 11:09

Sorry but £100 is really stingy. Really really stingy.

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Yeah I was fully on OPs side until she said £100.

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 02/08/2026 11:54

Boreded · 02/08/2026 11:26

Yeah I was fully on OPs side until she said £100.

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Same here.

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