To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

Why does it make a difference if they're not working? Should kids be rewarded for not working?!

Parents can contribute if they wish, of course, but a contribution should never be demanded.

The dsd was invited on the family holiday. She chose not to go. That doesn't mean that she is entitled to have another holiday paid for instead.

I agree with you @Whatthefork1

We told our own children the same, you can come with us if you want to but if you don't you wont get the equivalent of that trip. We once went to St.Petersburg with our son, our daughter chose not to join us. But she travelled to Iceland with us and then her brother did something else with his friends. Of course they had their allowance they could use for travel, but we didn't give them "compensation" for the trip they chose not to join us for 🤷🏼‍♀️

Her Dad and OP offered a 3wk holiday, and the adult refused, end of. You choose to.go or miss out, its ridiculous to think she's now entitled to any compensation 🤣

She's 18, shes and adult ! No wonder young adults are so entitled, when they have parents that won't let them grow up.

My daughter came on holiday with us until she was 21, my son decided he didnt want to come at 18, I left him with a fridge full of food and £25 in case he ran out of anything.

No one is entitled to a holiday, if she can't afford to go to Ibiza, then she can't go, like thousands of other adults.

Sadly, many men lack autonomy. That’s the problem with many blended families. Men will totally abandon the children from their first families, because of the demands of their second wife/partner. Fact. They lack a back bone and tend to fall in line with situations to make their own life easier. Another thread yesterday where a father was demanding his sister treat his step children exactly the same as her actual niece and nephew, despite her not having a relationship with them, even as far as not being able to take out her niece and nephew without including step children. Absolutely so obvious where that instruction came from…..

I would just tell her that you are not setting that precedence as when your other two reach 18 they too will be invited and come, or stay at home and fund their own holidays with friends. I would just tell the mom you were both funding family memories, not being cash cows.

Sorry, but what a bloody cheek!

I think comments on here just show different parenting approaches. I paid for my 18 year old dds first girls holiday. Others wouldn’t. Surely there’s no wrong or right way. You just follow your own path when raising children. We don’t all parent the same way, which is why it’s silly clashing heads on here as to whether contributing in any form to a child’s holiday is acceptable. Does it really matter? Just do you…..my contribution on here is solely down to whether it’s acceptable for a step parent to insert themselves into a situation that should be left to the child’s actual parents.

I accept (have since accepted) it might be a wonderful place to go at any age. In fact, I quite like the sound of it now (middle-aged)!

However, I myself would have been mortified to go at age 18 as I was in a heavy metal phase and hanging out with cool people, some older blokes, and trying to be an adult in an adult world.
I'd also have been mortified to go tagging along with younger siblings.

(added) someone also said about the time - yes it's taking up three weeks, so she would be missing her job for that amount of time - maybe she doesn't want to. She quite obviously needs any money earned from it for uni.

And I'm sorry OP, but the more I read, the more I feel sorry for your DSD. No one is 'entitled' to a cash handout, but it really doesn't sound like she is an equal part of the family.

I think the issue is that many people are getting the impression she will treat those children - her own kids - very differently!

This is because of the frenzy whipped up by other posters though. Nothing that OP has actually said paints a picture of a DSD that is not treated like family. People have their own hang ups and have projected it onto this thread.

(added) someone also said about the time - yes it's taking up three weeks, so she would be missing her job for that amount of time - maybe she doesn't want to. She quite obviously needs any money earned from it for uni.

Given she's only 18 she won't have a long employment history and presumably doesn't work full time. In my office anyone of that status asking for 3 weeks holiday, unless there were exceptional circumstances, wouldn't get it.

Yes, and she'd be a fool to even ask - doesn't show a good work ethic!!

No. You only have read the OP's posts to work that out. She didn't even think it was reasonable her stepdaughter and father should have time on her own. No "frenzy" needed to be "whipped up"

Technically op has said she doesn't owe this girl nothing.nothing to do with her etc.

But this isn't how the girl would be treated in a normal loving family with her two partents united is it
So morally and ethically is it wrong to bung her a few 100 to mark this exciting time in her life and show her some support ??

Went back over OP posts;
She rejected it because she isn't keen on rides. She has been before.
It was nothing to do with getting time off work or doing overtime.

Would still be a question of affecting references/income etc.
And back to the question of booking a holiday the step daughter/older child won't like..

Including Sea World. Awful place.

I disagree. We might be assuming things, we might be wrong, but I am looking at the OP posts and the tone/content.

The step parent should stay out of it even though it was her that organised the trip and paid for it with her money? OP has said she is the family breadwinner. You do realise without step parent there wouldn't be a trip? Now she has to cope with awful, abusive behaviour from her SD's mother that has probably been going on for years. I didn't hear a gleefully tone in this thread, I heard someone who has been worn down by years of this abusive nonsense and every action getting twisted to make them appear like the bad guys.

I get the impression the real Disney fan is OP, she has organised this trip with her own money, invited everyone along fairly and now is getting nothing but grief and agro.

All the discussion about uni expenses and trips between Dad and Daughter are irrelevant to OP who is just trying to deal with the hurt of yet another nice gesture being sabotaged by SD's Mum and the constant undermining of her and DH's parenting decisions.

I'd be interested to know how SD feels about the whole charade now she is 18. Is she OK with her Mum being so abusive? or is her number one priority getting money by any means possible.

You can’t take tone from written word in the way you want to…not on a public forum like this. OPs responses are made at varying times of the day and to posters who have at times been rude…so tone will change with that context.

There is no way you can judge this family based on the OP being so annoyed with DSD’s DM that it lead to a thread being started…the thread itself started because of frustration so lots of earlier posts will be written with that still in her mind. Subsequent posts are responses to people who are judging her without reason which again can sway tone.

Look at the words OP has said, nothing about disliking DSD, nothing about not supporting her, she actually said something in a really loving and proud manner when saying ‘she’s a good little worker’ which shows she cares.

Really?

she can’t ask for time off from her holiday from her part time supermarket/shop job a year from now 🤦‍♀️ what is wrong with the people on this thread

Oh no 😢 I can’t believe it…sea world. Well that’s it then…the OP is definitely being unreasonable not to give her the money. Ffs 🤦‍♀️

@Ponoka7 that's it the girl is being punished for her mum.

Because OP is booking a holiday the family will like, and paying for it…an adult can then choose to go for free or not 🤷‍♀️

why should the other kids miss out on going to Disney because an adult who isn’t paying for it might not want to go

We have work ethics, apparently.

Your response doesn't make sense.

You mentioned OP is going to other Florida attractions. I was responding to that. I'm pointing out one of them keeps highly intelligent, long lived, marine animals in cramped conditions and forces them to play tricks to entertain tourists.

The only "FFS" as far as I'm concerned is why anyone with a conscience would want to go there.