To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

This is a different situation though, because there is no question of other siblings going on a trip angled more at them, and no further background of the siblings in question being half siblings.

There is zero issue of unfairness as between your DS and the rest of his step family.

My son asked me the same thing as I'd offered to pay for his flights to Finland to see a friend as he'd had a crummy year. He did then ask if he didn't go could he have the money and I said no! I didn't have any spare money but would save like mad to be able to let him go away and relax for a bit.

For me it’s the significant cost saving eg Op was willing to spend say £12,000 at point of booking but is only paying £10,000 as they are saving dsd’s tickets and flight cost so I’d pay some of that forward to eldest who is facing costs setting off to uni at same time as they are booking the holiday.
They don’t have to give her anything like Op says they offered a holiday and she’s declined.
It just wouldn’t sit right with me though knowing I’d effectively got a £2000 saving as she’s said no and she’s scrimping by at uni and needing to borrow maximum loans. Just my thoughts.

Using this logic you would offer money to family members who decline invitations to dinners out, theatre visits or days out.
We go to Florida regularly as a family of 7 and I wouldn’t treat someone not coming as a “saving”. It’s not a holiday or cash offer , it’s either you’re coming in which case we budget for it, or you’re not in which case we budget for less people. It’s a family saving which means more money is available for other priorities rather than an individual person’s saving which they can draw in cash.
its nice of you though to offer your dc money for other things.

I go to Florida annually so know the ticket costs. Not everyone appreciates just how expensive they are.
My head immediately jumped to they are making a big saving of £1500 with dsd not going. It’s not like a beach holiday where it makes little difference except for flights if 4 or 5 go. Personally, as a mum to a uni age child who knows how expensive it is especially when they first go I’d pass some of that big saving to my daughter especially if she’s having to take max loans. Op obviously feels differently. Just sharing my point of view.

At 18, I wouldn't be discussing finances with her mother, I'd be discussing them with her directly.

But your generation will have gone to university for free and if you were working class you will have probably got a grant for your living expenses. Your generation could have spent all their money from part time jobs on holidays. I did not go to university but my husband did. He got free tuition but his parents had to pay for his living expenses. They were expected to pay and they did. It is the responsibility of decent parents to support ( or if they can’t afford it help support) their children until they are working full time. We paid for our children to go through university and gave them some money towards holidays. They worked in the summer holidays but not term time. This meant they could give their full attention to studying. We were not rich. We saved money for this. When our children were young we usually holidayed in the UK or Eurocamp. We had more holidays abroad when they were older. Our children appreciated this and intend to give the same level of support to our grandchildren.

I still can't get my head round those who are complaining.

As I said upthread, I once refused to go on holiday with my my mum and dad. I actually regret it now for several reasons, but that's done.

What I didn't do was expect the money in lieu of the holiday.

Honestly, that's a good amount of money. It's as much as some people give for a wedding present.

I've already explained that I'd never heard of people paying for their adult children's holidays until I came across this thread.

In my circle (working class or working class children who have become middle class, I guess) the most that anyone does is to give their kids a bit of spending money - one hundred pounds would seem to be about right, nowadays, and hardly measly.

Family ride photo, don’t forget to send another £5 for her cut.

And the ice creams and burgers don’t forget 🤯

Exactly. This all all blows my mind what people are suggesting.

some of my family invited us on a day trip and they offered to pay. Would have been quite expensive. We declined - I’m not going to call them and ask for the equivalent money!!!

Why on earth are you spending so much time and brain space on this. Looking up costs?!

she’s lucky to get £100

i don’t get given money when my parents go on holiday without me?

also in my house - if one one of my kids was given £100 cash and the others not - they’d be uproar. It would start bigger problems.

How much the holiday cost is besides the point and people are completely missing it. It’s the entitlement of the whole situation. She is an adult who has an income and she was invited on a free, very expensive, long holiday! She decided to turn it down which is fine but you don’t get to ask for the cash instead.

Where do you draw the line. DSD doesn’t want to come for a family meal out so demands £40 instead, DSD is invited to go bowling as a family but says no so demands £30 instead?

You get offered something for free you either say yes thank you or no but thanks.

ah op no matter what amount you said wouldn’t be right here unless is was penny for penny including what you spend while away 🤣🤣

I wouldn’t know - I don’t book holidays based on what would be ideal for everyone, because we are all so different.

I’m paying for the holiday, so we go where their dad and I decide. I don’t and have never given my children an option of different holidays. That seems like a bad idea that would just lead to discord.

Our holidays are varied, though, and to date, they have yet to complain about any holiday we have taken.

What I would never do, however, is rob my youngest child of the holiday types that my elder children got to experience when they were younger. For example, my elder children don’t believe in Santa, but we will be going to Lapland this year to give my youngest child this experience. My elder children did this when they were younger, and they are super excited for their younger brother. I don’t consider Disney to be a holiday which is centred around young children though. Having been, there is really no such thing as “peak Disney age”.

It’s like stepchildren are actively encouraged to resent their their younger siblings for things that elder children in intact families accept is just the normal part of being an elder sibling in a family system.

Likewise, children with multiple siblings understand that not everything will be centered around them individually, yet stepchildren are pitied for things that children in intact families accept as just a normal part of having siblings.

It’s not healthy in the slightest.

Cash alternative is bonkers! For an adult child too.

Imagine if the DSD had started a thread - my dad invited me on holiday. I didn't fancy it. I want the equivalent cash instead but he's only offered a measly 100 quid. AIBU?

She'd be ripped to shreds and told she was entitled and rude and as she's an adult she can work more to fund the life she wants.

(I know it's the mum not the dsd who is asking, the above is just an example!)

I’m really shocked at all the criticism you’re getting here .
You offered a really amazing holiday and she didn’t want to go . Fair enough. But to ask for cash instead is so unbelievably cheeky?!
You don't receive a gift and say ‘ thanks but it’s not my thing, can I have cash instead please ? ‘
Of course Disney is also for adults ….there’s so many other things to do . More importantly, a holiday is actually spending time together whatever you’re doing . I’ve never been and at 49 I’d snatch your hand off to come !
I don’t agree you should discuss or involve her in decisions about holidays either….. you’re paying, it’s your call. Plus it sounds like 4 out of 5 people are happy with the choice.
If she said ….. I quite fancy going away with my friends , cash is short, are you able to contribute at all ?’ I’d be ok with that but to demand the cost ? No. She’s already been away anyway!
i don’t know why people are discussing Uni…. Separate issue

Maybe I’m harsh, I wouldn’t be giving out a £100! They seem entitled and ungrateful, she was offered a wonderful holiday and didn’t want to go. For the crazies who said you should’ve considered her when you booked?! wtf? You shouldn’t be taking an adult into consideration when you book your family holiday with younger children. She’s an adult who’d rather go on a bender in Ibiza with her friends, and that’s okay! But to expect this funded is madness.

but considering both my children are keen to see the whole world, I am pretty sure anywhere I say they will say yes.

😬

That half sentence said rather a lot

I think giving her £100 as a token when you’ve saved £1500 on her tickets alone by her not coming is unfair. If I was a parent spending a good few thousand on dc 2 and 3 I’d want to ensure my dc1 had similar. Her dad obviously feels differently to me though.
Op says they are doing Disney, Universal, Discovery cove and Seaworld.

First pic is cost of Disney & Universal combined. Second pic is Discovery cove which includes seaworld.