Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some women should not be punishing their DM/MILs regarding childcare?

145 replies

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 08:35

I keep seeing posts where women say if their DM/MIL won’t do childcare for them now, then they won’t be there for her when she’s older.

Not even said in anger, more like a matter-of-fact stance. You didn’t help me, so I won’t help you.

Doing regular childcare when you’re older and maybe tired, working, or not in great health isn’t always doable. It’s not always a case of just not wanting to.

Relationships aren’t contracts. You don’t bank hours of babysitting and cash them in later for elderly care.

I can understand feeling less close to a parent who isn’t around or doesn’t make an effort. That’s just human. But deciding years in advance that you won’t look after them as a punishment feels harsh.

As usual, DF/FILs are not threatened in this way.

I am not saying all women do this or that there are not happy childcare arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 16:35

WildGarden · 26/04/2026 16:20

You don't have to be a detective to spot obvious patterns.

But just for a moment, let's assume it's not you every time (just some of the times eh 😂)
Why start another, exactly the same when between us we have proved there are already about 8 easily searchable identical threads? Bit odd? Bit obsessed? Someone pissed on yer chips?

Show quote history

Get a job with MNHQ detective

People can start a thread on whatever topic they want. That is how this forum works, no?

There are more than 8 threads detective, I can't be bothered looking them up 😂

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/04/2026 16:26

toastofthetown · 26/04/2026 08:46

“Doing regular childcare when you’re older and maybe tired, working, or not in great health isn’t always doable.”

This applies to caring for the elderly as well. It’s up to grandparents to decide how much childcare to provide and it’s up to children to decide how much care to provide to ageing parents. It’s very simplistic to look at it as a simple punishment or being transactional. And even if it is, that’s the child decision to make. People often say in these threads that children aren’t owed childcare by their parents, but then by that same logic, they aren’t owed any care themselves. It seems rather entitled to not want to go out of their way for their children for their own reasons, but have an expectation that their children will do the same for them. Especially as in my family’s experience providing care for elderly relatives is significantly more challenging than caring for a child.

Very well said. I don’t view it in crude transactional terms, but it certainly does affect relationships if your parents prioritise seeing their friends and basically never help out at all when your children are young. They surely can’t expect to be looked after in their 80s/90s by people in their 50s/60s who are probably still working. No one in my and DH’s immediate family did more than take their elderly parent shopping once a week and have them for Sunday lunch and actually our DF’s did nothing like that much with their parents.

I view my primary responsibility at this stage as helping DSM with my DF. Hopefully I will have some DGC in the future and I’m happy to do one day a week to help. PIL are at the moment quite well - but when they are not the responsibility will be mainly DH’s. And we will not accept any pressure to do care because they don’t want strangers in. Our DSs were cared for very well by ‘strangers’ at nursery.

WildGarden · 26/04/2026 16:20

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 16:18

They really are not Detective 😂but you carry on 😂

Show quote history

You don't have to be a detective to spot obvious patterns.

But just for a moment, let's assume it's not you every time (just some of the times eh 😂)
Why start another, exactly the same when between us we have proved there are already about 8 easily searchable identical threads? Bit odd? Bit obsessed? Someone pissed on yer chips?

Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 16:18

WildGarden · 26/04/2026 16:15

They really are. 😂

The same old subject.
The same old phrases.
The exact same stance.
The same old never, ever responding to suggestions about boundaries.

Show quote history

They really are not Detective 😂but you carry on 😂

OP posts:
WildGarden · 26/04/2026 16:15

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 16:10

Thank you detective.

You forgot:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5521954-aibu-to-say-grandparents-doing-childcare-may-be-too-exhausted-to-offer-good-quality-care

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5516672-aibu-to-think-paying-grandparents-for-after-school-childcare-feels-unusual

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5504000-aibu-to-think-paternal-grandparents-are-treated-as-the-spare-option

No they are not my posts 😂

Show quote history

They really are. 😂

The same old subject.
The same old phrases.
The exact same stance.
The same old never, ever responding to suggestions about boundaries.

Givemeachaitealatte · 26/04/2026 16:10

I will care for my parents as they have been wonderful parents. I had a great childhood, they have continued to love and care for me through adulthood going above and beyond for me and my children so I will go above and beyond for them.

If they had been not so wonderful parents who didn't love and care for me, who made no effort to support me at all and didn't care for my children, would I be willing to break my back caring for them as well as working full time and childcare? Probably not.

If they were unable to help as much with childcare due to ill health, caring or working but were wonderful loving parents who supported where they could? Then of course I'd still care for them.

You can't opt out of family life when it suits you and still expect your children to diligently care for you.

OP posts:
WildGarden · 26/04/2026 16:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 15:59

Batties · 26/04/2026 15:57

Because of this thread and your previous threads.

Which previous threads?

OP posts:
Batties · 26/04/2026 15:57

Because of this thread and your previous threads.

Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 15:38

Batties · 26/04/2026 15:27

My personal situation means I absolutely won’t.

Show quote history

How can you be so sure of my personal situation?

OP posts:
Batties · 26/04/2026 15:27

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 15:11

I bet you will.

Show quote history

My personal situation means I absolutely won’t.

ValueofNothing · 26/04/2026 15:16

This level of rumination isn't healthy. Set boundaries and get on with your life, and don't expect more from people that you are willing to give. That goes for both parents and grandparents.

Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 15:14

JLou08 · 26/04/2026 14:34

It works both ways. Your post is about women, daughters and daughter in law 'punishing' grandmother's by saying they won't do elderly care. Where do the sons and son in laws come into this elderly care? Why is a woman not providing elderly care a punishment? It's like you're saying it's okay for the elderly to expect women in the family to care for them but no one should be expected to help with their young children.

Show quote history

No one’s arguing that elderly care should fall to women either. Care just defaults to women and no one really questions it.

It is saying to older women help with the kids now or don’t expect help later.

I agree sons and sons in law should absolutely be part of elderly care. But in reality they often aren’t, or they’re involved in a much lighter way and everyone sort of accepts that. They don't get criticised.

It’s not saying elderly parents should expect daughters to care for them. It’s saying expectations are uneven. Women get leaned on for childcare when they’re younger, then leaned on again for elder care later, and if they say no at any stage they are criticised and judged.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 15:11

Batties · 26/04/2026 14:58

In old age, I bet this same OP will expect her dd/dil to be the one running around after her.

I bet you will.

OP posts:
Batties · 26/04/2026 14:58

In old age, I bet this same OP will expect her dd/dil to be the one running around after her.

Waterwaterwaterwaterwatercycle · 26/04/2026 14:36

Oh ffs, not more of this!

Anyway, I think nobody sets out to provide care for grandchildren in order for them to receive care from their children in later life. However, it is often, naturally the case that those grandparents who have a close enough relationship with their children to want to care for grandchildren when they can, are more likely to receive care from their children because they have that bond.

I think it's fairly safe to say that once you've reached the point where someone is saying "well, I hope they aren't expecting us to spend much time with them when they're older" about their own parents, the "solid relationship" boat, has somewhat sailed.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/04/2026 14:35

You are probably right but there are so many threads about this right now and the discussion will go exactly the same way

WildGarden · 26/04/2026 14:34

Who/whatever's behind these threads has a bee in their bonnet about this being a problem only for grandmothers not grandfathers. They're not really interested in the wider issue. Just the grandmother's not grandfathers.
That's what they want to talk about.
Again and again and again.
Multiple identical threads isn't enough to satisfy their fix.

When the 'OP' is a grandmother 'in the situation' 'she's' not interested in suggestions.......just churning out the message over and over.

The answer is this. Set boundaries and if the issue isn't about you personally stop thinking/reading about it because it's not serving you well.

Sometimes I think it's a journalist, sometimes a bot. Whatever it is it's bloody weird and repetitive.

JLou08 · 26/04/2026 14:34

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 13:45

I think you’ve put your finger on it tbh.

It’s not really about grandmothers specifically, it’s that anything involving care, time, helping out just seems to default back to women. No one really questions it until someone says actually no, and then it suddenly becomes a big issue.

I agree, it’s the reaction that stands out. It’s like people have already decided what that woman’s role should be, so when she doesn’t go along with it, it feels almost like she’s doing something wrong rather than just making a choice.

We’ve seen it before as well. Women who didn’t want kids or didn’t want to get married, used to get loads of pushback. Now it’s more women who are technically in those roles but don’t want to do it in the expected way or all the time.

Obviously there are loads of grandmothers who love being really involved and that works for them, but that doesn’t mean everyone should be expected to do the same. There’s a difference between choosing to help and it just being assumed which rarely exists for men.

I think it unsettles people because if more women start putting boundaries in, it exposes how much everyone relies on that unpaid, unspoken support. Instead of looking at that properly, it’s easier to get annoyed at the woman who’s said no.

Interesting article here:

ageing-better.org.uk/blogs/what-happens-when-we-stop-relying-womens-unpaid-work

Show quote history

It works both ways. Your post is about women, daughters and daughter in law 'punishing' grandmother's by saying they won't do elderly care. Where do the sons and son in laws come into this elderly care? Why is a woman not providing elderly care a punishment? It's like you're saying it's okay for the elderly to expect women in the family to care for them but no one should be expected to help with their young children.

phoenixrosehere · 26/04/2026 14:30

cupofcup · 26/04/2026 10:56

Yes.

Show quote history

So you know the difference in babysitting and caring?

I agree that no one should be made to do anything they don’t want and that includes babysitting of grandchildren and the caring for elderly parents, however there are consequences with that choice as there are consequences for doing so both positive and negative.

Batties · 26/04/2026 14:20

The reason you don’t see men saying it is because the vast majority of people on here are women.

minipie · 26/04/2026 14:05

I've seen a collection of similar topics related to the grandmother issue (as it does seem to be mainly grandmothers starting the threads?)

I think it’s one particular grandmother starting 90% of them.

Original poster
cupofcup · 26/04/2026 13:45

OutsideLookingOut · 26/04/2026 13:25

Looking about the site more widely I've seen a collection of similar topics related to the grandmother issue (as it does seem to be mainly grandmothers starting the threads?).

There is a thread about people not respecting women's time as compared to men, there is a thread about a friend feeling she is being taken advantage off by another female friend concerning childcare and women pushing childcare on other women more generally. It is not only grandmothers but I have noticed people are more incensed when they push back (and there has been a flood of threads).

I think it may make people uncomfortable that women are not making choices that would make their lives easier the same way there was for childfree women and unmarried women in the past. There will always be grandmothers very happy and able to do childcare just as there are women both happy and able to be mothers but anyone straying from the expectations even if they fall into these categories (on their own terms/with boundaries) still get such a push back.

Show quote history

I think you’ve put your finger on it tbh.

It’s not really about grandmothers specifically, it’s that anything involving care, time, helping out just seems to default back to women. No one really questions it until someone says actually no, and then it suddenly becomes a big issue.

I agree, it’s the reaction that stands out. It’s like people have already decided what that woman’s role should be, so when she doesn’t go along with it, it feels almost like she’s doing something wrong rather than just making a choice.

We’ve seen it before as well. Women who didn’t want kids or didn’t want to get married, used to get loads of pushback. Now it’s more women who are technically in those roles but don’t want to do it in the expected way or all the time.

Obviously there are loads of grandmothers who love being really involved and that works for them, but that doesn’t mean everyone should be expected to do the same. There’s a difference between choosing to help and it just being assumed which rarely exists for men.

I think it unsettles people because if more women start putting boundaries in, it exposes how much everyone relies on that unpaid, unspoken support. Instead of looking at that properly, it’s easier to get annoyed at the woman who’s said no.

Interesting article here:

ageing-better.org.uk/blogs/what-happens-when-we-stop-relying-womens-unpaid-work

OP posts: