To ask DH to continue to work

Well then suck it up - because the alternative is he burns out and you’re absolutely buggered financially or he leaves you and you get half with huge domestic disruption 🤷🏻‍♀️ extraordinary you’ve ruled out making a meaningful financial contribution but you do you.

Well there you have it, the best of both worlds. I would be supporting my husband on this, he sounds burnt out.

Get a job, then. Hiring an Airbnb would be a darn sight cheaper than buying a lovely little country cottage (and would help those who don’t want to leave their village of origin but can’t afford to buy due to holiday home owners.

I experienced a slight reverse of this with my parents, my Mother wanted the house in the country and was in a relatively high earning & stressful job. My Father had a job he loved and it paid fairly well & we lived in a nice suburb of a nice city.
This was 1980 so money amounts were somewhat different, my mother did the country life woman for about 6 months before she got bored & my father ended up taking on lots of other projects to fund it.
My sister & I had our education disrupted & lost lots of friends, something we still talk about & feel a slight resentment all these years later.
Sadly my father had health issues from the stress & my mother had an affair which broke the whole thing up & we all went our separate ways.
I think you both need to really sit down and work it all out if you value each other.

So you and your Dc are happy with the current set up of your DH funding the nice lifestyle of large house with annex, private schools, concerts, eating out, holidays, frequent visitors and you don't want anything to change.
Meanwhile your DH seems to be at breaking point and is taking himself off for 3 hour walks alone twice a weekend.
Are you worried about his mental health?

How will moving to a commuter town help apart from adding a commute to his life?

I agree that he shouldn't be looking to wholesale quit his job and move everyone to the country because that's what HE wants. But you need to come up with a joint plan that will work in the longer term for ALL of you.

Look at downsizing. Look at state secondaries. Look at your earning potential. Look at more balanced workplace for DH.

You're both BU. You to expect your DH to keep working in a job he obviously struggles with to fund a lifestyle and a home larger than you need. Him to think it's ok to uproot 3 near teens to the sticks when they're used to Central London. He could work with animals in London if you downsized to one, smaller property there, and have rural trips on his day off.

I think it’s very fragile to build a lifestyle reliant entirely on someone else’s income! If you can’t fund your lifestyle and your DH isn’t coping with work, something has to change!

Exactly!

He is telling you he is unhappy and cannot continue, and he will end up doing something about it (either through choice or complete burn out/ill health) whether you’re part of it or not.

Stop thinking about yourself and try and at least compromise for the man who gives you your lifestyle because if he leaves you then you’d have no choice but to change it.

Find a compromise. There will be one.

Haven’t RTWT but is your annexe something you could rent out to make extra money? Perhaps Air B&B which would still enable to use it for friends from time to time? This would give your DH scope to take a less demanding job or scale back hours or whatever might help.

OP if you have debts instead of significant savings, you actually cannot afford your current lifestyle even with your partner working. You also know that his work is not going well, and he is very stressed, which might affect his work performance, in a vicious circle kind of way. You are both too young to retire with the money you have.

I don't suggest you move to the countryside right away, if it doesn't suit everyone in the family. But increase your income and reduce your outgoings will give him more flexibility to reduce hours, change career, take a sabbatical etc.

So I think the previous poster's suggestion of turning your annex into Air BnB is a good one. You should return to work and the kids should move to state schools.

Then maybe you can keep London and museums and theatre and he can have his breathing space to plan your family future.

I don't think your DH's plans for country life are necessarily realistic (does he know anything about farming and has priced the cost of land). However, it's completely unfair to expect him to carry on working, in a job he hates, just so you can have this lovely lifestyle - which you can't afford. You need to discuss ways to both get something of what you want, without compromising his health.

YABVU with this awful suggestion to compromise poor @WittyPanda 's social life to stop her lazy-arse husband doing what he needs to do to keep her in the style to which she's become accustomed (yes, and SLIGHTLY reduce his chances of dropping dead, blah, blah, blah zzzz)

I haven't read the whole thread, but my first reaction is that the OP is living the life of Riley and the DH, presumably 10-15 years older, is at the peak of earning and stress. If you love him more than your lifestyle, then you do what he would like, knowing it could go wrong; if you love the lifestyle, it's time for you to get the job that delivers it.

Hello. I understand why you might not want to move the children re schools etc and clearly both they and you are enjoying the life your DH is primarily funding. But is he? If both parties are happy for one person to be the main earner that’s fine but if one person is not happy then I do think things needs to be reassessed. I really don’t think it’s fair for one person to be carrying the pressure and financial responsibility in the circumstances you describe. You say your earnings are a pittance in comparison but you could take steps to improve this even if not to get to the level of his earnings. I suspect if there isn’t some flexibility on this, there may be impact on your marriage and ultimately your DC far worse than living in a smaller house outside of London. So think carefully, show willingness to compromise and acknowledgement of your own financial responsibility (and action) in funding the lifestyle of your family. Best wishes.

Could you air b n b the annex when not in use to enable DH to cut back his hours a bit or save to save and retire earlier?

Your attitude stinks. Asking you to earn what he earns would be asking pigs to fly? Have you asked your husband if he feels that asking him to continue is asking pigs to fly? You are being unbelievably selfish. If you’re not earning the money you are lucky to get any say. Has it occurred to you that he needs the three hour weekend walks just to get his head out of the office?

as you apparently are incapable of doing a job as stressful as your husband’s I assume you don’t understand the toll it takes, but maybe try some empathy? Maybe consider that you are heaping on more pressure by being so insistent on that lifestyle? Try to walk a mile in his shoes. You get all the having friends to stay and enjoying the city and he gets the grind, stress and pressure.

I have a high pressure job - I have no way of saying if it is as hard as his - but it would break my heart if my husband had your approach. One of the only benefits of two high pressure jobs, however, is that we do understand. But I would have thought a person with a modicum of empathy could imagine. Your husband has my sympathy.

Being honest here
You are not supportive
You need to see why he is doing what he is
Does he hate his job
Is he depressed due to his job
Is he suicidal due to his job
Is it affecting his mental health
Has hit maximum burnout and wants a career change

Then
How about
You support him
Because
Essentially you are saying
You don't care if his job is making him depressed as long as it finds your lifestyle

Please

Look at how he feels.

I would be careful raising it with him - he will realize that you see him as a sperm donor with attached wallet!

I feel the same as you about London. I moved- regret it and can’t wait to move back one day. Don’t do it! Let him get a country side house or whatever and spend time there as he wishes but don’t move completely!

How much of your current lifestyle could you maintain if he burnouts, has a stroke, or just tips the table and quits his job?

How much of your current lifestyle could you maintain if he left you? Half the house + your ‘pittance’ of a salary + maintenance based on him working at a petting zoo? You might manage a flat in a less desirable part of London, but the matinees at the NT and private school fees would have to go.

I think your best option is significant compromise on your part OP, even if only in your self interest and not concern for your DH’s physical and mental health.

I sometimes wonder if people who use the word vibe regarding living in London on mumsnet are trolls 😁

Well then you won’t be able to live the lifestyle

“Let him”?! It’s his bloody money