To ask DH to continue to work

If he totally burns out you won't have a choice. You have to move and you'll have a mentally unwell dh.

If your current lifestyle relies on his earnings and he doesn't want to do this anymore then what you want is frankly irrelevant

Your want for your current lifestyle doesn't supercede his want to stop doing his job. Yours is a passive want that relies on him doing something he hates.

It sounds like your husband it burnt out - I think you need to pay careful attention to this. With that being said, it doesn't like a sensible idea for to downsize and not have income. I don't think moving to the country side will resolve the problem.

Being in the position where you are burnt out from work is awful. I’ve been there and luckily my husband had my back and I took a little time off work.

Dont know what the right answer is for you and your DH. However, if he reaches the end of his tolerance with work and needs to take sick leave, that would be worse for your family.

As he sets off on these walks at 5am, I thought it’s more likely it’s to help his mental health: to get out in nature and fresh air as opposed to lying there with anxiety and/or depression.

But he could be paying someone else a visit.

If you couldn't earn as much as him or even close then it's mostly up to him really isn't it. That's the downside of marrying someone rich when without him you'd be in a hugely different position. Surely it's better this way than waiting for him to burn out or decide he's had enough of you altogether? You'd be in a much worse position then.

As to your reasons for not moving, why do you assume friends and family will not visit if you move to the country? Are they only coming for the free access to London

Our friends lived in London. After the initial few times coming up to see us. None wanted to come to the countryside so we ended up travelling back every few weeks and having to stay over with various friends.

FYI - the country is not a dead zone - even country people enjoy access to galleries, museums, theatres and restaurants!

But only if you travel. Our petrol bill and travel bill was through the roof. Our closest supermarket (that wasn’t getting closed down on a regular basis because of health and safety issues) was 35 miles away.

Yes there are theatres, but only if you did a 60/70 mile round trip.
Forget about 3 hours walking each weekend day he will be in the car going to the supermarket.

Be careful OP, if you come across like this in real life you might end up not having a husband and therefore not having an annex or living the London vibe!

Well as I understand it the plan is to retire so time will not be an issue, and going back to visit friends sounds a nice way to keep in touch to me.

Having grown up in the country and subsequently lived and enjoyed the benefits of living in major cities all over the world I wouldn’t say living in the country is an unspeakably inconvenient way of life. It’s just different and requires more planning than the spontaneous way of life that is possible in the city. That seems a small price to pay for the OPs partner’s sanity.

This thread must be a wind up.

I think your DH’s mental health is more important than your joy of living in London… you sound pretty lucky anyway!

Honestly from what you have said about your husband OP he needs this. If things continue as they are he will likely make himself ill trying to make you happy.

So your decision is whether you support him and help get the children onboard with idea so parents are a united front or you prioritise your own needs and start working out how to sustain your life in London after he stops working and moves to the country.

Both scenarios involve upheaval - because all change is upheaval- but in one you face this transition together and in the other you are alone and your children face confusion and divided loyalties.

Likely both scenarios will involve selling your current home, and staying put in London alone will mean you will need to find better paid work to fill the financial gap to maintain your current lifestyle.

Only you can decide if remaining in London will be enough to overcome no longer living in the house you love, having less time to do the things you enjoy, having to work more and bear financial responsibility for yourself, whilst parenting confused and possibly resentful children. Life will be very different. Good luck 🤞

It doesn't have to be a binary choice. London or countryside.

You could downsize to a much cheaper house in London, state school and just rescale your life so that he doesn't need to earn as much money.

Neither of you are wrong but you haven't given much background as to why your dh wants to move so desperately. (Sorry if you have, I haven't read all the replies).

Is he ill? Is he unhappy,depressed? Is he worried about money? Redundancy? Etc etc.

I live in London, in a very normal house, living a very ordinary lifestyle. Since our kids have grown up and left home, we have thought about selling it all, moving somewhere smaller/quieter/less expensive. I've had some health issues since covid, I want it more than my husband. My husband is desperate to stay in London and we've had to compromise (we stay in London but I've retired early to help with my health). What is your compromise OP? Surely it can't all be about you and what you want?

I wanted to sell my London lifestyle to fund early retirement. My husband and I found a way to stay and for me to retire. We've both compromised. Something you must do too I believe.

Except we lost all our friends because it became such a pain meeting up. The invites got less and less.

Tell me what is convenient about the countryside

The children are due to change school anyway as they are reaching the end of primary. This would be the perfect time to change school

You're describing the back of beyond, not commuter-belt within 30-45 mins of London by train.
35 miles from a supermarket means you are very rural and isolated.

This is what I'd do.

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

Well of course you don't earn much, if you've been swanning around your lovely life enjoying all the 'art galleries, concerts, restaurants, amazing shops, museums. There are a thousand things to do.'

Time to swap roles! DH gives up his stressful high-powered job, and enjoys the high life supported by your hard graft. Then he might not want to leave London.

Your earning power will improve if you apply yourself, and if it doesn't, your children will simply have to slum it in state school.

Or, you could give DH's dreams a fair try, move to the countryside, both work part-time in jobs you find rewarding, send the kids to the local comp, and enjoy a simpler, slower-paced lifestyle.

Or, divorce, take him for half of everything he has worked so hard to accumulate, board the kids, and enjoy all the diversions of single life in a swanky city apartment.

Mostly I'm agog that the sale of your home would clear substantial debts and finance retirement at the same high standard of living while still in your 40's!!!

Some people don't know they're born.
Back to eBaying the remnants of my wardrobe to pay for food and heat.

buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Well, that’s pretty much all that you do. You are being hugely unreasonable. Have you talked to your husband about the stresses? About how he sees his future and his future with you and the family?

Why don’t you go out and work 12 hours a day and bring in the salary on which the rest of the family depends. Unless you’re prepared and able to do that, have done fucking empathy for the person who does do that for you.

Your husband’s dream is probably unrealistic and a bit unreasonable but he is clearly close to burn out. He doesn’t get the opportunities of pottering around art galleries and so on. Maybe he needs a bit of pottering.

Did you never make new country friends to replace the city friends who drifted away?

The things I like about living in the country:
The countryside has a wealth of easily accessible outdoor activities not available in the city, great access to organic products, amazing views wherever you look, more spacious homes for a lot less money, good state schools and I have found my neighbours to be extremely welcoming and friendly in a way that seems less common in large cities.

Galleries , theatres, shops and restaurants are only a train ride away if I’m yearning for culture and it’s free and plentiful parking at the station.

This.

No.
The "I don't" in the OP, is the OP responding to her own question stated in the thread title - "Am I being unreasonable to ask my dh to continue to work?
She then says "I don't" (think I'm unreasonable)
She is not saying "I don't" (work) 😂
OP has repeatedly stated she WORKS in subsequent posts
MN should require all users to undergo eyesight and comprehension tests 😂

Your DH sounds very close to a total breakdown. He is not a work horse.

I get that you are a partnership, and that of course you do have a say in how you live your married/ family life together. But it sounds like the pressure on him is too much. Don't you care about his health and happiness? Sounds like you could still have a fantastic lifestyle even if he slows down a bit.

My DH earns more than 3x what I do and I earn over 60k a year. Much of our lifestyle (kids in private school etc) depends on his income. Like you, I couldn't earn what he does in my field.

But we have deliberately not maxed our outgoings so that we have a buffer if it all gets too much for him. I worry about his health and always say that if he feels he has to, he should step back. We know he can't work 70+ hour weeks forever (he's 39 now so coping but it's taking its toll).

You sound like you've forgotten your DH is a person not just a provider. You might not want a change in lifestyle but since it's not you sacrificing your mental and physical health for it I think you need to reconsider and make some compromises.

You can retire in your 40s but you need to sit down with a financial planner and chart a course. The FIRE movement (financial independence, retire early) in the States has loads of online advice.

I also am amazed people pay the school fees they do. DH went to grammar and then Cambridge. I went to state university in the USA on scholarships and earned two graduate degrees. We both were country yokels who did well in life. Maybe move somewhere where there is decent education provision…Kent, Lincolnshire still have loads of great grammar schools.

Your DH is telling you that he’s done with your current lifestyle. Listen. He’s walking 3 hours probably to walk off stress. If it takes three hours for him to walk that off, that’s a lot of stress to be carrying around. It could kill him early.

As to living in the countryside….All I will say is when I have my windows open at night, all I hear are the owls. There is no light pollution. I can see the Milky Way at night. In the morning, there is the dawn chorus to listen to and enjoy. I can see the sunrise and sunset fully. In the summers, I have a veg garden full of excellent produce, an orchard, we get milk and cheese delivered from the local dairy, and a fishman who comes once a week. My past health problems have largely disappeared. I walk in beautiful places and see wildlife. Being in nature is never boring. It is wonderful and pure peace. Being aware of the seasons and living with nature is what our species did for a very long time.

I can walk to a couple set of neighbours and say hello, and a pot of coffee or tea is in the offing, and we have a chat and a laugh…I offer the same hospitality to them. I know everyone in our small village, and people lend a hand when needed. I mentioned I needed help moving from stuff…one offered a trailer, the other said they were hauling stuff and I could add mine onto the load. I lend my neighbour my hedge trimmer, he lends me his stihl lopper when I’m pruning. it is just the way of it.

I can still take a train to the city to enjoy cultural life, but I am always happy to come home back to peace and friends.