To ask DH to continue to work

3hour walks? Hmm. This reminds of a recent thread about a rich boho wife who became at utter bitch when her husband left her.

“That is the only way we could retire now.”

“WE could retire”? Nobody is forcing you to retire OP - maybe you could work full time in a demanding job and keep him in a lower paid less stressful role while he build the family on the next stage of their life?

I guess you have two choices really (there are more but these two standout)

1. you move to the country /commuter town and slow the pace of life for your husband - doesn’t have to slow for you or
2. your stay where you are, husband keeps working his arse off to keep you in the lifestyle you crave and he goes into burnout and breakdown from stress and overwork and becomes too ill to work - then you have to downsize anyway cos financial sickness support is bloody awful and he feels awful and what do you do in this scenario?

Will moving mean DH doesn't have to work as much? if it means he's able to reduce his hours and enjoy himself and relax more I'd do it. I don't want to be cruel but tomorrow isn't promised.. DH could drop down dead in 5 years time and you'd wish he hadn't worked as hard and not got to enjoy his life. London is great and all but you can't beat the calm of countryside.

I earn more than my DH.

I've never for a moment thought that means I get to call all the shots. Or that I could insist that we move away from his friends and family, schools and his job so I could give up work and potter about in the countryside.

What a bizarre point of view.

At the weekends, he is up at 5am and goes for a walk for 3 hours. Every Saturday and Sunday. That is what he wants to do: sell up and buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Your DH is a fantastist, or at least retreating into a fantasy to escape from feeling trapped in his job.

Rather than making this "my way or your way" can you take the position of genuinely open to it if he can take you through exactly how it's going to work? As much detail as possible. Where will you live? What will the running costs there be - what's the baseline annual income/capital burndown? If a zoo job, does that pay enough? How long would your capital and investment income be able to supplement it? How is retirement to be funded, and for how long? Will you move again once the kids are grown? If farming, how much does the small farm take to run - running costs, people effort, insurance, risk etc? Does he expect to be able to take holidays? How does that work with funding and with running the farm? How will the kids socialise? How is that funded? As they get older will they need their own cars and how is that funded?

Don't approach it as a series of gotchas, but as a genuine "Ok, this is what you want to do, how do we make it work?" But refuse to make any dramatic changes until he can answer that question, and also refuse to work out the answers for him, not only because it's not fair to make you do the work of making the fantasy into something concrete when you don't want the change, but also because then you are made responsible for the boring and disappointing compromises while he keeps his fantasy. He needs to be the one who faces reality and owns the decisions.

Maybe he won't do the work and this stays a fantasy. Maybe he will, and then you can start to have real conversations about a concrete plan (perhaps including buying a small London property you can air bnb for some income but also use yourself from time to time to enjoy what you like to do in London). Either way, it's a more constructive way to address this.

FWIW my DH and I are in a similar position. It is different in that I am both the breadwinner and the person who wants to stay in London (which avoids the critcism you are facing over who funds the London lifestyle), and your family income and lifestyle are a few rungs above ours, but the fantasy/escape element is the same so my advice is the same.

Get a grip! Of course - if he doesn’t get to call them - he gets a sizeable say in the shots. And irrespective of respective earnings, if your partner says they can’t live the way you are living anymore, you make serious changes or split.

Either way OP isn’t getting what she wants - and why should she? Why must they stay there forever more? Are people in relationships not allowed to change their minds? He can’t go and potter in the country because her friends are in London?

Im 100% team DH

I went to 5, it did me an enormous amount of harm.

Personally I wouldn't move children from their home/school unless they're unhappy and take that risk.

It sounds like you are both unreasonable on some level and will need to find a compromise.

• You are unreasonable because you are enjoying a lovely lifestyle in London but to do that your husband has to do a job that he no longer enjoys and probably find stressful/exhausting and that could lead to burnout and complete loss of income

• He is unreasonable to want to move everyone to the countryside.

The compromise would be to find a cheaper house somewhere commutable so you don't completely lose access to London and for you to accept that your husband can't carry on not enjoying his life just so that you can enjoy yours.

He could find a less stressful, maybe part-time job if you downsize and you could also contribute more to the family finances.

My sympathies are with your husband. I worked in London for a long time and couldn't wait to get out in the last few years. Its exhausting, costly and relentless,
especially as you get older. I was fantasising about trees and fields in the end...I left 18 years ago and I've never been back. My quality life is vastly better than it was.

Its well nigh impossible for someone who has never worked f/t in London to understand the exhaustion and stress it causes. Im sure I wouldve loved London if my life was being paid for by someone else and I didnt have to work.
Sorry but YABU. The poor bloke isn't a cash cow.

Your DH's health and wellbeing matter, and they matter more than living in the city or paying for private school. If he's telling you he can't keep going anymore, then you need to respect that and make plans that take that into consideration, otherwise you're risking burn out, physical illness, mental breakdown, family relationship issues, etc.

If you want to live a lifestyle that depends on his current level of earning, then your only realistic option (other than running your DH into the ground to facilitate it for you) is to find an alternative way of funding it, such as DH dropping to part-time (if he feels he could do this) and you increasing your earning potential. If that's not possible, then you'll need to work with what you've got and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. The children would probably prefer to have their dad alive, well and happy, rather than go to a private school. People can still have a good quality of life outside London.

i can see why your husband wants this , I’d say buy a smaller place in the country go every weekend for a while and then decide if and when you make a permanent move.

Better to make a planned and controlled move than move in a rush because dad has a breakdown /becomes seriously ill and has no choice but to stop work

The OP says:-

I work as well but the bulk of the income is from DH job. Mine salary is a pittance compared to to his

So if he watched you go on three hour solo walks at 5am twice every weekend, and heard you tell him you hated your life and hated your job and wanted to change your life...would you expect him to tell you tough? That just because you're the one with the higher salary, doesn't mean you get to call the shots about whether you carry on doing your job or not. I need you earning that money to pay for the lifestyle i want, and my view on that is as valid as yours?

how the other half live ey!!!

on the basis of the Op…. unhappy, resentful and unhappily married

YABU, yeah. "Sorry DH I know you don't like your job or our current lifestyle but I like art galleries so tough shit".... incredible.

So your London home must be worth several £million if it would buy a house elsewhere, children's private ed for some years, and his/your pension for another 50 years perhaps ( you could live into your 90s)

I guess he's either a banker or in private equity/venture capitalism.

Retiring at mid 40s is the privilege of the very rich.

Because he's the main provider, the call is his I'd say but what's most important is your children's education and how moving would impact on that.

You don't say how old they are and this is important.

His dreams of running a small farm sound 'Walter Mitty' - an escape from his stressful job but not founded on real life.

I assume if you're so rich he's in the financial sector so how much life-long planning have you done on this potential change?

I earned a lot more than my DH. But when I realised it wasn't healthy or good for me to do the job any more he accepted my decision in a heart beat..
He wouldn't hold me hostage to a lifestyle making me ill so he could live a better life than he could provide for himself

Could you not rent out the annex to fund your husbands career change?
Or move to a smaller place in London. Or to a place in catchment of good secondary schools so you don't have to pay for private schooling. You can stay in London but he can still reset to a certain extent if that's where the majority of the family really want to be.

They have zookeepers and gardeners in London too.

Tbf to the OP, it’s not easy when your partner declares that they want to move and completely change your family’s lifestyle.

I’m married to someone who’s done this twice - declared that he wanted to make major moves, switch careers, etc. The first two were pre-children and I did consider ending our relationship the second time as I had a great job and loved where we lived. It was hard starting over in a new location.

A couple of years ago, when DH said that he wanted to retire to a rural area (having never even lived in the countryside!). I did have to say that now we have a family, we need to take it slowly this time and consider the whole family’s needs-so we’re waiting until DS is through uni. Plus again, I’m happy in my work and why should I have to start over yet again?

The OP and her DH will find a compromise, but they both need to compromise.

I can’t imagine anything worse than living in the country so this would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. If he insisted on moving it would be without me and the children.

You sound envious as well as rude.
YABU.
OP I’d stay put; country life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be!