To ask DH to continue to work

She is making money (it's not her own business or working as an independent contractor), therefore it's a job. She is not making as much as her husband and I suspect that's because of the field she is in. In some fields earning potential is much higher than others. Exeperience, education (perhaps parttime hours) might also have something to do with it.

It's fine to agrue that their lifestyle is not sustainable. It's however not fine to missrepresent the situation and claim that the burden is soley on her husband. I doubt her husband is doing much childcare or household duties if he works as much as she says. She seems to be facilitating his career as well.

3hr walks every Saturday and Sunday?
Is he having an affair op and wants to change the living situation to benefit himself before a divorce perhaps?

I wouldn't be willing to move somewhere that isolating either way.

I'd look into building up your skills and possibly retraining to increase your income so you are less reliant on your husband.

FFS! Read OP's posts. She does have a job. She just doesn't make nearly as much money as he does.

You're both being unreasonable imo. If your DH's work is financing your lifestyle but he feels that he can't continue in his job, then obviously the lifestyle cannot be sustained and is going to have to change.

On the other hand, it is a very drastic change to move your whole family out to the countryside to live essentially on some kind of "smallholding" and not work outside of it, so your DH is unreasonable to suggest that without taking into account the impact on you and the kids.

Essentially, you need to compromise. Your DH is telling you loud and clear that his present life is not working for him, so something clearly has to give. But there is a lot between living in London and living in an isolated rural location so hopefully you will manage to find a middle ground which works reasonably well for you all.

Do. Not. Move.

I loved living in London, left for husband/family and it’s not the same. I miss the place so much.

Why have only a couple of posters picked up on the fact that the OP and her husband are in debt? I suspect this may be part of the reason why the husband sensibly wants to change their lifestyle as it seems likely they can’t actually afford it.

OP how much debt are you in? Is there any chance that you don’t actually know?

Oh and I do have some sympathy for you and think some posters are being unreasonable calling you "spoilt". Presumably because from what you've written, you're quite privileged.

I'm assuming a large part of the reason for basing your family's life in London was for your DH's job. You have built a personal and family life around that. You shouldn't be expected to uproot that settled life in a moment because he snaps his fingers at you. Moving is a big upheaval and has to be a joint decision with everyone having a say in the decision-making process.

I love this post 😂 how many money drops-could buy a lovely country house
Private school
annex on your house
could buy a small cottage

bravo 👏

It sounds like your husband is having a mental health crisis or experiencing burn out and long country walks are his way of coping.

You say "all" the children and enrolled in great private schools I presume this means 4 + children , could you downsize in London or use your annexe to generate an income. I would think 4 lots of school fees it a huge amount per annum unless you have a trust fund.

You need to find a compromise and I imagine you are busy work or no work running a large home and looking after a big family and lots of entertaining guests.

Your husband is looking for a simple life. Can you downsize in London and buy a country cottage for the weekends.

When my DH goes for 3 hour walks alone, it's because he's depressed. Just saying.
But, you do you, OP.

Working in the city, especially in finance, is really stressful. Money is great but it doesn’t last as it’s not sustainable unless you want to wind up dead. Hence why you look at other options.

I do think you are being massively unreasonable here. If he’s had enough of his high pressure, stressful job and had the ability to downsize and prioritise family time/wellbeing - you’re in a fortunate position.

Unless he’s just a cash cow and you’re not all that fussed if he ends up with a nervous breakdown/heart attack or worse.

I’d probably love London too - if I wasn’t the one in the back breaking job working all hours to fund it.

You won’t get an answer, you do know that, don’t you.

He sounds burned out. The question is how long would he enjoy all the countrylife with nothing to do.

I moved with exdh to the countryside. I didn’t want to leave London

Biggest mistake of my life. If I knew then what I know now I would have divorced exdh before we moved

I hated it from the first day there. Took me 12 years to move back. Told dh if he wanted to move out again he was on his own

This happens to people all the time, OP. People’s circumstances change because of illness or injury, job loss, relationship breakdown or any number of other reasons, and they have to change their lifestyles as a result.

But it’s especially common when you build a lavish lifestyle based on one person’s high salary. They might get ill, they might have an accident, they might get sacked, they might meet someone else, or they might find they just can’t do the job anymore.

I don’t think he’s being reasonable to want to move you all to the middle of nowhere but as others have said such an irrational desire is probably a reaction to the stress. Clearly you need to find a middle way that alleviates some of the pressure on him without being quite as disruptive as that, but no, you can’t just expect the status quo to continue if the person who’s funding the status quo is telling you they can’t do anymore.

And I think that if you force it, he could either have a breakdown or leave you - both of which are likely to have worse outcomes for your lifestyle than a more measured compromise.

@FrostFlowers2025

“She is making money (it's not her own business or working as an independent contractor), therefore it's a job. “

agree she says she has a job but where does it say it’s not her own business or she’s a contractor - I can’t see that in any of her posts? How do you know ?

Honestly I think men often regret keeping women in this lifestyle. It ends up making them dependent and eventually useless and then all that's left is a really unpleasant divorce. I've worked with many men in your dh's situation and that's often how it goes.

One thing about moving to the countryside is how expensive it is. Plus how little work there is.

I would be reassessing your finances. Find good state schools instead of private
Work out what exactly you spend money on and how to cut it down or out

What jobs can he do if he wants to give up work.

He sounds like he is close to burn out but I get the impression he isn’t living in reality.

Walking around the countryside isn’t going to pay the bills and once you are out in the countryside there will still be bills just very few jobs.

If you do end up moving to Home Counties. Look at how quick it is to get into Central London. Direct train lines can get in to main stations in minutes

The husband is making a cry for help.

However, the sole earner doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions about where the family lives/how it operates.

Rent a country cottage in an easily commutable area for weekends, get DH to find a new job in same industry with 6 months gardening leave and use that to reassess. Or he should take a sabbatical.

As to your reasons for not moving, why do you assume friends and family will not visit if you move to the country? Are they only coming for the free access to London?

There are excellent schools in the country and you may even not have to pay now massively hiked private school fees to access them. Changing schools at the end of primary seems like the ideal time as it is a natural break.

I don’t think suggesting buying a weekend place is really a good compromise as you are adding to your husband’s pressure by adding on more financial responsibilities. A better compromise might be to move but agree on regular trips back to London for a culture hit and catch up with friends.

FYI - the country is not a dead zone - even country people enjoy access to galleries, museums, theatres and restaurants!

What the female of cocklodger?

My husband was in this position a few years ago but kept pushing himself and working crazy hours. One weekend we were walking in the countryside and he suddenly turned to me and told me he couldn’t go back to his city job the next day or ever again - he just couldn’t face it. He broke down in tears (only the second time I’d ever seen him cry) and proceeded to have a complete breakdown. He was unable to do any work for two years and developed a progressive long term physical illness which the consultant confirmed could be triggered by extreme stress. He refused to take sickness from work or ill health retirement as he couldn’t deal with discussing this with HR or any colleagues so just resigned straight away. I had a poorly paid full time job at the time and we had to manage on my salary but we got through it and eventually he was able to return part time to a lower level job. What I’m saying OP is that you need to act now and ease the burden on your husband before he becomes mentally or physically unwell. The signs are there. You say he wants to spend time ‘pottering’ which comes across as rather judgmental and yet you potter around museums and art galleries yourself! Why shouldn’t he fulfil his dream of a life in nature? You’ve enjoyed a lovely lifestyle due to his hard work, perhaps it’s his turn?