To ask DH to continue to work

Well, you know where the door is, don't you.

Say it is mortgage free, you have got to fund buying a new house out of that plus at least 20 years living expenses AND a pension for the remainder of your lives. You also mention paying off debts.

And at least 2 (maybe more as the OP mentions ‘all’ of the children) sets of private school fees!

I guess this is the woman from earlier who comes on here when she is bored to wind people up. No one is this obtuse in real life.

However i agree with you here.

op - whatever the outcome is, you need to accept that your current lifestyle is not sustainable. if your h cannot keep working as he is, and you can't earn enough to bridge the gap, then you have to make changes.

but if you’re going to pick someone up on something…. probably best to double check

My husband had this too: burnt out from his city job and the relentless demands of his boss. We moved out to the home counties near good state schools. We have a nice house and a not-very-swanky lifestyle. He now runs his own business and I stepped up my work commitments. We can easily go to London in 30 mins on the train to the theatre or the shops or galleries. There are plenty of good local entertainment and eating options too.

As your children get to the teen years, weekends are mainly about their sporting and social commitments.They won't want to go on days out like they do now. They will want to be as independent as possible.

I would say rent out your current house and rent a home counties house to see if you could make the change. Maybe a year out might change your husband's mind too. I'd advise going for a market town, not deepest countryside. Nothing worse than constantly driving teens around.

Very true!

I think it’s dreadful that you’re happy to accept that your happiness in life is being provided by someone for whom that effort is making them hate their own.

Do you not care about his welfare, or is it all about you?

I used to know a lot of women like this and I think it’s so selfish. If you want that lifestyle, contribute towards it! If working harder means you like your life less then welcome to his world!

Being a women ≠ being able to force someone else to fund your chosen lifestyle.

My thought too

OP could also have been answering her own question?

OP has also clarified that she does work, just doesn't earn as much.

If you can't fund your lifestyle, you can't have it. Compromise. Downsize to outer London.

If he's stressed and burnt out he'd be better avoiding getting in to farming.

So, you want your husband to continue hammering himself with a job he doesn't want to do anymore simply to fund your lifestyle? Right. What concessions are you willing to make if your husband continues as he is?

Sit down and look at the figures.
You cannot cash in private pensions til 55 so how many years til then? What amount is needed to live off?
If dh is about to crash and burn then lots to consider
What sick pay does he get if he has a mh crisis?

The three hour walks x 2 on weekends is that a new thing? Has he seen a life coach or therapist?

Has he seen a life coach or therapist?

He probably can’t afford to on top of everything else!

Assuming you aren’t just on a bored wind-up - how much is your house worth that you could sell it, buy a house mortgage-free in another part of the U.K (your salary won’t be enough for a mortgage and zoo keeper jobs are hard to come by in the English countryside, not to mention badly paid) and live on the capitol for 40 odd years, including paying for school and uni fees and potentially have a ‘small farm’.

You and your DH seems to have being divorced from reality in common, at least.

Apologies to Mark Twain @Butchyrestingface

I'm willing to bet she sounded better saying it though. Woman has a tone...

I think I'd be doing an audit on our finances as a starter.

• what's his pension like, is early retirement an option now/soon?
• could he reduce his hours to get a better work/life balance?
• could you increase your income to offset the above?
• is retraining or qualifications an option for you/him to move roles?
• can you reduce your private education costs?
• can you downsize your home but remain in London?
• could you move a little further out but still be within the LU zones?

Would taking some time off immediately help? Is he so unwell that he needs signing off by the GP? Could you afford some decent career switching advice for him, someone who specialises in transferable skills and could suggest areas that might be a good fit for him that are outside his current area? Would people in his work network be of help in suggesting areas of work for him to consider?

Is he your husband or your ATM?

He's not just a money making machine or is thst all you care about?

He sounds like someone who is burnt out and needs a change? Surely his mental health and happiness matter just as much as your.

Have you actually discussed this with him? Have you proposed any compromises? Have your yourself done anything to help?

If you aren't the one contributing to the lifestyle, then you aren't the one who should dictate it.

I think you can argue that you should not move until they finished school. I don't think children should be moved unless absolutely necessary.

I went to 8 schools. Never did me any harm. Made me flexible if anything.

I sold my business when I was 54. I carried on working in the business for a couple of days a week, and now work just one day a week. We lived off the profit from the sale, it paid for the remaining school fees and allowed us to become debt free. Last year I took my pension 10 mnths early so with what I earn, and my pension, my income is now back at pre sale of business level. In fact it is more.
We sold a second home because we saw the writing on the wall.
We now have a big cushion of savings, we’ve halved our living costs and neither DH nor I need to work.

But, in 2021 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, 6 months later DH had a stroke and last week I lost my little sister ( 56).

You have no idea what is in store. Given the opportunity I would always recommend slowing down if you can. If your DH wants to change direction, the decision will not have been taken lightly. If it’s not for you maybe now is the time to part company before you both become bitter and resentful. Forcing your DH to continue in a job he hates because you like an expensive lifestyle is pretty selfish.

If he's that unhappy and stressed he'll end up with a heart attack, burnout or other health condition soon. Far better if he stops on his own terms. One way or another his body will make the decision for him otherwise.

Same.

You don't seem to have taken on board that your husband is clearly struggling. It's all about the effect on you and your lifestyle. The man sounds like he's on the edge and you're wittering about being close to art galleries.