To ask DH to continue to work

OP YABVVU to insist on keeping this very expensive lifestyle that you're barely contributing to. I know very few people of your age with everything, unless they have inherited wealth or two high earners. Big house near Central London, multiple children in private school AND the disposable income for constant shopping , theatre and concerts.
There's usually a compromise on at least one of these things.

Your husband sounds like he's on the brink of burnout which if it happens will 100% lead to you losing everything. Never mind the fact that if you really loved him. You wouldn't put his happiness over 'lifestyle'.

Poor guy.

If he's stressed you might want to think about life as a young widow without the income he brings.

oh come off it

he will have life assurance and polices up to his eyeballs

she will be sorted

All the finances in the world can't shield her children from the pain of bereavement

indeed

but that wasn’t the pp’s point

Typical…Nearly all men at my work are in this situation. The wives are oblivious and persuade them not to give up work! These guys are not in a good mental state. I wouldn't say I like it when women say - oh, I make so little compared to my husband…. Now, you find yourself in a situation where your husband imposes his choices on you. Go and get yourself a good-paying job. If you want to stay in London, go and work/retrain so that not everything falls on your husband. Why do women still keep on doing this? I chose to study hard, work hard in London and make considerably more money than my husband. Why do you put yourself in a situation where you depend on a man?!

Honestly you both sound unreasonable.
His plan sounds half baked and unrealistic.
Moving to the countryside with kids about to become teenagers can be a terrible idea.
Otoh, you can't just let him burn out.
There has to be a middle ground between an expensive bit of London and private school, and some remote farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

This. You can;t expect your husband to carry on at this pace to fund your extremely privileged lifestyle.
I totally appreciate the hard work associated with caring for children but have you considered working FT (if u don't already) to share the financial burden.
I totally understand not wanting to move but compromise is the key here. Downsize ?
Hope it all works out

Agreed.

I took a career change that halved my income recently. I knew I was heading to a heart attack if I didn't.

DH supported me whole heartedly. But then we have alternated being higher earners and neither depend on the other for their lifestyle. We made sure our outgoings meant we could live on much lower salaries if needed

And pay for bills/all outgoings and multiple private school fees for decades without your husband needing to work?!

I thought this. Even assuming your London house is worth 2 million plus and you only have 2 kids, I dont see how the figures stack up for a couple in their 40s. Kids not yet in secondary. 2 x secondary private is around 200K per kid (secondary is 7 years, assuming 25k per year, not taking into account the extra incoming 14/15% VAT increase and future rises, 25K x 7 = £175K plus uniform, trips etc at least 200K per kid). So thats 400K for school fees. Assuming both go to unis and get full tuition loans, means tested minimum maintenance loans on your income/assets means you will still have to provide say 10K per kid per year could be 4y courses so that 80K for uni. Learning to drive, both will need a car if you're out in the country, so thats lets say another 50K. House in the country to meet yiur standards, depends where it is but will be, what, at least 650K, more if southeast. Existing debts to pay off. That's 1.5 mill ish gone already. Maybe your house is worth 3 million. Is 1.5 million enough to live on for thenext 40 years potentially for a cpuple that like theatre, restaurants, art galleries? 2 mill house its 500K left which will all go on school fees and uni. Ok pensions, investments, maybe its doable if your house is worth millions, but still got a lot of life and paying for expensive teens to go. Has he definitely thought the figures through?

What debts do you have??

So what happens if he decides to quit and get a divorce? Is it likely both you and him will have to live outside London.

You are in a difficult position because you are relying on someone else for your finances and lifestyle. And while many think they can rely on their husbands, that’s only true until it’s not.

A compromise needs to be reached. Divorce might sound dramatic but if he is really unhappy that’s where it could head and it’s always best to plan for the worst.

Maybe, I assume so. But it does not take away from the fact that, well, he might die.

Of course you are not unreasonable. You are still young, have quite young children and enjoy all that London has to offer. Your husband may yearn for the country life, people often do, but the reality does not alwaysl ive up to expectations. I've known some people who have done that and wish they hadn't.

Does your husband even know what sort of job he would do in the country, or does his firm have several branches?

Never mind that husband earns a lot more than you, that should not give him the upper hand in marriage. You do earn and contribute, would you be able to find a suitable job, there are endless questions.

You could, if you could afford it, buy a small place, maybe a flat, somewhere desirable in the country and spend long weekends and holidays there, I think it is still possible to get a buy-to-let mortgage and you don't have to let (though you could let sometimes during holiday periods). If you don't like it after a while or don't use it enough, you can sell. That's just a thought.

Stick to your guns. You're a partnership and your life sounds pretty good as it is.
If your husband finds his current occupation too stressful, encourage him to look for something else. If he is well qualified and experienced he's young enough to have a change of career.

There's a big difference between London and the countryside, can't you find a cheaper town on the outskirts?

Although I know, for example, that places like St Albans are potentially even more expensive than London. You could consider places like Guildford and Canterbury though, depending on how often he would need to commute into London.

Edited: it's also a really bad idea to retire to the countryside. Much better to stay somewhere with easy access to healthcare and public transport.

I think your husband sounds really unhappy and in danger of burning out completely, and I think youre being incredibly selfish.

We've been looking at what we could buy in the country if we sell our house in south London and I've been really shocked by just how much of a difference there is in house prices and how comfortably we could live if we move. But downsizing in London and buying a country cottage won't release enough money to help your husband to be able to retire. You've presumably lived a very comfortable life in the area and house thst you want to for a number of years while your husband has supported you , and now it's time for your husband to live the life that he wants and to reduce some of his stress. You could live very comfortably if you moved out of London, and save even more if you didn't spend a fortune on private school fees.

Whats the point of having 2 houses close together? How would that be the lifesytle chnage he needs? You and the kids living in a house in London, kids at school in London, him in a house in the countryside? Might as well get divorced.

Wouldn't a larger house in commuter town and flat in London for weekends be better?

Yeah, stuff what the unhappy chap paying all the bills thinks, he should just keep slogging in a job he hates as long as the OP’s life is good 🙄.

He must have a very stressful job if he already wants to move to the country in his 40s; having to support you, your wonderful lifestyle in London and 2 kids in private education.

Time for you to improve your earning prospects and help him. YABU and quite selfish

To ask DH to continue to work
I don’t.

This post demonstrates why asking advice from random strangers online is a very dangerous thing.

You are really taking the piss now. You can’t manage on one house?

well sure

but op doesn’t sound like she gives two figs about his happiness anyway

Why do you need two houses, OP? And how will you attain the financials for this? Most importantly, is DH agreeable?