Daughter with ROGD - issues with school

[Hoggirl765]

My daughter presents with ROGD. Her school is going forward with affirming this by way of calling her by her boys name and male pronouns. That's all so far. This despite our repeated requests to step back and watch and wait - to go at our pace as a family (basically back off). She has had a lot of emotional upheaval in her short life and has always found it hard to fit in. We have found a wonderful counsellor and that's all we're prepared to do at present. She is just 14 and at present is very enthusiastic and keyed into her school work and in general seems happy. No self harm etc. The school have caused us as a family so much unnecessary stress and then said that's it you'll have to wait til September now. If it wasn't for the excellent teaching we would be moving her. Has anyone else has experiences with unsupportive, insensitive or unsympathetic schools?

I don’t understand why a school would do this when the vast majority of children desist. They make it harder, by enforcing male pronouns and names etc. It is embarrassing then to turn back. Schools should just step back, and treat all children as the sex they are. Madness to do anything else.
I don’t have any good advice I’m afraid, I’m sure you’ve looked at transgendertrend etc. I would consider changing school but appreciate that is more upheaval for your daughter.

Has your daughter asked them to affirm her but you are asking them not to OP? Just trying to understand whether the school are caught 'between a rock and a hard place' in terms of a child's wishes vs parental wishes OR whether the school have had the 'trans training' from one of the lobby groups and are rolling it out unthinkingly?

Please be aware that ROGD has no scientific basis. Your child has made the brave decision to come out to you and the school, after a period of soul searching. Appreciate the fact that your child came out to you as this is a clear sign that they trust you. The most appropriate action is to respect your child and let them explore who they are. They may or may not be trans, but getting the right support can help them to work through this.

Being born on the wrong body has no scientific basis.

Do you believe humans can change sex, butterfly?

I'm no expert but I think I'd be seeking a meeting with the school and asking where they're getting their information on the issue. If Mermaids has done a number on them, you could give the school alternative information. It seems important to find out what the school sees as its place in this.

How do you explain the explosion in teenage girls suddenly identifying as trans, butterfly?

That's a good idea Prawn. OP - have you seen the Transgender Trend guide for schools? Could you share that with her school?

I understand that this can be a stressful time, but please ignore the negative comments. Mermaids are an excellent charity and simply provide information to help both parents and children. The Transgender Trend guide, on the other hand, recommends approaches which effectively involve invalidating your child and telling them that they are wrong. Of course, it's your choice, I am only trying to be helpful.

i am only trying to be helpful

So is everyone else

I think you need to speak to the school. As her parent, you are entitled to say how you would wish them them to handle this. Obviously it's a hugely upsetting and anxious situtation for you and your child.

Schools are also under a lot of pressure at the moment too. Ask for a meeting to discuss and perhaps take the Transgender pack with you and talk through it with them in order to come up with an action plan. It might be an idea to ask to have the school's child psychologist to attend the meeting. Take notes and send them an email summarising the main points and actions of the meeting.

Read about the subject as much as you can and I'm sure the women on here will be happy to support you in any way they can.

to you both. All the very best x

Hmm... "Invalidating your child" versus "put them on a medicalised pathway to osteoporosis, irreversible physical changes and sterility when left to their own devices there's an 80% chance they'll desist.". Bit of a no-brainer if you ask me.

OP, a watch and wait approach seems entirely sensible to me. Would it be worth googling some of Dr Carmichael's articles where she explains that in most cases the Tavistock Clinic's approach is also "watch and wait"; only in a minority of cases do they recommend blockers and cross sex hormones? If you took them into the school at the beginning of next term, I don't think they could accuse the director of the Tavistock as coming at this with some kind of anti-trans agenda (an accusation often unfairly directed at Transgender Trend: I don't think they are, I think they're pro-child - but you want your sources to be beyond criticism in dealing with a school who sound like they've already been indoctrinated).

Exactly what isuppose said

I hope you have a wonderful, relaxed summer holiday together with plenty of opportunities to just enjoy each other’s company. Whatever happens in future, whether that’s full adult transition or desistance, will be easier for both of you with lots of respect, love and trust. Try and forget about school for now - perhaps you could compromise with a neutral nickname or by using just the initial letter of your child’s birth name or their chosen name?

There are a couple of posters on here who are around your child’s age, ‘TruscumTeen’ who is 16 and FTM and ‘Bloodmagic’ who is a GC teenager (18? If I recall correctly) with a really good understanding of how this is currently playing out amongst her peers. I would recommend keeping an eye out for their posts, they are both very eloquent and reflective.

(As well as a number of parents of teens who are currently questioning their own gender identity).

I’ve suggested a thread like the ‘transwidows’ ones purely for the parents of gender questioning and trans teenagers (one that the MNHQ staff keep a particular type of eye on, allowing for peer support without interference) but as yet that hasn’t happened. It’s not my place to start one, personally, although I do pay particular interest to this subject as I have a middle (step)daughter who ticks all the tumblr boxes to be vulnerable in future - she’s not yet 12.

Mermaids is a lobbying group led by a woman who has given public lectures about arranging for her child to have SRS on their 16th birthday. Sums up the ethos.

The mother of a gender questioning child posted here on FWR for some time. She left Mermaids because other parents spent the meetings swapping tips about getting prescriptions online or from private doctors. She wanted to avoid medication if at all possible.

After she left they pursued her, with the message that if she didn't do as they advised her DC might commit suicide and it would be all the mum's fault.

A very dodgy bunch, who are pressing for more and earlier meds for gender questioning children when the NHS advises watch and wait.

The recommended approach is watch and wait. As the OP correctly intends to do. Whilst simultaneously seeking help for her DD's underlying issues.

What could possibly be concerning about a supportive family taking the approach specifically recommended by experts? And questioning the school's inappropriate pushiness?

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/schools-rushing-on-whisper-to-label-pupils-as-transgender-0d8zm53qs

Just seen this on Twitter. I just don't understand how we've got to this place as quickly as we have. If your daughter was suffering from anorexia or if she had a delusion arising from a diagnosed mental condition like schizophrenia, nobody would be saying 'Oh yes, you're right, you really are too fat, we must stop feeding you' or 'Of course you can fly! I'll open the window for you'. But if your child says the magic words and denies the material reality of their body, no matter how much trauma they've been through, no matter what other conditions have been diagnosed, trans trumps everything. I don't understand why.

Lily Maynard on Twitter is asking for information from parents of ROGD children. See tweet attached.

There is a parental support forum for parents who are not on board with affirmation only approaches for their gender questioning teens and tweens. You may find some advice about schools in there:

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/showthread.php?tid=217

(I'm not a member.)

You and the school need to be approaching this is the same way. You definitely need to seek a meeting with them. Very hard now that the schools have broken up. It is important that they are not at odds with you in their approach.

This is a really good article by Lisa Marchiano, who is a psychotherapist. I've read stuff from her before. She is very measured.

quillette.com/2018/07/20/trans-activisms-dangerous-myth-of-parental-rejection/

Ffs, Butterfly!! ROGD has no scientific basis, but the idea that you can change sex has?
Give over with your nonsense.

Difficult as it is with a 14 yr old I would really try to be aware of who she is talking to on social media-there are some crazy people out there promising to be a ‘new family’ etc. Try & remind yr DD that puberty is a time of confusion & questioning how they fit into society, sexual orientation etc & that most people find it a tough time but ultimately she has a beautiful healthy body that she doesn’t need to change. Can she chat to any older lesbians? Try & counter balance the pro trans narrative she will be receiving on line & I imagine from her peers in school. Remind her that Children’s brains are developing & growing, so we protect them by not allowing them to drink alacahol or drive etc, she really is too young to be deciding she is trans. Open communication with her is vital & it’s brilliant you have found a good counsellor to help you navigate the way forward. Good luck

As little social media, and internet time as you can possibly manage over the summer as well. Lots of 1:1 time, positive activities (take her rock climbing/swimming/whatever she’s into.)