Daughter with ROGD - issues with school

[Hoggirl765]

My daughter presents with ROGD. Her school is going forward with affirming this by way of calling her by her boys name and male pronouns. That's all so far. This despite our repeated requests to step back and watch and wait - to go at our pace as a family (basically back off). She has had a lot of emotional upheaval in her short life and has always found it hard to fit in. We have found a wonderful counsellor and that's all we're prepared to do at present. She is just 14 and at present is very enthusiastic and keyed into her school work and in general seems happy. No self harm etc. The school have caused us as a family so much unnecessary stress and then said that's it you'll have to wait til September now. If it wasn't for the excellent teaching we would be moving her. Has anyone else has experiences with unsupportive, insensitive or unsympathetic schools?

Truth, I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you and I say hurt you because I absolutely detest the politically correct ‘offend you’.

I’m really interested in what you have to say and I’m glad people here are challenging the likes of Snappity. But to be honest you do come across as rather hysterical at times and rather than make me and perhaps others read on it’s only made me scroll through to the next post. I get what you’re saying but I think it could be better said.

I understand your living with heartbreak, that much is clear even though I don’t know your story in detail, but having also lived with heartbreak and at times expressed it the way you have I know it can be counter productive.

Again, I’m very sorry for hurting you and I wish you nothing but peace of heart and mind.

TimesLady. Thank you.
It is now morning and I hope the OP hasn’t be scared off. This is not my intention. I hope the OP realise how fraught this is. I could have lied and said it’s Ok and don’t worry. Sadly we are on a situation where fantasy is realty. I hate knowing that some other parent is going through what I am. If the parent is happy to affirm my words are meaningless. If I can do a little to let others know my truth I have done my bit. There are always 2 sides to a debate. My side is err on the side of caution. This has helped me immensely throughout my life. I hope other parents here who are faced with this will see that there may well be a psychological issue behind this or a
Contagious issue. It really isn’t that difficult to grasp when you are older. It’s bed time for me.
Snappity. Speak out. You are good at this. When you get someone else to challenge me I know I have done my job. I win. Goodnight

Hysterical my arse. Obviously you have no idea

Hysterical my arse. Obviously you have no idea

As you wish

this post seems to have gotten away from offering support to the Op and that is sad. some of the posts are really helpful advice and some are not so. doing anything that forcefully restricts young people like no Internet access or no firends will never have the effect parents think it will they will always find away round it and it will only serve to enforce to them that they can not talk to you about things because when they do you react negatively towards them. rationing things with clear rationale is the way to give young people ownership of something. as a lot of posters have said these thoughts can be very intense in the beginning as young people will often think they have found the solution to all there issues. it takes time for them. to realise that this is not the answer to everything and that even if they are trans they will. Still have lots of the same issues, if as some posters have said the young person does not see it as a big deal then it's not a big deal so there is no need for a big reaction to it. I have had a lot of young people say that blockers are the thing they need and are frustrated that they can not just get them. young people do expect things to just happen intently. on. the whole given modern social media and that anything can be got straight away. when you actually sit down with them and go through the reasons that can not just happen then they are usually understanding of that, you can then also. look at the alternative things they can do that allow them to express themselves. this may lead them to other definitions of who they are, but you have to be prepared for if your child consistently returns to this that they may need support in exploring it. when I have talked to parents and young people expecially older ones we have often talked about competing needs like exams and university and that any transition as to fit into all these things so needs to be a to be at a pace that allows them to also focus on these things, and that if this is who they are then it will still be there and can still be addressed.

on misgendering in this thread both can be correct as we don't know the young person's views on this unless the poster says they want me to use male pronouns at home and I just don't which I don't think they did then we could just use they and them. again I have talked to a lot of young people who just expect families to get it and get frustrated when they don't or get it wrong and we usually talk about how long they have been thinking about this, which in truth is usually a lot longer than a month and how long it took them to understand it and that maybe mum and dad need that time too and that they may always get it wrong.

Not everyone who is trans on here is the same or holds the same views just as people who are gender critical are not all the same so I hope we can get back to offering support to someone.

The right to personal integrity and identity is an human right. The OP's child is entitled to that too. That is the point about human rights - we do not get to choose who has them and who doesn't.

The OP's child is used to that respect and affirmation from school. We know that. Taking that away over summer is something that worries me. I can't see why more people aren't worried about that.

This is what the Royal College of Psychiatrists says

“The College believes that a watch and wait policy, which does not place any pressure on children to live or behave in accordance with their sex assigned at birth or to move rapidly to gender transition, may be an appropriate course of action when young people first present.”

When we have a child who is expressing a male gender identity at school, if that child isn't allowed to express that gender identity or is publicly gendered contrary to that gender identity that is placing pressure on the child to live or behave in the gender assigned at birth and is therefore directly contrary to the Royal College of Psychiatrists policy of watch and wait. It is unbelievable that I am being attacked for promoting watch and wait as it is defined by the Royal College of Psychiatrists.. Watch and wait does not and cannot mean doing nothing. I understand that it doesn't mean pushing a child but if a child expresses a trans identity it should be accepted. That's the professional position.

Maybe some people weren't aware and will now accept that they have given the OP the wrong advice. www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mediacentre/pressreleases2018/transgenderpositionstatement.aspx?theme=mobile

Hattie.
How can you be interested in what I say yet scroll on past my post?
Actually don’t get this.
Now if you are only interested in your view I get it it. This is not about you though. This is a parent who has a child who is identifying as trans. I reckon I am on a better position to comment. Even if the OP disagrees at least we have the same common ground. If you don’t want to hear my voice feel free to scroll past me. But unless you have a child that is trans give me the courtesy to listen to my voice. My voice is valid whether you agree or disagree. It is real and heartfelt. It is not hysterical. You can tell I reject that word. The only time I have heard this being used is from a man. Are you a man?

The thing is, it’s not just about the school supporting the child to cut their hair short and change to an androgynous version of their given name. If that was the case, then all the pro-acceptance arguments would make complete sense.

But what’s actually at stake is whether or not it’s acceptable for the school to actively collude, against the parents’ expressed wishes, with pushing a child into a pathway of life-long medicalisation, with unknown long-term implications for their physical and mental health.

Truth will win, thank you for your posts. Having a child identify as transgender in the current climate is extremely hard to cope with. I have cried more in the last two years than many people in a lifetime. I hope you are getting some support too.

Most parents want to protect their children from harm. Being told you are bigoted and risking your child's suicide if you do not support something which every fibre of your being knows is not the answer to your child's problems and may well lead to being surgically altered and medicated for life, is profoundly and uniquely distressing.

I also know that if my child had been born 5 years earlier or 5 years later she would not now be trans. You can quote me on that.

Snappity. I could counter attack your agenda. However, I realise that you need to win. Nothing I or others will say will stop you from getting the last word.
This is my last word to you however

I am a parent. Don’t participate if you are not.

This thread is really disturbing.

The fervour that some posters have to push their agendas now that it’s not theoretical and there is a real child involved.

“Affirm them or you are a danger to your own child!”
“Don’t stop them going on the Internet!”

Creepy as fuck.

Op I can't really advise but

You sound like a great parent.

The school have totally undermined you and I would find it very hard to ever trust them again.

snappity no one is misgendering the child, as we are all talking under pseudonyms-we are trying to support the OP whose main concern right now is how quickly the school is rushing into using male pronouns, rather than using a balanced approach. This is a support forum for Mums-if you haven’t anything constructive to say then stop posting yr vile poison & go away

What ever happened to supporting their child? We should be listening to what our children want to do and make our decisions based off that. It's not hard really. If you have a trans child then support them, if they decide to transition and then detranstion, then support them, if it's a phase (we've all had them), then support them. My eldest wanted to change her name to a boys one, dressed as boy and so on, after a few months she decided she didn't want to. Guess what I did? Supported her in every way I could because I wanted her to be happy. She may transition again in the future when the time is right for her (she uses female pronouns). We should all be supporting our children not challenging them, taking away their Internet and banning them from friends. If you do that, that's abuse I'm afraid.

LemonJello

you can stop them going on the internet at home but they will go to friends and go. on. they will use there phone and go on. they will do it without you knowing my advise is always to do it with them or. the alternative is that you stop them not going out or seeing there firends. I alway ls find it better if a young person can do something with you so you can guide them then hide it and be unguided through this don't you.

What ever happened to supporting their child? We should be listening to what our children want to do and make our decisions based off that.

can not say this enough

We should be listening to what our children want to do and make our decisions based off that.

Yeah, but you forgot the other half of that which is also to protect children from the consequences of decisions they aren't yet mature enough to understand.

I see that the other Snappity is posting now. The one with the links and the evidence

Wishing you all strength, who are dealing with this

LemonJello.
There are real kids involved. This is why I am posting. This is not a game and our kids are not pawns. I realise some of you won’t understand but if I don’t speak out you may think that this is actually ok. This might be your child or grandchild. Remember when parents said I would never let my kids do this or I’m ok if my child does this and then they did it. Were you on board ? It’s easy to say what you would do when it hasn’t hit you.
For the OP. I hope you can work this out. Whatever you decide is your prerogative. I just want you to know that there are plenty parents who disagree with the trans narrative and if you disagree you are no way abusive. If you do agree that ok too. As long as you as a family can cope. I disagree. I’m allowed to feel this way too. I think you have 2 options.
If you affirm Metmaids is probably the best place for you as they will tell you u are right etc.
If you are questioning the th Gender Criticsl Support board helps you see a different perspective I am obviously gender critical so my view will not help if you feel the need to affirm
I hope you can find a resolution

What ever happened to supporting their child? We should be listening to what our children want to do and make our decisions based off

And the clear indication in this case from the OP is that where the child can freely express a choice at school, he is seeking a male identity at present. That should be respected. It would be wrong to promote anything medical unless the child himself asked for it, but it is equally wrong to disrespect that male identity. The child leads the way. That's watch and wait that usually everyone on FWR claims to support and the question is why, on this thread, are so many posters suggesting something other than watch and wait? I am worried that some people might have come to believe that watch and wait means doing nothing until 16 or 18 and ignoring any trans identity a child declares ie all the emphasis on "wait". But if a child wants to experiment with a male or female identity, watch and wait says that should be accommodated - "watch" is the other limb of watch and wait and is just as important as the wait.

When I was a teenager I wanted to take lots of recreational chemicals. My parents did not say "of course, darling, let's go buy you some cocaine together". As an older teen their ability to prevent me from pursuing said chemicals was of course more limited than it would have been for a younger child, but I really don't see any way in which positive affirmation would have been in my best interests, or in which withholding it could be considered abusive.

Also any worried parents feeling a moment of panic as a result of skimming Snappity's latest comment - don't worry, if you read closely it becomes clear that as is often the case the citation provided does not actually say what the person citing it wants you to think that it does.

Whether the person in question is simply incapable of interpreting anything cogently or deliberately distorting the truth I'm not sure matters at this point - their behavior towards parents concerned for their children on this forum is completely unacceptable, and I believe that their ability to post here should be removed for that reason. Mumsnet should not be functioning as a space where mothers who create threads asking for help are bullied and threatened.

Truthwillwin I don't think you are 'hysterical.'

I think you're coming from a place of extreme worry and concern about your child. Witnessing someone here being so determined to trans other children must be gut-wrenching for you. I think it's pretty powerful seeing your response to that because it shows that society is getting this issue very wrong right now (affirming vulnerable children who are at worst being groomed and pushing them down a path towards being physically mutilated) You clearly feel pretty out of control and scared. I would too - I don't have children but I can still say that.

I would just say that Snappity has distressed a lot of people here and to be blunt it's dismaying she is still welcome here to upset more people. There really isn't much point engaging with her because due to her real life set up she isn't going to be anything other than rigid in her views. These include the fact that transwomen are infertile women (even when they've fathered children) btw.

I hope you get there with your child and they fully desist before too long.

The right to personal integrity and identity is an human right. The OP's child is entitled to that too. That is the point about human rights - we do not get to choose who has them and who doesn't.

Human rights do not extend to forcing everyone to participate in a mass delusion. That is ludicrous.

If you believe you are a dinosaur, I am not trampling on your rights or denying them by refusing to acknowledge that. If you believe you are a dinosaur and you have a right to go around eating children, I have every bloody right to draw a boundary and say 'no fucking way.'

Firstly, for Truthwillwin. I hear your anguish. You go ahead and post how you feel. We understand. We hear you.

Secondly, for the OP too and I hope you haven't withdrawn from the thread although I'd understand if you have.

Thirdly, this thread is an absolute disgrace. The OP has posted with a specific support/advice request. She has a child presenting with ROGD. She has researched. She has found a suitable therapist for her child. She has made a care plan. She is monitoring her child's welfare. She is clearly a loving and responsible parent.

All she wants is advice or experience from other parents whose child is at a school that refuses to cooperate with the care plan established by a loving and responsible parent.

It is disgraceful to accuse her of being a safeguarding risk. The safeguarding risk here is the school, which is refusing to act on Working Together To Safeguard Children principles. The school should be working with the child's parents and therapist as a team. That is what safeguarding is. That is what all the safeguarding threads hereabout have been about. Shame on anyone trying to subvert safeguarding practices and shame on anyone DARVOing this mother.

So if anybody has advice about how to deal with a school that refuses to work with a parent with a care plan and a therapist for their child, please post it. Everyone else: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

OP, please don't be put off posting by all the thinly veiled threats and attempts to shame you into compliance. You know what's best for your child because you're the one who knows your child best. If you need to talk things through we're here listening. It would be great if it was possible to block commenters who're actively unhelpful, but since it isn't maybe giving the scroll button a good workout is the best solution for now.