Daughter with ROGD - issues with school

[Hoggirl765]

My daughter presents with ROGD. Her school is going forward with affirming this by way of calling her by her boys name and male pronouns. That's all so far. This despite our repeated requests to step back and watch and wait - to go at our pace as a family (basically back off). She has had a lot of emotional upheaval in her short life and has always found it hard to fit in. We have found a wonderful counsellor and that's all we're prepared to do at present. She is just 14 and at present is very enthusiastic and keyed into her school work and in general seems happy. No self harm etc. The school have caused us as a family so much unnecessary stress and then said that's it you'll have to wait til September now. If it wasn't for the excellent teaching we would be moving her. Has anyone else has experiences with unsupportive, insensitive or unsympathetic schools?

Snappity please could you link to some peer reviewed articles which show that affirmation is positive and helpful as opposed to watching and waiting? You repeatedly state (as do others) that affirmation is necessary for wellbeing but where is the evidence base behind this?

OP watchful waiting is the scientifically recommended course of action. 80% of girls who identify as trans grown out of this once puberty is complete. Don’t be worried by the hyped up and false suicide stats either though do keep an eye on her mental health. The best thing is to get her off the internet and away from all the grooming on here.

Op the other thing to be alert to is sexuality. Young people who begin to think they may be gay sometimes reflect on assumptions their parents make about how their lives will pan out and assume they will be disappointed if they come out as gay. Another thing I did with my dd was to ask what her friends say about homosexuality (turns out she was being exposed to homophobia and I wasn't aware), seek out some lesbian role models and start to drop in "if you get married, do you think your husband or wife will..."

I think if a child feels unsafe in his or her home because of use of she instead of he is this really a safeguarding issue in relation to the parent or an issue concerning the childs mental health which might be the cause of their gender dysphoria. Colluding with this could actually reinforce the childs belief they are trans. Again op think about what is trans anyway, in girls it seems to be confusion or rejection over lesbianism or stereotyped femininity, what it most defintely isnt is a female or male brain in the opposite sex body. Posters like snappity only have a trans agenda to push so best to ignore. There are plenty of trans posters who will give a more balanced and honest viewpoint

watchful waiting does not mean do nothing and offer no support if the young person requests people use preferred pronouns then by doing so you are providing them a safe environment to see. if that fits who they are if it's not then they will soon drop them. always doing this while having a open and honest discussion around there request for this and how they see it and how they feel about it. I genuinely agree that other possibilities can be discussed with young people and I feel that is a good thing if approached in a way that is not. telling the young person that there is a right answer to this but that it may be wider then they have considered and that as a family that you can about this openly.

This isn't aimed at you op but there is so much we can do to support our children's own unique identity without enforcing gender stereotypes. Let them see themselves as unique through our eyes of love and unconditional acceptance. Let them establish their interests and know they are good by the interest we take in them. Let them play with different styles of clothing and receive our support for their choices. Let them know that there are many different ways to do life and the best way is to do it with love and to be outward looking.

"Who they are"

Male or female is not "Who they are" I am not a female stereotype. My dd is not a male stereotype. She is Alex. Alex is unique. Neither male or female will ever define her.

also this is not a safeguarding issue around the family, though I do hope that you are all able to work through this together. Also there are other parents groups out there but they do tend to be very local but when I have spoken at them they have tended to represent all views and have supported and questioned things. I have only ever. meet one parent who already had an agenda and was not willing to listen to others experiances or that of there own child, so I hope that is a rare occurance.

Your child is your child, the same child you've always known. Total strangers who claim to know your child better than you do despite never having interacted with the child in any way should be viewed with extreme caution. That is safeguarding.

Neither male or female will ever define her.

That is totally true for all of us I feel, and is a very good thing for young people to learn. I totally agree Sarah. gender is only a part of a young person's identity and does not define who they are solely we have to let. them develop independently in all aspects of there lives with support and guidance.

tbh I think this is bloody good advise for all young people

As little social media, and internet time as you can possibly manage over the summer as well. Lots of 1:1 time, positive activities (take her rock climbing/swimming/whatever she’s into.)

Fantastic there are 6 weeks now before this school gets an input.

No Internet none. If necessary use your 4G and don't give her the password.

Go to your parents/sisters by rotation. No contact with friends.

By all means allow contact with young people. But something is wrong.

Keep busy with activities that allow nonstandard gender expression. Find girls tai kwondo groups, girls rugby, girls physics.

Watch films about proper female lesbians and discuss

snappity where have you gone? Care to back up your viewpoint?
We have a group of honest caring individuals here & you are you are so transparent we all see through you....
There are honest transsexuals who post on MN whose views are respected, am not so sure where yr coming from....

The problem is the school railroading the child, fer crying out loud.
The parents are doing the right thing.
The school is not.
What recourse do parents have when a school teacher tells the parent that their child is transgender and they must affirm it or they will be turned over to child services? I am reminded of the little boy who drew themselves in a basketball jersey complete with number of his favorite player.
It is the teachers and administrators that need to be investigated by child protection services.

Just to be clear, the teacher thought the basketball jersey was a dress and put the parents and child throught hell over their mistake.

Hope OP that you have found some of this helpful? Some of the links will take you to communities of parents struggling with this. The advice about restricting the internet is very wise as is the suggestion to do as much as is possible with your child during the summer.
Ensuring that she sees herself as a multi faceted person with interests, passions, hobbies, an important member of the family etc. One of the saddest aspects of this explosion in young people 'adopting' this lifestyle (apart from the damage to their bodies) is that this issue becomes their reason for being. They become known and "celebrated" for being trans - not for being a team player, a singer, a best friend, a swimmer, a prefect, brilliant at Maths, a loved big sister etc etc. Keeping her rooted in her family, her friends and her community will give her support as she navigates her way through these issues.

Sometimes, TRA posters just make me sigh and roll my eyes. Other times, their posts just have me spitting feathers at the nasty insinuations and accusations. To come on a thread from a concerned parent and attempt to throw around veiled threats if the parent doesn't acquiesce to the TRA machine is truly, truly despicable.

OP, I've said before, just keep those lines of communication open. Affirm her personality, keep being very clear that there is nothing wrong with her changing body, make sure she knows you are her strongest advocate. And yes, tbh, a dead internet connection won't hurt at all.

OP - I hope you've found at least some helpful advice here. Do check out the forum I mentioned earlier upthread. I think it very likely some of the parents there will have advice about how to deal with things if the school will not work with you and your care plan for your child.

You've found a suitable therapist; you've researched the issue; you're monitoring welfare. You sound like a wonderful parent to me.

And clearly the school have no safeguarding concerns about you otherwise they would have made a referral themselves. This is glaringly obvious.

Hoggirl765 please read the web site transgendertrend.com

and give this a listen:

Snappity is probably off frothing at Tavistock for their transphobic bigotry.

OP I am going through this with an older child. You've had excellent advice in the main, esp SarahCarer's. It was too late for me to stop internet access, but that would be my number one priority (maybe it could just "stop working"much like what happened to the TV one summer when I was a child).
Then lots of love and attention on everything about your child unrelated to gender. It is easy to avoid pronouns altogether if that might help.
definitely look at addressing any underlying issues. - anxiety etc, and consider ASD (often missed in girls as they mask their difficulties).

Look at the GIDS website - there's good advice there for parents and for professionals if you need it.
And go back to school in September armed with all your research.

Also is she sporty at all? If she is then sports would be a great way of grounding her in her body and might help to counter whatever tendency towards dissociation from the body is happening. It may help remind her that her body is a tool that helps her do things and not a decorative object, if the latter societal idea is contributing to her distress.

OP - I really do sympathise. We are in a similar situation. My DD15 went thru' a particularly difficult illness experience and afterwards suddenly said she was boy at age 14. School endorsed this and said I should be calling her by her boy name at home. I got called in and was pretty much told I was an awful parent if I didn't !. Although she identifies as trans in school, she doesn't at home or anywhere else.
I am angry because the school only sees what presents in school. They are unaware (in the main) of what she has gone through. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I have been advised by her psychiatrist and counsellors that she has classic symptoms of dissociation i.e. projection of a preferred new 'safe" identity. I know she is not trans and yes, I know I will get slated for saying that. But, the school's meddling has made a tricky situation a hell of lot worse. They got one of the Mermaids type organisations in in year 8 and after that was when it started. I also found out that she had been following a musician on You Tube who is trans and blogs about it. Above all, my daughter was confused, she's a deep thinker and very emotional. If anything, now, a year later she is happier and has hinted she wants to lessen the trans identity. I fully endorse a watch and wait approach - whereas her school takes the view "I think I am therefore I am" - an affirmative approach. I am furious with her school ( an independent in Cambridge).

I am a member of the gender critical support board. There are over 900 members who have joined. It has only been operating for a year. Every day new people join. The majority of the parents have young teens with ROGD. This is a new phenomenon but the trans activist do not want to acknowledge this. Most of the kids do not fit with the previous diagnostics thus the current presentation of being trans is different from what was previously set out. The trans agenda don’t want us to acknowledge this new social contagion as it would ultimately prove that being trans is not innate.
There clearly are people who are very dysphoric but careful screening and talk therapy was the standard protocol. Now this is not allowed. It’s just affirm, affirm and more. Any social moves regarding pronouns and name changing is the gateway to hormones and surgery because once your child is caught up in this they are Bullied to the next stage. Trust me. This happens. My child first said it was no big deal and only thinking this to a trans binge on line and a month later requesting puberty blockers. Now my child thinks he will die if he doesn’t be his true authentic self.
Thanks to people like Crappity this is the same nonsense being said to our kids. Make no mistake here. Think very carefully.

My child is not affirmed by us in any way other than acknowledging his dysphoria. Dysphoria is distressing but so is any other mental health issue. Your child, like mine, needs to be brought back into the fold. Back to the safety of her family. Build up her self esteem and love her whilst maintaining boundaries. If as a grown adult who has experienced more of her life and she decides this is the right path this will be out of your hands. Until then you are the parent who knows your child better than anyone, better than Crappity or Mermaids or any other activist. It is harrowing to see this shit, pedalled by Crappity, but I reckon you see the crap.

I'd be furiously googling the local home education groups or considering moving schools.

The schools that are abusing children like this need to be stopped.