Thread Four: Holding on to the end of the rope

[Pegsinarow]

Hello PoTs!

I am so very sorry to have been absent from the second half of thread three. I've been a overwhelmed by rl: some good, some bad and some a bit ugly!
I hope you are all doing as well as possible in the circumstances.

I saw thread three was on 998 posts and thought I had better start up thread four here!

I'll catch up in a bit but for now the previous threads were as follows:

Thread one here

Thread two here

Thread three here

Welcome back and feel free to vent here! And I'll try to stick around a bit more ... .

This is the letter quoted by Billybagpuss in thread one that has given us our thread titles. (And thank you toTheGodmother for giving us our group name: The PoTs.)

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

Hello all, checking in for thread 4 with hard hat back out of the cupboard and dusted off, its been a long month.

Welcome back @Pegsinarow thanks for starting thread 4.
Hope you all doing well.
@billybagpuss January seems to be longest month off year especially if your on monthly pay and your teens want everything after xmas.
Hope you all well.

Just bookmarking.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

Waves to Billybagpuss and McMen ! Hope your teens/young adults are doing ok? I am only just catching up with thread three where I see you welcomed and responded to lots of posts. It's really great to have the benefit of your experience on here as well!

And waves to all other regulars, lurkers, returnees and newcomers!

xpost 👋 Dontcallmedarling

Thanks @Pegsinarow! What a long month.

👋🏻 Still here too. Welcome back @Pegsinarow. It certainly has been a looooong month. Never mind, tin hat’s just about still on, and I’m sure that rope’s around here somewhere - onwards and (hopefully) upwards, PoTs! Have a good weekend all 🌸🧁☕️🍫🍹

Hey Staywithmemyblood and Aramox great to "see" you both and thanks for welcome back .

Probably should have also mentioned in the op that this is the fourth thread for mumsnetters who feel that parenting a teen is adversely affecting their mental health. This subject isn't discussed much in rl so hopefully this thread can be a bit of a safe haven for those who are suffering from the stress and self doubt that parenting a teen can sometimes create.

Hi all

My 17 year old son has refused to attend college for nearly two months.

It's killing me to see him throw his education away.

I know there is nothing I can do...

He refused to attend school for most of his GCSE year:..

Sorry to hear that @Fishflame - sadly, I've got no advice, but can empathise and offer a handhold.

My DD is nearly 15 and is a school refuser (her attendance this term has been 20%, despite meeting with guidance team in December and months of CBT. Sigh. Family 'advice' to "make her go" and not to put up with that "nonsense" has been less than helpful too as you will understand.

I could cry a river of frustration, but just have to keep holding on for her.

Does anyone have any experience of their teen turning things around and getting back into education/finding an alternative option? I think there's quite a few of us on this thread that would appreciate some hope of a happy ending to all this angst.

Thanks Stay sorry to hear you are going through similar

Oops -meant to use this emoji

Hi @Fishflame and @Staywithmemyblood

I had a dreadful time in y12 with both DD's they both stuck it out kinda but attendance was dreadful which was reflected in AS results. They both decided to start again at a different college.

DD1 did A levels (from scratch again) then a law degree and is now starting masters and LPC.
DD2 did a level 3 got top marks and is now in second year of a degree, we're having similar problems as MH issues are raising their heads again but she's looking to switch her existing credits to Open uni and get a entry level gofer job in the field she wants to go into.

These years are not the be all and end all. There are options when their brains get a bit further through the rewiring process. Hang in there.

Thanks Billy - I need stories like this!

I'm already dreading tomorrow morning...

Thanks @billybagpuss - you must be so proud of them, knowing how difficult it's been to reach this point. I hope you're proud of yourself too for holding everything together through their difficult times ] It helps me to get things in perspective and be able to ignore the disapproving 'force them to school' brigade. Her MH has to come first.

Hand hold for tomorrow morning @Fishflame - you are not alone

Wishing everyone a peaceful week ahead - fingers crossed the only storm we have to face is Ciara!

How are things going this morning Fishflame?

Sorry you are going through all of this stress which must be hellish. Do you know why your ds is refusing school? Is it related to social anxiety or academic pressure or bullying or just general adolescent lack of motivation?

I shouldn't be offering "advice" (such as it is) as I haven't had to deal with this to the same extent, but DD has gone through periods when she was lacking in motivation and took more sick days off than necessary. This probably sounds rather lame (apologies) but what helped during that period was taking her to university fairs, researching potential careers (ditto with creative/sports related or military vocational roles) and giving her a taste of the future, a glimpse of what life might be like, and what she needed to do to achieve it while emphasising that the oars are in her hands. Other teens of my acquaintance have been helped by getting part time jobs as waitresses or working in pubs and garden centres. Anything to change the dynamic of "you are in receipt of this education whether you like it or not this is being foisted on you and you are supposed to sit there passively and receive it". Sorry, that's probably not much help and you have probably tried something similar but just thought worth mentioning.

What are the school doing? Are they helpful? (Staywithmemyblood sorry your stress is ongoing with this situation, and the school support sounds woeful . Surely schools should have strategies in place for teens who go awol, it's not exactly an unusual scenario is it?)

Good luck to both of you this week and feel free to vent on here

My DD regularly refused to go to school, I remember the feeling of anxiety every morning when my alarm went off thinking ‘here we go again’ .... I’d wake her and try my best to motivate her into getting up and ready but it often didn’t work.

I felt judged by some friends as though I was letting her do what she wants, but how do you force a 16 year old to do something? Mentally she wasn’t in a good place and I worried terribly about her. She managed to wing her GCSEs despite terrible attendance, stayed for a levels despite us saying it was a wrong move. Rarely went and didn’t pass any of them. Waste of two years, spent a lot of time in bed, when she wasn’t in bed she was out drinking too much with friends.

Now at 18 she has a job she loves and is up at 6.30 every morning, out the house at 7.30, a completely different girl ... so hang in there PP as things do usually improve. We still have issues with drinking excessively and unsuitable fellas but I’m thrilled she now has a focus and routine.

Thanks all - he didn't go into college again

My son quit college last year about April / May time. He DID keep attending his maths classes and took and passed the gcse ( failed it in high school) so I guess that's something.
College seemed to ring me and email me very day and it affected my mental health terribly so when he said he wanted to quit I was a bit relieved. We told him that the option to do nothing wasn't an option.
So he's doing nothing 😫
He does play in a band so has rehearsal one evening a week, he's drumming temporarily for another group so that another evening for the next 7 weeks.
He's learning to drive and has a car so we hoped it would spurr him on to finding a job to pay for diesel but still nothing yet!
He doesn't go out. Doesn't drink or do drugs so some might say I'm quite lucky but I do worry about his life slipping away from him. He's not the happy lad he use toe be, is that normal 17 year old stuff?
I've never had a 17 year old boy so don't know! My daughter was very different, very driven, loved college and worked since being 15.
Youth is definitely wasted on the young.

Mairy your ds sounds very like mine

Hi everyone - I joined in thread 3 and have now caught up with all of the previous threads. I'm struck by how similar many of our experiences are and the wealth of good advice we can all share - I'm still at the receiving end but hope when I get through it all to give back.

We had an awful time last week - DD was using her phone way too much at school (upwards of 100 messages in one class) so we threatened to take it away (for a week, as last time it was 2 days and it clearly didn't work) cueing a 2 hour disappearance from the house one evening and us very close to calling the police. We have stuck to that but let her use Insta on the computer as a compromise.

But the reaction to the idea of loss of her phone, even for a few days worries me - I know she manipulates us with the whole 'you're taking away my ability to communicate', 'why are you trying to make me miserable', 'it's not the same on the computer' and finally the old chestnut of 'you don't understand'.

Does anyone have any advice on how to counter that in a productive way because clearly just saying, ' no we're not' and 'there have to be consequences' etc isn't working?

Is it too late for me to join? I’m feeling so worn down by the constant nastiness from my just turned 18 DD. I can’t do or say anything right, and I’m so, so tired of constantly walking on eggshells to avoid another go at me. She does have mental health issues, which she’s been prescribed medication for (but refuses to take), and received what little support there is from the useless mental health provision in our area.

My life revolves around her issues, to the detriment of my other DC, my marriage, even my job. I’m on a warning at work because I have to leave at a moment’s notice when she's having a breakdown. I came home this morning because she was upset, but apparently didn’t show the correct response which ended up with another tide of vitriol about me and my personality. So I walked out. I’m dreading going home, because walking out earlier will be further “proof” at how much I don’t care. Just don’t know what to do anymore.

@Blackadder.

I can completely relate to that, you need to become less available, send a message that you're no longer able to check your phone or take personal calls at work so if she needs you you'll be free from 5pm (or whenever) If you can afford it I really recommend going private for the mental health care the NHS is so underfunded in this area unless you have attempted suicide or are self harming you are so far down the list its ineffectual.

The not giving the right answer is standard and still hasn't gone away for me, last week I was accused of rolling my eyes, whereas actually the look in my eyes would have been panic as I knew nothing I said would have a positive outcome.

Give her her time when you can but start being much more strict about your time. I started SCUBA diving, she can't get to me when I'm underwater It also started getting better when DH and I started doing the walk 1000 miles challenge, we would do a 3 mile walk every night come rain or shine we left our phones at home, thats a whole hour we could not be contacted and so she started to be more self soothing. It also helped our marriage as it was an hour where we actually talked to each other.

Welcome to the thread CaptainBlackadder totally recognise the weariness and sense of never being able to do anything right in their eyes, however hard you try.

I got a mouthful from DD this morning because an element of her school uniform wasn't where she thought it was (but it's really because she is very stressed on Monday mornings). No acknowledgement was made of the fact that I had spent a large part of the w/e sewing something for her she is going to wear to a concert. I said to dh after she left that I am so over this. It's being going on for two years but feels like ten and I wish all 16-18 year olds were sent away from home on some sort of state programme where they fend for themselves, compromise and learn a bit of gratitude and respect. I didn't mean it seriously - and obviously teaching them how to fend for themselves is our job as parents - but it got me thinking whether we are always the best people to be giving them advice and consequences when they seem to be so susceptible to outside influences, and yet so closed when it comes to hearing us, the people who love them the most.

Welcome back Teentraumatrials I'm surprised the school didn't take away the phone and left it all to you but well done for following through in the face of strong protest! I admit to being totally crap at "consequences", even though I try. Previously we didnt really need them and relied on our close relationship to see us through. Now though, our relationship is so shaky, and she seems so stressed, I am stuck. I think all you can do is act - explain why you have taken that course of action as best you can - and put your tin hat on an wait for the onslaught of complaints. Hang in there

I agree btw about these threads and how similar all of our experiences are. It's good to hang on to that actually, because the fact that so many parents and so many teenagers, in different circumstances, and from all different walks of life, are going through this shit just shows we can't all be crap parents.

Mairyhinge (love the NN) how does your ds spend his time during the day? Could you make it a little less comfortable for him to be at home? (I know that sounds awful but I meant in a cruel to be kind sort of way.) Maybe change the wi-fi password so that boredom drives him outside? I get the mental stress of being chased daily by the school though; must be awful.

Hey "Bigsandyballs really great to hear about your dd! Just shows (as Billybqgpuss* and others have said) (a) "this too shall pass" and (b) there is more than one way to skin a cat! . Genuinely brilliant to hear your dd is enthusiastic about her job and enjoying life

Waves to all PoTs!