Help me please I'm losing sleep

[Stepparentchallenges]

I’m not sleeping, and have a 2 hour drive to collect step kids for a week tomorrow. Sounds so horrible but the closer it’s getting the more and more I am dreading it. My partner is picking up on this too as he says I’m never interested in talking about the coming down. Don’t get me wrong I have days out planned with them, done a big food shop etc but we currently haven’t got tax credits as they reckon we owe them £2000 as they haven’t taken into account the £3800 I had to minus for maternity. But I messaged their mum other day asking her to get them to choose items from a menu as we need to pre order being 12 of us. She instantly replied with ‘ xxx doesn’t want anything of the large kids menu. And we do always let her have the adult menu now’.... so I didn’t want to argue and simply replied ‘fine please ask xxx to pick something of the main menu and I’ll sort the difference out it’s not a problem’. My step dad is paying and with the kids deal xxx would get dessert and drink included whereas with the adults wouldn’t and may not be able to have to dessert like the other kids as I am not wanting to take the piss out my stepdads generosity when he’s only met them 3 times. She then replied ‘I don’t see the issue with xxx having the adult menu you guys are making xxx have kids everywhere just to save money to go on days out with the two boys living with you and I have told Xxx this and xxx isn’t to accept you guys telling to have a kids meal.’

Now I am obviously just concerned at how much they are going to play up, my routine with the boys and partner will just go out the window. We are now being made to kick my son out of his bedroom move the cot into our room so then my stepkids can have his room as again the BM kicked off (but this Is the first time they have stayed since Christmas we don’t want a empty room.) and we were going to give them the lounge every night and we would have gone to bed early as we bought them these ready beds. and has now told them that daddy has a holiday booked abroad next year without them, he went Peppa Pig world without them and now won’t buy their school shoes so we have already had tantrums on the phone from them.

We said to her if we had the money we will sort out their school shoes, as she only likes them having Clark’s, when they are down. However because they stopped tax credits whilst re doing it we are about £600 short this month. But as he has already promised them these days out I can’t really stop them now. I don’t have anything I can sell to even make some extra cash. We use to always pay half unforom, fair maintenance resulting in extra weeks some months but as she claimed it wasn’t enough she went csa and has been left worse off.

Just feeling she has pushed that she is allowing them to stay this summer but has done all she can to sabotage it from the start.

Any help, advice I desperately need sleep! Feel like such a failure as we had been getting on well when o had been goinb up Fridays to see them and had sorted out their dad but feel like this will be a huge step back.

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

Jesus. What a fucking mess.

[Stepparentchallenges]

@lunar1 when she was one and had it replaced they put a longer tube into her belly in that grew with her as she got older. It wasn't something the mum thought of
Claiming but the school sent her a pack (she's changed primary schools last year) and they said as it's a lifelong condition where she would die without it she's considered for disability.

@cantstandmenow ok so basically he needs to have set hours that we know exactly what he gets paid. As originally his job now some weeks he would be doing 30 hours so this across year would earn him £12870 however some weeks it was anything up
To 42 which would be £18018. As we never knew a set amount of hours each week we couldn't tell tax credits a final
Figure for year. We didn't want to say to them he would earn £12870 and he earn more because then we would owe tax credits a massive back payment aswell as shelling out more in csa and losing tax credits weekly. But then on the other hand we didn't want to tell them he earns £18018 and he earns a lot less meaning we are living of less wage and less tax credits each week. (He is paid £8.25 a hour). On the online calculator we would get £145 a week if he does 30 hours or £70 a week if he does 42. Yes he would be earn a extra 12 hours a week which is £99 but that wouldn't cover the loss in tax credits and the increase in csa. We would be screwed. Especially if we owed money too. But if say we told tax credits he earns £18018 which is £346 a week before tax and be earns that every week guaranteed then fine, but if say 2 weeks he doesn't that will
Leave us massively short for bills and the increase in csa. It's trying to work hours, wage and things so he has set hours, set days (as he needs his Friday of for girls) so that it all ties in.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Do you want a medal christ you borrowed money to buy shoes! Breaking news kids misbehave and can be cheeky sometimes.

[lunar1]

Who knew a child's shunt lasted that long, especially from such a young baby to a 7 year old, I'd have thought a couple of years at best before it would need replacing.

Going to say though I'm impressed with the surgeon, no blockages in all that time. No crippling pain and headaches at any point and no midnight hospital dashes at all with it.

She is a very lucky little girl for it to be so benign in her life, it makes it surprising she would qualify as disabled. Hydrocephalus on its own with zero issues wouldn't count.

[cantstandmenow]

"Just felt shitty that all his birthday has now been suited to suit them. "

Blame your partner. If he'd got his finger out before now, instead of waiting on others to bail him out, your son would have had the day you planned.

[TwistedStitch]

Also you do realise that kids can be cheeky and rude sometimes yeah? No doubt your boys will be too. And it's especially true when they feel insecure in their environment and relationships. The way you document word for word every minor infraction you judge these girls to make is really unpleasant.

[cantstandmenow]

He works 30 hours a week, the company has reduced all hours so he is looking elsewhere but is also got to be right wage etc as if he earns more jr will affect csa and things in the future.

^^ can you explain what you mean here?

[TwistedStitch]

*hours

[TwistedStitch]

So he would rather not earn more or get more ours because it might increase his CSA? Bloody hell. Well it's very nice of his Mum to spend that amount on his children's shoes whilst her adult son and father of 3 takes his time to ensure he doesn't rush into any job that might increase the bare legal minimum he can be forced to pay to support his kids.

[Stepparentchallenges]

He works 30 hours a week, the company has reduced all hours so he is looking elsewhere but is also got to be right wage etc as if he earns more jr will affect csa and things in the future.

No I would either say we live seperatley and he rents a room and does his own travelling or he stays living with me but we change the arrangements. Sorry That wasn't clear.

I receive a extra £5 a week, which in the scheme of things isn't much extra.

I'm not defending him financially I just feel there is a lot of different factors and it is never black and white. I only knew last minute today his mum was lending him
Money after he got a tyrade of abuse yesterday from ex wife. This is even the receipt from today. His mum transferred us the money to pay for them. He gave in so she will be happy. I'm more annoyed he choose to have to do it on our sons first birthday. If it wasn't enough our trip for his birthday had to change to be on the step daughter's birthday we spent the morning getting their school shoes sorted before we came home and finally did his presents and cards (I had to collect my son from his dads today as we share the journeys he lives half hour away) so we did the shoes at same time. But because the eldest wasn't happy with the selection in one shop we had to
Go to the other two. Just felt shitty that all his birthday has now been suited to suit them. But as long as they are happy that's all that matters (not wanting that to sound horrid before anyone takes it that way.) my dad came over with gifts for my son, and my stepdaughter said 'well where is mine it's my birthday too this week' she has never met him before and me and him have had a rocky few years so I wasn't expecting him to get her anything and to be honest he didn't realise. My partner did tell her she was being rude, which didn't go down to well
With her but at least he took the responsibility

[cantstandmenow]

How much does he work?

[TwistedStitch]

That's convenient that 3 hours ago you were still defending his financial contribution and then when you get more criticism you remember that you spent the day traipsing around Clarke's buying them their school shoes after all.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Bloody hell you just don’t get it. You ramble on throughout the posts. I don’t get it are you separating and him renting a room why would you be driving him down to see the girls? Or is it to claim fraudulently as a single parent?

[Stepparentchallenges]

They have given us a steroid type cream which worked well for a while but doesn't seem to be working as much, but we are now buying sensitive washing stuff, and the child's farm bath stuff and cream as been told it is amazing for eczema and less effesive aa the steroid cream. We have had two types from chemist and only one worked for a while. Also spent a fortune on sun cream, and had to buy a second one for nursery.

I stupidly let him do it because he would say that I could pay it back out of his 'pocket money' but then every time he would ask
For it still. I suppose I kept giving him chances to change. I just want to try and keep him
Happy

[scrumplepaper]

Why are you buying eczema creams and not getting creams from the doctor on prescription?

I knew he wasn't going to sell the x-box. Why you've been buying him stuff on a catalogue account (which will have a horrendous rate of interest) is absolutely beyond me.

[Stepparentchallenges]

He hasn't sold his Xbox, sorry it wasn't my mum it was his mum that offered to pay one pair. She has now paid for both and he will
Pay her back when the tax credits get sorted. We ended up spending my sons first birthday today going round the different Clark's shops to finally get them a pair each that they wanted. Went to three different towns and finally got them sorted. Messaged the ex wife who was happy and is now revelling on Facebook that kicking off and being horrible has worked in her favour. I am not even going to rise to it. He knows for next year he needs to save a couple quid ha k each week.

I have stopped buying Xbox games on my very account and also haven't had the money to give him these last 2 weeks. I have suggested that perhaps he moves out and rents a room locally somewhere for a few months to get himself in a better financial
State, and to not depend on me sorting it. I can then at least sort and clear my credit card and very account he has racked up. Plus it gives me some time to think.

Hydrocephalus she does have a shunt, and has a appointment once a year to just check it. She was in and out the first few months having a few different ones fitted her last surgery was at 1 and she's now 7.

He was paying her £80 a week when he first
Moved down here, he lived at our place of work on the staff accommodation which is free so his only outgoings then was food and for the girls. I was w little shocked he paid so much when he said. He chose to move away he got the job transfer etc before I met him and we started a relationship.

Had the eldest tonight upset she doesn't want to go home tomorrow and back to mummy. It's hard to no what to say or suggest. The tickets still haven't turned up that we were waiting for yesterday so praying they come tomorrow morning before we leave to go there if not we have promised them we will
Arrange a Sunday with their mum to take them.

I am not saying they are entitled little shits, I was simply saying is they carry on to be ungrwatfeul they will turn out to be entitled adults who think the world owes them. But yesterday there was no need for the behaviour and I was appalled she complained at the amount of presents saying it wasn't much. If I said that as a child my parents would have taken it away and so would a lot of people. I think too many people these days are just afraid of disciplining kids and say that bad manners etc is them'expressimg themselves' it's not there is still basic manners to follow.

It's not there I sponge or my parents but we wouldn't have had a holiday and if my parents offered to pay we would be silly to turn it down.

This time tomorrow they will be home and I will be sitting down and discussing everything with my partner because I feel there needs to be changes financially not
Only for the girls but also the boys and our home. We need a plan forward so that maybe I drive him up Fridays with our baby son he sees the girls and stays at his mums overnight and catches train back next day. It's a compromise so he only does one way train journey each time. Or maybe she lets the girls stay a weekend a month and the other weekend we go up the Friday. Csa wise I will leave for him to decide what he feels is best. Even if he pays the csa and keeps a little aside even a £1 a week.

Yes my soon is pre school however he still costs me in nappies which the girls wouldn't at school, he still needs same amount of
Shoes as them, clothes for Home and seperate ones for nursery as it's messy and they get ruined. And we are at the moment buying all sorts of creams to try for ha eczema as it's leaving his skin peeling. So we still have a lot of costs with him. Plus packed lunches for nursery when the girls get free school dinner .

[jilldoyoulikeowls]

Oh and just seen "if you saw him with the boys he's a different man"

You want to hope he's still amazing with them when you split up and he is paying you £20 a week for them in maintenance and can't be arsed to see them because his new partner thinks they're entitled little shits. (Just to paraphrase everything you've written about the girls)

Good luck OP.

[jilldoyoulikeowls]

IS THIS ACTUALLY REAL?!

OP you are so feckless, mean, spiteful, and stupid (and I don't say that lightly).

These poor girls.

Your partner sounds just as useless as you.

You're getting yourself in a tizz about the whole situation while he sits on his arse and belittles their mother.

I am a step mum and oh my days do women like you give us a bad name.

I think you are truly acidic. Even after everything people have written you come back with a rambling post about how ungrateful and rude the girls are, how your partner is tired because he works so hard to get money to "pay their mother and see them". Absolutely vile.

I hope this is a joke.

[cantstandmenow]

If he's only earning £230 a week, then assuming he's earning at least minimum wage, he can't be working full time. Why not?

[funinthesun18]

An Xbox would fetch enough money for two pairs of shoes not just one. Has he sold it yet?

[funinthesun18]

Your mum already said she'd pay for one pair, he had to pay for the other.

He should be buying both pairs. Op why is he letting your mum buying his child’s school shoes? I cannot imagine getting with someone and having their parents pay for things like school shoes for my kids. Your mum shouldn’t be doing it.