Help me please I'm losing sleep

[Stepparentchallenges]

I’m not sleeping, and have a 2 hour drive to collect step kids for a week tomorrow. Sounds so horrible but the closer it’s getting the more and more I am dreading it. My partner is picking up on this too as he says I’m never interested in talking about the coming down. Don’t get me wrong I have days out planned with them, done a big food shop etc but we currently haven’t got tax credits as they reckon we owe them £2000 as they haven’t taken into account the £3800 I had to minus for maternity. But I messaged their mum other day asking her to get them to choose items from a menu as we need to pre order being 12 of us. She instantly replied with ‘ xxx doesn’t want anything of the large kids menu. And we do always let her have the adult menu now’.... so I didn’t want to argue and simply replied ‘fine please ask xxx to pick something of the main menu and I’ll sort the difference out it’s not a problem’. My step dad is paying and with the kids deal xxx would get dessert and drink included whereas with the adults wouldn’t and may not be able to have to dessert like the other kids as I am not wanting to take the piss out my stepdads generosity when he’s only met them 3 times. She then replied ‘I don’t see the issue with xxx having the adult menu you guys are making xxx have kids everywhere just to save money to go on days out with the two boys living with you and I have told Xxx this and xxx isn’t to accept you guys telling to have a kids meal.’

Now I am obviously just concerned at how much they are going to play up, my routine with the boys and partner will just go out the window. We are now being made to kick my son out of his bedroom move the cot into our room so then my stepkids can have his room as again the BM kicked off (but this Is the first time they have stayed since Christmas we don’t want a empty room.) and we were going to give them the lounge every night and we would have gone to bed early as we bought them these ready beds. and has now told them that daddy has a holiday booked abroad next year without them, he went Peppa Pig world without them and now won’t buy their school shoes so we have already had tantrums on the phone from them.

We said to her if we had the money we will sort out their school shoes, as she only likes them having Clark’s, when they are down. However because they stopped tax credits whilst re doing it we are about £600 short this month. But as he has already promised them these days out I can’t really stop them now. I don’t have anything I can sell to even make some extra cash. We use to always pay half unforom, fair maintenance resulting in extra weeks some months but as she claimed it wasn’t enough she went csa and has been left worse off.

Just feeling she has pushed that she is allowing them to stay this summer but has done all she can to sabotage it from the start.

Any help, advice I desperately need sleep! Feel like such a failure as we had been getting on well when o had been goinb up Fridays to see them and had sorted out their dad but feel like this will be a huge step back.

As already said you seem focused on things that are really immaterial on the scheme of things.

Why do you need to order meals out weeks in advance for a couple of days out? Why are you fussing about the few £ extra thst will costs to have an adult rather than children meal when you don't seem to be bothered putting it on your credit card?

If I remember it is the first time in quite some mum has agreed for the girls to stay for a number of days and you thought it was good idea to make a point about the size of a couple of meals when out? Can't you see how petty this is and how the conflict thst it is arising from it is not worth the outcome?

As we are a table of 12 we need a pre order for them to guarantee our booking. I only sent her the children's menu, I was just trying to show I was making as much effort as I could to accommodate them. I have got £86 left on my credit card. £22 of that is reserved for the zoo, the other £60 for our day to the adventure park for the stepchilds Birthday.

We are only having the one meal out which is the one my family is Paying for. The rest of there 6 nights here I am cooking.

What would you say to your step kids when they start quesrionnimh and having a go that daddy does this and that when they aren't there?

how old are the girls? Do they even like Peppa Pig?

The youngest is 6. I hadn't realised she had asked my partner on the phone if we could go there for her birthday when she comes down. She just enjoys the rides. The eldest is 10 and she will go anywhere with rides.

If you are struggling for money at the moment because of tax credits then isn’t it better going on essentials rather than expensive days out? I get the 6 year old has asked to go for her birthday but you’ll just be maxing your card out and making yourself even more skint.

You'd sleep far better if you got rid of your deadweight partner.

What does he actually do for his kids?

I have mentioned to my partner that I think we should maybe just do one of the days out and let them choose between the two so we have a little left of my credit card, his argument is he doesn't want to let the them down as when he told them about all the things he had planned he didn't realise tax credits would screw up. We get paid every Friday from work, this weeks is for our rent due out Monday but then the week after I'll just have to try and save what I can. I have just switched energy supplies so we have a month or not paying until new direct debit is set up. So when that was due to come out I can try to use that on my credit card.

Obviously I don't read Mumsnet as much as I thought I did as I'm not familiar with the back story/name changes

You have your dp's kids staying over for a few days ✅
You have planned some fun days out ✅
You are worried about a kids meal vs adults meal ✅
Your tax credits have been suspended ✅
You don't want to buy the kids Clark's shoes ✅
The kids are staying in bedrooms rather than the hall/living room ✅

If above is correct my advice is-

Make the school shoes a priority

You've promised these trips so go but In future plan trips to the park and picnics that don't cost the earth if you can't afford them, go to the children's screenings at the cinema which are loads cheaper etc

Your tax credits will eventually be sorted so you may end up with back pay

Don't resent having your step kids, they are kids, they shouldn't feel like they are an inconvenience to you or their father.
If you can't do that can you take your kids to your parents or leave your partner to it for the time he has them? They should go back to mum happy and content not with stories about how you resented spending time and money on them their whole stay.

Not sure what else to say

Kids can’t have everything they want and I say that as a mum and a stepmum. I know kids don’t really understand when money situations go downhill, but if any good parent was on their last bit of money they would prioritise essentials over a day out to keep their child happy.
When they go back to their mums and he’s stressing about food shopping and stuff because he’s over spoiled his kids it will be you who gets the brunt of it.
In future he should probably not promise in advance what they will do while with him. They should want to come regardless of whether they are doing fun things everyday or not.

If you're worried about what to say. Say ask your Dad, don't get involved. The fact you're worrying about what they think or will say is because you know your DP is WRONG and has treated them badly for months.
You've known about this visit for ages. You should let him manage it.
You worry about finances so much. Make them separate and make your DP pay for everything that comes to his daughters.
Tell him straight. He is the root cause of everything you are unhappy about !!!!!!

Why is it you putting it all on your credit card? Why isnt it going on HIS credit card?

Why is it you sorting out the sleeping arrangements why not him?
Does your partner actually do anything?

@HerondaleDucks my wage isn't enough to pay half of the bills. I worked full time with my eldest but with them both I can only do part time at the moment. I warm £506 a month. Our household bills before travel and csa is £1800 (this Includes childcare and paying of credit card too.). The only way we can guarantee to pay our bills is that his wages get paid into my account and then I sort all the bills. And I most defiantly wouldn't want to claim as a single parent on tax credits just so that I know my bills are paid as I couldn't trust him to then pay me bill money. He likes to have money each week for himself which he has got better at being less but still means I couldn't trust him
To pay the amount needed in bills. Plus it would also lead to him probably not telling me what he gets paid and me not keeping tax credits updated and they risk
Over paying us. I worry about money just because I never want to be our on the street with two kids. I never promised the days out etc as I know things can go wrong but he doesn't think like that. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I get that sometimes he will have dahs out with the boys when the girls are with their mum because we can't be expected to stay in the house doing nothing. And personally it's Upto him if he chooses to come on holiday knowing that he couldn't afford to rake his girls. I think there is some situations that could be unfair and some
Not if that makes sense?

Is your partner losing sleep? I doubt it, he couldn't care less. He needs to be the one to step up and deal with everything to do with contact for his girls, I think you take on the responsibility because you know that if you don't he won't bother.

I'm a SM (and a stepchild) and although I don't think I've seen the history here I do feel that you are over analysing and missing the point of the DSC spending time with you. I didn't see their ages, but regardless of what their mother says, they really don't need to be involved in discussions about what their dad did with your kids vs what he does with them. They don't need the "responsibility" of that conversation, and their mum shouldn't really put it on them by drawing attention to it (although I don't blame her). You need to be very careful about being fair and try to pre-empt what will inevitably be said - you are a blended family now, you can't just do whatever you want with your kids and allow SC to become second best.

Explain that when you are all apart you do slightly different things to when you are all together, and sometimes that is to do with money or time. But they are as loved and cared for as your two regardless, and they don't need to worry that they are ever missing out because you will make sure that they don't.

But then you need to prove it to them!

@PrettyLovely he cannot get w credit card he's credit is so bad that it's down to me. He basically told me we had to change the room around but is tired from work and I needed it doing before my son finished nursery so that he could have a nap.

" He likes to have money each week for himself "
Wow so he spends money on himself and you get into debt having to put days out paying for his children on your credit card.
Why are you with this idiot?

"@PrettyLovely he cannot get w credit card he's credit is so bad that it's down to me."

No its not its down to him, he has money he keeps to himself that he should be spending on his kids.

@PrettyLovely he use to have £25 a week biut for the last month I have reduce it to £5 a week as I physically cannot source any more. Just get him whinging he deserves something because he works. Not that I ever take anything ha.

He likes to have money each week for himself

Bloody hell op. You get a tough time on here but I genuinely think HE is dragging you down.

The more you talk about him... the more I am 100% sure that you would be a lot happier without him! Cut the dead weight!

I dont know the backstory but my god you have a partner issue

and an inability to prioritise funds - you cant afford the days out

I agree with HerondaleDucks

Wow he sounds really childish, agree with pps get rid of him and you will have a huge weight off of your shoulders.

What an absolute loser your partner is. He takes responsibility for absolutely nothing and seems to think the world and his own kids owe him.

What do you actually see in him? You do get a hard time, but you could do better. Don't you think?

What does he actually do,sort and worry about? What does he actually do except for work?
The kids are not the issue.
The ex is not the issue.
It's your DP that is the issue, and until you realise that things will never get better.