Help me please I'm losing sleep

[Stepparentchallenges]

I’m not sleeping, and have a 2 hour drive to collect step kids for a week tomorrow. Sounds so horrible but the closer it’s getting the more and more I am dreading it. My partner is picking up on this too as he says I’m never interested in talking about the coming down. Don’t get me wrong I have days out planned with them, done a big food shop etc but we currently haven’t got tax credits as they reckon we owe them £2000 as they haven’t taken into account the £3800 I had to minus for maternity. But I messaged their mum other day asking her to get them to choose items from a menu as we need to pre order being 12 of us. She instantly replied with ‘ xxx doesn’t want anything of the large kids menu. And we do always let her have the adult menu now’.... so I didn’t want to argue and simply replied ‘fine please ask xxx to pick something of the main menu and I’ll sort the difference out it’s not a problem’. My step dad is paying and with the kids deal xxx would get dessert and drink included whereas with the adults wouldn’t and may not be able to have to dessert like the other kids as I am not wanting to take the piss out my stepdads generosity when he’s only met them 3 times. She then replied ‘I don’t see the issue with xxx having the adult menu you guys are making xxx have kids everywhere just to save money to go on days out with the two boys living with you and I have told Xxx this and xxx isn’t to accept you guys telling to have a kids meal.’

Now I am obviously just concerned at how much they are going to play up, my routine with the boys and partner will just go out the window. We are now being made to kick my son out of his bedroom move the cot into our room so then my stepkids can have his room as again the BM kicked off (but this Is the first time they have stayed since Christmas we don’t want a empty room.) and we were going to give them the lounge every night and we would have gone to bed early as we bought them these ready beds. and has now told them that daddy has a holiday booked abroad next year without them, he went Peppa Pig world without them and now won’t buy their school shoes so we have already had tantrums on the phone from them.

We said to her if we had the money we will sort out their school shoes, as she only likes them having Clark’s, when they are down. However because they stopped tax credits whilst re doing it we are about £600 short this month. But as he has already promised them these days out I can’t really stop them now. I don’t have anything I can sell to even make some extra cash. We use to always pay half unforom, fair maintenance resulting in extra weeks some months but as she claimed it wasn’t enough she went csa and has been left worse off.

Just feeling she has pushed that she is allowing them to stay this summer but has done all she can to sabotage it from the start.

Any help, advice I desperately need sleep! Feel like such a failure as we had been getting on well when o had been goinb up Fridays to see them and had sorted out their dad but feel like this will be a huge step back.

[Stepparentchallenges]

When I'm ill he is amazing, he is there for me, will cook meals, is amazing with my eldest and our son, does nursery runs, and can be lovley, runs bath, massages, let me see friends and have the kids so I can have some me time: didn't mind me staying overnight before a work meeting so I could have a night off. I know he could try and maybe see his girls more or ring more but I don't see him treating the boys bad and I do see his loving side to the girls when he sees them. Just think maybe because he doesn't live with them either he just tries to over compensate at times or perhaps
Distance himself to save heartache I don't know x

[TwistedStitch]

He doesn't treat your boys badly because he wants to be with you. If that ever changes I sadly think your boys will end up treated the same way as his girls- his interest in his kids seems to depend on his relationship with their mother.

[lunar1]

Stop criticising the mum, your partner is a disgusting excuse for a human being. Given that I have read your previous threads I can say that you have allowed yourself to be a part of his behaviour, you are no better yourself.

Everything the mum will do will be to prepare and protect those girls from the pair of you.

You even helped him lie to them about your partner being injured so he couldn't see them last minute. They have been let down at every step.

For any problems caused, you need to look a lot closer to home. Stop criticising the mum.

[Knitjob]

I've sort of lost track of what your actual issue is.

If it's being short of money then one of the days out has to go. Or you'll have to really watch your money for the next few weeks.

If you can't afford Clarks shoes you can't afford Clarks shoes. Can you afford something cheaper? If you can't afford school shoes at all then you need to give up a day out.

And finally, they need a bedroom. They can't sleep in the lounge. Sorry. Everyone else will just have to shuffle around to accommodate them, that's what happens in big families. It's inconvenient but there you go.

[cantstandmenow]

I'd far rather run my own baths and cook my own meals than be with someone like your partner. Nothing you've described there makes up for the lousy parent he is. You must have very low standards and I don't know how you can stand to be associated with his treatment of his daughters.

[Magda72]

My god - what are you doing with this man???? I don't recognize you from other threads but you sound like you have Stockholm Syndrome!
Wake up & see that man for what he really is - an emotional abuser!

[Oswin]

He could have cut his twenty five pound a week months ago, he could have saved it and taken his girls with you on holiday.
Nah he didnt because he is a rubbish parent.

Op hes good with your boys now, to be blunt because hes with you.
Men like him love children as an extension of the mother.

Once you come to your senses and get rid it will be your children being treated like this, when he has found another woman with child and put them before your kids you will be the mean ex.
You know this really, but its easier to have your head in the said.

[Stepparentchallenges]

Thank you all for the advice, just got back from collecting them. We got there and first thing mum did was shove their old Clark
Shoes to my partner saying he needs them to get there shoes sorted and that he isn't allowed to drop them back next Thursday it now has to be next Sunday. So I am leaving them to fight over it, as we have plans we can't really get out of.

The girls seemed happy with their trolls and pony ready beds and using my babies room (even if he wasn't happy in with us last on trial ready haha but Irs only a week.) they love the new house and have said they are happier not having their own room and having this house as they prefer it. They did start in the car that 'mummy has said you are going on holiday next year and also you have been Peppa Pig world without us and want to go back when xxx (my son) is potty trained (this is our bribe and he seems to be giving it a good crack now.- on the other hand I really need to figure out who on our Facebook has been telling her all we do.) so I stayed quiet and let him explain to them as some of you suggested. They seemed ok with it In the end and didn't cause the issues we thought they would.

They have just finished their tea and getting ready for bed now. We have gone through some ground rules and also punishments which we have never done as strictly before but I have really tried to get my partner to see he needs to and they have taken it on board. They know if they misbehave at the carnival then they forfeit the meal, if they misbehave at the meal they forfeit the next day out so maybe this will work.

My partner is looking at selling his Xbox now to raise cash for their school shoes. And his mum said she would buy one pair if he does the other pair, as it was always tradition she bought them every September. Usually I would tell him it's a stupid idea but this time I have said it's Upto him but not to come running to me and putting it on my very account or credit card he will have to save for a new one. He knows that this week he really has to prove himself in being the one sorting the girls out, getting up with them (I was always they one who had to), and also being careful with money. As I have said to him if this week isn't enjoyable and as relaxing as it should be then I can't see anyway forward because I can't cope with the stress of it all and it wouldn't be fair on the girls being so far from home and their being so much tension between me and him.

The car journey was ok I made a real effort of making a playlist of all the songs they use to enjoy on our car journeys and being silly and singing. I've just sorted their tea and I am going to rake them out to the park tomorrow just me and them. Me and the eldest and going to make a cake for the other daughters birthday. So we shall see what happens, maybe they have grown up and changed since they came Down last time back in December. Day one and they haven't seemed as bad behaved as before. Sounds like their stepdad has had the big part in that though. Thank you all x

[funinthesun18]

Hope the week goes well op. Sounds like you have some good plans.
If he sells his Xbox to get the shoes then that’s a good start. I hope he just doesn’t get moody about it later on.

[SandyY2K]

It sounds like you really try hard, but you still get a hard time on here. If you didnt care you wouldn't post.

You're doing the best you can and it comes across like you care for the girls.

I don't know any mother who wouldn't prioritise her DC over others including step children. His Ex prioritises her DDs...they are her children.... I would expect you to prioritise your DC.

It's him who should treat all his children equally. Equally also doesnt mean getting exactly the same things.

I don't think his Ex is helping the situation either, but the whole faff about with the menu sounds draining. As your SD is paying.... surely you can add the difference to get her a dessert from the adult menu.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

This is not good, your step kids have a very raw deal with their Dad. And you don’t help. I’m a SM and this is all very sad.

[Stepparentchallenges]

@SandyY2K that's what we would have done we would have paid for it would have just meant we had to spend less on the food shop for when they are down. As it was she said to us she wanted a kids one anyways it's just mummy's way of getting daddy to spend more. We have had a few eye opening things their mum has spend to them and the bf which they have revealed. I have baked cakes, took them carnival on my own (was a absolute nightmare believe me they were so misbehaved but at least I made the effort and they have lost one of their days out) done the singing in the car and made such a effort doing other bits. Anyone have any good solutions for head lice though, Everytime they use to come down and now this time they are covered in head lice. Which had now spread through to my son :( their mum has just told us she didn't bother treating it. I just want to try and clear them before they go home any good
Solutions anyone uses?

[lunar1]

You are really desperate to paint the girls mum as a villain aren't you.

[Oswin]

Few drops of tea tree and almond oil. Dollop of conditioner. Mix in a jug and warm through in microwave. Add to hair and leave overnight.
In morning comb out with bit comb. You may need more conditioner.
Before washing add shampoo. Will lift the oil better.
Honestly the only thing that worked for me.

Also Op you could be mary fucking poppings, your fella is a shit dad. He chose to fuck of hours ago. He chose to not see his kids for months. He chose to pretend to be injured when he finally had contact.
The sooner you get rid the better.

Stop trying to turn the ex into the baddy.
I know its easier because then its you two against her, you can pretend that he loves you and your children more and wont do this to them.

He will. And the sooner he does it the easier it will be.

[Stepparentchallenges]

@Oswin perfect thank you I'll
Go and get some tea tree oil tomorrow. I have until Thursday to try and clear them. I think she is sick and tired that she has never fully got rid of fbem she said is just feels like she is fighting a losing battle. So hopefully if we can get rid in next few days and she keeps on top of using the shampoo etc we may find we don't have the issue. We aren't going out tomorrow now because of their behaviour today and at the carnival so I have tomorrow to try and comb out before using that solution

[cantstandmenow]

Or their crap dad could de-nit them. Just a thought.

[Chucklecheeks1]

Where is dad whilst your running around with a broom up your arse?

[Stepparentchallenges]

Either having a bath or watching tele as they are proving too much this week with behaviour and demands. Kids won't let him near their hair.

[cantstandmenow]

*They are proving too much... kids won't let him...
*
God, he is beyond pathetic and you are determined to blame anyone but him!

[funinthesun18]

Seriously why are you going to so much trouble when their dad won’t even try? What’s the difference between you doing their hair and him? Do they think his hands will make their hair fall out or something?

[Stepparentchallenges]

Because at Leasg one of us has. Although today the tickets for one day out hasn't come in time so we had to swap our days out. Omg the crying and the tantrum we had because they weren't happy. We have now
Come to tbsee zoo and it's constantly
I want this, want that, it's not fair can't have ice cream. And are misbehaving. So we have now had to leave :(

[TwistedStitch]

Their behaviour doesn't sound great but the issue is your partner hasn't been a present or engaged father with them. He has neglected and let them down repeatedly. He can't suddenly expect his children to be beautifully behaved and respectful to him when he has put in zero effort to get to that place. And it doesn't sound like he ever will either, given the fact that he is already not bothering with them this week because it's too much hassle, instead of taking the opportunity to try to bond. He is compensating with treats when he needs to start with the basics.

[Oswin]

Jesus christ you dont get it. Hes not parenting his children because hes a lazy shit.
And you are blaming these children for it.
He is their father. They are desperate for his fucking attention.

[xmasbaba2014]

You need to step back and make him take responsibility for his own children while they are they. All this post has been about is how much you have had to do/plan/organise for this visit. He appeared to do none of it. And now the girls are there he still isn't stepping up. If I were you I'd be taking your own two boys out for the day tomorrow and leaving him to it. He needs to start parenting ALL of his children, not just the one he lives with.

[Nixen]

Why oh why do people like you have children? He couldn’t parent the ones he already had so you decided more kids (that you can’t afford) was the answer? brilliant