Help me please I'm losing sleep

[Stepparentchallenges]

I’m not sleeping, and have a 2 hour drive to collect step kids for a week tomorrow. Sounds so horrible but the closer it’s getting the more and more I am dreading it. My partner is picking up on this too as he says I’m never interested in talking about the coming down. Don’t get me wrong I have days out planned with them, done a big food shop etc but we currently haven’t got tax credits as they reckon we owe them £2000 as they haven’t taken into account the £3800 I had to minus for maternity. But I messaged their mum other day asking her to get them to choose items from a menu as we need to pre order being 12 of us. She instantly replied with ‘ xxx doesn’t want anything of the large kids menu. And we do always let her have the adult menu now’.... so I didn’t want to argue and simply replied ‘fine please ask xxx to pick something of the main menu and I’ll sort the difference out it’s not a problem’. My step dad is paying and with the kids deal xxx would get dessert and drink included whereas with the adults wouldn’t and may not be able to have to dessert like the other kids as I am not wanting to take the piss out my stepdads generosity when he’s only met them 3 times. She then replied ‘I don’t see the issue with xxx having the adult menu you guys are making xxx have kids everywhere just to save money to go on days out with the two boys living with you and I have told Xxx this and xxx isn’t to accept you guys telling to have a kids meal.’

Now I am obviously just concerned at how much they are going to play up, my routine with the boys and partner will just go out the window. We are now being made to kick my son out of his bedroom move the cot into our room so then my stepkids can have his room as again the BM kicked off (but this Is the first time they have stayed since Christmas we don’t want a empty room.) and we were going to give them the lounge every night and we would have gone to bed early as we bought them these ready beds. and has now told them that daddy has a holiday booked abroad next year without them, he went Peppa Pig world without them and now won’t buy their school shoes so we have already had tantrums on the phone from them.

We said to her if we had the money we will sort out their school shoes, as she only likes them having Clark’s, when they are down. However because they stopped tax credits whilst re doing it we are about £600 short this month. But as he has already promised them these days out I can’t really stop them now. I don’t have anything I can sell to even make some extra cash. We use to always pay half unforom, fair maintenance resulting in extra weeks some months but as she claimed it wasn’t enough she went csa and has been left worse off.

Just feeling she has pushed that she is allowing them to stay this summer but has done all she can to sabotage it from the start.

Any help, advice I desperately need sleep! Feel like such a failure as we had been getting on well when o had been goinb up Fridays to see them and had sorted out their dad but feel like this will be a huge step back.

How can you have any respect for a man that is so shit as a father?

That’s a serious question by the way.

Those poor girls.

I have no words. That "room" is horrendous there's no way you could put a child in there. Your partner is horrendous. Those poor girls. And she's their MUM not BM.

You have a massive partner problem and you can't see it.

@Nixen I had never intended to get pregnant, I was on the pill at the time and it failed and I don't believe in abortions. At the time money was good, we both worked full time, with no childcare fees as I had fre hours for my eldest son. Obvious half with my youngest son we don't get free childcare, I am only able to do part time (as if I worked full time I wouldn't gain any extra money with paying out full time childvate. My dad is a fireman so always on call, my mum works in a school and couldn't afford to give up work to have him. It was just a unfortunate situation and I wouldn't change my youngest for the world. And yes on my own I would be so much better off financially for them.

I get this week has been hard, and yes he is in the wrong that he is putting all Their behaviour blame on the mum, I do know he has had a conversation with her today (as he broke the news he defiantly couldn't do the schools shoes and she flipped but he did always say to her he would try never guaranteed.) and she said their behaviour is like it at home too; and when they do days out they are experiencing the same behaviour as we have. I think he feels maybe that as he only has them stay every so often he doesn't want to constantly be telling them off and disciplining them which yes to a degree I think most non resident dads can be the same. When we go up EOW to see them as it's only for 5 hours or so they aren't too badly behaved but then we aren't taking them out to places like today we visit family for tea and to see etc.

I did feel awful today when they started screaming and crying at my partner because the tickets didn't turn up. And we choose to
Do the zoo instead today and now leaves me tosort something tomorrow for my sons first birthday, all so we could do the birthday day out for his daughter today. And once tickets come we will do it on way home Thursday. He stormed out slamming the door, and I did go up and firmly said to them I was disappointed in their behaviour and how ungrateful they have been this week. I explained that daddy does work hard to have money to pay their mum, visit them and do what we have when they come down and spent the money we have on fingerlings and pick me pops for her birthday and these bloody lol dolls 😂 and that they need to start showing more manners and gratitude to their dad, their mum and also their grandparents etc. I felt awful after but they did apologise to him and said they didn't mean to be horrible.

It's sad because none of their grandparents will look after them anymore either, I have sat down and spoke to them both again tonight and we have had a chat but I don't think it's going to work. They did ask me why they aren't going on holiday next year with us as daddy won't tell them. I simply said that my mum was paying for us and that once the girls can start showing more manners, gratitude and behaviour my mum may invite them. The eldest is 10 and I think she understands a lot anyways so it was best to start talking to her like a adult. She said mummy and stepdad have said they won't take them away until they are better behaved and apparently they took their stepdads kids away this week whilst they were with us.

I am feeling torn at the moment as I am feeling bad for them and wish I could do more. But financially it comes down to him to prioritise things.

I rang tax credits today and asked what would happen if I became single they said it takes three weeks for a new claim to start as it now goes through specialist teams to check it. Last time it went through within a week so worried how I would
Cope with no money if I did say to him to go. I have my rent, car finance, contracts, bills all to be paid.

My head is so mashed this week has been such a emotional week and I don't know if it's fair on me and all the kids to go through this week again.

Another serious question:

Do you think he would see the girls at all if he wasn't with you, OP?

Mind you, he's already tried to dodge them even while with you, so I guess we can come to our conclusions. But I am asking you genuinely.

Jesus Fuck you didn't actually say that to them did you?

But your mum won't invite them away, will she? Why did you say that??

I spoke to my mum about it, and she has said that if things changed and Improved and saw more of them and they actually
Start to be polite then she would contribute half towards their ticket next time so we would only have to pay for one. My partner after today said that was what he wanted them to know. But he didn't want to be the one having the conversation. My stepdad has had quite a chat with my mum and said to her how he has always done it for us even when we were a nightmare and they have accepted my partner so she needs to look at accepting the girls regardless of their behaviour etc.

I honestly don't know whether he would see them. I don't know if he would because he would have more spare money (as he would rent a room from a friend) so he wouldn't have to say no to them if they want stuff and he has more disposable income so he doesn't have to consider what he needs or wants more. On the other hand he doesn't like getting trains etc and he's used to me
Driving so I Think it could dwindle down.

That's strange because on a previous thread of yours you said that you planned your baby about 5 months into the relationship at a time when he had chosen not to bother seeing his girls for months.

Also why are you spending so much money on frivolous crap when he can't apparently afford to contribute to their school shoes? I'd much prefer to just treat my kids than get bogged down with the necessities but that's what parents have to do.

And the way you spoke to them was terrible. They don't owe their Dad gratitude, he's a shit father who has neglected them repeatedly.

but your stepdad is your stepdad, he is with your mum. Your mum is their step granny and it's further away relationship.

i cant get over what you said to them it's awful.

He wasn't seeing them when you met- he'd moved away and not bothered anymore. You knew the kind of father he was.

I can't believe you told them your mum wouldn't pay for them to come away with you all because of their behaviour. You actually said that to them...unbelievable

We got pregnant 5 months in but it's not something I like to proudly say though thy it was a accident. Makes me feel shit saying he was a accident.

My mum knows that it would make my life easier next time we booked w holiday if we could afford the girls to go and think this is the only reason she would be saying it. As I don't think she though we Wpuld get as much grief as we have this time.

Frivolous crap? I presume u mean my car finance? My car I had before me and my partner got together, and the finance runs out in a years as i took it out over a curse of 5yeaes because it actually worked out cheaper having w new car on finance, with no mots, no tax, cheape r fuel and insurance than it was to insure a older car at my age at the time. Either breaking even or saving money each month compared to a old car. The days out he has promised them when it was planned them coming down and he didn't want to let the promise down which is understandble.

The way I worded what I said may sound worse than how I said it. But in my opinion childrn should always be grateful when their parents treat them to days out etc. especially when a lot of kids in the world don't have the opportunities. I was always grateful to my parents. It shapes them into the adults they will be. I would rather them be grateful than become a adult who feels the world owes them everything. I know their mum has said something similar to them so I was just trying to keep inline with what she has said too so we can be on the same page and hopefully steer their behaviour and manners into a better direction together.

And I didn't say to them that was the whole reason. I stated that we couldn't afford for us all to go as my mum paid this time, we didn't pay for it and both boys places were free. They asked why my mum only gave enough for the boys and I said 'she didn't have enough to quite stretch it, but she has said that she will save extra hard and save more money you guys to Come next time if you promise to try extra hard with your behaviour and manners.' More as a encouragement: I admit my wording sounded worse

Frivolous crap like loads of toys and days out when he can't then buy them school shoes.

*than become an adult who feels the world owes them everything"

Like their father? Who thinks he can gamble away and be feckless with money because their mum will provide the basics, who thinks the kids he neglected owe him respect and gratitude and who thinks his partner should drive/ organise/ do everything to make his life easier?

But in my opinion childrn should always be grateful when their parents treat them to days out etc. especially when a lot of kids in the world don't have the opportunities

You want them to be grateful to a part time waste of space who doesn’t parent in any way?

Having read your comments I’m actually really sad.

Sad for the kids who have the shittest Dad since my XH, sad that you think he’s any kind of man and seem devoted to an utter wasteman, sad that everyone is turning on these kids to the point that it doesn’t matter what they do, they’ll be passed from pillar to post where nobody fucking wants them.

What a shit life.

Exactly I don't want them to be like that, I want them to grow up with w better understanding of the world and if
I can work with their mum and help them I am doing something right. The dolls etc where for her birthday. We spent £40 in total and I bought them over the months so it wasn't all in one hit, we had to take her out for her birthday as he took her sister bowling and cinema so it was only fair.

For next years uniform I will start a pot putting something like 50p a week in or something (as I need to do one for my eldest too as he will be starting school) so then at least if he tells her he will try to get school
Shoes I have something aside for uniform: thjs year he said he wasn't doing jr out of principle as they had a good private arrangement and because she said it wasn't enough and wanted csa calculation she lost out. He's said he wants to teach her a lesson that she was trying to be too greedy and it's backfired. Plus I have always said to my ex I only ever expect csa and that I will cover uniforms, trips etc out of

How much does he pay a month for the 2 girls? The more you write the worse he sounds.

@YeTalkShiteHen I never expected their mum would have gone away with her stepkids without them this week, and grandparents not to want them. I honestly think they are trying to teach them that their awful behaviour gets them nowhere but are going the wrong way about it.

With regard to my partner I have tried to get him to do more. I have tried to make it as best as possible and done all I can. If I can't get him to see then at least this week I gave it a shot.

He pays £176 a month csa which works out at £40.80 a week (£40.80x 52 = £2126.60 then divide by 12) , £100 in fuel to see them. He use to pay her £80 a week when he first left her for the first 4 months. Then he reduced it to £50 a week so some
Months she got £200 other months £250. Plus half school uniforms, £100 travel and towards school trips.

Techinically csa is meant to cover everything, not saying I agree with that statement. With regards to my ex I take the csa and never ask for more as I would rather he has money for our son when he visits and then he provides everything when he's there

£40 a week for 2 kids is nothing, wasn't he paying nearly that on fizzy drinks for himself too until you stopped him? And the fuel is irrelevant, he chose to move away from his children. A contribution to school shoes isn't an unreasonable thing to ask for, especially from a parent who hasn't been pulling their weight in any other way at all.

And actually there is no rule that says what the CSA is meant to cover- it is simply the minimum in law someone can be forced to pay. It is perfectly fine for parents to request/ agree to additional amounts as things crop up that need paying for, especially bigger expenses due to new school etc.

This is what we said to her though, he only earns £230 a week so when we paid her more and half uniform she was getting a better deal but she just got too greedy. Tbh as I am not buying uniforms this year as my son is still at nursery it wasn't something I even thought about saving back and cutting back what I could even more on food shop. When csa got set up at Christmas he said he won't send her money for extras when she asks so as crap as it sounds it wasn't
Something I even remembered she would be buying. If I was doing it for my son I would have realised more. Yes he was spending that a month on coke, I have reduced it now to Aldi's own so it's £10 a month instead. With getting no tax credits these last 3 weeks whilst they are sorting out a cock up I am scrapping the beat I can anyways I literally have £5 I could give her. I don't even have any holiday pay that I could use and not take for the extra cash to give.

he pays £20 a week each.

I'm sure their mother is living the life of riley on that.

The more you say the worse he sounds.

I honestly think they are trying to teach them that their awful behaviour gets them nowhere but are going the wrong way about it

You’re all doing it too! Stop blaming their Mum for everything and start looking closer to home.

He’s a crap dad, you’re having to chivvy him to parent, he’s lazy, he’s emotionally inept and he certainly doesn’t give a crap about his kids.

What do you see when you look at him?
How can you love, respect or even be attracted to someone who has checked out of parenting?

Shoes I have something aside for uniform: thjs year he said he wasn't doing jr out of principle as they had a good private arrangement and because she said it wasn't enough and wanted csa calculation she lost out. He's said he wants to teach her a lesson that she was trying to be too greedy and it's backfired

Greedy? How so? Expecting their father to contribute to basics beyond the bare minimum?

I only get £25 a week for my son. And I manage to source everything for him. I'm not saying it's right just it can be done. I do know she is now getting disability for the youngest as she has hydrocephalus, she has just gone back working full time, her partner earns a lot and she has just had inheritance from her dad dying. Again not saying thy it makes it right: but I am making sure I can at least give her maintenance money and him the fuel to see them; and then need to prioritise our bills until tax credits sort out.

I think your priorities are horribly skewed reading this thread.

School shoes will last a year - instead you're dragging them on paid days out??? Jesus wept. We had little money when our DCs were little and days out consisted of days in the park with a homemade picnic or a long walk with a nature trail/I Spy theme. Didn't cost a penny and kids loved it.