School holidays

[Crossroads18]

Hi, I'm new here and would like some advice. My stepkids don't get to stay often but the ex wife has told us she wants us to have them for a week in the summer holidays. We have a 4 year old and also a nearly one year old; my partner probably won't be able to take any time off as he only just had a week off this week whilst the four of us went away and his work are getting very incredibly busy. We obviously didn't know we were going to be having the stepkids for a week. We live a distance away. I am really scared at how this week will go. The stepkids can be a complete handful, and if they can't have what they want or their own way we get tantrums. I know this is children however if I am to be taking all of our kids out on my own and they both act up they are old enough to think to run off etc. But I also don't want them being stuck indoors the whole time. We also can't afford to constantly be out every day as near where we live we have to travel everywhere to get to something fun and car parking etc isn't cheap. A week is a long time on my own trying to look after all our kids, am I right in saying I feel this is unfair and if he can't take some time off (he works 6 day weekS otherwise) that he should maybe reduce the time we have them. Usually our kids would be in nursery however it seems to be that the nursery is closed this same week aswell. My stepkids are very very difficult, and I struggle enough weekends. Any tips or any advice or even fun at home activities that you can recommend. And how would you deal with awakward step kid questions, they always ask me what holidays me, dp and our kids are going on or what days out we have done or why we have this or why we have w new car (needed to get a seven seater) and won't pay their mummy more. Any Advice?

[ihatewineandsoaps]

While I appreciate it is short notice but yes it is fair. The children's mother has 5 weeks and from the sounds of it most of the school holidays. Your partner should of offered to at least do a week in the first place!
If it will be a struggle is there family around who can help you out?

[Donotbequotingmeinbold]

What do you mean by won't pay their mummy any more? Is this a real thread?

A week isn't long to have them over the summer holidays though I would think it would be nice if their dad made the time to see them. If he can't take that week off could you change the week you have them?

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Yes your dp should be sharing school holidays with his ex however you shouldn’t bare the full responsibility of this. That being said you knew about his existing dc prior to factoring your own dc into the family unit that already existed so it’s normal for them to stay during the holidays. Is there no time he can take off to help. I would insist at the start of the year or April depending on when holiday allowance comes into place for the new year that him and his ex agree of set weeks so that your dp had put the weeks in, it’s what ex’s does and that way we are all on the same page.

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

Maybe they are jealous that they don’t get to have holidays with their dad too?

I think your husband made these kids and he has a duty to raise them regardless of you.

It was terribly selfish taking his weeks annual leave when there are other kids in the mix.

He sounds useless.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Why are you going away without them? Your not the poster who has a ds from a previous relationship who had a castle bed and a baby boy with her partner and her step kids don’t have adequate sleeping arrangements?

[SnailMailTrail]

They aren't your responsibility. Tell your partner to put them in a camp for the week or tell him you aren't willing to be childcare. He and his ex need to better sort the schedule in advance. We do ours every quarter and it gives everyone enough notice to change thing around.

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Ugh

[Wonkydonkey44]

My ex and his wife don’t have our daughter at all during the summer holidays as he would never even think to offer !

As far as things to do what about picnics in the local park ?
As far as them questioning about their mummy and money I would simply say that is a discussion for their dad and their Mum to have together and nothing to do with you or the kids .
Good luck x

[Petrolismygas]

How old are your stepkids?
Maybe they are feeling pushed out?

You've just been away (with YOUR family)
Dad doesn't give mum money anymore.
Dad won't take time off to see them.

I'm not surprised they are a handful, when they may feel unwelcome.
That how you come across to me.

[Crossroads18]

We pay their mum child maintenance, and we contribute something towards trips and things however when the ex wife asks for more money we can't always find it to give her. She then tells the stepkids this and then they question us as to why we won't give their mum extra money all the time. The ex wife doesn't work at all so it's not like she needs to worry about trying to find the childcare if that makes sense. And up u TIL recently she said she had plans with them everyday so she wasn't even sure if he could have them for a longer period of time. My partner has to accrue holiday and st the moment he hasn't get enough accrued for another week off. Plus he needs to save enough for October as we are planning a weekend away with step kids coming we have just got to finalise the last few details before we tell them where we are going. So they will be having a holiday, just unfortunately the week away we just had was school holiday time

[Crossroads18]

@Petrolismygas we do Pay their mum money we just can't always afford extra money for everything she asks us for. We pay towards school trips and uniforms plus csa

[Petrolismygas]

It just seems very them and us.

Why go away in term time when two (?) of your kids can't go.

Look at it from their view, Dad can't spend time with us because he took his new family away.
Dad won't give mum more financial help because of his new family.

Are they old enough to have that explained to them? Have you tried?

[Snappedandfarted2018]

It is the poster I’m thinking of you took your boys away abroad and you were getting your dp relatives to use birthdays and Christmas to pay for butlins in October. Your dc have bedrooms where as his dds have a camp bed and the other one in the hall way. Your dp also moved 2hours away from his dc

[LunaTrap]

I'd put money on it being that poster Snapped.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3278160-unreasonable-ex-wife

Ops previous thread she had another one which ended up being deleted her dp couldn’t be arsed to get his dc

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

If you are the poster this set up would damage children.

If I was their mother I’d send my kids nowhere near this pit of resentment.

Remember you can have a positive impact upon these kids. What an achievement to contribute to the overall healthy development of these children

[Petrolismygas]

Please stop calling it childcare!
You are not babysitting.
You're supposed to be family.

It's children seeing their father, him being a parent.
As much as you hate it (obviously), he has responsibilities to them.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

You and your DH sound unbelievably selfish. Why wasn't he having the kids for part of the summer holiday anyway? And why did you go away on your annual "family" holiday with only 2 of your husband's 4 children?

There may be a reason why your step dc play up.....

[Snappedandfarted2018]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3268150-my-partner-and-his-kids

Another thread of ops

[Adambarlow]

They’re not your kids. Don’t be her free child care.

[Crossroads18]

No I am not that poster. My stepkids have their own bedroom at our house as the house we moved too had three bedrooms and one was extremely large so we have divided that into two for the resident kids and the stepkids have got their own bedroom. This year in May we went on holiday to visit some family up country and we did a few days out. October this year we are looking at doing Alton towers with them all as the stepkids are desperate to try out the rides (I can see it now we will get there and they won't like them) but just waiting on the cottage confirmation and childcare for our youngest. We are trying to make it all fair for all the kids, when I say a distance away it's about a hour there and a hour back but it's still long enough. We pay a fair amount in csa, plus we also pay for school trips and towards uniform. The ex wife if only asking for extra money for school lunches instead of making them packed lunches etc, or If they want to go out with friends. We have tried explaining to the step kids that we cannot afford to always give mummy extra money, and have money for when the visit us and do things. It's either we give their mum extra money or they get days out with us. They pick the days out with us, until they tell this to their mum.

[swingofthings]

Did she ask for any week off during the holidays or a particular week? Has he never had them at all at any time during the summer holidays before? If so, why not?

I think you are using excuses for him and I suspect he could take time off, if not a whole week, at least a few days. At least he should be going to his boss and work something out to have the time off rather than expect you to look after the kids for 5 days.

Did he agree with his ex without consulting you or did you agree to it too? The kids need to spend time with him, not you. This arrangement if anything will probably make everything worse as you'll resent the kids (rather than your OH), they will resent you and their dad (because the one chance they get to spend quality time together, he doesn't grab it), and the ex will have another excuse to justify what a crap dad he is.

[LunaTrap]

They are her partner's kids too. Maybe he could have considered saving a bit of his annual leave for his older kids school holiday? Although this is the man who faked an injury a couple of weeks ago to get out of visiting them so it's unlikely their school holiday was even on his radar. OP has got herself a real prince.

[Crossroads18]

@EmmaGrundyForPM we are taking them away in October for the weekend, and once we can confirm next year we will be taking the abroad with us. We haven't booked the abroad holiday yet though until we have managed to sort passports for all 4 children, and agreed a date with the ex wife. Plus trying to price up which school holiday is cheaper for us.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

I get maintenance we also alternate school dinner moneys weekly ex also alternates ds kickboxing monthly payment and we alternate,grading, kick boxing uniform and school trips that’s pretty standard op. My ex also gets his own clothing for ds( which is his choice) and pays for trips out when he’s with him it’s just want being a parent is and is no different to what I do for him. Btw school money can be expensive especially when they go to senior school.