School holidays

[Crossroads18]

Hi, I'm new here and would like some advice. My stepkids don't get to stay often but the ex wife has told us she wants us to have them for a week in the summer holidays. We have a 4 year old and also a nearly one year old; my partner probably won't be able to take any time off as he only just had a week off this week whilst the four of us went away and his work are getting very incredibly busy. We obviously didn't know we were going to be having the stepkids for a week. We live a distance away. I am really scared at how this week will go. The stepkids can be a complete handful, and if they can't have what they want or their own way we get tantrums. I know this is children however if I am to be taking all of our kids out on my own and they both act up they are old enough to think to run off etc. But I also don't want them being stuck indoors the whole time. We also can't afford to constantly be out every day as near where we live we have to travel everywhere to get to something fun and car parking etc isn't cheap. A week is a long time on my own trying to look after all our kids, am I right in saying I feel this is unfair and if he can't take some time off (he works 6 day weekS otherwise) that he should maybe reduce the time we have them. Usually our kids would be in nursery however it seems to be that the nursery is closed this same week aswell. My stepkids are very very difficult, and I struggle enough weekends. Any tips or any advice or even fun at home activities that you can recommend. And how would you deal with awakward step kid questions, they always ask me what holidays me, dp and our kids are going on or what days out we have done or why we have this or why we have w new car (needed to get a seven seater) and won't pay their mummy more. Any Advice?

@SandyY2K thank you so much; yes we keep telling her to fill
In forms and check what she can receive but she's pretty lazy when it comes to doing it. And obviously our income won't affect it at all. Because he gets paid weekly tax credits saybwe aren't entitled to much and housing allowance nothing. We are in such a dilemma today because some
Weeks he works 30 hours some 48. We have our estimate to tax credits of £15000 for the year however if he carries on he will be near £19000. But because his hours are never consistent we don't want to tell tax credits he will earn £19000 and he doesn't earn that as we don't see much of the extra he earns each week because of tax. We would lose £50 a week if we told them they updated figure. However if we didn't and he earns £19000 we would have our tax credits reduce to nothing to pay the over payment back. Plus it means our csa would go up by £70 a month aswell so technically we would be over £270 a month worse off and we struggle making ends meet now some
Months: feel so penalised by it all. I really don't know what we are going to do

What the mum does with holidays is irrelevant - the SDCs are part of this family and this family chooses to not take them on holiday.

All the DFs kids are equal just in this case the second lot are more equal than the first lot.

It's not irrelevant at all

Let's say ex takes kids abroad twice a year. She won't let dad take them away. So dad doesn't go away at all. How is that fair on the "new" kids? I am not talking about this family in particular but it's ridiculous to say that all the kids should be equal because they never will be since they have different mother's and live under a different roof.

What the mum does with holidays is irrelevant - the SDCs are part of this family and this family chooses to not take them on holiday.

It’s not irrelevant if both parents want to to go away at the same time.

“Oh sorry kids, we’re not going away on holiday after all because your brother/sister is already going away with their mum when we were supposed to go. Better luck next year kids...”

Take them away on holiday somewhere. Oh wait you want to save your money for your kids. All of OP’s posts smack of selfishness

duchy their "holiday" was visiting family and if you actually read the posts you'd see op isn't exactly rolling in it. It's not selfish to do something you cannot afford.

flaming - all too often on this forum, the justification for not paying for the SDCs is too expensive, they are older than the new siblings and they get a holiday with their mother.

The DF or NRP needs to make sure all their DCS get the same from him.

This forum is so anti taking the SDCs on a holiday because, because because....

It is irrelevant what I do with my DCs and EX can take them on holiday whenever he wants - that would be twice in 5 yrs and new family have been away 11 times.

OP has drip feed, they saved up and he took all his holiday to visit her family - seriously .

I think you are right that it is too much for you.

However it’s not right at all that the mother has to have them either, only a week over the whole summer? Most nrp have much more.

Your DP needs to get time off or pay for holiday clubs that he drives them too and pays for. Your DP needs to see his kids more often.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 we really can not afford or even cut back on anything without not paying important bills for them to go to holiday club, especially with two of them. Only i drive and have a car so he wouldn't be able to drop them, plus he starts work at 6am. I really wish everything wasn't so expensive or we traded in something else than money in this world. If we had known longer then he would have not come to visit family with us and saved his week off that he had acrruee. I can't force him to spend more time with them, it's down to him ultimately what he does and where he spends his time. And what he is happy to sacrifice to spend more time with them, less stuff for himself on food shop that he 'needs' or not having any money for PlayStation vouchers

OP you can tell the tax credits average earnings if your DP does variable hours - they have systems in place for zero hours contracts and seasonal work.

It does sound like it's going to be a tough week but your DP needs to take on the share of summer childcare, how annoying that he can't have leave now.

We agree dates for the year in January and then it's all in the diaries and everybody knows where they stand re school holidays.

@brizzledrizzle we have given them a rough estimate of earnings this year if he carries on, but at the moment she is being so unpredictable with his shifts and we need to know really how many hours, as if he carries on doing 48-50 instead of 38 he will be about £4000 a year more in earning, but problem is our tax credits reduce massivley and his csa payments would go up by £70 a month: we get penalised for bloody working. By the time we are taxed it's not worth it. I keep saying he needs a court order but he isn't listening. Then we would no in advance; and when to book holidays etc around

It sounds awful. Those kids are in the middle of this and it's become all about money. Can't your partner and ex try to have a civilised conversation?

@petrolpump28 if only they could have a civil conversation. Tried and tried and whilst she has her new bf fuelling her because he has his kids every weekend and spends a fortune on her and her kids my partner is mud. I think after 10tears together she will never ever be amicable. I just await the day the kids turn up
On our doorstep when they see how she has stopped a lot of contact and overnights etc xx

Look at you blame her again. Keep trying to convince yourself she is the problem, and not the father who went months without seeing his children, who fucked off miles away. The children will see what i see.

Oh i forgot something else, when they came to visit you would only allow them yhe cheap snacks. The better ones were for your son.
You thought all these things were fine.
You couldnt understand why she was mad that he neglects them.

spends a fortune how awful. You cant buy affection or manners. No wonder they have tantrums.

*flaming - all too often on this forum, the justification for not paying for the SDCs is too expensive, they are older than the new siblings and they get a holiday with their mother.

The DF or NRP needs to make sure all their DCS get the same from him.

This forum is so anti taking the SDCs on a holiday because, because because....

It is irrelevant what I do with my DCs and EX can take them on holiday whenever he wants - that would be twice in 5 yrs and new family have been away 11 times.

OP has drip feed, they saved up and he took all his holiday to visit her family - seriously*

ah so you're getting shitty because you're in this situation and you don't like it.

I still don't see why the "new" family shouldn't go away as well. I'm never going to agree with you. If you're so bothered about your kids going away, you could take them?

and this forum is not anti taking step kids away at all, its realistic. not everyone has a never ending pit of money you know.

if anything this forum is VERY anti step parent and NRP in general, its full of bitter ex wives who like to project also.

@crossroads I still think your DP is not being fair. The mother asking for only one week in summer? Come on, she’s bringing those kids up singlehanded. And I speak as a SM. The EW is being more than fair.

Please don’t excuse your DP. HE is the one who should be leaving enough financial space and his own time for all of his kids. I cannot believe he just assumed their mother would take care of them all summer without even offering. It’s not right.

This is not your fault. It is definitely not their mothers fault. It is your DP so do him a favour and tell him to step up. No money foreven holiday clubs? No time? Honestly shame on him.

All this wrangling aside, some practical cheap fun suggestions for days in the holiday.

Park with packed picnic lunch and ice creams. Do you have an Iceland near your park? We do. I take a cool box and ice blocks and they choose their ice creams in Iceland. If not, set a budget for lollies out.

Get them to help make chocolate treats for the picnic. Rocky road or chocolate crispy cakes. Good bonding activity.

Making iced shortbread. Get a set of pipe icing colours from pound shop. If you can get cutters it's even better.
They can mix, cut out and decorate once you have baked them.

It's a nice activity to do at the end of the week as the children can make them for their Mum.

Make giant bubble mix. One part cornflour, one part fairy liquid ( must be fairy), 12 parts water, stir well. This make bubbles up to 7!!feet with the right blower but the blowers for the pound shop work too. Just ditch the bubbles in the pound shop wands.

Can you get a cheap 2 man pop up tent from Argos or equivalent? We did this a few years ago. We have them blankets and a picnic lunch. It was the activity for the week. It cost me £20. They loved pretending they were camping.

Roll of heavy duty polythene and a hose pipe on a garden fork. Splash a bit of bubble bath onto it and the can use it as a really fun run and slide activity.

If you tie dye, do it outdoors with children in bathing costumes or very old clothes. I know this from experience! The dye takes to the first T shirt quickly and if the are not all dipped together the rest are very light. Try putting all the T shirts in at the same time. The results are worth it. It's a fab activity.

I know the above relies on your mums garden, but may give you lots of peace whilst they have fun. You sound like you'll need your days to recharge if you are working evenings.

Best wishes, you'll have your work cut out, but it's a super opportunity to make close bonds and special memories. Take lots of pictures!