School holidays

[Crossroads18]

Hi, I'm new here and would like some advice. My stepkids don't get to stay often but the ex wife has told us she wants us to have them for a week in the summer holidays. We have a 4 year old and also a nearly one year old; my partner probably won't be able to take any time off as he only just had a week off this week whilst the four of us went away and his work are getting very incredibly busy. We obviously didn't know we were going to be having the stepkids for a week. We live a distance away. I am really scared at how this week will go. The stepkids can be a complete handful, and if they can't have what they want or their own way we get tantrums. I know this is children however if I am to be taking all of our kids out on my own and they both act up they are old enough to think to run off etc. But I also don't want them being stuck indoors the whole time. We also can't afford to constantly be out every day as near where we live we have to travel everywhere to get to something fun and car parking etc isn't cheap. A week is a long time on my own trying to look after all our kids, am I right in saying I feel this is unfair and if he can't take some time off (he works 6 day weekS otherwise) that he should maybe reduce the time we have them. Usually our kids would be in nursery however it seems to be that the nursery is closed this same week aswell. My stepkids are very very difficult, and I struggle enough weekends. Any tips or any advice or even fun at home activities that you can recommend. And how would you deal with awakward step kid questions, they always ask me what holidays me, dp and our kids are going on or what days out we have done or why we have this or why we have w new car (needed to get a seven seater) and won't pay their mummy more. Any Advice?

It doesn't really have fuck all to do with it.

I think people's common sense goes right out the fucking window when it comes to step kids and child care. What's practical and a good option for everyone goes our the window because someone is unhappy that they have to look after their children more than the other parent. Well yeah comes with the territory of being RP. Don't like it? Don't be RP. Do shared care. Funny not many women even look into it.

Oh what bollocks. How many stepmothers here would be happy with actual shared care.
Being the rp doesnt mean the nrp takes no responsibility for his kids.
What kind of parent would just do eow and nothing else.

Why should the fact the ex stays at home affect if an nrp should have a few extra days in the holidays.

You know nrps are not like aunts and grandparents. Its not an optional extra to parent your kids ffs.

How many stepmothers here would be happy with actual shared care.

Actually I prefer it. I like the one week on one week off arrangement that my partner has. It means I know where I/we stand and I don’t need to worry about holidays as I know when the dsc will be here and when they won’t. It won’t be a last minute “Hello we’re here!” and I have to drop all plans that don’t involve children or plans that I might have made for quality time with my own children.
Better relationships are formed because they’re here for such a long stretch of time and it actually feels like they are family rather than these people who just come and go.

Lets not pretend there is scores of nrps and sm desperate to have scared care, we have all seen the stats on the massive out that dont even pay maitenance, i doubt all these nrps wpuld happily take that on.

Still even if you are an nrp woth eow why shouldnt you have to do a weeks holiday care?

And you can defend these posters all you like but only having holidays with your new family is awful. Nasty.

If i left dd with her dad and went abroad with just my new family my friends and family would think im a shit mother. Everyone would.

Op, It seems as though this has been poorly handled, but what has passed has passed. I think the main thing is that DH needs to make sure this doesn't happen again in the future.
Am I right in thinking that you don't mind having the children? The problem is that it's all fallen on you, and you have no help?
I think it's important that DH tries his best to see the children as I agree with previous posters that their potential feelings of being unwanted/jealousy are probably at least contributing to, if not causing the behavioural problems you have mentioned. I know that it varies from workplace to workplace but employers can generally be flexible if they understand a difficult situation.
On a side note I am frankly astounded by how many people are so quick to pass a judgement or make accusations, some of whom clearly haven't even read the previous posts. This is supposed to be a place of support.

First, do not discuss money with the children. As someone else said, if they raise the matter, tell them that it's between their mum and dad. End of conversation.
Don't think you have to pay for expensive activities for your children. It will be harder as they are very different in ages.

I would have a theme each day & make it a bit like a holiday club for everyone but it doesn’t have to be expensive
so Monday is maybe messy Monday - make slime, play messy twister in the garden (each colour gets a tray of paint or shaving foam or something on it), paint with your feet/hands/potatoes etc then maybe Tuesday could be beach day - 50p each for the arcade, sandcastles, ice cream, fish & chips etc .
One day could be lazy day - stay in your pjs, watch movies, bake a cake, have something fun ready for Dad when he gets home (maybe he brings a treat home like a takeaway or new game or ...)

Curlyrover - you sound vile.

Children have 2 parents and in an ideal world childcare would be shared.

Why should she do childcare for the other parent - irrelevant whether they work or not.

Holidays - yes go on oyur own with your own kids - just actually boher to take his other DCS aswell - not just a weekend away but then you obviously do not like the SDCs!

YOur DP needs to take leave to look after his child - paid or unpaid it is up to him.

i would say buy a decent size paddling pool, clear your garden, get some outdoor toys and spend the week playing. my 9 and 8 year old get loads of days out and holidays but also LOVE playing on their body boards (£8 each in the range) in their £25 10ft paddling pool (charlies direct). also picnics in the garden etc.

@Bas27 yes I am happy to help out do course just feel it has all been left onto me when actually it's more his responsibility. His boss has been fair enough recently lending him money, he's had quite a few sick days, needing time of for other school stuff for the kids and to take our son to hospital so it would be too cheeky to ask for even more from her to have more time off especially if he hasn't got any holiday accrued yet: it's not a business where he gets 4 weeks holiday, he works so many hours and wane also many hours holiday.

@LucyFox some of them sound brilliant ideas, maybe that I do picnic for the beach day and then he can bring takeaway home as money will be really tight. We will probably have bout £60 to last us the week with four kids and two adults for days out

Not sure if this is helpful not fully knowing the kids and your situation, but why not also think about how they can help you when they are with you that week?
It’s a bit hard having to kind of put on a holiday club for them, whilst also trying to manage the house and younger kids single handed.
If your dscs are really family, how about also getting them involved in some cooking and looking after the little one (if interested)
When I was off school I also had to pitch in with chores at home.
Then maybe when you go away later in the year that can be more like a holiday for them, as dp will be on hand to help.

Although they might not be so up for this knowing you guys went away with their step-siblings already. Personally I think that’s where the problem is.

He should take a few days off to hang out with his kids imo. When we have my other half's kid during holidays I make sure he books the time off work. No point complaining about not seeing your kid if you're not bothering to take time off for it imo.

Also, we go away sometimes without DSD...our little one is still a baby and we aren't constrained to school terms. why should we delay going away or reduce the amount we go away because we're waiting for the DSD weekend?

The DIY holiday club idea sounds nice but to be honest you will just be putting extra stress on yourself. I don’t see why you need to do go all Mary Poppins when your stepchildren are with you.

She doesn't work therefore she should be doing the bulk of the childcare

5 out of 6 weeks is ‘doing the bulk of the childcare’.

How could it possibly be anything else? And we have no idea who deals with the other 7 weeks of holiday a year but I would hazard a guess it’s mum, not dad

So if you work 20 hours, are you expecting to take time off that week from work?

In the end, it sounds like you've done a complete reverse recently and suddenly want to do a lot for those kids and encourage your OH to do so the same. Maybe the ex has picked up on this and so wants to encourage contact and test how things are going.

If you are happy to look after them, then nothing wrong with it, it's just such a pity that this one opportunity your OH to spend some quality time with them and he is not jumping at the chance.

I still think he needs to make more of an effort. If he is working 60 hours a week, then surely his boss could be a bit more flexible, so maybe not asking for holidays, but to finish earlier that week? If he starts at 6am, could he not asked to finish at 2pm? In this case, the kids could get up at say 8-9am, watch some tv, breakfast, one activity together at home, lunch, then your OH comes home and takes them out somewhere and give you a bit of time to rest/spend time with your youngest?

Seems the fairest compromise where everyone gets something good out of.

I've only read up to the 3rd page, but am wondering why the kids don't her free school meals. Their mum doesn't work, so household income would be benefits?

I'm also wondering how secure his job is ... as UK employees are entitled to a statutory 20 days leave per year.... As a HR professional I'm not sure why he is having to accrue leave first. It's an entitlement when an employee starts work.

Do you know why his Ex doesn't work?

I actually see it as childcare...because you don't have a legal parental responsibility for his children.

I do think he should have consulted you before agreeing to have them. One week of the summer isn't much, but next time it should be agreed earlier so he can get time off.

If she doesn't agree on time, he needs to tell her he can't get the time off ...so it's not possible.

oswin We have like 80% care. It's easier having them the bulk of time in my experience. Behaviour has got better, especially at school. Homework gets done. Less fussy eating. Hard at first yes especially because I had a 9mo ds but prob easier now when I think about it.

@swingofthings I work from 3pm-12am on a Monday, Wednesday 9-12 and then Saturdays i work 7.00-3. I have got someone doing my Wednesday shift and I will cover them the week after: his work is shift work and with what he does he isn't guaranteed to finish even at 4. Yesterday he did 6am-7.30pm. If what they are doing isn't finished and completed by his time due to go home they automatically have to stay as they can't leave food products half unmade. Monday he has to be done by 2.30 at the latest which sometimes hasn't happened and I have had to take the kids to work with me until he finishes. He spoke to her yesterday and he has 2 hours accrued holiday so far so he's asked her to work out th average of what he should hopefully have accrued to see if it will be enough for a day or two but I'm not relying on it at all. If I end up doing all the looking after then I'll just accept it this time but I just feel it is slightly unfair when they have come to see him
More and it's a lot or pressure on me. Plus it doesn't help the ex messaged me saying that 'he asked her for money for medication but she didn't give him any.' She however wouldn't send me the messages and ignored my reply and he is
Denying it saying he asked for our money back a few months ago when he gave her some under false pretences of its use. But I knew that anyways as he told me at the time. Feel like she is constantly trying to get our backs up and unsure as to why, all she is doing at the moment is messaging him everyday asking how he is and telling him all about her life.

And you can defend these posters all you like but only having holidays with your new family is awful. Nasty

I don't agree with this. Assume the older kids also go away with their mum. Why should younger kids get less holidays than them? I think as long as u do both there's no issue. Certainly isn't nasty.

@SandyY2K we are both on zero hour contracts. I work for a chain company that have just changed it to a 8hour contract but will give more hours but it's incase business gets slows. When I log into my online portal to book holiday it will tell me based on 8hours a week what I will accrue for the year but we aren't allowed to take the accrued holiday until we earn the hours incase we leave the job.

His is pretty much a similar contract because they never work the same hours each week or if they go down to part time he would have been given too many days holiday. Last year I only accrued even hours for 16.5 days holiday as I worked for 4montha of the financial year and then went on maternity leave. I wanted to do like my friend who gets set amount of
Holiday and use it all before maternity pay but with going away ourselves in May and the eldest was sick a few days I only a few days to take before my mat pat started.

@flamingofridays if we had the possibility of shared care more I think the pressures in the long run would be less but unfortunately we couldn't due to the distance between them and us and we can't exactly enrol them in two schools. It's a shame as I think what we would save or travelling to see them etc we could use towards more days out and activities and they would be more use to our routine and our acceptable behaviour that the whole family unit would be more settled

I don't agree with this. Assume the older kids also go away with their mum. Why should younger kids get less holidays than them? I think as long as u do both there's no issue. Certainly isn't nasty.

Exactly this. Say the child’s mum booked a holiday for example the May half term. Are younger siblings of that child on dad’s side just not supposed to have a holiday too because their older sibling is already going away? There may be no other time they can go away.

I don't agree with this. Assume the older kids also go away with their mum. Why should younger kids get less holidays than them? I think as long as u do both there's no issue. Certainly isn't nasty.

Exactly this. Say the child’s mum booked a holiday for example the May half term. Are younger siblings of that child on dad’s side just not supposed to have a holiday too because their older sibling is already going away? There may be no other time they can go away.*

Agree with all of this

Zero hour contracts don't provide security at all.

Nothing is guaranteed. In which case they qualify for free school meals. Their household income is zero or benefits. Not only would they get FSM...but there is something called pupil premium. Schools (not sure if all schools get it) additional money for FSM pupils and the parents can request funds for things like books...school uniform, help with school trips and I know people who have got laptops from it.

I know its not the point of your post... but it may help. May slso help when your own kids start school.