School holidays

[Crossroads18]

Hi, I'm new here and would like some advice. My stepkids don't get to stay often but the ex wife has told us she wants us to have them for a week in the summer holidays. We have a 4 year old and also a nearly one year old; my partner probably won't be able to take any time off as he only just had a week off this week whilst the four of us went away and his work are getting very incredibly busy. We obviously didn't know we were going to be having the stepkids for a week. We live a distance away. I am really scared at how this week will go. The stepkids can be a complete handful, and if they can't have what they want or their own way we get tantrums. I know this is children however if I am to be taking all of our kids out on my own and they both act up they are old enough to think to run off etc. But I also don't want them being stuck indoors the whole time. We also can't afford to constantly be out every day as near where we live we have to travel everywhere to get to something fun and car parking etc isn't cheap. A week is a long time on my own trying to look after all our kids, am I right in saying I feel this is unfair and if he can't take some time off (he works 6 day weekS otherwise) that he should maybe reduce the time we have them. Usually our kids would be in nursery however it seems to be that the nursery is closed this same week aswell. My stepkids are very very difficult, and I struggle enough weekends. Any tips or any advice or even fun at home activities that you can recommend. And how would you deal with awakward step kid questions, they always ask me what holidays me, dp and our kids are going on or what days out we have done or why we have this or why we have w new car (needed to get a seven seater) and won't pay their mummy more. Any Advice?

@swingofthings usually we don't have them school holidays, because she has family that like to have him and she plans their days out in advance it's usually hard for us to then get given days. We normally would just extend our weekend we would have them by a extra day either side. I don't mind looking after them I am just really worried about taking them all out if they do misbehave etc. But then I would be wrong keeping them at home and doing loads of fun things. I just want some fun ideas of things other than the ordinary. He works six day weeks otherwise for us to pay our bills so he will have one day of with them and he willl get some time in the evenings when I go work but it's not like they can go out and do much

Sorry but your DP is the crap one here

Can't even have his DC for a few days/week over the summer hols?!

Mum is supposed to have them the 6 whole weeks, and he just had a week's holliday WITHOUT them?

How can you love a man who is such a crap dad?! These are HIS kids. He needs to step up big time

How old are they?

@Snappedandfarted2018 school dinners I couldn't believe the price of though. The eldest gets a card that you top up and she can spend what she likes each day. She gets through nearly £25 a week! The youngest isn't as bad as that is £10 a week. We take them shopping for school uniforms, we have paid half the eldest ones trips with school and we will when the youngest does, we buy clothes when they are here as their mum sends them down with clothes with holes or that don't fit properly and we keep them here so we have adequate clothes for them. I couldn't believe a school jumper was £15! We do pay a fair share to help with the maintenance too.

If ex said they weren't going to have them during the holiday why wouldn't they book a holiday on their own? Are they supposed to wait around for ex to change her mind and never do anything nice because the step kids aren't there?

My advice would be don't be a step parent full stop.

@swingofthings he agreed it without talking to me, and yeah she only had this particular week for us free to have them.

@Peanutbuttercups21 they are 8 and 12

Surely your OH could have asked though before booking any time?

Do you really think taking them away on a week-end, I expect a week-end they would have been coming anyway makes up for an entire 6 weeks holiday not spending quality time with their dad when your children who sees them every day got to go away for a whole week?

Your OH needs to grow a pair if he doesn't want to lose his kids. As it is, his actions are screaming 'my second kids are more important that you'.

There is nothing you can do during that week that will take away the inevitable, and that is that their dad can't be bothered to take time off for them. They will be upset and probably take it out on you unfairly. You'll feel unappreciated and end up liking them even less.

he agreed it without talking to me, and yeah she only had this particular week for us free to have them

Then he should have told her that he needed to discuss it with his work first to see if he could take that week off and if not, suggest another one.

Really, he should have approached her weeks ago, say to her that it was time he got to spend some quality time with them during the holidays and ask to have them this year. Clearly she would have agreed since it's her suggesting it. He doesn't come across as a dad who cares one bit spending time with them. As for not even talking to you about it. He sounds like a complete selfish man.

Do we reckon ex asks dp before she books anything? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like she has scheduled the whole week and is now insisting he has them at he Drop of a hat.

@swingofthings he had been asking repeatedly but she kept saying she had plans already. Then suddenly two days ago this week has now become available so I get why he grabbed with both hands. I'll just have to take it with a pinch of salt. They are lovley kids when they behaving and we can enjoy our time really well and the oldest helps out with the baby etc I just feel awful keeping them indoors most of the week out fo fear taking them all out on my own with how unpredictable they can be. The weekend away has fallen on a weekend we aren't meant to have them, and next year we will all be going abroad together (fingers crossed) this year we had family to visit up country and we could only do it term time

And maybe, instead of asking us for suggestions, your OH could be at least bothered to come up with ideas. Because good luck finding ways to content 4 children of such different ages. Even parents who I know with 4 kids of similar ages try as much as possible to arrange the school holidays so that they can do things with the kids separately as much as possible because they find it extremely difficult to please all of them, understandably. Expecting you to do so when two of the kids are not yours is just beyond selfish.

Could you afford to take them to a holiday club and their dad picks them up when he finishes work? That’s what he would have to do if you wasn’t around.

Sorry Crossroad but I struggle to believe the victim story that he tried so hard and she refused until she demanded. If he was that bothered, he would have done something about it. That's what courts are for. It sounds like it has suited him just fine this way.

Again, if indeed he jumped at the chance to have them that week, then he should also jumped to beg his boss for that week off.

@swingofthings his suggestions are

The zoo (but we only have a zoo pass for me and our eldest as the baby doesn't need one) so that would £30

Local theme park (nothing like Alton towers) again

Park

Hiring our local swimming pool (we can do this for a hour for £20) but when his two can't swim that well as they have just started lessons and the baby can't swim I wouldn't feel safe.

Beach and arcades

I need ideas for stuff at home to do, except usual board games and things. I am lucky that the baby will go along with anything and the 4year old will be happy following the step kids and copying them. They are quite similar with what they enjoy doing

@funinthesun18 we really couldn't afford a holiday club, there isn't any local we would have to go to another town. He works 6-4pm so it would be down to me anyways. We struggle most months as it is so we couldn't afford a massive holiday club bill. If we could I think it would be brilliant

just say no, you are not going to take responsibility for them, because they don't behave.

I'm a teacher, and if I am told to take out a child who's behaviour I don't trust, I just say no, on safety grounds. Thats all there is to it.

The children's parents need to sort out the visit at a time when your DP can look after his own children, full stop.

so the Mum demands a particular week, the father isn't available, then they have dispute they need to resolve - it doesn't involve you in any way

If you have a local beach buy a couple of cheap body boards and a kite and go to the beach. They can’t do too much wrong there.

@funinthesun18 we really couldn't afford a holiday club, there isn't any local we would have to go to another town. He works 6-4pm so it would be down to me anyways. We struggle most months as it is so we couldn't afford a massive holiday club bill. If we could I think it would be brilliant

Oh thats a shame. It would have taken the pressure off you, but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.
Well what I will say then is that you shouldn’t feel pressured to do loads of fun things away from home constantly just because the step kids are there. If they are going to do things like run off or play up for you then why should you put yourself in that position? I say just for that 1 week hold off goig out to places unless your dp will get a couple of days off work.
Do you have a garden the kids can play in?
My own kids can be a handful and I plan on letting them just play in the garden a lot of the time.

LunaTrap

I agree I think it’s her but changed the ages every so slightly.

So many posters with their own mantras that the ex wife is always a poor beleaguered woman. Instead of accusing the OP of being another poster or just ranting why don’t you read the thread.

OP I think you have to find a way to make this work for everyone and also ensure your DP has some time with his DC without you and the little ones. The DSC won’t understand why they don’t go on holiday with you, or why they barely see you. I think it’s time you sought legal advice and get a regular routine established. The mother should not be dictating when you DP gets to see the children. It is imperative they have a good and happy relationship with both parents and families. Good luck.

@funinthesun18 we don't have a garden but my mum lives 2 minutes up the road with a garden she has said we can use it but I'm just not to let them jse the hot tub again as last time we had to pay to get it fixed. It's one of these big proper ones and they started misbehaving and pressing all the buttons and we had to get the engineers to look st it! I don't want to risk going to far plus our resident eldest doesn't go out everyday so wouldn't want him being use to it. Someone said Poundland have got loads of outdoor toys at the moment so may have a look

The easiest answer here is for you to step back.

Tell your husband that you will not be looking after his children, you will only care for yours.

That way he has to be a parent and not lumber you with his responsibilities.

I'm assuming that the family you had visited term time were on your side of the family?

How old the step-children? You talk about them being difficult to handle, and hard to take out because they are unpredictable, but elsewhere you mention senior school.
I would normally expect children over about 8 to be able to behave reliably, and to entertain themselves to some extent, and certainly to play with the younger ones. Do these have some sort of special needs?
I think you're getting a bit of hard time on here, you're clearly financially stretched and budgeting very carefully, but I think your talk of "holiday" had had people thinking you were swanning off abroad, whereas in fact you subsequently say it was a few days visiting relations.
I think what Clairetree said was right; if you can't manage their behaviour safely, then it's got to be a "no" from you.
Maybe DH could speak to his boss and explain that he needs time off for childcare? Could he take a few days rather than a week? It's very unreasonable for him to expect you to look after all 4 when you've clearly said you can't.
If you do end up having them for at least some of the time, it would really have to be picnics and parks, you couldn't even take them all swimming.

That’s a good option for you then. Get some of those outdoor toys and go to your mum’s. It’s handy that she lives so close.
Those are long days without your dp around and you having to entertain your step kids. I feel for you.

@Petrolismygas yeah it was my family we visited, we saw them and we did days out etc with them: we had to stay in a hotel so for our son it was like s mini holiday but in reality it was visiting family. People always seem to think a holiday is abroad though

@DelphiniumBlue they are 8 and 12. They are very much use to getting their own way and they act up if they don't. I spoke to my partners mum
In depth when she was visiting and apparently my partner and his ex would very much buy them whatever they wanted, so whatever they wanted but then struggled with bills etc. I am the oppsite I like to prioritise our bills first and not worry about bailiffs at the door. She has had great difficulty in the past when she has said no to her grandchildren because they don't like being told they can't have/do something. Since their dad left the ex wife has done nothing but big expensive days out, bought whatever they wanted to try and compensate and it's made them difficult. But the youngest especially will run off crying if we tell her no which is why two adults need to go out if we are taking the baby and 4 year old