Advice urgently needed!

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Will try and keep this short. Was going to post in AIBU but thought this more appropriate and I'm a wuss
My DP and his ExW are going through a divorce.
We have his 4 children 3 times a week. I get on with them very well and care about them deeply. They seem to love spending time here and adore their dad, who is a brilliant father.
Since we've been together, if we need to go anywhere, we put three in his car and one in mine. We go to their DGM, days out etc. and they always fight as to who will come in my car
A few weeks ago we were getting ready to leave and the eldest said 'Mum says we're not allowed to go in Sissys car' when DP asked why she said 'In case we have a crash'
???
I was a bit upset, mainly because they all looked so uncomfortable and torn and it shouldn't be down to them to relay that.
DP spoke to them calmly and said that was a bit silly because they are not anymore likely to have a crash in my car than anyone else's. (FWIW, I have passed a specific tactical driving course for my job and have never had anything even close to a crash)
They agreed and we sort of just let it go, they continued to come in my car as and when.
Today the exW called him and cut a long story short she says if they come in my car when their here then she will not let him see them
Please help.
It's unreasonable right?? I feel like I'm going crazy.
Everytime I think of them being put in this position it makes me so upset, because I know how torn their loyalties must be. Likewise I feel if we bend to this ridiculous whim just to stop her withdrawing contact we will always be at her mercy.
Oh and it's perfectly safe with all the right car seats etc so it's not that.


AIBU to think this is ridiculous? And is there anything we can do??

[UnexpectedBaggage]

YANBU. She is and there's fuck all she can do about it. When they are in his care he gets to decide what happens.

[JenLindley]

Absolutely ridiculous! Do not pay her any heed because if you give into this she will start making increasingly more intrusive demands and rules for their time with their dad. Nip it in the bud now. Also tell DP to keep all contact to text or email so there is a record of what she says and what he says in case she does withold contact and he needs to use a solicitor. Which he should do the instant she withholds it.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Oh thank god, that's what I've always said. When they are with is they are safe and happy and fed and watered, she has no say in what we do when they are with us so long as all of them are the above things, just like we don't when they are on her time.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

veryproud because that would mean that I have to either not go or follow behind. I think that would send a pretty rubbish message to them, not even acknowledging the fact they really like coming in the car with me.

[Missgraeme]

She can't control who what where when in dad's time. Call her bluff.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Jen thanks so much, I've said the exact same thing to him and he is going to start that now.
.

[Ginmakesitallok]

She is being ridiculous- but that won't stop her from making access difficult if that's what she wants to do.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

missgraeme
That's what I'm thinking. Do you mean stick to our guns and say they will be coming in my car?
I just think my DP is so scared to not see them, as am I tbh. He is looking into mediation now and this will all be logged, but he's just worried that in the meantime she could withdraw contact. They'd be so upset, I know they would.
Can she do that? What happens then?

[JenLindley]

Well yes she can physically stop contact by just refusing to let them go the next time but legally the children have a right to contact with their father. This takes time to reinstate though if one parent is preventing it.

In your DP's shoes I would stand firm from the word go and show her that she's getting nowhere with threats and ridiculous demands. if she follows through with her threat then you deal with it but don't adjust your behaviours now because of what she says she'll do. She may just need her bluff called to go back in her box or she may step it up, either way, her demand is ridiculous and shouldn't be acknowledged.

[SoTheySentMeA]

DP needs to tell her this:

"Your demand is unreasonable and passing the message through the children has caused them unneccessary stress. As their parent, I will be making the decisions about their safety and methods of transport during their time with myself and Sissy. Further, I have kept a record of your threat to withdraw contact based on an extremely unreasonable demand and if you choose to carry out this threat, I will initiate proceedings in the family court to protects the childrens rights to have a relationship with both of their parents. Any further attempts to withdraw contact based on unreasonable demands will be presented to the family court judge as evidence that you are not acting in the childrens best interests."

Summat along those lines, anyway. Go totally formal and keep records of everything. All communications in writing from now on. Just in case.

In my experience, demands like this do not stand up to scrutiny by a judge. My DP's ex was forced to admit that none of her incredibly petty reasons for withdrawing contact were acceptable as an excuse to do so and she was told to take responsibility for causing DSD the emotional harm that resulted from it. We had screen shots of every petty thing she had demanded though, as all comms went through text.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

I've shown DP this thread and we are both very grateful for all the advice.
sotheyboughtmea He is going to draft that letter tomorrow and hand it to her when he picks the kids up on Sunday.
Just worried she'll then pull all contact

[JenLindley]

Yes send what so wrote. It's perfect.

[JenLindley]

Don't do it by letter! Email or text so you have proof of what you said. A letter she can deny all knowledge of or destroy.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Jen thank you.

What if we sent it by recorded delivery?

[JenLindley]

It's an option but is there a problem with text or email?

[Gizlotsmum]

Could you get a car that would take you all?

[J0kersSmile]

Email is best for evidence.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Recorded delivery only shows that a letter was delivered - not the contents of the letter. With email or text, the content is pretty much impossible for her to deny.

[JenLindley]

Recorded delivery is fine but it means you having to keep a copy yourself and also she can just type up something else and say that's what he sent. Personally for peace of mind I'd go with email. Also snail mail is really slow for dealing with stuff like this and it sets a precedent for that being how they contact each other if it's how he starts off. Who wants the faff of having to type up, print off and send by recorded delivery every single time they need to discuss an issue?

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Agreed, I think email is best.
We are going to get a 7 seater but we are in the process of moving house (to have a bigger garden and be closer to their school etc) so money is really tight at the moment.

[SoTheySentMeA]

Glad he's prepared to stand up for his kids, some arent. Sorry when i said all comms in writing i meant email or text. As Joker said, email is best.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

Why should OP get a car which fits them all in? By all means if that's what you're planning on doing anyway to suit you all - but not to placate the exw.

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Exactly it look

[navylily]

I'd agree with a message something like suggested above.

But he shouldn't refer to their time "with myself and sissy" as that will likely inflame her unnecessarily. There's nothing worse than feeling you're being forced to coparent with a couple you never wanted to exist. It's absolutely up to your DP whether they travel on your car or not, but he should keep communication with his ex about the two of them as parents, and them spending time in his care.

In the long run you might want to get a 7 seater maybe?