Advice urgently needed!

[NowSissyThatWalk]

Will try and keep this short. Was going to post in AIBU but thought this more appropriate and I'm a wuss
My DP and his ExW are going through a divorce.
We have his 4 children 3 times a week. I get on with them very well and care about them deeply. They seem to love spending time here and adore their dad, who is a brilliant father.
Since we've been together, if we need to go anywhere, we put three in his car and one in mine. We go to their DGM, days out etc. and they always fight as to who will come in my car
A few weeks ago we were getting ready to leave and the eldest said 'Mum says we're not allowed to go in Sissys car' when DP asked why she said 'In case we have a crash'
???
I was a bit upset, mainly because they all looked so uncomfortable and torn and it shouldn't be down to them to relay that.
DP spoke to them calmly and said that was a bit silly because they are not anymore likely to have a crash in my car than anyone else's. (FWIW, I have passed a specific tactical driving course for my job and have never had anything even close to a crash)
They agreed and we sort of just let it go, they continued to come in my car as and when.
Today the exW called him and cut a long story short she says if they come in my car when their here then she will not let him see them
Please help.
It's unreasonable right?? I feel like I'm going crazy.
Everytime I think of them being put in this position it makes me so upset, because I know how torn their loyalties must be. Likewise I feel if we bend to this ridiculous whim just to stop her withdrawing contact we will always be at her mercy.
Oh and it's perfectly safe with all the right car seats etc so it's not that.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? And is there anything we can do??

Very eh??

I've not attended any argument thank you, and by all accounts we are both being extremely measured and calm given the fact that he thinks he won't be able to see his kids anymore.

I have never spoken to her in my life, and I would never do anything remotely confrontational as I think is clear to see. I was bought up by a single mother who is the reason I am who I am, I volunteer at a centre for single parents (Who are by all accounts are all mothers). I should not need to justify myself, but I just want it to be clear that I have the utmost respect for them all. and most of the dads are shit

As it stands, the ex simply called him and said this request. That's all that's happened. No one has even met up, sent any letters, anything yet.

They have had other disagreements that I have said I am not being involved in, and they have sorted them themselves. I am a big one for the old MN adage 'Disconnect and disengage'

The difference now is she is now threatening to withdraw contact and it involves me as it is them coming in MY car. He is devastated, scared and very low.
Do tell me what I was meant to do when he told me she would stop access and cried. 'Oh, well that's your business, just let me know if I need to fill up the car this weekend'

Thanks for your kind input though.

Nicki they've been separated for two years.
She is also seeing someone else. RTFT.

Today the exW called him and cut a long story short she says if they come in my car when their here then she will not let him see them

I haven't RTFT (so spoils if repeating) but are you aware that there's been a tragic news story along these lines in the press in the last couple of days?

just she started this a few weeks ago, via the children who had to pass on the message.
If she had genuine concerns regarding something she had read, I know my DP would be open to that. As it stands she has given no solid reason as to why they can't come in with anyone other than 'family' and worse of all, she left it to the children to relay the message as we were getting ready to leave.

I'd chill out for a couple of days and then see what's what. If she has anxiety around the idea of RTAs anyway, it might be that this week's news story has triggered her because of the 'DC split between dad's car and his new DP's car' element.

Irrational but phobias and similar are. Wanting to control things you have no business controlling is a common reaction.

Any reason to be so abrupt? You sound rather heightened about all this tbh......

That is what I thought of too Just5.

You said it was today that she called your DP, not a few weeks ago.

just she started this a few weeks ago, via the children who had to pass on the message.
If she had genuine concerns regarding something she had read, I know my DP would be open to that. As it stands she has given no solid reason as to why they can't come in with anyone other than 'family' and worse of all, she left it to the children to relay the message as we were getting ready to leave.

Well, news story being a factor or not, if it is phobia or anxiety based, she doubtless knows she's irrational so wants to avoid discussing it because she knows how that will sound. Fear can make eoe bossy and unreasonable.

Just a theory, of course, but if she's more reasonable about non-car things, worth considering.

We all have quirks and particular worries for our DC. In much of life we all accommodate each other with these things, but divorce etc often seems to ramp things up to such hostility.

So she may have had some wobbles about it and then in light of recent awful events made the call today. I know when I was on the M40 earlier on today I thought of that poor woman and children.

You actually sound rather angry with any point that doesn't meet your own tbh. I can imagine that it must be very stressful of course but getting defensive and annoyed at alternative viewpoints that might help you understand her thought processes makes you seem as though you just want your own way over it tbh.

Maybe in a few days you could show willing by offering to take her for a spin? Or show her your advanced driving certification? Or just be friendly?

Kindness and overt reasonableness are always worth a try.

very and just I'm sorry if I came across defensive. I honestly didn't mean to.

I guess I am because I really don't want to be seen as one of 'those' step mums, getting over involved and not being able to let them deal with it.

I have done that on all other occasions and frequently tell DP 'It's none of my business' This is just harder to avoid because she has stepped it up by threatening to withdraw contact, which does impact us both.

I will read about the news story, it sounds horrendous and it may well have triggered her to be even more worried about it than before.
It is of course still unreasonable of her, but maybe with a bit of tactical and thoughtful digging on my DP's part she will admit that's it's about something deeper.

Just I can try that, but she isn't really that sort of person. When DP and I first got together I offered to meet her to relay some of her fears, but she declined, which was absolutely fine.
I have never spoken to her so not sure where the 'all guns blazing' part came in.

very I was just following on from what others have said.
If she has not volunteered that fear herself then we can only assume that it has no grounding.
Even if that has been a contributing factor, I am sure she must see that, as horrific as that is, it is thankfully an otherwise unheard of incident and it should not be a reason to stop them coming in my car.
Moreover, she first made the children tell us and put them in a very awkward situation. If she had come to my DP directly with her concerns I'd have more belief that it was genuine.

That's fair enough too isn't it? Not everyone wants to meet.

Just give her a bit of time and see if your DP can broach it with her.

If she has not volunteered that fear herself then we can only assume that it has no grounding.

Oh now you're just being determinedly dismissive.

very don't get me wrong, I think it's odd too! and I was really hoping she's say no but some people do want to put their mind at rest so I thought I may at least offer, in case she was one of those types.
I was just using that as an example of trying to see things from her side and be understanding.

The email was drafted up thread by a PP.

That email is aggressive and patronising. Please do not send it, unless you want things to get a whole lost worse than they already are.

Very I've already apologised if you felt I was coming across as defensive in my earlier posts.

She did speak to my DP, when he asked why she said 'They can only go in cars of family' DP says he then said 'Can you tell me why though?' and she didn't say anything. When he said what would happen if they did go in my car she said 'I will stop you seeing them'