Have i just been an idiot and destroyed things?

(804 Posts)
abersterol Tue 05-Oct-21 16:00:03

A year ago today I met the man I am currently with. He’s 39, I was 35 last week. When we met I was very clear I wanted to settle down and have a family. He said the same. He has a job that means he works 7am to usually half 8 (this is relevant I think).

In short, we’ve had brief sex twice, both times for about two minutes and then he stops. We’ve had other intimacy, he goes down on me and I on him, he’s hard when we kiss and he’s into cuddling and is quite affectionate that way. I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant to have proper full sex (we’ve done it twice and the last time was in may). I’ve asked him literally everything I could think of, gone through all the possible anxieties, worries or concerns he may have from sti to performance and everything in between. I’ve sat and held his hand and said whatever the issue is I’m here to work through it with him. I’ve also asked outright if he just doesn’t like sex. His answer is always the same: he wants sex, he wants that with me, he doesn’t have a reason why we haven’t developed that side to the relationship and he can’t promise me when we will do it but he knows he wants to at some point. So what happens is I leave it, a week or two, then obviously we do other things and he ejaculates with a blow job and things carry on, but I start feeling upset about the fact there’s no progress with sex and no answer as to why we are no doing it. He recently told me the last time he did have sex was 7 years ago. He’s not had a relationship for a long time and the longest has been much shorter than ours at a few weeks/months. I wondered if he was worried about performance but I’ve asked sensitively about that too and he says not.

That’s issue one.

Issue two is that since June I’ve been trying to book a short break from Saturday to Monday, to go away for a long weekend together. He’s not keen on taking time off/started a new job recently so said he doesn’t know if he can etc. I’ve said it’s just one day of annual leave. He’s said he can’t go abroad or go far as he just doesn’t want to do that right now with work. I’m not exactly sure why as his colleagues go away and they’re in the same role but he seems to find it all stressful. Eventually he agreed to ask to take a Monday off in October and so I booked somewhere an hour away, just for a change of scenery. It turns out he didn’t ask work/couldn’t take it off in the end. He’s not suggested another weekend or even said let’s just have a night away on a Saturday instead which I would have thought was a compromise. I know this is a bit of a first world problem and if the relationship is good then maybe I should stop complaining about something like this, but I guess it had upset me he didn’t want to find any extra time to share together. Again with this I was very patient, he said he did want to go away but didn’t know when etc etc. So I emailed him some dates and hotels and asked which he liked. He said he liked one of them and so I said I would provisionally book. Then he makes zero steps to organise it with his work or suggest an alternative. It makes me feel a bit messed around.

All this came to a head a few nights ago. We’d had a nice meal and come home and were watching a film, kissing etc. I suggested sex and he just stopped and shook his head. I asked why and he shook his head and didn’t answer. I got really upset. Said we’d had a nice night, if you want sex like you’ve said then why aren’t you doing that… it escalated.

I said it wasn’t normal to say you want sex and then not do it. I said he was weird for not wanting to go away together and do something nice and that most normal people in an adult relationship would appreciate me taking time to fit in with them and find somewhere nice to go for a two night break once in a year. I said he was selfish for not listening to me or compromising, said he was making me miserable and why couldn’t he at least understand that as a couple he should be honest and if he wants us to be together he needs to understand that you have to compromise. I said it was obvious why he had never had a relationship before. I said he was a bastard for playing games (no idea if he is but it felt that way). I asked him if he just wanted to break up because I couldn’t understand why he would treat me this way. I also raised the fact that in summer he would only see me briefly on a Sunday night for a few weeks and wouldn’t go for a meal or do anything as he had an interview coming up. It was a huge interview to be fair to him but I found it all a bit odd and extreme and said it was hurtful at the time.

He got upset and then defensive, said he does compromise to be with me because he spends all his free time with me outside work …that is mostly true he does but I said that’s not compromising, that’s just having the relationship. He said he would usually work later than he does it it wasn’t for me, so therefore it was a compromise hmm

It ended with him saying I clearly thought he was inadequate and therefore he couldn’t meet my needs and I had been horrible to him and that changed how he felt now.

We had some breathing space and reconvened when calmed down but even then he was reluctant to actually talk about things rationally. He didn’t say much and I still have no idea when he wants sex other than he told me that the last two weeks he was too tired after work. He didn’t explain the last 11 months though.

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship. I do love him. He’s said the same to me. We’ve had some lovely times and I honestly thought he was the person I would be with.

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger? I feel terrible and he is saying he questions the whole relationship after how I snapped. I am conflicted because I know I have been so patient and loving and kind in the past about these things. I’ve told him i support him and there’s no pressure and I’ve generally tried to be lighthearted about trips away and sex but obviously have mentioned it intermittently as time has gone on. He’s a nice person but his reaction to my outburst seems to be to ignore why it happened and to have a reason to withdraw further rather than sitting down together and having a chat about how we can work on things. Have i messed this all up? I also feel desperately sad at the thought of starting again at this age. It scares me. I probably sound pathetic here but IRL I have a good job and I’m usually quite together and positive sad

OP’s posts: |
Cheeseandlobster Tue 05-Oct-21 16:04:26

No fuck that. He IS being weird. I wouldn't like this either. If he can't or won't have sex then he needs to be honest as to why so you can try to work on it together. Does he have anxiety or something to mean he doesn't like being away from home?

Fabpinky Tue 05-Oct-21 16:07:03

You’re settling for less than the bare minimum! Chuck him

sunnyzweibrucken Tue 05-Oct-21 16:08:14

I have a low sex drive and even this is bizarre to me. I think he's "confused" and I honestly think you should end it with him.

DrEllie Tue 05-Oct-21 16:08:48

Sorry, but he doesn't sound great. It sounds like he is making you unhappy. You aren't asking for much. You say you want kids, but how would that happen?

altmember Tue 05-Oct-21 16:10:16

Sounds like he's got some serious issues in the closet, maybe some kind of sexual abuse? You can't fix him, only he can do that, and only if he wants to. If he won't talk to you about it, suggest counselling/therapy to him. Otherwise I can't see any way for the relationship to survive, certainly not in a satisfactory way for you.

VimFuego101 Tue 05-Oct-21 16:13:27

I think everything you said to him was fair and it's not unreasonable to question it when he keeps saying he wants sex/ to go on on holiday and then backs away. I don't think you ruined things, I think you brought the issue out into the open. It needed to be discussed.


PinkFootstool Tue 05-Oct-21 16:13:33

Nah, it's weird. Him, not you.

Let him be a workaholic if that's what he wants. Leave him to it. End this, move on, find someone who is actually compatible with you.

girlmom21 Tue 05-Oct-21 16:13:46

He's told you he wants sex and hasn't had full, start to end, sex with you in a year.
He thinks not working late is him compromising.
He doesn't want to make the effort to do nice things with you.
In the kindest way this isn't a man you want to commit your life to.

Tellmewhat Tue 05-Oct-21 16:13:51

You can’t go on like that so you have done the right thing.

I think you should end it completely and that would be better than putting pressure on him to have sex as he obviously doesn’t want to do it despite what he says.

CuriousaboutSamphire Tue 05-Oct-21 16:13:56

So that's a year you have worked towards something that cannot exist with this man.

Cut your losses and start again. He is lying to you, maybe to himself also. It doesn't really matter, you won't get what you want/need from him, so leave.

oreo2020 Tue 05-Oct-21 16:15:05

You have done the right thing.
Is he, by any chance, married or in another relationship? His focus on work and reluctance to plan seems dubious to me.

Buildingthefuture Tue 05-Oct-21 16:16:18

Maybe I’ve spent too long on here, but my first thought was are you an unwitting OW? He won’t have full sex (to remain “faithful’ to his wife?) he spent weeks when he would only see you briefly on a Sunday night (wife had become suspicious?) and he won’t go away or take a day off (which would be hard to explain?) I hope I’m wrong, but either way, he’s obviously got some issues that he isn’t disclosing…..

todaysdilemma Tue 05-Oct-21 16:16:31

Why do you want to be in a serious relationship with someone who can't/won't/doesn't want to have sex??? Who can't/won't/doesn't want to spend time together to go away?

Does this man really seem like a good relationship bet to you that you have already invested 1 good year into him?! You're not a therapist or a rehab centre - stop trying to fix this man. Dump him and invest that energy into yourself and into a man who can give you at least the relationship basics - sex and time.

Please please please dump him and move on with your life. And I would spend some time considering WHY you have felt compelled to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs for so long.

MrsBobDylan Tue 05-Oct-21 16:18:25

I read the first para and feel quite confident that you would have to be insane to waste anymore time in this man.

A year is quite enough, unless the drama he creates by not having sex with you but saying that he wants it and can't tell you why he hasn't done it yet.

Tell him he needs a new relationship with a really good therapist and move on.

Nobodysempire Tue 05-Oct-21 16:18:53

I think I remember your thread about him not seeing you when he was prepping for that interview. Is this the same guy?
He really needs to open up a bit and be honest with you, does he even know himself what's going on?

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 05-Oct-21 16:19:02

He is not right for you. It doesn’t really matter why his sex drive is so low, it is what it is and he is not interested in changing it. You two are simply incompatible sexually and it will not get better. I’ve seen relationships do nothing but get worse and full of gaslighting, coercive sex and ultimately heart break and emotional distress when such a wide gulf in sex drive exists between partners. You deserve a partner with a sex drive closer to your own.

Inthesameboatatmo Tue 05-Oct-21 16:19:37

You have not been unreasonable at alI think anyone after that length of time would be passed off quite frankly.
You were quite right to talk the way you did in my opinion so don't dwell on it. But it sounds like it's not getting anywhere fast so I would walk away, it's not like he's engaging in honest conversations and trying to find a way forward.
Leave before it get you down anymore.

todaysdilemma Tue 05-Oct-21 16:19:47

Look at this way, would you stay in a job that didn't offer you minimum wage? Or in a house with no electrics and water supply? No. Because these are minimum expectations you need fulfilled.

So why be with a man who isn't giving you the bare minimum. Without sex and time, you may as well just get yourself a pet where you'll at least get a lot more than you are from this man.

ChargingBuck Tue 05-Oct-21 16:20:22

Aside from these things we have had a lovely relationship.

So. aside from not wanting to spend much time with you, cancelling time with you for several weeks 'cos job interview, not wanting to go on holiday with you, & not wanting sex ... everything's lovely is it?

I do love him.

Do you?
Or do you love the notion of having a b/f?
You have written a bloody essay about his lack of desire to be with you in any meaningful way to you. Why don't you stop spending so much time trying to psychoanalyse him in the desperate hope that you can change him ... & think about what you actually want?

Have I ruined it this by flying off the handle and saying horrible things in anger?

That would be you, reaching the end of your tether like a normal person, & actually saying what you want. He is selfish, he is avoidant, & he does give you a load or Orwellian double-think.

He talks up a storm about all this sex he is going to want one day, & holidays he might go on when the moon is in jupiter, & how great a guy he os for compromising by seeing you instead of doing more overtime ...

When are you going to look at his ACTIONS & stop going into War & Peace level of detail with his words? His actions are -
Tells you he is 'compromising' by seeing you when he is not working
Does not want sex
Does not want holidays
Withdraws/stonewalls if you attempt to discuss anything you want, or problems in the relationship.

Fucksake, I am exhausted, & I don't have to tolerate his bullshit first hand. Dump him, & find someone who wants a real live girlfriend.

Pinkspecs Tue 05-Oct-21 16:23:22

I agree with PP about whether you are the OW.
Either way it sounds like you aren't compatable.
Better to know now than later on.

aSofaNearYou Tue 05-Oct-21 16:23:27


Maybe I’ve spent too long on here, but my first thought was are you an unwitting OW? He won’t have full sex (to remain “faithful’ to his wife?) he spent weeks when he would only see you briefly on a Sunday night (wife had become suspicious?) and he won’t go away or take a day off (which would be hard to explain?) I hope I’m wrong, but either way, he’s obviously got some issues that he isn’t disclosing…..

I thought that too, and I'm not usually one to jump to that conclusion. I would entertain this as a possibility.

If it's not that, giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe he has some trauma around sexual abuse. But regardless, he is shutting down discussion about things and as such, refusing to meet you half way. I would just move on if I were you, he's wasting your time.

Tellmewhat Tue 05-Oct-21 16:25:00

How are things going to progress? Is he suddenly going to want sex and holidays as of today? No.

I don’t see you have a lot of choice but to call it a day once and for all.

JovialNickname Tue 05-Oct-21 16:25:14

I think you did absolutely the right thing, that all needed to be said! You've spent a year being sensitive and patient, there's only so much one person can take. Everything you said sounds justified, and he should know you're pissed off and frustrated. If he does break up with you now it will be for the best, as you will know he has no intention of trying harder or changing, he would rather lose you than make an effort. An if he does stay, hopefully this will give him the kick up the button that he needs to start considering your needs too.

Are you sure that you want to stay with him? No decent sex and no time away together doesn't sound that great.

MartyHart Tue 05-Oct-21 16:30:41

I think there's a reason he doesn't have sex and he knows what it is but can't or won't tell you. It could be something traumatic in his past or something else I don't know. But if he won't be honest then I think you have to call it a day.
I think he has problems and you can't fix them for him. He clearly doesn't want to deal with them (for reasons of his own).
I think it's best for all concerned that you end it.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in