New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

No advice, it’s really hard forging a friendship if you don’t share a language. Hopefully once playgroups etc. start up she’ll find her tribe.

I would go when convenient - that's just neighbourly. But it's certainly not all on you.

I would also take advantage of seeing him on his own to ask if she's doing any language courses, mum and baby groups, etc.

No I don't think your horrible, you just have a different lifestyle to her, working full time, I expect you want your free time on things you want to do. Suggest she joins a local mother and baby group when they open or make friends at the park.

I would suggest NCT/baby playgroups explicitly to him. Say it'd probably be easier for her to make friends with people in similar situation who'll be on the same timetable/have the same sort of 'free' time with a small child - rather than trying to coordinate around your terribly busy work schedule. You can do this in a friendly factual way: "I had a great idea for your wife - this would be great for her".

You're not being horrible. I'm sure it's tough for her, but I couldn't be fucked with this either.

Be kind, maybe you could give her some local information. You could really make a difference to her and it's always good to be on good terms with the neighbours.

I'd have the cup of tea and point her to all the places she can make friends locally as a previous reply said. You may like her, you may not. Can go from there.

The problem is I don't actually know about local things for parents because I don't have children of my own. My world is dogs, my job, running group, hiking, etc - so I've got nothing I can practically help her with I'd have to do research in order to give them this type of information, but then I kind-of think, well he could do that research and I'm really busy etc.

I don't mind having a cup of tea with her, but my concern would be that then escalating - do it once and then it becomes an expectation that it happens again.

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you? Most people talk to at least one of their neighbours

Be kind, go for a cup of tea in the garden, you can discuss the area with her, tell her what’s about, etc etc

Just tell him she can go to babygroups, this is not your responsibility.

Be kind - it wouldn’t hurt to have a cup of tea and a chat. I think you are being a little weird about this. It would be very normal to welcome a new neighbour. As least then you can wave and smile.

I agree with @Rollercoaster1920. It would be a neighbourly thing to do and even if you don’t know anything about local things for Mums & babies, you could advise her where to look. You don’t have to become her only friend but you might find that you get on and you might just make her feel a little better. Wouldn’t that be a worthwhile thing to do?

He sounds very worried about her. I would go round armed with leaflets and information. Suggest ways she could integrate and give them to her husband if she can't read English. Try at least to be kind. You don't need to be going round every week after that.

I would help her get in contact with baby groups etc.

Hopefully she will start picking up English but it must be very hard got her at the moment with nothing really open.

Op I get where you are coming from. I had the same when we moved here, only it was the brother wanting me to look after his mum on a daily basis by going and getting her a newspaper and having tea with her. We had not even found the our mains fuse box to switch on our electricity when this was asked !!! Literally had arrived on our own doorstep for maybe ten minutes before he was over to tell what he wanted.
It never happened and yes I became the not-friendly-neighbour. I spent a year just nodding and saying “that’s a lovely idea, maybe when I have time.” Eventually he gave up.
So my advice is nod, smile say it’s a lovely idea when you have time and generally ignore. He will either give up, or she will make her own friends via baby groups etc. I’m sure one of them is capable of googling for those.

Suggest to him that she talks to her health visitors about good places to go with the baby to meet others. Job done.

Yeah OP could go round ‘armed with information’ but presumably her husband could do all this? It takes a google or a wander past the community centre noticeboard? It would be different if the op had kids and knew off hand about baby groups etc but as she’s childfree, she’ll have to do research that he could easily do?? Why is it Ops problem? He’s found a woman to do the hard work for him more like

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

Do you have no friends with babies OP, or friends of friends? When I was on mat leave I would have been more than happy to meet up with a fellow mum, it’s a really sociable time for meeting new people. I appreciate you don’t want to spend any time with her but it would be kind to have a think or ask around.

This isn't your problem to solve, and as much as it would be lovely of you to go and make friends with her, you shouldn't feel as though you have to. Very entitled of him to think he can just decide you've to be the one to solve this problem for them.
I completely understand how you feel OP. I really hate when I'm put upon to do something that I don't really want to do.

Also why are we talking like baby groups and in person meetings and opportunities to make friends are... legal?

Oh come on OP! The woman is lonely, she's your neighbour. Have a cup of tea with her! You never know, you might like her!

It’s not your problem to sort out. Just keep saying you’re busy, he’ll get the message. Never get too involved with neighbours. 😬

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

Exactly. He's managing to go and do the things he likes while his wife sits in the house staring out the window. Sounds strange to me.

@etinox "No advice, it’s really hard forging a friendship if you don’t share a language. Hopefully once playgroups etc. start up she’ll find her tribe."

Tribe? Erm pardon?