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My partner is putting off trying for a baby

(210 Posts)
Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 14:24:37

Hello, first ever post, I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

I've been with my partner 4 year and we both are in agreement that we want to have children. I'm 34 and he's 38. We are not in a great financial situation, we are both artists and have freelance type jobs to make money. I don't think we will ever have loads of money but we are resourceful and loving and we think we can make having children work.

The issue is that I feel like he just keep putting it off, it's never the right time to start trying. The conversations about having children are starting to make me more upset and the last discussion ended in an argument. He said that I'm pressuring him and these conversations are making him want to have children less.

I've tried telling him that I feel the longer you leave it the harder it might be to conceive and there are higher risks of complications. Plus it can take time to conceive anyway. Another issue is that he never wants to have sex, it might be once a month if I'm lucky. Another factor that might make conceiving slow or difficult.

I'm starting to feel like a crazy woman and a bit unsure of what to do!

OP’s posts: |
pog100 Fri 20-Nov-20 14:29:25

Your concerns are valid but to be honest his attitude and the lack of sex in your relationship would make me worry if he was the right guy to have kids with.

ravenmum Fri 20-Nov-20 14:40:34

My exh claimed in retrospect (15 years on!) that he didn't want to have children with me, and I forced him into it. This despite the fact that at the time, he went along with it entirely without complaint.
If I was reliving my life but with that experience, I would only be having kids with someone who was really keen to have them with me.

In your case I would wonder if your partner was having second thoughs about everything, before you even started putting on any pressure.

Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 14:54:18

He has said all through our relationship that he wants to have kids, but I just wonder if it's just something he says and hasn't actually given it any real thought. So I do have this deep down worry that maybe he's not the right guy to have kids with.
It's good to hear that my concerns are valid by someone else because I'm starting to feel like I'm mad when I talk to him about this.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Fri 20-Nov-20 14:55:21

You've given him 4 of your peak fertile years. Don't waste any more on him.

cuddlymunchkin Fri 20-Nov-20 14:56:34

He doesn't want kids. He says he might, in the future... but he doesn't.

ravenmum Fri 20-Nov-20 14:57:05

That is exactly why my exh said yes to having kids with me, I believe! Didn't think about it at all.

Listen to your gut feeling.

Sadhoot Fri 20-Nov-20 15:00:07

I'm sorry, I don't think he wants a baby. It's easy to say you'll do something later. But when it comes to crunch time, it's actions that matter. I've been meaning to run a marathon for about 8 years now. I think I have to face that the abstract notion is more appealing than the steps necessary to make it happen.

If at 38 he's not sure he's ready to have a baby then I very much doubt that he will be ready while you're still fertile.

WildfirePonie Fri 20-Nov-20 15:00:18

Time to move on OP... Please don't waste any more years with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 20-Nov-20 15:03:13

Do not waste any more years on this man. His overall attitude and lack of interest in sex is also very concerning.

HotSince63 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:03:36

You're not in a great financial situation and "we are resourceful and loving" doesn't really pay the bills.

Added to that your relationship in general doesn't sound at it's best.

Even putting aside the fact that obviously does not want to have a child with you, it doesn't sound like your relationship or finances could cope with the strain.

Sadhoot Fri 20-Nov-20 15:08:02

OP I think you should get yourself some ice cream and watch "He's Just Not That In To You". It's a brilliant, eye-opening film.

BawJaws Fri 20-Nov-20 15:10:58

Leave him

When men want to get married, have kids ....or whatever.... they will

Lemondrops41 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:11:02

He wants kids but not with you. I would move on now while you still have time to meet somebody else. Don't wait another four years and be in the same boat.

Also, it's different for him because his biological clock isn't going to run out. He can father a child in his 50's, whereas you have maybe 10-12 years left.

JustAnotherUserinParadise Fri 20-Nov-20 15:11:31

I think you need to have a serious "shit or get off the pot" talk with him... sorry but you might not have long to decide this.
What about getting married? Do you want that?

MRC20 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:13:54

If you really want kids unless he changes his mind very soon you'll have to move on. I started trying at 37, it took 5 years and cost a lot of money to have a baby.

Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:20:13

Sadhoot

I'm sorry, I don't think he wants a baby. It's easy to say you'll do something later. But when it comes to crunch time, it's actions that matter. I've been meaning to run a marathon for about 8 years now. I think I have to face that the abstract notion is more appealing than the steps necessary to make it happen.

If at 38 he's not sure he's ready to have a baby then I very much doubt that he will be ready while you're still fertile.

smile yes exactly, anyone can just talk about doing something, but as you say, it's action that matters. And yeah I think if he's not ready at 38, when is he going to be?

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Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:23:54

AttilaTheMeerkat

Do not waste any more years on this man. His overall attitude and lack of interest in sex is also very concerning.

The lack of sex thing has been concerning me for a while. It's kind of the same as the having children issue, it's never the right time, putting it off. It's such a sensitive issue that we haven't spoken about it in a year at least. It's not ideally what I want in a relationship but I've just sort of got used to it being like that.

OP’s posts: |
Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:27:08

Lemondrops41

He wants kids but not with you. I would move on now while you still have time to meet somebody else. Don't wait another four years and be in the same boat.

Also, it's different for him because his biological clock isn't going to run out. He can father a child in his 50's, whereas you have maybe 10-12 years left.

I've said this to him as well, but he always talks about a friend of his who had a baby at 38 and it was fine. So I think he thinks that means it should be fine for us. Maybe it would be but I've said that's not want I want if it can be avoided!

OP’s posts: |
Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:31:12

JustAnotherUserinParadise

I think you need to have a serious "shit or get off the pot" talk with him... sorry but you might not have long to decide this.
What about getting married? Do you want that?

I feel like the "shit or get off the pot" talk needs to happen as well, but I'm kind of scared of the outcome.
I would like to get married as well, and again, we've talked about it and what kind of wedding it might be, who we would invite etc. It's another thing that I'm always wondering, will it every actually happen!

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Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:33:40

MRC20

If you really want kids unless he changes his mind very soon you'll have to move on. I started trying at 37, it took 5 years and cost a lot of money to have a baby.

sad I'm sorry to hear it took such a long time and cost a lot but glad you got there in the end smile Thank you for your advice!

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Birdland86 Fri 20-Nov-20 15:41:42

HotSince63

You're not in a great financial situation and "we are resourceful and loving" doesn't really pay the bills.

Added to that your relationship in general doesn't sound at it's best.

Even putting aside the fact that obviously does not want to have a child with you, it doesn't sound like your relationship or finances could cope with the strain.

Yeah I do take that on board and re the finances, I know that if we seriously were going to try for children we'd make some changes. We currently live in Portugal so not much money around anyway. We'd go back to the UK and I can get back into the field of work I was in before we left.
Thanks for your advice smile

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lakesidewinter Fri 20-Nov-20 15:45:47

It doesn't truly sound like this is the man for you to have dc with, sex isn't happening much, there isn't open communication about this and he doesn't actually want dc at the moment.

If you are serious about wanting dc I would be looking for another partner. If you want him more the dc I would be having that conversation with him.

Friendsoftheearth Fri 20-Nov-20 15:54:04

Why are you still with him? You are wasting precious time. Leave him and find someone that wants the same things in life.

This is not the right man to have children with op.

FredtheFerret Fri 20-Nov-20 15:58:24

I would end the relationship and move on if you want a baby.

I was fortunate to have DC in my first marriage. With DH2 I tried at 37. Clearly both of us were able to have children.

I had 5 miscarriages between then and 42. We were not able to have another child. If I'd left it til after 35 to try for a baby I would be childless.

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