Lack of sex is getting to me! 😢

[EmmieG11]

Looking for advice as not sure what to do but feeling really crap!

Been with my partner now for just over 3 years. He’s 33 and I’m 35. When we first met it was clear I was the one with the higher sex drive (and mine really isn’t that high!). He was never very adventurous or spontaneous and it was only ever missionary position! Never ever any oral sex!

I liked him so much that I didn’t mind and continued the relationship. Even though sex was technically boring it was in some ways the best I’d ever had because of my feelings for him. Now things have got worse. He never instigates sex and when it does start he either has trouble keeping an erection or getting one in the first place. So now we haven’t had sex for around 3 months. He works away and I always imagine that usually men in his position would be desperate to come home after a few weeks and have sex but he clearly doesn’t think about it!

The thing that upsets me the most about it is that before I met him I was in an unhappy marriage where one of the big issues was me not wanting sex with him. He would get angry about it. I would get upset and stressed about it and I would quietly wish for a man with no sex drive!
When our marriage ended I suddenly wanted sex. I then met my current partner and now I’m in the position my ex husband was in. Feeling unattractive and unwanted. So I start to think he hates me in the way I hated my ex husband. Can’t help thinking I got what I wished for!

On the other hand he is affectionate (probably more so than I am to him) and is a very good partner in all other ways. He’s recently spoken about us trying for a baby in a few months but I’m wondering how he thinks that’s going to happen because at this rate I’ll need to be artificially inseminated!

I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him forever but not sure I can continue a life like this!
Never thought lack of sex would bother me ever as it’s always been at the bottom of my priorities. Perhaps I only want it because I can’t have it?

[MMmomDD]

Have you tried talking to him about it?

[Aquamarine1029]

You are not compatible and I would end it, because this situation is doubtful to improve. I certainly wouldn't chain myself to him by having his baby. Move on. There's men more suited to you out there.

[EmmieG11]

Yes I’ve spoken to him and he is just as frustrated as I am and says he will go to the GP but I’m not sure he would ever have the guts to go and talk about something so sensitive!
I don’t like to go on about it because I remember what it was like to be hassled and it only makes the problem worse for the one who struggles to have sex!

In terms of ending the relationship, that is exactly the sort of rational advice I would give to anyone else in my shoes but it’s hard to take that advice myself because I feel like it’s an unfair reason to break up with someone, given that I’ve been in his position before.
It’s also complicated in the fact we have a mortgage together and my daughter who is from my marriage loves him so much and they have the best relationship. It would be so difficult for all three or us. And all because I want some sex?

[Scott72]

End it, its very unlikely to get better. I'm sure there's a man out there you will be attracted to who also has a decent sex drive.

[Scott72]

Lack of sex is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. Often you have to make allowances for temporary lulls, such as after childbirth, but in his case it just seems he has a low libido and its unlikely to get better.

[EmmieG11]

I know but....is sex really the be all and end all?
He’s a good person. I could dump him and end up with a man with a high sex drive who is also abusive!
I don’t really want anyone else! 😢
Also, I strongly believe I am the kind of girl that wants what she can’t have. If it was there on a plate for me I would probably be the one refusing!

[Windmillwhirl]

Sadly, I agree with the others. It's not like it's once a week, it's once in three months.

Possibly the fact he can't maintain an erection is embarrassing and is stopping him instigating sex.

Do you really think he wouldn't go to his GP if your relationship was on the line?

[byefeliciabye]

You clearly love this man and from what you've said, he's a good person and role model for your child. I don't think you should just up and leave. I would try to open the conversation up more. Try to get to the root of the issue and then make a decision once you know what's really going on. It could be a medical problem, it could be emotional, it could just be as simple as a low sex drive. Whatever it is, if he's perfect for you in every other way, it's worth raising the issue and perhaps finding a solution. He obviously needs to be on board too. My advice to you is to talk about it in depth. Don't shy away from it or it will fester and the relationship will turn sour. Good luck

[BitOfFun]

I think you probably need to both check out sex therapy. You could go via your GP, but it's going to be quicker to find a counsellor privately.

I wouldn't bring a baby into the situation as it stands, but it sounds like you both want to keep this relationship together, so it's worth making an effort to resolve the issue.

[BitOfFun]

As byefeliciabye says though, there could be underlying medical issues to rule out first, so the GP is probably your first port of call.

[EmmieG11]

Yes I think it is embarrassing for him and also it’s just a cycle you get into where something goes wrong once and then the next time you’ll start overthinking it and getting stressed about it. So I think he is caught in that cycle now.
I guess if I got serious and said the relationship is over if it doesn’t change then that might push him to go to the GP.

[EmmieG11]

Thank you. I do think it needs further exploration as it is worth us trying to get to the bottom of it.

But I am fearful that talking about it will make it worse as that was definitely the case for me when I had that issue.

The thought of sex therapy makes me cringe! I think if we had to sit through that the end result would be that I don’t want sex anymore! Hmmm... at least that would solve the problem!

[Chocmallows]

He should go to the GP because this could be a symptom of other illnesses that need to be addressed. Push him to do this for his health as well as your joint well being.

[EmmieG11]

I had never really considered that it could be an illness before. Thank you. I will try to encourage him for his health.

[Windmillwhirl]

This might be a helpful read:

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9122-sexual-dysfunction-in-males

[VenusTiger]

he is just as frustrated as I am and says he will go to the GP

So, it's possible @EmmieG11 there's a medical or hormonal reason OP and nothing to do with his sex drive at all?

Make an appointment for both of you and tell DP you're going to go together and discuss trying to conceive - with that, you if he can mention his erectile problems....

[VenusTiger]

*you or he can mention...

[EmmieG11]

Thank you for the link. I do wonder if he has some sort of health issue. He’s definitely underweight (but then always has been despite eating well) and is always tired but can’t sleep very well.
Other than that he gets exercise and doesn’t have that bad a diet really so shouldn’t be that way.
I’ve recently been forcing vitamins down him in the hope of improvement.
I also wonder about low testosterone like it says on that link.
Not sure what treatment there is for that problem.

[Smilebehappy123]

Perfectly valid reason to leave
You are not sexually comparable and it wont work. you will always feel not sexy and he will feel under pressure
I firmly believe you have to be on the same wave length with sex or else it wont work

[GetTheSprinkles]

I'm genuinely shocked at everyone telling you to leave. Sex is just one of many parts of a fulfilling relationship. If you wrote to say you didnt love him or he didnt love you, now that I would understand.
And the fact that he wants to have a baby is very reassuring (assuming you do too).
Personally, sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship for me... I guess the question is, is it for you?

[EmmieG11]

I think I would agree about leaving due to lack of compatibility if it came to any other issue but for some reason I feel that sex shouldn’t be that important. Most couples I know who have been together a long while don’t have sex anyway (although it is usually the women’s choice not to) so I sort of feel like I would be destined to have no sex eventually regardless of who I was with.
However I’m obviously in two minds about it. And I’m struggling to understand why actually, in reality it is bothering me. Because until now I’ve always had the view that sex is not important, I’d quite happily go without and it dries up eventually anyway as the relationship progresses!

The other thing is, I’m really not sure I would want sex if I wasn’t with him.
He’s made comments about me getting sex from elsewhere if I want to. I do think he wasn’t serious and just saying it to ease the awkwardness but I have since been in positions where I could have had casual sex with other men but I wasn’t too fussed because at the end of the day, they weren’t him!

[EmmieG11]

It is interesting and useful for me to get such different views. Some saying end the relationship and some saying I should stick at it.
It’s reassuring to see people condoning a relationship ending with sex being the only reason and is even more reassuring to know that some people feel it is worth staying in the relationship and trying to resolve it or accept it and appreciate the other good parts of the relationship.

The baby thing hasn’t been taken lightly either. He’s been very reluctant because he’s overly cautious about such a big decision so it’s taken him until now to decide that it’s a good idea and both of us have been weighing it up in our heads since we met.

I do actually believe him when he says he loves me and finds me attractive but without the sex, I can’t help feeling like we’re “just mates”.

[AgentJohnson]

Your previous experience with sex in a relationship needs to be work through because it’s a major contribution in staying in a relationship with someone you’re not sexually compatible with.

This is not going to get better, end it now, or hang around for inevitable devastating corrosive effects of resentment and guilt.

You settled but you’ve moved on and outgrown the underlying reasons for settling in the first place.

[AgentJohnson]

This isn’t about him, this is about you.

[PicsInRed]

He wants a baby now as he senses you will leave and he needs to trap you.

That's all.