Lack of sex is getting to me! 😢

[EmmieG11]

Looking for advice as not sure what to do but feeling really crap!

Been with my partner now for just over 3 years. He’s 33 and I’m 35. When we first met it was clear I was the one with the higher sex drive (and mine really isn’t that high!). He was never very adventurous or spontaneous and it was only ever missionary position! Never ever any oral sex!

I liked him so much that I didn’t mind and continued the relationship. Even though sex was technically boring it was in some ways the best I’d ever had because of my feelings for him. Now things have got worse. He never instigates sex and when it does start he either has trouble keeping an erection or getting one in the first place. So now we haven’t had sex for around 3 months. He works away and I always imagine that usually men in his position would be desperate to come home after a few weeks and have sex but he clearly doesn’t think about it!

The thing that upsets me the most about it is that before I met him I was in an unhappy marriage where one of the big issues was me not wanting sex with him. He would get angry about it. I would get upset and stressed about it and I would quietly wish for a man with no sex drive!
When our marriage ended I suddenly wanted sex. I then met my current partner and now I’m in the position my ex husband was in. Feeling unattractive and unwanted. So I start to think he hates me in the way I hated my ex husband. Can’t help thinking I got what I wished for!

On the other hand he is affectionate (probably more so than I am to him) and is a very good partner in all other ways. He’s recently spoken about us trying for a baby in a few months but I’m wondering how he thinks that’s going to happen because at this rate I’ll need to be artificially inseminated!

I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him forever but not sure I can continue a life like this!
Never thought lack of sex would bother me ever as it’s always been at the bottom of my priorities. Perhaps I only want it because I can’t have it?

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Sex is only one component of a marriage BUT it is that special part that differentiates it from other friendships . Having been in a relatively sexless marriage for a long time I now realise just how important it actually is . My now H and I have a very good sex life and it brings us together in all kinds of ways outside of the bedroom .

Don't settle because you have 3 years invested.
Don't settle because you are a certain age and want a baby .
If it's like this now it is only going to get worse.

[Insaneinthemembury]

Only 3 years in and sex every 3 months? That's quite unusual. I'm only going by my friends and what they say... but every 3 months is bad even for a 10 year+ marriage.
My point being if it's this bad now it could end up being completely sexless very soon and then what?
I need sex for intimacy, connection and to feel loved. So like you it's important to me. I'd really struggle with feel undesired and unattractive as well. I'd end up starting to want attention from others, just to feel attractive (really not the way to go, I know)
If he goes to the Gp then I'd stay. If he wont go then I'd leave. It's only been 3 years and your staring down 40 years of no sex

[MiseryChastain27]

I am in a very similar position to you. We probably dtd once a month although recently it's not even been that. I relate to what you're saying about average sex being great sex purely because of your feelings for your partner. It makes it doubly frustrating when you love someone that much and such a crucial part of physical intimacy isn't happening.

My dp claims he has low libido. He also has viagra on prescription so it's probably a combination of lack of desire and performance issues that cause our irregular sex life. If your dp is struggling to perform of course he'll be reluctant to do it for fear of embarrassment or letting you down. Can you find other ways to be intimate and build his confidence?

You will get a lot of 'leave him it'll never work' comments on this thread. But we both know that when you love someone and everything else is good it can seem extremely shallow to end a good relationship over sex. It really does depend how important it is to you. I've learned to live with my situation but it does get to me sometimes. Other people wouldn't be able to manage it. So I guess you need to decide what you're happy with and go from there. It really does help to be able to have honest communication about it too but if your dp is anything like mine he'll probably shy away from it.

[Chocmallows]

Check there are no underlying health issues, if not, and he thinks it's normal, end as you aren't compatible.

[madcatladyforever]

It sounds as though he either has a medical problem or is asexual.
He needs to work it out quick as his relationship is on the line and the GP will not judge, they don't care, they have seen it all before.
I'm asexual and although I will have sex with boyfriends I have no interest in it at all and would never instigate it.
It took me 50 years to work it out. I hope it doesn't take him that long.
There is a website AVEN.

[NameChangeNugget]

Sex every 3 months says absolutely pointless relationship.

Bin him off

[beautifulstranger101]

Of course sex isn't the be all and end all BUT...

There is a saying (from a sex therapist) that when sex is good in a relationship, its 20% of the relationship but when its bad, its 80% of the relationship and I think thats whats happening to you now.
You say its "just sex" but sex isn't just the physical act- it releases hormones in your brain that bonds you to your partner, its also about intimacy and feeling close to someone not to mention feeling desirable- who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt feel desired? its a huge turn off and it will seep into other areas of the relationship. Thats why you cannot compartmentalise "sex" and put it in a box and say its not important - it is important and it WILL affect other aspects of the relationship. You are still young- and you only get one chance at life, do you really want to spend it in a sex-less relationship? think about when you are 80 and looking back at your life- do you really want to have such a huge regret that you missed out on an important part of life?

Dont have a baby with this man and I'd be seriously considering if I could put up with this for the rest of my life.

[Peanutbuttermouth]

He's underweight despite eating well, he can't sleep despite being tired, he has no sex drive...that sounds like a medical issue to me. I had an overactive thyroid and these were my main symptoms.

[Scott72]

Although reading through your first post I think I get your dilemma. You give the impression your interest in sex is normally very low. If you find a man with a more average sex drive, he could be the one in your current position having to deal with frustration. And it could be his lack of interest is somehow increasing your own interest. No easy answers here unfortunately.

[lavitaedura]

Yes I think it is embarrassing for him and also it’s just a cycle you get into where something goes wrong once and then the next time you’ll start overthinking it and getting stressed about it. So I think he is caught in that cycle now.

I suffered from ED for around a year or so and the pressure before sex with the thoughts that its 'going to happen again' are self-fulfiling.

I went to see the GP and she did a blood test and everything came back normal. Although this was a relief I was half-hoping that they would find something medical. The clear case, for me anyway, was psychological and given that I was struggling at work the two seemed aligned. My DW did not pressure me but honestly I looked for signs of her disappointment and maybe I made a connection between her expression and disappointment that really was not there. I did not want reassurance from my DW as that would just increase the pressure. Talking about it just made it worse and like anything else it has to come from the person with regard to making lifestyle changes (if indeed that is the issue here).

I started early morning cycling and got fresh air, exercise and exposure to nature. I changed my diet and had some moderate weight loss (I was not really overweight). I left work and putting it all together the ED was resolved to the ridiculous point now that I would say I wake up 5 nights out of 7 with 1 or 2 errections. I don't complain at all but some nights I could do with out them (the irony). My incredible DW took time out to tease during the week, nothing outrageous just very subtle and she reassured me that she was attracted to me. This was a change as all of our lives I think I said each day that she looked good, smelled good etc. It was not something she ever really did. We both did not realise that men also need validation. Initially being a typical man I brushed off the compliments but over time they did seep in and made me feel better about myself. She also became much more 'touchy feely' when I got out of the shower for example but once again more subtle with a display that she desired me.

Throughout the year I dreaded sex and just wanted to get it over with. I did not initiate and did what I could to avoid it, claiming tiredness, not feeling well etc.

As you can see it was not a single issue but a whole raft of things. I mention all of this in case any of it rings a bell with your partner. In my experience there are not quick fixes.

Good luck

[ManxomeFoe]

If your relationship is otherwise good then surely leaving should be a last resort? There are loads of things to try first.
Is he suffering particularly with stress? If he's tired and not sleeping well then maybe he's too exhausted for sex? Definitely worth seeing the GP to rule out medical reasons, especially if he's otherwise affectionate to you.
Maybe he feels under pressure when you instigate it because he's had issues with ED in the past, so he panics in case it happens again and then of course it does.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive but could you schedule it so he can sort of build up to it during the day and get in the right headspace? It's unromantic I know, but it's worked for me in the past... so you have a proper chat with him about it and agree that for example Saturday night is sex night. Then you maybe go for a nice walk together in the afternoon, both have a shower and shave when you get in, put on nice underwear and have a lovely meal together or do whatever gets you in the mood, and because you both already know sex is on the agenda there's no awkwardness about someone having to instigate it? Then once you're in the habit of doing it once a week it's easier to get back to being spontaneous about it.

[EmmieG11]

@Peanutbuttermouth thank you, I’ve just looked at the symptoms and he literally has all of them! I think people just assume he’s meant to be underweight because all the men in his family are tall and slim but I’ve always felt it wasn’t right and I panic if he hasn’t eaten a proper meal because I worry he will lose even more weight!

[mamato3lads]

OP

No advice just a hand hold as I'm in the same position....I want sex but only with my DH. ..who is always tired or at work or feeling unwell. We talk....it makes him feel worse....so I pull it back and lie. Say everything is ok. But it isn't. I cant understand....he compliments me all.day every day says how sexy I am etc etc but actual sex wears him out to the point I either dont get any or I am rolled on my side because it's easy for him. Cant even see him!

I find it distressing but I love this man. I have been with him 18 years and would never leave. He is an amazing husband and one of life's genuine good guys. Just never horny! Wasnt always like this....its been about 18 months and despite his reassurances I have found it soul destroying

Dont leave him. You love him very much, that's clear. Help him. Go to the doctors. Compliment him. Tease him. Build up his self esteem if u can. Whatever works. Nothing may work for a while....but keep trying. Good luck to you xxx

[EmmieG11]

Mamato3lads thank you for your comment. Good to hear from someone in the same position!
It’s the same for me in the fact he’s a genuine good guy like yours and they are hard to come by!
I think I should encourage the GP, particularly as I’m now thinking it might be a thyroid thing!
Also, you’re right that I should be more affectionate and complimentary to him as he is to me but because I get quite angry and upset about the sex thing I tend to withhold affection due to resentment and I think “why should you get all the affection that you want when you’re not giving me what I want?” It’s a childish way to think but I can’t help those thoughts and feelings.

I hope that because it’s only been 18 months out of the long time you’ve been together, that it gets better for you too. X

[VerySale]

I was in a long sexless relationship (my instigation tbh although we didn't exactly set the world on fire before and I got bored quickly). I always said it wasn't important and not the be all and end all. I just wasn't bothered. Until my drive started returning but I still didn't want my partner. Ultimately I didn't want sex with him not I didn't want sex. I knew I wasn't attracted to him although kept trying to deny it butI couldn't bring myself to have sex with him.

We split eventually and I'm with someone else who I am much more compatible with and now I can see why people say it is important in a relationship. I'm so much more comfortable about it too whereasI just felt a bit awkward before.

He may have a health issue, and I'd definitely incourage him to get this checked (without false promises) but I also think a lot of people who are in relationships and are not interested in sex are not interested in sex with that person.

[VerySale]

Encourage not incourage

[EmmieG11]

@VerySale I agree with you there because that’s exactly what my situation was with the ex husband. So I have tried to explore that with him because it was my first thought, that its me and not him. I’ve even started to wonder if he’s gay!
But he denies all this, says it’s nothing to do with me and that he’s always been a bit like it, it’s just got worse recently. I don’t know, it could still be the reason but he tends to still show that he is attracted to me in other ways with lots of affection and compliments (which I did not give to the ex husband in case it made him think sex was on the cards!) and strangely, if you knew us you’d think he was the one who was more attracted to me than me to him by the way we behave!

[CandyFlossSkies]

You only realise the importance of something until it's not there anymore. Mismatched sex drives or sexual expectations is such a common point of contention between couples that it's made me think that it's one of the mist important things to get right, other than the other basics. I've seen so many people posting that they're 40 years old and the lack of sex has become a huge strain on the relationship. The person without enough sex is left feeling unwanted, undesired, frustrated, resentful and the person who doesn't want sex that often feels pestered, uncomfortable and sometimes undervalued.

[ukgift2016]

A man at 33 should not be having erection difficulties. He should go to his GP to get his hormones checked. This may be a simple issue which could be solved.

The fact he is happy to bumble on and has not seeked medical advice is concerning. To me, a deal breaker would not be because of the lack of sex but the lack of willingness of the partner to try and find a solution to the problem.

[Leuven]

Definitely encourage him to go to his GP. It may be something as simple as a low testosterone level.
Of course it may not be, but a good GP will be able to suggest options.
I’ve had ED issues in the past my GP the was very helpful

[EmmieG11]

@crestar I think you’ve misinterpreted what I’ve said. Firstly I didn’t leave my ex husband because he wanted sex and I didn’t. I left him because he was aggressive and emotionally abusive! Also, yes although I feel like it’s a bit of karma. The reason I wouldn’t have sex with my ex was because he was horrible to me, so I disliked him very much. So I don’t feel it was my being deliberately difficult or nasty to him. Not really something that deserves karma!

I have also expressed how much I do sympathise with my current partner because I know how it feels to not be up for it.
I would say it’s not all about me actually, because if it was, I would have left a long time ago!
Rather than feeling sorry for myself as you state, I have asked for people’s opinions and it’s actually been pretty useful as now I have some ideas about what could be causing it and what could be done to help the matter.

[lavitaedura]

because I get quite angry and upset about the sex thing I tend to withhold affection due to resentment and I think “why should you get all the affection that you want when you’re not giving me what I want?”

Resentment is not attractive.

[busybarbara]

I think if we had to sit through that the end result would be that I don’t want sex anymore! Hmmm... at least that would solve the problem!

This can happen! There is a lot more to life than sex and if you eventually no longer require it, you can live a very happy and peaceful life.

[Boopeedoop]

I'd definitely advocate a trip to the GP. He does sound like he more likely has a health issue.

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