Lack of sex is getting to me! 😢

[EmmieG11]

Looking for advice as not sure what to do but feeling really crap!

Been with my partner now for just over 3 years. He’s 33 and I’m 35. When we first met it was clear I was the one with the higher sex drive (and mine really isn’t that high!). He was never very adventurous or spontaneous and it was only ever missionary position! Never ever any oral sex!

I liked him so much that I didn’t mind and continued the relationship. Even though sex was technically boring it was in some ways the best I’d ever had because of my feelings for him. Now things have got worse. He never instigates sex and when it does start he either has trouble keeping an erection or getting one in the first place. So now we haven’t had sex for around 3 months. He works away and I always imagine that usually men in his position would be desperate to come home after a few weeks and have sex but he clearly doesn’t think about it!

The thing that upsets me the most about it is that before I met him I was in an unhappy marriage where one of the big issues was me not wanting sex with him. He would get angry about it. I would get upset and stressed about it and I would quietly wish for a man with no sex drive!
When our marriage ended I suddenly wanted sex. I then met my current partner and now I’m in the position my ex husband was in. Feeling unattractive and unwanted. So I start to think he hates me in the way I hated my ex husband. Can’t help thinking I got what I wished for!

On the other hand he is affectionate (probably more so than I am to him) and is a very good partner in all other ways. He’s recently spoken about us trying for a baby in a few months but I’m wondering how he thinks that’s going to happen because at this rate I’ll need to be artificially inseminated!

I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him forever but not sure I can continue a life like this!
Never thought lack of sex would bother me ever as it’s always been at the bottom of my priorities. Perhaps I only want it because I can’t have it?

[Cheeseandwin5]

@crestar
Agreed

Hopefully the OP will now understand what she put her ex through.
I assume the lack of sex and the rejection made him angry and seemingly to you abusive.
Understand that you will probably be the same if things continue.

[Sugartitss]

This will never ever change, speaking from experience here.

[EmmieG11]

@Cheeseandwin5 I can only assume you and @crestar are some sort of trolls and want to create a reaction, unless you are lacking intelligence and don’t understand how domestic abuse works. To be making such presumptions when you don’t know what really happened makes you a troll I guess.
FYI, the aggression from the ex started way before the sex stopping. But sorry, I didn’t realise you were there at the time and know better than me.

Interesting that you’re trying to turn my original post into something to make me look like the bad guy. Weird.

I won’t feel bad though. Because I know I’m not in the wrong. So nice try.

[mamato3lads]

@Cheeseandwin5 @crestar

You either can't read and therefore have problems understanding what the OP has said or you're just a pair of twats trying to provoke a reaction, for kicks. Sad cases.

[lavitaedura]

If you are able I would suggest trying to lose the bad feeling, look at his positives and try to cultivate a more relaxed attitude. You can work on yourself much easier than your partner.

It is not easy of course as the resentment is difficult to shake but the thing about resentment is that you take it to bed with you, you take it on holiday and you take it to work. You are in a unique situation in that you have seen it from both sides therefore it may be easier to give up on the bad feeling and from your posts you do seem that you are able to see this as well.

I wish you the best of luck and I am sure it will all be worth it (fingers crossed)

[EmmieG11]

@mamato3lads thank you! Twats is the word I was thinking!

[EmmieG11]

@lavitaedura thank you for your wise words. Definitely trying not to let the resentment take over and to chill out a bit!

[Chocmallows]

OP, you've had lots of sensible advice, some people are bored and will twist things for kicks. It's good you can see through those posts.

You aren't in the wrong for wanting regular sex, you just need to gently find out more - are the issues physical, psychological, or simply his preference. Then the next steps will be clearer.

[ButteredGhost]

I'm in a bit of a similar situation. The difference is my DP doesn't have ed problems, he just has a low sex drive.

My ex partner had a really high sex drive and it was honestly horrible. He would pester me for it literally constantly, all the pleasure was gone for me. He would want it three times a day, each time involving his fetishes and lasting for hours. If I ever said no thanks, he would just nag, argue, pester or beg.

So when I got together with my current partner, I thought - great! But of course it's the opposite problem. Back then not wanting it 3x per day for hours made me very unreasonable (in ex's opinion). Now wanting it 1x per week makes me very unreasonable, 1x per year is more than enough. You can't win.

I've decided to stay because it's something I can deal with. I also often think back to my horrible time with ex and all the times I was gritting my teeth and/or crying hoping for it to end soon. But everyone is different and it's not unreasonable for you to say that you can't get past it, so you two are incompatible.

[AverageGuy]

op
I was in a very similar situation with my XW, and yes, we did divorce because of the mis-match (I have a high sex drive, she has / had almost none...)

We talked a lot about the situation, and she also suggested going elsewhere, which I considered, but decided wasn't for me. After exploring other options, none of which would work for us as a couple, we decided to split. I'm a lot older than you, so I'm finding it VERY difficult to meet up with anyone, never mind someone with a similar sex drive, so be warned.

I really think you need a serious talk with him, and explain how it's making you feel. Tell him you love him, and want to be with him, but the lack of sex is driving you nuts, and something needs to be done.

As a pp said, at his age, there should be no issues getting and maintaining an erection, but Viagra is available without prescription now, so maybe worth a few quid to see if it helps?

I'm quite surprised no-one has asked about porn, or suggested you buy some toys....

[Tennapenny]

You've had some great advice OP, my honest opinion would be to check out possible medical reasons for now before throwing yourself out of the frying pan and into the fire.

We can be so frustrating as humans with our emotions, wanting what we can have etc etc but can you picture yourself leaving this otherwise wonderful man and ending up in the same situation you were with with you ex husband and resenting the pressure to have sex again on your part?! I think you'd be kicking yourself!

Good relationships are not easy to find and I don't believe the absolute perfect relationship exists.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Have you ever wondered if he’s gay OP?

[EmmieG11]

@ButteredGhost I really sympathise when it comes to the ex! Sounds just like mine!
And as you say, you find the one person you want to have sex with and they hardly want it! Typical!!

[EmmieG11]

@AverageGuy porn/toys would be a definite no go!! As said in my first post, he’s a bit boring/prudish when it comes to sex regardless of whether he can get it up or not!

@AtrociousCircumstance and yes, I have thought about it and confronted him with that theory many times. He denies it. Don’t think I’ll ever be convinced otherwise but nothing I can do to prove/disprove it right now.

However, I do have news. Weirdly, after posting this issue just this week. He returned home from a week away at work and we managed to get it on this weekend!! That’s the first time in 3 months!
Think we’ve turned a bit of a corner and also think the success this weekend was partly down to me being a lot nicer (rather than resentful) and very affectionate throughout the day!

Thanks for (almost) everyone’s posts. I got some good advice about the health related stuff and some some thought provoking words about relationships in general and how to look at it from a different perspective.

[Heartburn888]

End it. I haven’t had sex for going on a year now and I don’t even bother asking my partner anymore because he will find a pathetic excuse (headache, his legs hurts,tired)

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Totally get the unwanted bit too. Is he using porn? My partner does and it riles me that he would rather use porn than have sex with his willing girlfriend

[ittakes2]

It could be he has low testosterone he should get it checked. He can speak to a doctor over the phone if he feels more comfortable.

[DBML]

I’ve been with my husband 25 years nearly and we still have regular sex...at least 2 times a week. This isn’t really enough for me, I prefer to have sex daily, but I’ll tolerate twice a week.

We went through a patch where sex dwindled to once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. I was miserable and felt rejected. DH did see his GP and was diagnosed with low testosterone. Since having treatment there’s been a lot of improvement, not just in frequency, but in erection ‘quality’ and enthusiasm too.

I’m glad I didn’t leave because sometimes with help, these things can be sorted fairly easily! Could I have lived with a dwindling sex life though? No. Some people are fine with little to no sex, I’m clearly not one of those people.

[DBML]

Just to add, my husband was mid thirties when we discovered his low T.