Should i leave my wife if i still love her?

[UnsureHusband]

Where do I start?

Im posting on here after reading some other threads in the hope that I get some similar honest and non judgemental feedback.

Ive been with my wife for 18 years married for 14 and we have 3 kids at Primary school.
I love her but dont feel like im in love with her any more. we dont argue much and we treat each other well but the spark just isnt there. However she is my best friend and i am absolutely torn about what to do.
For some time now ive felt like i want a life of my own, i want to go "do me". But dont mistake that with seeing other people because Im not interested in that.
At the moment we are ships in the night as i work days and she works nights and any free time we have together we do a family or couple thing. On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling.

Im so lost i dont know what to do, if i leave her i would break her heart. We would both only get half of our kids time however it does feel like sometimes we are 2 singles parents living together at the moment.
Im worried how she would cope. Im worried how it will affect our kids and what they would think of me.

Do i stay for another 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesnt seem right, id be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life. Whos needs do i prioritize first? Mine, hers, the kids?

The biggest confusing thing in all this is i do love my wife and i really dont know what to do.
Any help from anyone thats been in a similar situation appreciated

If I'm honest op it sounds like you have left in your head. You have thought out when and how you can see your dc's.
Sorry if I'm wrong, however I had this from my ex. He wanted his own place and the illusion of a 'better' life... 10 years later he has a room in a shared house, as he can't afford anything better. The rest of the house he lives in are students.. he is now 47...rarely sees the children and is very lonely and unhappy.

He says now he thought he would have a bachelor pad and a care free life!
I'm not suggesting this would be your out come .. but the saying the grass isn't always greener is true.
Our dcs are mid and late teens now and don't want to see him much.
Be careful what you wish for.. like you he 'loved me" but wasn't in love with me!🙄

I have a home the love of my children. Great friends and now doing a post graduate. She will move on and you may regret it all. Are you happy to risk it all? Can you afford a property over your own and maintenance.. and have money over for 'you'?

Having got together with your OH so young, I can imagine it must now, at this tricky point, be harder to have a sense of when the relationship felt right - what made it right - and therefore what’s gone wrong.

In your shoes, i‘d go for a few sessions of counselling to try to better articulate your life story to yourself, and to understand more about this feeling that something's missing. I’d also try couples counselling. That way, you‘ll be better placed to make good decisions.

I don‘t know what the answer is, but I do think that you aren‘t going to regret talking this through with a professional and doing your best to make your life work better for you in other ways. Even if you did end up splitting up, you‘d at least know you‘d worked through all the other options.

Does your wife still feel the spark for you? Does she still adore you romantically?

I think you need clarity about what you actually want.

Because you're not going to have any more me time or freedom or anything really. You say you don't want to have a relationship with anyone else but your post does scream that you do. And that's OK as long as you spilt up first. But life with three little kids and working parents is dull, boring, tiring and a bit bleak. It gets better if you wait it out.

I suspect you will have even less time for yourself if you separated. Think about it: more expensive to run 2 households, extra travel time to pick up kids, more complicated scheduling (plus remembering whose house the football kit is at...). If you did separate, it is likely either your work would suffer or your kids would get less of your time.

What do you think you would get out of separating - given that you are likely to get even less time to yourself and less money?

Surely it’s more practical for either or both of you to change jobs, or schedule time to do a hobby or get counselling/couple time to try and re-kindle a spark?

Another one whose “D”H wasn’t just happy being a good enough husband and father, who found family life not harmonious enough. He didn’t have enough time to do “him”. Obviously he had an affair. It has caused our two young primary aged children a huge amount of damage, let alone the hell he put me through.

Up until a year ago we were fairly happy. He didn’t have the balls to say anything to me about how unhappy he was. I wish he had, I would have done anything to try save our marriage. My girls and I adored him.

As it stands, we are relocating internationally to be closer to family. He is staying here. I suspect in the long run the children will clock just how selfish he was during this period.

"If we didnt have kids i think we would have seperated long ago."

But you said you loved her? Those two statements contradict themselves.

Sounds like you married way too young and then had children without thinking it out??

I don't think that a midlife crisis is a separate thing. These are feelings that a lot of us have at mid life or in general now and again. ;Am I missing out?' Or 'I've missed out on X,Y,Z.'

As to time to yourself, I think if you talked to your wife she might well understand, and arrange ways for you to have that time.

Some of this is pure escapism-in these fantasies you escape to another, quieter and simpler life (and escapism's fine!)

I agree with the poster who suggested therapy. In that time you would be able to consider how you feel as much as you want, and focus on yourself- in a way, it's a kind of intensified time to yourself.

Sounds like you married way too young and then had children without thinking it out?

Yes and now the going has got slightly tough (as it will do with 3 kids!) your reaction is to cut loose, destroy your family, your children's happiness.

Talk to your wife, try and resolve things, work at it, put the effort in.

Oh and be careful what you wish for.

I think you need to talk to her, see if there is a way to fit in some "me time" and maybe also some couple time too. It's very hard to maintain a relationship well when you have kids and busy schedules. I think you don't sound certain that you want to leave her... I mean it doesn't come across as though your unhappiness stems from her in particular, more from your lifestyle. Perhaps I am wrong.

You say
You love her
Shes your best friend
We dont argue really
You are both working anti social hours.

If shes your best friend how come you're not talking?

Think seriously about this. Best friends talk, stay in contact, chat about anything and everything.

You are not talking to her, and...

i want a life of my own

You want a life of your own, yet want a wife and family? I'm

This is your life of your own.

Did you make a fundamental mistake in choosing this? It can be relentless, and it sounds like you both work too much.

Can you pare back some hours? Stop working saturdays. This way at least you both get one full weekend together, and can alternate Saturdays and Sundays for free time.

You must be reasonably well established financially after setting up together what, 18 years?

You both need to make room for family time and alone time and couple time.

If you neglect putting energy into being a couple what couple is there?

I'm not.sure I'm convinced you want to be part of a family any more.

Its easy to cast around and think others lives look more appealing, from the outside.

If the single life is what you want then do tell your wife sooner than later. She will want to get on with it and deserves to know so she can makes her own plans and prepare the dc.

You do have what you wanted, but maybe you don't want it anymore?

What if you discovered that she has spent the last many months steeling herself to leave you and take the dc, and had somewhere lined up to go to,and you couldn't change her mind, and that very soon she would be gone.

Would that feel like it would solve your problem for you?

i often get up between 4- 5 Am in the morning - even as a single father - just so I can have some single time to myself - be it working in the garage - reading a book in peace - go for a run -

Sometimes you have to think outside the box - your own health and fitness is a good starting point - feeling good about yourself will inturn help you feel good about your family your wife your children.

I get it - ITs totally hard - you have been together for so long - YOU will get your time - you have to just have patience and faith in what you two are doing -

Making small changes can be done - but communicate together and work it out -

You obviously love her and she loves you - you have just lost that connection - that spark - try reading 8 Dates on kindle for 4.99 Make sure you have YOUR time together but also time apart too.

Good luck and hope it helps...

Well I have a good friend whose DH has just left because he needed to 'do him' but she is now 50 and struggling to work out how to start her life again. If you want to get out don't wait until your wife is older and will struggle to find someone else to replace you with. Or, you could grow up and put your kids and wife first and realise your not 20 anymore as it will be dawn on you when you move out and some other guy is pushing your kids on the swings and taking them for ice creams.

You say you have no interest in finding somebody else.

What do you want to gain by “doing you”. What do you want to do?

Why can’t you do any of that as a husband? You’re a father, you chose to have these kids and you chose to get married. What did you really think life would be like? I honestly think you’ll regret it if you leave right now. Life is what you make of it - spend time together as a couple and just as important, spend time separately! It’s not your wife’s fault that you feel guilty over doing that.

"Doing you" is you wanting to fuck around, your not fooling anyone here.

I think your just a knob and for this post alone your wife should leave and find an actual best friend.

I’m going through this with my DH. He gave me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line and it’s wrecked everything. I’m finding it impossible to move on from that. Once it’s said it can’t be unsaid. It’s made me start thinking “oh well I’d best get myself sorted to prepare to leave him then”. I’ve emotionally detached because why wouldn’t I and I now feel hugely resentful. If you want to sow that seed then go ahead but be warned, like me, she might decide she’s no longer interested in you too

donethinkin

I never said to her I did not love her - I just had no answer to the question "what happens if you die" apart from I have a will and the house goes to the boys - The reply then was "what about me?"

I had no answer to that -

She was comparing our relationship to a married couple with children were the wife lost the husband at 42

It has no bearing on our relationship - it made her think about her own security - and wanting me her boyfriend - to provide for that -

Maybe I would of done had we discussed it before moving in - FAIL 1

She has not contributed towards any Bills (apart from the TV licence as I refuse to watch TV her choice)

So I am sorry you think your in the same boat - but your not you have become detached - Has point blanky said he does not love you -

Which is really sad for you I get that - maybe you need time apart to re evaluate what you want -

Good luck and keep strong -

Yes I sowed the seed of - Im packing your bags and your going back to your parents - she is 50 - they are 70 -

After another make up break up cycle of "thats it we are finished"

I took control as I had reached my tipping point - I needed no warning - its protecting yourself and your children first -

Sorry if this comes across blunt its not meant too-

I then got - the horrid voicemails then weeks later to get - I truly love you again -

I hope this makes sense and if she was not interested she would not be contacting me -

@Jason.. Pretty sure donethinkin was addressing op...

whoops wrong thread sorry

yep sorry how do i delete it

Have you ever considered how DW is feeling? Probably not.
You must have plenty of money to run two homes as well. Do you know anything about family life and what it entails such as commitment and responsibility?
I don't see how you can love DW tbh. Funny way of showing it. In fact it's the YOU show isn't it. How selfish is that

@Jason click report on post and Mumsnet should remove them for you.

If people are honest then most marriages have spells like this. Sadly life isn't all hearts and flowers. You say you don't really argue, are nice to each other and she is your best friend so why not sit down and discuss things with her? For goodness sake don't say you are no longer 'in love with her' but say you feel that your marriage needs some work as you seem to both be so busy that you are in danger of drifting apart.

Tell her how much you care for her and your children and look for a resolution. Tell her you both need some 'me' time, as I can bet the couple of days she isn't working during the week are taken up with housework/shopping etc. Have a date night each month, a special meal (you don't need to go out) take it in turns to cook, even if you have to buy a ready meal from M&S, and sit and chat or watch a film together.

It really sounds like you have a marriage worth working for, so do the work! Stop telling yourself the 'spark has gone'... that's nothing more than a mindset you have thought yourself into.

TBH you both sound a bit burnt out by the amount of work and family commitments. I went through a spell of this with my partner when we were working opposite shifts for a while and rarely saw each other. But we loved each other deeply and made a huge effort to make time spent together quality time and eventually work hours changed. Easier as we didn't have young children but I suspect we both felt much the same as you!

Work for it OP. Don't waste what you have with dissatisfaction, look for a way to change things.