Should i leave my wife if i still love her?

[UnsureHusband]

Where do I start?

Im posting on here after reading some other threads in the hope that I get some similar honest and non judgemental feedback.

Ive been with my wife for 18 years married for 14 and we have 3 kids at Primary school.
I love her but dont feel like im in love with her any more. we dont argue much and we treat each other well but the spark just isnt there. However she is my best friend and i am absolutely torn about what to do.
For some time now ive felt like i want a life of my own, i want to go "do me". But dont mistake that with seeing other people because Im not interested in that.
At the moment we are ships in the night as i work days and she works nights and any free time we have together we do a family or couple thing. On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling.

Im so lost i dont know what to do, if i leave her i would break her heart. We would both only get half of our kids time however it does feel like sometimes we are 2 singles parents living together at the moment.
Im worried how she would cope. Im worried how it will affect our kids and what they would think of me.

Do i stay for another 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesnt seem right, id be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life. Whos needs do i prioritize first? Mine, hers, the kids?

The biggest confusing thing in all this is i do love my wife and i really dont know what to do.
Any help from anyone thats been in a similar situation appreciated

Thanks again everyone i cant tell you how relieving it is to hear some opinions on this even if they are giving me a hard time.
Its been rattling round my head for months.

Given that she has a couple of days a week to herself, could you do something one evening a week when she's not working? Presumably she's catching up on sleep so it's not couple time anyway? I can see the 1 weekend needs to be family time, could you squash a date night in there too? Are the kids old enough not to need a babysitter?

I can see why you might feel as you do, having been together since your early teens. Often relationships like that don't last forever. (Please MNers don't pile on - I said often. We all know someone who got together at 13 and have been together forever...but it is unusual). We all change so much every 7 years of so and if you don't change at the same rate as your partner or have fundamentally different views on some things, couples grow apart.

So, if you separated and had the kids most night and weekends, how would you have time to find yourself?

Do you have any idea of what you would like your life to look like? Maybe you and your wife could talk about what you both want your lives to be like and see if there is much common ground. Do you talk to each other about your hopes and aspirations?

@forumdonkey
If i moved out then i would most likely have the kids 4 nights a week including 3 out of 4 weekends due to OH working patterns.

How old are the children, if they are nesriujg secondary school age life will change positively on that you can leave them alone for a few hours.

When your wife is home in the week do you get the opportunity to go out? What about family, could they babysit for a weekend if you wanted some time away.

Focus in what you need and how you can make it work IN the marriage.

@spiritslevel
When I was writing OP I did wonder if the responses would be any different if it was other way round. But im thankful for everyones honest opinion even if they dont think too well of me.

Does your wife work for the NHS or as a carer? Whatever she does, why can't she change her shifts.
One of the fundamental problems is the daily drudgery getting in the way of spending time together. One of you needs to change their working pattern and, because your DC are young and need someone to take them and pick them up from school, I suggest you both try and work days. There must be a way.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you need time apart. That won't re-ignite the spark in your relationship. More time apart will more than likely lead to a wider chasm. You need to spend more time with your wife to re-ignite the spark.

It sounds like you just need some "me time" which is actually fine. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Such as playing footie or going to the gym a few times per week? Would that interest you and fit into your families schedule? And if so, could you and your wife agree that you both get a few hours of me time each per week?
DH and I have a similar set up to you; shift workers who barely see each other during the week. Saturday mornings hubby plays football and I then do my thing on a Saturday afternoon for a few hours when he's back (gym or beauty appointments etc). Saturday evening and all Sunday is family time and we just make the most of it.

Ah, so you had children young, that makes it easier to understand why you feel trapped and that life is passing you by and also that it sounds as you really don't get any 'you' time. You really need to sit down with your wife and explain that you need some time to yourself and see if you can work something out. I don't think you would gain anything at this stage leaving. Being a parent is hard, the good news is that once the kids are young adults you and your wife will still be young enough to do lots of the stuff you missed out on. Not sure if that helps, but might be worth considering before you jump ship.

Running away from problems is not the solution here @UnsureHusband. If she's your best friend and wife of 18 years, I am sure she knows how you're feeling. A few things you mentioned here:

1. You have 3 DC in primary
2. Your DW work nights.
3. The spark is gone
4. You love her.

Your DC are still very young meaning they require more attention so I am sure your DW is doing everything to ensure they are cared for. It is not an easy task and I am sure you know that. Maybe, appreciate her and help her (I am sure you do) a bit more so that she can get some time to give you and herself some attention? Of course, your DC will be heartbroken but I would not suggest to put on a show for them. Instead try truly to fix your relationship to have a healthy life and family.

I think this is a big one as when you come home, DW is not there. Something (that spark) which is very important here is missing. You are not coming to each other to bed as she's working at night and you're alone in bed. Bed is not only for sex in my honest opinion. I hope you understand what I mean. My DH and I have made a habit of cuddling with each other on bed once we get home from work. I lay in his arms, we talk about work and whatever else and sometimes we close our eyes and just be thankful for it (the moment). Can she work days? Maybe suggest to change jobs if possible or look for day work in the same job?

Try to work on bringing the spark back. Why not? She is your DW. Someone you dearly love. For me, communication is significantly important. Talk and talk more. Even if it turns into an argument. Calm down and talk again. Bring discussions to closure and bring out the best resolution that works for both of you. DH and I have made a compromise that once every week, we both will watch movie of each other's choice. Lets say my DH wants to watch a action sci-fi movie but it his week, I will suck it up and watch it with him. Same goes for him, if I wanna watch a cheeky rom-com, he will sit through watch it with me. I think it is all about compromise and sacrifice that you make in a relationship/marriage. Find something that doesn't out your DW entirely. You know her better than anyone @UnsureHusband.

I think you love her but maybe you need to be awfully honest with yourself. It could be exhaustion and boredom making you think that you need a break and get away from your DW and marriage? I think for this part, only you have the answer @UnsureHusband. I wish you luck and strength.

@Techway @eddielizzard

The kids have about 8 clubs/sports between them, add in all the birthday parties etc. And life is pretty busy.
I realize everyone is the same and im not complaining as i want the best for my kids.
Think its why im finding this so hard as i feel im staying for the kids so they have a stable life. If we didnt have kids i think we would have seperated long ago.

Im glad i posted this as im now seeing things from loads of different viewpoints even though they dont necessarily help reach a conclusion.

If i moved out then i would most likely have the kids 4 nights a week including 3 out of 4 weekends due to OH working patterns

I can't see how splitting up would help you get some 'you time'. All I can see is you and your DW will be running two households instead of one. I also can't understand why you are crippled with guilt to do something for yourself but you're considering leaving your wife. You say it's not so you can 'galivanting' but do you mean meeting other women. I sense from your post about getting together young, you now feel you've missed out on dating and experiencing other people. Is this what you mean?

Do her a favour and separate, you sound selfish

Do what makes you happy. Life is too short

Yeah, sod the kids and the wife. You go 'do you' so you are happy. Because life is just too short to give a flying fuck about anyone else's happiness, even if they are your wife and children!

Christ, what kind of advice is that!

I'm sure his DC won't hold any grudges that he broke the family up to 'do him' be selfish because you know, life's too short for caring about how that affected their childhoods. I'm sure they'll feel absolutely no resentment or hurt whatsoever

PS. I'm one of 4 offspring of a man who left to 'do him' and he no longer has a relationship with any of us. Just saying...

Honestly, love to read peoples responses. Theyre often so true and raw. I think youve lost yourself in your busy circumstances (happens often) and id put money on the fact your wife is just as lost. I dont think the answer is leaving. Parting will make everything more difficult . And youll be more pressed for time alone as youve explained with urs and hers work shifts. What u need to do is find urself again. Might be hard to find the time and the wife might feel resentful if u just do it for urself. But maybe u can introduce it and try findin a bit of time for each other to dind themselves again. Get a gym membership, go down to the pub... you need to find something that feeds ur soul in order to be able to be present and give ur family ur best. Its easy to get stuck in a rut. Running away is not the answer. Finding time is not easy but youll have to compromise for What matters.

If we didnt have kids i think we would have seperated long ago.

Or, if you hadn’t had children you would have had a lot more time to “do you” while still maintaining an exciting relationship with your wife.

I see this all the time, especially in the Primary/Secondary years. Couples become overloaded and despite best efforts, feel dissatisfied. With themselves, as it turns out, but the relationship gets the blame.

Talk to your wife.

@forumdonkey

Not at all. The last thing I want is to meet someone else. You are maybe missing the point or im crap at trying to explain.
All my adult life ive been an OH - Im now at a point in my life where Im not sure I want to spend the rest of my life as an OH.
Ive not cheated, shes not cheated, theres no 3rd parties involved.

I still love her but not in the same way as i did when we were teens. If we ever did seperate I would absolutely want to remain friends as best we could.

Op, to be frank, having children is crap. I mean, I love my child to pieces, I really do...but life stops being about us and is ALL about them.
Every waking minute you are either getting things ready for them, taking them places or worrying about them etc - it’s not unusual to ‘lose yourself’ because that’s exactly what happens. It’s a sacrifice and not at all easy.
It does get much much better as they get older and now we can leave our son at home whilst we pop out (he’s 14). DH and I are back to doing things for us and we are even planning a holiday without DS! It’s like life has just started again.

The real question is how much do you love your wife?
Are you still attracted to her?
Why do you think you don’t want to be with HER?
What are you hoping to do/achieve without her?
Would you miss her? And finally...
How would you feel if she met someone else, who eventually moved in with her and the kids and lived the life you have now.

Think carefully op. Life is too short to be miserable, but are you truly miserable or just bored?

@UnsureHusband

Midlife crisis alert!!!!

Thread carefully. You might just regret your actions.

You've lacked experiences as an individual OP, also you seem to be doing the lions share without a break

Can she cut back her hours to give you a break?

@Nexa
Yeah that wasnt the best phrase to convey my intentions.
My kids are my priority, hence the struggle in my head at the moment. And if we did seperate I would have them 4 nights a week and 3 out of 4 weekends. I wouldn't be disappearing into the horizon.

Talk to her. Then suggest marriage counselling or sex therapy. Sounds like when you say you’re not in love you mean, there’s no passion there.

Don’t leave. She needs to change her shifts - obviously you can’t change yours else neither of you would see the kids.

Don’t let any of this stay secret or you’ll regret it. You need to talk to her.

Please stay with her.

My parents had an unhappy few years when we were teenagers. My father even once said he’d divorce her if it hadn’t been for their (mutual) belief in the sanctity of marriage.

But they were happy again. And in a lifelong 50 year marriage, persevering through a less happy 5 years, to go onto another happy 20 years after it was totally worth it.

And it saved my sibling and me a lot of heartache too.

The last thing I want

All my adult life ive been an OH

Im now at a point in my life where Im not sure I want to spend the rest of my life as an OH.

If we ever did seperate I would absolutely want to remain friends

im finding this so hard

i want a life of my own

Go on, just leave her. Let the poor woman have the chance to meet someone else less self-absorbed

I'm a woman and in the same boat. We've agreed to separate as I can't live a lie of everything is perfect when it's not. It's not shit but I can't just stay for the kids. I'm not looking for anyone else at all but can't live a lie.
I hope that the kids come to understand this and we are very amicable for now so hopefully the impact on them is limited but who knows?
I don't believe in staying together for everyone's sake. I hope it all works out for you.