Should i leave my wife if i still love her?

[UnsureHusband]

Where do I start?

Im posting on here after reading some other threads in the hope that I get some similar honest and non judgemental feedback.

Ive been with my wife for 18 years married for 14 and we have 3 kids at Primary school.
I love her but dont feel like im in love with her any more. we dont argue much and we treat each other well but the spark just isnt there. However she is my best friend and i am absolutely torn about what to do.
For some time now ive felt like i want a life of my own, i want to go "do me". But dont mistake that with seeing other people because Im not interested in that.
At the moment we are ships in the night as i work days and she works nights and any free time we have together we do a family or couple thing. On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling.

Im so lost i dont know what to do, if i leave her i would break her heart. We would both only get half of our kids time however it does feel like sometimes we are 2 singles parents living together at the moment.
Im worried how she would cope. Im worried how it will affect our kids and what they would think of me.

Do i stay for another 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesnt seem right, id be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life. Whos needs do i prioritize first? Mine, hers, the kids?

The biggest confusing thing in all this is i do love my wife and i really dont know what to do.
Any help from anyone thats been in a similar situation appreciated

@Livelovelearn1
Feeding the soul makes sense. Thanks.

@DBML
Great questions thanks.

@LadyAndiBella
Lol! I dont regret it at all. Ive not got anyone close other than OH that i felt i could talk to so i value everyones opinions.
Midlife crisis is another issue altogether lol.

@UnsureHusband I think Nexa's recent comment would definitely not have been made if you'd been a woman but I wonder if that's projection on that poster's part.

I don't know why you can't just do the things you want to do on the nights you have free now? What sort of thing do you want to go and do? And why put guilt onto yourself for wanting a hobby or some time alone?

@spiritslevel I agree entirely

Thanks for your input @Nexa.
Your opinions are appreciated.

@SummerSazz
Thanks for your input, its reassuring to know that others are going through similar.

spiritslevel I'd say exactly the same regardless of whether OP was male or female. My dad wasn't the only one who went off to 'do him'. After he left my mum decided it was time to re-live her youth. As the eldest of their kids I was left to practically bring my young siblings up while our selfish parents went off to live it up. My relationship with her is also a very low contact one.

You can't just create a family and then decide one day just because you're bored of it now, whether you're the husband or the wife.

You completely need to do both;

Work on finding your own hobbies and interests and mKe friends - book babysitters Mon-Thurs to do this.

Work on reconnecting with your DW on the evenings you have together.

My marriage went through some truly awful times I am still surprised that several years on I have started to be back "in love" with DH, I had arranged a room to rent and was leaving DH and the DC as he was the main carer.

I honestly cannot see how leaving your marriage would solve any of your problems.

I’m not saying stay as you are. Get a life coach. Get couples counselling. Change your job or your working hours or ask your wife to change hers. Spend some time working out what you want your life to look like - is it really single dad with half custody an upset ex and upset children? What’s the positive in that?

You can find a new connection in your marriage or a new passion in life or a new career without leaving your marriage for some vague idea of “finding yourself”.

"in love" - no-one is still "in love" when they have been together 18 years. Their love for each other changes, just as heir life circumstances change - it matures and becomes something different, but no less precious.

I get that you got together and started your family very young, but can you not look at this as an asset? - you will be relatively young when your children have flown the nest and will have lots of time to do things together and apart.

I think your problem is unrealistic expectations. You have a lovely family, a wife you love, your health and strength. But you are wondering if that is enough. It is at this time - treasure it.

So when you said 'til death do us part' what you really meant was 'unless it gets a bit monotonous and too much like hard work because then I'll just split the family up to pursue a few new hobbies'

The time in life with small children must be the hardest for any couple. You have to keep your head down, get through it, support each other and put a bit of effort into keeping that spark alive. Soon you'll be out the other side. Dont underestimate the impact of divorce. Less money, separate xmases for your kids and grandkids, realising you made a huge mistake and hurt the love of your life beyond repair.

Your current life is punishing - working opposite shifts plus your wife working 3/4 weekends a month presumably means that you have the children alone all weekend as she's either sleeping or working, it's no wonder you feel like this.

Is there anyone that can give you a break for a bit over the weekend just so that you can have some time for you and let you get involved in a hobby or something?

OP, I think you do have to find a way of getting some time to yourself and doing a few things that you want to do (what are they?), not just because it is good for you, but because it will probably be good for your family as well.

If you feel your needs aren't met and you don't take steps to do that within the marriage you may end up leaving the marriage which will hurt everyone. This will be difficult territory to negotiate because intiating it can throw up the hints to your wife that all is not well, possibly send her into panic stations, uncertainty, but I think you need to find a way to do it sensitively and whilst trying to reassure her of your commitment to her and your family.

You are both running around facilitating a lot for the kids - but in a few years time will they think that was worth it if their parents have split? You want their best interests - what is ultimately in their best interests? I think they may probably feel that a few less activities for them a week and some more time for you to connect directly with your partner and spend a bit of time to yourself as well, would be ok if it preserved the family.

Who knows what the future holds - the steps you try to take may not be enough, there may be more fundamental issues that mean you are ultimately better apart, but I think you owe it to your wife and family to try to find a way forward within the marriage and communicate your feelings as sensitively and honestly as possible.

Can you take some time.on the one weekend a month that your wife doesn't work to go and do something just for you?

I know you see it as family time but you are seeing your children for 3 full weekends a month already and if half a day on this weekend helps to keep the family together maybe it's worth cutting the family time down for a bit?

@UnsureHusband......you’ve got 3 kids in primary school. The next 10 years or so are going to be wonderful but challenging. It’s good you still feel you love your wife. Please do not think the grass is greener. Unless there’s abuse, splitting up is hard as fuck and you may find you have even less opportunity to “do you”. I had 2 DC under 5 at one point and I swear me and DH barely spoke after 6pm for months. Our way of coping was to take an Night each. One would do the feeding, bathing, putting to bed etc, the next night swap. The other parent would do whatever the duck they wanted (within reason!!). For me it was usually going to cinema. This stopped the kids playing us off against each other and stopped a lot of arguments.

Then they get older and less demanding. You start to have couple time again. Then before you know it you are all out for dinner in the pub having a good laugh.

Please really consider if you truly want to “be you” or if you just need to sort some time out ....for you AND DW.

I would question whether your current mindset isn’t just the result of being emotionally exhausted. Three young kids, full time job, working weekends, spouse on a different schedule of her own altogether - sounds like all the ingredients of burnout. If that resonates, I’m not sure you leaving is going to improve the situation. I can’t see the logistics of that freeing up the mental workload any.

From my p-o-v, family life can be a drudge; especially so when you’re running from pillar to post to give the kids the enriched life you want them to. They get the best - your OH gets the rest and similarly you get the left-overs from her once the kids have had their fill. The only advice I can give is to power through. Kids grow up, become less of a time killer. You get your life back sooner than you think. They don’t have to be old enough to leave home before they stop being a full-time job.

I do get it though. When you’re living full-time for others you can easily ask “what about me” and you don’t have to be a raging narcissist to feel that way. It’s normal.

I haven't rtft so apologies if I've missed sonething vital. This is pretty much exactly what my husband was apparently feeling. He found a solution in an emotionally affair with a married woman at work. It gave him thaty speak and excitement without any effort. He could be a new and wonderful person with her (until of course he realises he's the same person in a different relationship). Fwiw i loved him deeply and truly believe he loved and fancied me but yes - we had fallen into bad habits and roles that meant he saw me as a useful piece of furniture hence why he wad open to the excitement of sonething new.

I honestly believe if he had caught himself at the point you're at and we had gone for couples counselling then instead of once he'd started the affair, both off is put in the time and work needed to get out of those roles and e boy being a couple together then we might have been able to fix things.

As it was he is now living in a room in someone else's house. I have filed for divorce and he is having a lovely time enjoying all his hobbies that he used to whinge he never had time to do whilst I have no time to myself whatsoever and a new life that I never wanted. Whether he'll enjoy his new life so much when he gets further down the line is another matter bit I'll be ok. Just disappointed that i have no respect for or trust in the man who fathered my children.

Do whatever you can to fix your relationship. Abiding love is worth fighting for so much more than some ridiculous 'spark'

I'm the first to say you can and should leave an unhappy marriage if you want.

I think some of your expectations are unrealistic though. Having a "spark" after 20 years together? Not possible. And of course it's not like when you were teenagers. Because you aren't teenagers. Even if you entered a new relationship at this point, you won't feel feel like a teenager again.

im maybe feeling now in my mid 30s that my adult life has always revolved round others

And it still will if you divorce, as you can't divorce your kids. So nothing will change on this front.

You can arrange me time within your marriage without guilt. That's good for everybody.

If you want to have sex with others, just admit it (to yourself, no need to tell your DW this).

Your current life is punishing - working opposite shifts plus your wife working 3/4 weekends a month presumably means that you have the children alone all weekend as she's either sleeping or working, it's no wonder you feel like this

But how would splitting up make it any easier, especially as OP has said he would still be looking after his DC's while his DW is at work? Or does he get to take his kids back to her after a night shift?

There's only one job harder than being a parent and that's being a single parent. I don't know how OP thinks it'll be easier unless he expects to opt out and leave his DW the majority of child care

My husband said “I need to do me” and did. After a few months of being apart he changed his mind. I didn’t - not my username. 4 years and a divorce later he still wants to get back together - realised the grass wasn’t greener and he couldn’t find anything/one else fulfilling.

I’m really pleased we’re divorced. I realised he was selfish and I’m so much happier now - I had a fun time being single again and now I’m with someone new.

This isn’t a post to make you feel bad. This is reality. Work on excitement within your marriage and see if you can find what you’re looking for.

Definitely don’t do the “I love you but not in love with you” line. It’s more insulting than anything else.

All the best.

*note my username

You need to talk to her. I’m pretty sure that she’s feeling exactly the same. Life with children is boring and you lose track of who you are. (I suspect life without children is also boring in a different way). It won’t be easier or less boring if you separate, it’ll be hard work. Or you could decide to invest that hard work in saving your marriage.
I think you do need to consider changing some of your working patterns. I guess I was in a similar situation to you, my ex worked weekends so he got to enjoy child free days in the week whilst I spent my weekends with the kids and doing all their activities. I think that might be what you’re getting at but you’re also acknowledging that you’d likely have them at weekends if you separated.

But how would splitting up make it any easier,

I don't know. Maybe it won't. Maybe the op can't see that at the moment - he just knows that he's very unhappy and knows something needs to change but doesn't know what.

Maybe he thinks that if they split yes, he would be doing a large portion of childcare but when he doesn't have the children he would be free to do whatever he wanted - at the moment any time that he has is given over to the family.

We don't always see things clearly and logically when our emotions and feelings are involved do we?

Are you in the position that you could temporarily move out? Would your wife agree? Please don't stay just for the kids, they will not thank you for it (I have been that kid). You might find though that when you get what you want its not what you want, maybe your wife is feeling the same, maybe a break for both of you to see how life is without the other is what you both need .

You have been together successfully since your mid teens . To still love each other although not having that mad “in love” feeling is still a very big achievement.
Sounds to me that the problem is you just do t have the quality time together a couple needs . After that “me” time can be worked in . You have to talk to your wife for a way around this - with three primary school age children to consider you have a heck of a lot on your plates and intimacy ( just to have a good matter) has had to be sacrificed for your jobs to keep the family afloat. Is there any way you could have some time alone on one of the weekends ? Can relatives have the children ? If you can manage that and perhaps after that carve out some time for yourselves as individuals it might break this stalemate you seem to be in . You sound like a good honest person . Believe me a break up would not make you happy . Too much me time is worse than none at all .