Should i leave my wife if i still love her?

[UnsureHusband]

Where do I start?

Im posting on here after reading some other threads in the hope that I get some similar honest and non judgemental feedback.

Ive been with my wife for 18 years married for 14 and we have 3 kids at Primary school.
I love her but dont feel like im in love with her any more. we dont argue much and we treat each other well but the spark just isnt there. However she is my best friend and i am absolutely torn about what to do.
For some time now ive felt like i want a life of my own, i want to go "do me". But dont mistake that with seeing other people because Im not interested in that.
At the moment we are ships in the night as i work days and she works nights and any free time we have together we do a family or couple thing. On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling.

Im so lost i dont know what to do, if i leave her i would break her heart. We would both only get half of our kids time however it does feel like sometimes we are 2 singles parents living together at the moment.
Im worried how she would cope. Im worried how it will affect our kids and what they would think of me.

Do i stay for another 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesnt seem right, id be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life. Whos needs do i prioritize first? Mine, hers, the kids?

The biggest confusing thing in all this is i do love my wife and i really dont know what to do.
Any help from anyone thats been in a similar situation appreciated

Life with children is just not a bowl of cherries. You have to hack at it and, when the kids are older, it improves.

I have seen, through my husband’s friends, the itchy feet syndrome, and, when the man walks out he finds life lonely, poor and unbearable. One committed suicide alone in a hotel room and another never ever sees his daughters. Another left and instead of living in a wonderful family home with a loving family lives in what is virtually temporary accommodation. He has also lost his job and while his wife would have supported him he now has to cope alone.

Do the ‘life audit’ and write down what you have and what you would miss. Some people cannot imagine this and have to be reminded of the good things they have because they are only focusing on the drawbacks of their lives.

Besides, leaving a woman who loves you and who has done no wrong is cruel.

Do I stay for the next 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesn’t seem right, I’d be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life.

Bottom Line: You no longer want to be your wife’s Life Partner because you want to be single. You obviously have no desire or intention of rebuilding your intimate connection or of carving out time for yourself. You want out.

Your wife deserves better than a man who devalues their marriage and speaks of their shared future as a waste of her life.

You say that you can’t change the work pattern, why not? It’s glaringly obvious that this is an issue? (Not the only one) Is your DW happy working these hours? Can either of you cut down some hours, change roles?

I don’t see how leaving your wife will solve your problems. As you say, you would still have the kids every night while your wife works, you would still have to go to work during the day (you would have much more financial pressure on you since there will be two households to fund) and you would presumably still spend weekends with your kids.

I’m surprised, given your predicament, that leaving the woman that you claim to love is the solution that you are contemplating. Surely talking to her about how you feel and making some lifestyle changes would be a better place to start.

For instance, do you both need to work full time? Can you cut back on your hours to make time for your hobbies and to spend more quality time together? Even if it’s just a temporary arrangement while you work on your relationship and mental health. Could your wife find a job that didn’t involve working nights so that you see more of each other? I can’t even begin to imagine how exhausted your wife must be if she works nights and has 3 primary age children.

Perhaps a good place to start would be an honest conversation with your wife about how you fell (do NOT tell her you were thinking of leaving her as a potential solution!) and some good couples counselling.

Perhaps a good place to start would be an honest conversation with your wife about how you fell (do NOT tell her you were thinking of leaving her as a potential solution!) and some good couples counselling.

Can he have an honest conversation without telling her that though? Will she realise how serious things are if she doesn't know that he's thinking about leaving?

OP, when I was married, I HAD to work gruelling shifts, I had on calls, weekends, nights, I was so exhaused I was falling off my feet.

But. I was the higher earner, he was on minimum wage, it made sense for him to work part time and save on childcare costs (£1000 a month where we were, and that’s going back a while ago now!).

When DD started primary, I asked my xH if he considered picking up the slack for a bit, he could do some weekends, or get a better paid job, or at least increase his hours, so I can be at pick up for DD at least one/two days a week.
I was told a flat no, he liked his life, he was happy looking after DD. Read: put her in front of the TV till I got home. He didn’t believe in homework, helping with housework too much either, because ‘I was nagging’.

Cut a long story short, we split up. I am now with someone who sat me down one day and said: you work insane hours, is there anything I can do to ease the burden a bit, so you don’t have to work so much? I’m now with someone who looks after me, if I was at work that that and he wasn’t, he gives me a lift from work, I’m greeted with a cup of coffee and dinner is on already. We both make plans for when we are off and we actively look forward to time together.

My exH is a bitter, sad and lonely old man. He didn’t find another idiot to put up with his shit.

Look after your wife, man.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

You sound burned out, and I'm willing to bet your DW is feeling similar thoughts. Talk to her and figure out a way you can get some better balance in your life.

Leave your DW and DC's because you wanna do you
Oh dear lordie

Crack on why don't you

Look after your wife, man.

Surely they should look after each other? Why does the man have to look after the woman? Is she incapacitated in some way?

It sounds like you settled into marriage and kids quite young and are now having a midlife crisis. I wouldn't throw everything away right now. Try and carve out some time for each other and for yourselves.
I would look at the job situation to start with.
Good luck.

I personally find that sometimes I go through phases of feeling quite neutral about dh, it's not always sparks after 15+ years together. When I feel like that I amp things up like meals out together or more just time together generally and I find that I feel that connection return. I would suggest your speak to wife and try and get the connection back. Leaving a long relationship with a family is a huge decision and there may well be no going back. You need to think how you'd feel been away from your family, how you'd feel if you left and had to see your wife move on with someone else etc... often times the idea of a different life doesn't live up to expectations. You might initially have more time to yourself, meet someone new and have a spark but how would your life look 15+ years down the line? Relationships ebb and flow.

Can you take your family with you while you find you? What is on your bucket list that you can do with them and what do you need to fit in around them? How would your wife answer the same question? Can you and your wife fit both in without either of you needing to lose the family you have created together?

If you don't have anything specifically in mind, can you start to come up with a few things or even start by trying out a single new hobby for an hour or two and agree with your wife when she will get her time. You should feel less guilty if you both get time, but you need to talk to say you think that now your kids are a little older you can both have more me time.

On your working situation are you able to change this at all or is it essential to cover childcare?

Try shaking things up and injecting more fun before walking away at least you will know in your heart of hearts that you gave it everything.

No don’t be a fool and throw it all away.

You care for each other and enjoy each other. That is an amazing achievement after all those years.

My dh and I have similarly been together since we were young ( late teens/ early 20s) and it is a blessing. No complicated dating histories, no broken hearts and resulting defensive behaviours, no step children/blended family complications (read some threads on here about how messy they can be). Yes we have had ups and downs and questioning whether the grass would be greener elsewhere but ultimately we get along well and know we have to work to maintain our family and we know that a strong family and marriage is an amazing gift for our dc. And there are many people who would love what we have and would be envious of the lack of complications.

With luck we will be able to raise our dc together and be able to enjoy them together as adults as well.

I would look into freeing up more time to spend together. We went through a period where we only had one day a week as a family and that was difficult, but you have much less that that!

We also have deliberately limited the dc’s activities, they only do activities they really enjoy, this means that our non-working time is not eaten up by ferrying them around to activities. At the moment we have one dc doing football and that is manageable.

@ TequilaPilates I suppose it depends if the OP wants his wife to realise what a complete dick he is for contemplating leaving without even attempting to address the issues he’s facing.

The more I think about it the more I think he came on here hoping that we would reassure him that he would be justified in leaving his wife and 3 kids. All this talk about how he loves her and they’re best friends is to make us think he’s a good guy. All it really boils down to is that this guy is regretting settling down and having so many kids at such a young age and what’s his 20s back. He seems unprepared to put in any work to resolve these issues which are not insurmountable.

Just been through similar with my DH. Classic selfish cliched mid life crisis. Wise up before you wreck your life and that of your wife and kids.

You need to make a real effort at reconnecting with your wife before chucking it all away. And for the love of god don't say the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Of all the things my DH has said to me that's the one we'd both like to go back in time and erase.

If after making a good attempt things haven't improved then you go and find yourself or whatever crap you think you need to do, but you owe it to your wife and kids to at least try.

Not sure if you're still reading, OP, but I'm in the same boat as you right now. Luckily there are no kids involved.

I've been with OH almost since my teenage years (20), he was 27 when we met so he already had a life before me, in a manner of speaking.

I love him but we also work opposite hours and are like ships in the night. I'm getting itchy and restless, I have recently had a sort-of promotion at work which I was in no way expecting, and it has boosted my confidence immensely. I now feel I want to push forward in my life and see what more I am capable of, and what more life has to offer. OH has no such drive or ambition and would happily live the same life day in, day out.

I don't want to leave him, but I feel almost like he's holding me back from being "me".

Its difficult to put these feelings into words but I do think I know where you're coming from. I'm sorry I don't have a solution as yet.

@user1480880826

I have no reason to try and make myself out to be someone im not on here, I've been honest in all my posts. I dont care if you sympathise or think Im a dick. Im getting what I needed from my post - other viewpoints and advice.

This is something that has been building up for months, maybe years if i think back hard enough. Ive always put my family first which going by some of the advice on here has maybe been my downfall. I maybe do need to carve more time out for myself and "feed my soul".
I'll be honest - ive not thought 5 or 10 years ahead and where i will or may be then and thats something i need to do.
Im not giving up, i dont think im selfish (but maybe i am?), Im on here looking for help. If i really didnt care about my family I would be out cheating on my wife or giving them zero time or attention or i would have just left months ago without a second thought? Yes? No?

@Zeus1
I empathise with you, it can be very confusing and hard to express how you feel.

@cantfindname
@Teacher22

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

@SeaSidePebbles
It sounds like your comparing me to you exH who worked less hours than you and did little to look after the kids?
Not sure if Ive given the wrong impression but I work almost double what my OH does and do my fair share of household chores, cooking, ferrying kids etc. So Im unsure of what ur trying to tell me?

Thanks again everyone for the constructive criticism and advice I am definitely coming to realise that my problems not maybe as one dimensional as I thought it was and im now looking at how to go about solving these.

Can I just reiterate that being free to "sleep about" etc etc etc is not my goal here i have no interest in that whatsoever even if you think my OP "screams" this or whatever. If that really was a reason I would just come out and say it, this is all anonymous so why wouldnt I?

Im still watching the thread,
Thanks again.

Put the effort in OP.

I'm another in almost the same boat as you (together since teens, married since 22/23, parents since 23/24).

We're now both 40, with 2 teenagers and a nearly-teen.

Our relationship has been extremely hard at times, due to the actions of both me and DW.

We've both had doubts, and wondered what we've missed out on.

But each time we've talked about things together.
We've considered whether splitting would be for the best, and what the consequences of that might look like (in terms of logistics, homes, potential relationships, effect on DCs etc).

Some of those conversations have been extremely difficult and upsetting.

On each occasion so far, our mutual decision has been that we have more to fight for than we might gain by giving up.

We've put the effort in to take time to talk to each other about work, how we're feeling, worries, concerns etc.

Are we lazy and in a comfort zone? Yes, probably. Will we always feel that we're better off together? Who knows. But we'll continue to talk about it, so that it's a decision we can make together.

I think this is a common problem TBH. You are both working hard around the clock and not getting enough time to yourself . Why not see if you can go for an early morning run (headphones on ,no one else around!) or Gym session maybe ?.It is always hard to do shifts with a young family .Getting divorced is a last resort ,and would add to your stress levels I think .Maybe have a chat to your wife and do something special on your W/E off .Maybe a day out or O/N stay without the kids if at all possible .As you say your life on your own would be just as stressful really .Maybe she feels the same !

Also dont feel guilty by having time out ,we all need time to recharge our batteries and de stress a bit .It makes us better people /parents overall!

I don’t think your wife is particularly bothered to be honest, otherwise I don’t see why she’s working the hours she’s currently doing. It doesn’t exactly scream that she wants to spend more time with you. I suppose you could tell her, but if you have to ask … You could do a cost-benefit analysis. Does she do things for you that make your life easier? You said she’s the only one you have to talk to. That might be a problem if you leave, regardless of what you do: fix that- meet friends. One of the issues of leaving. You run the risk of losing your social network; especially if you don’t play an active part in maintaining the relations. Do you know what you’re hoping to achieve by possibly leaving your wife? Doing your own thing is a bit vague. Is it achievable, so you don’t end up disappointed and bitter. I don’t think it’s something trivial like 2 hours of gym a week, neither do I think that will fix your predicament. Whatever you do, don’t cheat.

I’m not going to going to talk about the children; since well it’s fairly obvious what’s better for them.

I dunno......the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

There's a lot to be said for ye olden days when people actually worked at relationships (( abuse and miserable ones aside )) everything seems disposable now, including relationships. Why not try jazzing up / working on what you have ?? Tell her how you feel. It doesn't need to be as drastic as jacking it all in whilst you search for something that may not be there.