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Sperm donors mother wants to be involved

(107 Posts)
Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 15:57:44

Hello. I will try and keep this brief. In short I have a beautiful 8 month old DD and a DP. She was conceived at home using AI with a gay friend who lives in Italy. We drew up an agreement together before she was born saying we had no joint custody and I had sole responsibility but he was entitled to visit every couple of months. fast forward to her (difficult C section) birth and his first visit when I was in hospital. His mother was on the speaker phone telling me what I should or shouldn't do! Thankfully the morphine muffled her but the alarm bells were ringing. He stayed a week and I let him visit every day and he'd FaceTime his family without asking me. I had told him I didn't want them at the birth and he didn't bring them. But they came a few weeks later and the mother was in uber Italian mother in law mode. Coral gifts from her friends, the works. I politely endured her, her daughter, his charmless niece and his boyfriend (whom the mother wouldn't let hold my DD because it was charmless niece's turn!). He's been with his BF for 9 years..... it seems they are using my DD to heterosexualise her father. And I feel they are guilt tripping him and he's doing this out of guilt or perhaps to appease them in some way.
He's been visiting more than every couple of months and keeps doing the FaceTime thing.
He then wanted to come again with his family at Christmas and I said no.
Now I've buckled and he's coming with his mother (not his BF) next weekend. Guilt trips are contagious.
So I need advice. Am I being unreasonable or am I being over accommodating? What would you do if you'd unwittingly inherited an Italian mother in law?
Am having huge anxiety over all of this and feel like it was my own stupid fault for lacking foresight.

languagelearner Wed 01-Feb-17 16:17:37

So, if I got it you've got a baby through donation, and now the biological grandmother of the baby - otherwise unrelated to the family - is Italian? Is she nice?

languagelearner Wed 01-Feb-17 16:18:33

If it's a nice enough person who likes all of you, I don't see why not.

languagelearner Wed 01-Feb-17 16:19:04

Nice people are hard to find, sometimes.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 01-Feb-17 16:25:32

I don't see the donor's mother as nice.

OP, I'd start looking into the legal position this has put you into. You drew up an agreement - did you take legal advice before doing so? He is your child's biological father, but who is her legal father?

Because I'd be looking to put a stop to these visits from this woman. Her son is not going to have a father-daughter relationship with your child, but she sounds to be trying to force a grandmother-granddaughter relationship. Is that what you want? Is that best for your daughter?

I think you need legal advice, and quick.

BaronessBomburst Wed 01-Feb-17 16:25:45

Oh blimey! How does your DP feel about all of this?
What about his (and your) parents? Are they on the scene?

On one hand it may be nice for your DD to have extra family who love her, on the other it rather complicates your own nuclear family set up.

proseccoMama Wed 01-Feb-17 16:28:34

Grandparents and parents do have legal rights over 'family' children so in not sure how you would terminate this by using a sperm donor. I mean surely he cannot terminate the rights of his family members over a relationship with the child?

I think the growth of grandparent / Aunt and uncle etc rights presents problems to sperm donor families - I'm not sure how a family court judge would interpret this. I think they would award rights here tbh probably 4h visit per month.

PotteringAlong Wed 01-Feb-17 16:30:45

Does he have parental responsibility? I.e. Is he on the birth certificate? What did your agreement say about extended family?

Ilovecaindingle Wed 01-Feb-17 16:31:22

No way. . .
No way. And def no way. . Before long it's going to be requests for holidays for your dd over there and bloody allsorts!! Maybe seek legal advice ASAP.

Gallavich Wed 01-Feb-17 16:35:33

I think you need a clearer understanding of the biological father's role. Is he a second dad or an uncle or a friend who provided sperm? It sounds very messy and he's moving the goalposts.
If he's going to be in your dd's life (which I think would be beneficial for her) then contact should be structured and minimal assuming he isn't actually a second dad. He should visit every 2-3 months and no more. Having said that, if he's in her life then it is reasonable for his mum to be too. But she shouldn't have more than 2 visits a year imo, so he could come twice with her and 2-4 times alone.

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:36:14

Thanks for the posts. I did seek legal advice before and drew up agreement based on this but there wasn't a thorough agreement around grandparents. He had mentioned many times that it was something he wanted to do for me, not for himself but has lapsed into what feels like him doing it to live up to their illusions. My partner not thrilled about the visits either but she accommodates DDs biological father when he visits.
I think my main issue is her creating a false reality around the situation and all the confusion and dishonesty it will generate. Not to mention the underlying homophobia which I really don't want in DDs life.
He lives in Italy and has so intention of moving to the UK and his visits are not a problem. I don't really know how the law works on an international level. And with Brexit it's probably going to change again.

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:37:00

Not on the birth certificate, no. That's me alone!

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:38:25

Yep that's what I'm
Aiming for althought Id rather it were once a year tbh

Gallavich Wed 01-Feb-17 16:41:52

Does your partner have PR?! Weird set up

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 01-Feb-17 16:45:19

From barcankirby.co.uk/grandparents-what-are-your-rights-to-contact-with-your-grandchildren/
"Applying to the court for contact
Estranged parents and those with parental responsibility have the right to go to court to ask to see their children. However, this isn’t the case when it comes to grandparents rights. Instead you have to apply to the court.

When you make your court application to see your grandchildren, the court will need to consider several factors, including the relationship between you and your grandchild and whether your application is likely to be disruptive to them."

Now I have no legal training, don't work in the field, I'm just a civilian. Bear that in mind.

Now the above quote is aimed at co-parents; but I would say it's probably best you make clear to his mum that whilst you have agreed with your friend/her son that HE can visit there is no agreement about HER. And that you don't want her there. I can't see a judge granting her access in the circumstances you've described, I really can't.

But it is time to put your big girl pants on and take control of this. She is your sperm donor's problem, and he doesn't get to make her yours.

And again - get some proper legal advice on this.

EnidColeslaw771 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:49:44

I'm kind of astounded by the heterosexist mental gymnastics involved in so many posters reading your story and still making the assumption that your DP was a man!

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:52:01

No, because we are female so she's not biologically related and not in a civil partnership or married.

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 16:52:53

I didn't specify her gender so I guess it's a fair assumption ...

PaterPower Wed 01-Feb-17 16:53:07

I'm no expert but I did think that sperm donors could only get off the "hook," so to speak, if they donated via a recognised agency in this country. I'm sure I've read of examples where sperm donors have been hit up for child support etc even though they'd got a private agreement in place.

I would therefore assume that parental rights would apply similarly - I'd certainly want to go back to a solicitor and make sure of my ground before I went trying to "ban" the father or PGPs. What if she then pressured him into putting formal access arrangements in place? You might end up much worse off (from your POV).

For DDs sake, it may be better to try and cultivate a reasonable relationship with his Mum now, putting some clear ground rules in place, than have it become an antagonistic situation. You and DP may not want "mil" involved but DD may value her (if given a chance to) later in her life.

Wolpertinger Wed 01-Feb-17 16:54:24

Just no to the grandmother and the rest of her family.

Your intention was that donor would be a v small part of your child's life - brief visits but not the rest of the family and definitely not an Italian nonna

The more you say no now, the easier it will be. Yes to donor - but agreed visits only, no to rest of the gang.

PaterPower Wed 01-Feb-17 16:59:21

but I would say it's probably best you make clear to his mum that whilst you have agreed with your friend/her son that HE can visit there is no agreement about HER. And that you don't want her there. I can't see a judge granting her access in the circumstances you've describe

The judge / magistrates may not directly grant HER access, but they might well grant HIM some and OP and her DP couldn't then stop him taking DD to see / be with her.

IMO, fwiw, is that you might be better off (in the longer run) by trying to reach a compromise you can live with now, rather than have the heartache, expense and uncertainty of it being forced to court.

ToadsforJustice Wed 01-Feb-17 17:01:14

No. No. No. Cancel the weekend. If you don't do this, you will never have any peace. Cut contact now. You didn't sign up for grandparents.

JayneW63 Wed 01-Feb-17 17:04:26

She thinks she is Granny, and the donor, is letting her as it probably makes his life easier.

decide now do you want this large complicated family, which might be great, or not.

I think you didn't sign up for an Italian Grandma and you need to draw the line. This is not her grandchild and she has to be told so.

Billi77 Wed 01-Feb-17 17:07:09

I am fine with him visiting. I wanted to have a known donor for DDs sake and he does understand. I don't think he'd ever be the type to take me to court, nor do I think I'd give him reason to. I do feel he's being bullied by his mother though and am anxious about what the future may hold for him and feeling pressured.
I need to know really how the law would work given they live in Italy and he isn't on the birth certificate, etc

FatOldBag Wed 01-Feb-17 17:12:42

I'd get some more legal advice, and see if you can formally have the biological father rescind his rights and have your partner adopt the child. Then you can continue his visits as long as they are reasonable but you won't be at risk from being imposed upon far beyond the original agreement/intention.

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