Sperm donors mother wants to be involved

[Billi77]

Hello. I will try and keep this brief. In short I have a beautiful 8 month old DD and a DP. She was conceived at home using AI with a gay friend who lives in Italy. We drew up an agreement together before she was born saying we had no joint custody and I had sole responsibility but he was entitled to visit every couple of months. fast forward to her (difficult C section) birth and his first visit when I was in hospital. His mother was on the speaker phone telling me what I should or shouldn't do! Thankfully the morphine muffled her but the alarm bells were ringing. He stayed a week and I let him visit every day and he'd FaceTime his family without asking me. I had told him I didn't want them at the birth and he didn't bring them. But they came a few weeks later and the mother was in uber Italian mother in law mode. Coral gifts from her friends, the works. I politely endured her, her daughter, his charmless niece and his boyfriend (whom the mother wouldn't let hold my DD because it was charmless niece's turn!). He's been with his BF for 9 years..... it seems they are using my DD to heterosexualise her father. And I feel they are guilt tripping him and he's doing this out of guilt or perhaps to appease them in some way.
He's been visiting more than every couple of months and keeps doing the FaceTime thing.
He then wanted to come again with his family at Christmas and I said no.
Now I've buckled and he's coming with his mother (not his BF) next weekend. Guilt trips are contagious.
So I need advice. Am I being unreasonable or am I being over accommodating? What would you do if you'd unwittingly inherited an Italian mother in law?
Am having huge anxiety over all of this and feel like it was my own stupid fault for lacking foresight.

[Gini99]

If you are:
(a) in England; and
(b) not in a civil partnership/marriage
then legally he is not a sperm donor, he is the child's father. You can't change that status just by entering into an agreement about it (and there is no such thing as custody in English law anymore anyway). If you are in England and the lawyer didn't explain this then I don't think they knew what they were talking about. The agreement that you drew up wouldn't be legally enforceable but is only useful as evidence of what your intentions were.

[Billi77]

That would make sense although it's a fairly young relationship so feels like too much of a commitment too soon.

[Secretsandlies12]

Maybe you should factor in the feelings of the child you have created. You may wish to limit the involvement of her biological family but as she grows up she is going to want to meet them and get to know them. They are 50% of her genetic inheritance and an integral part of what she is.
Please do not do what adoptive parents of the 60s and 70s did - ie hide the child's background because it did not fit with the wirld they wanted to create. It will lead to all kinds of problems for your child.

[sweetpea75]

You should have chosen an anonymous sperm donor if your intention was to cut them off from their biological extended family. You've created this yourself. I feel sorry for grandma. Of course she wants to see her granddaughter and be involved in her life. Why wouldn't she be?

[Billi77]

I have never intended to cut them off. Not sure how I gave that impression, but that certainly isn't the case.

[IdaDown]

^^ agree with PaterPower and SecretsandLies

[sweetpea75]

Ok not cut them off as such but restrict and dictate their involvement.

[ToadsforJustice]

Good luck OP.

[Billi77]

Isn't it fairly normal for people to dictate their MILs involvement? Therefore wouldn't the same go for the (homophobic) mother of the biological father who agreed to be a special donor with visitation rights?

[pocketsaviour]

Realistically, Mr Sperm Donor should never have told him mum about this at all. what were his reasons for doing so?

At this point I think I'd be saying to him "You are welcome to visit but your mother IS NOT. EVER." And if she turns up, tell her to do one. You are going to have to be horribly rude and UnEnglish about it, but once you've done it, that will probably be the end of it. I can't see anyone bothering to engage a solicitor for an international court case for grandparents rights when they've seen the baby exactly once.

Are you able to get your DP legal status as having equal PR?

[Alfieisnoisy]

Right this sounds complicated. You used a known doner. His mother knows that she has a grandchild now and wants to visit.

People here telling you to put your foot down etc are wrong.

Your child will know its father. And will naturally want to know who their grandparent is as well. If grandmother is Italian then visits are not likely to be weekly.

Don't deny your child the opportunity to get to know their relative. That would be awful.

At the same time I doubt they have any legal right here (I don't know for sure).

You've used a known doner and I can totally accept the reasons why but unfortunately doing so comes with these complications sometimes.

Your child will have two Mums and that's fine. She will also know who her father and extended family are as well. That's positive but you need to manage expectations of these relations.

[Alfieisnoisy]

But yeah...she doesn't get to dictate about stuff.
Meeting her grandchild should be a positive experience for everyone and not just her.

[Billi77]

Thanks for the advice. Very useful. And yes, complicated and a work in progress

[Haffdonga]

Ask yourself what your dd might ask you 18 years down the line. Will she say

• why on earth did you ever let these people be involved in my life?
  

OR

• these people share my genes. Why on earth did you exclude them from my life?
  

Of course there's no way of knowing, but it's more likely the latter if you don't forge a relationship.

[Billi77]

True...

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

They're her family and he is her father. Like it or not that's the way it is and contact should be allowed as such.

Things like this can start of with one set of ideas and then change completely when the baby is born. It's only natural really.

[VeritysWatchTower]

Just because you share someone's DNA does not mean they are a force for good in your life.

The difficulties here lie in the fact that this could be the Italian Mother's only grandchild unless she has other children. Italians are all about family, it is incredibly important to them.

You need legal advice and fast. This is the whole reason why my friend and her wife went down the clinic route purely because of the complications surrounding a known sperm donor.

[MycatsaPirate]

Can't your partner adopt the baby so you both have equal PR?

Your dd's bio father can relinquish all parental rights doing this and then you can choose to let him see his DD but also keep his extended family at arms length.

[Primaryteach87]

I agree that you should draw a firm line with this lady. Perhaps DP needs to adopt DD and DP formally release any rights?

I think it will be such a horrible pain for you in the future if you aren't clear now.

[Trollspoopglitter]

He can get parental rights via court. When she's older, he can come fetch her for a few weeks and even take her to Italy - or if you fought this - then rent a house anywhere in UK. And you will have absolutely no control over who your child sees or does while it's his time with her.

Don't antagonise him, don't antagonise his mother. You see he's weak around her and will do what she wishes, and as many times as you repeat it... Legally he's not a sperm donor, he's a parent.

[Marmalade85]

Grandparents don't have any rights to a child and t he donor doesn't have PR so it's totally up to you.

[Kr1stina]

Ask yourself what your dd might ask you 18 years down the line. Will she say- why on earth did you ever let these people be involved in my life?
OR - these people share my genes. Why on earth did you exclude them from my life? Of course there's no way of knowing, but it's more likely the latter if you don't forge a relationship

Or she might just say

" You and mum are my real family, I can't really be bothered with all the fuss from my dad and grandma".

And the OP never suggested excluding them from the child's life, she just wants to manage it . This isn't what she signed up for.

[Kr1stina]

Sorry, bold fail

[Gini99]

What Trollspoopglitter said.

From the way you present your OP you see yourself as the only real parent and the decision-maker, whilst he is a sperm donor who you are involving in your DD's life but only on your terms (so he should only FaceTime with your permission etc) TBF that is clearly what you agreed before she was born.

The problem is that if this gets antagonistic and he decides to take it anywhere near a court then they are quite likely to see it differently. If it went to court their main concern will be your DD's interests for the future not what you agreed in the past. He is (from the information that you have given) the legal and biological father and you can be painted as being hostile to his relationship with his daughter and unreasonably excluding him and his family from her life. There's a pretty strong chance that he could get on the birth cert, get PR and get a court order giving him time with her etc. If his mother feels excluded she may well encourage him to take a more assertive stance and apply to a court for all of the above.

To be clear, from a legal perspective (assuming you are in England) he is in exactly the same position as if you conceived in a casual relationship. If his mother wants to be more involved then the smart thing for her to do would be to encourage him to get a stronger legal position and he'd have a good chance of succeeding in that (on the basis of what you have said here and all the usual caveats about getting proper advice).

We haven't met them so don't know the full situation but there's a pretty good case for saying that the best thing that you can do is take a more accommodating stance and support your DD in having a good relationship with her father and his family.

Do you know how much involvement he wants now?

[Secretsandlies12]

Also, at the moment, were you to die, your DDs father, rather than your partner, would have responsibility for your DD.