DH has left again

[AndHarry]

Third time in as many years. He sat me down last night and said he was unhappy and thought we should separate. I asked him what he was unhappy about and what I needed to change. It was difficult to pin him down to anything but then it came out: he wants me to do things for him like sew buttons back onto his shirts and fix his trousers when there's a hole in the pocket or the hem has dropped. That's it. He wants to put me through all this again because of a few buttons. It's so incredibly pathetic I would laugh if I wasn't crying.

What it actually boils down to is that he wants to feel respected as the manly head of the household, even if he hasn't put it like that. As I told him last night, it's difficult to respect him when I feel like his mother: organising everything, picking up after him, reminding him of essential things that need doing for the kids, coming into the kitchen many days to find it full of dirty crockery from the day(s) before (I cook, he washes up), struggle to tidy up because the bins are overflowing (his job) and have to cajole him into coming out with the kids instead of sticking on a DVD and lying on the sofa all weekend. I have tried and tried in as many ways as I could think of to make things easy for him and do things for him but get ground down by the sheer laziness of his response. The more I do, the less he bothers.

I said I would do everything around the house if that would stop the arguments and resentment, just to be stonewalled with 'it won't work'. I asked him to try doing the household chores he had agreed to do, consistently, and got 'it won't work'.

I pointed out that I had supported him in going to the gym every morning before work and going out with his friends several nights a week so that he gets his own time. Apparently 'it's not that'.

I said how hurt I was that he had complained about what I cooked so I only made the things he said he wanted but he still orders pizza for himself. How hurt I am that when I did as he asked and made his lunches he didn't eat them, preferring to get fast food instead. 'Shrug'.

The fact is that he has a pretty cushy life but, as he repeatedly points out, he is the 'breadwinner' while I only work because I want to, so anything wrong around the house is immediately my fault for not being wifely enough.

I ended up screaming into my pillow with sheer frustration. He didn't come to bed and this morning he wasn't in the house and his car has gone.

Another fall to the tax office to sort out tax credits tomorrow. Another time trying to keep myself together for the kids, dealing with their anxieties over their dad being gone, pretending that he's in meetings or at the gym every evening. Dealing with my parents' disappointment again.

I'm sorry this is an essay. I don't want anything, just needed to get it out.

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

I am really sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like he adds much to your life, if you can just get through the next few months I think you'll find you're much happier without him.

[AndHarry]

We're supposed to be going on holiday next week. I was looking forward to it. I'll be taking the kids by myself or playing happy families. :(

[quietasamouse]

Sorry you're going through this. My Dad did this too. He left us because my Mum was more competent and I think it threatened his masculinity.

[Trebushay]

I think you shouldn't let him back he doesn't respect you. You deserve better get on with your life without him.

[RandomMess]

TBH it sounds like there is someone else...

He adds nothing to your life pack his bags, stop letting him mess around with your & the dcs heads with his coming and going.

Hugs x

[Fairylea]

He sounds awful to be honest. Almost like another child... he's having a tantrum. I couldn't live with that stress constantly.

[AndHarry]

Thankyou. When I write it down, it doesn't sound that great does it? Fact is, I'm scared of not being able to manage: financially and emotionally. The DC are 5 and 2. I suffered with PND both times and struggle still, although it's been a bit better since I had coubselling last year.

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Please let him go and don't let him back. He has zero respect for you and clearly never will. 3 times?? You have sacrificed yourself in every way and it is still not enough. He is telling you it won't ever be enough.
You deserve so much more and do do your kids.
Let him go and let yourself grow back in to yourself.
He is a class one arse.

[AndHarry]

I did wonder if there was someone else. When he goes out he stays out until the early hours (hence wanting to sleep on the sofa all weekend). I would say he wouldn't do that but I don't know one way or the other TBH.

[YouMakeMyHeartSmile]

Gosh, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but I'd see this as a blessing in disguise. What do you get out of your relationship with him? Are you happy to play the 'little housewife' role?
I would have absolutely no respect for my DH if he had this attitude, and would have left him long before he left me!

[britishbakeoffblues]

There seems to be an awful lot of effort on your part and none on his!
What do YOU get out of this relationship?
Do you want to stay in a marriage that makes you stressed and feeling like his mother but not disappoint your parents?

[HopefulHamster]

He sounds incredibly hard work and like he expects you to be his servant.

I honestly think you'll be much happier (and have less to do) in the long term, without him.

[tribpot]

Well, the 1950s called. They'd like your marriage back.

What would you say to a friend who told you they had immediately assumed that their husband's decision to move out was because of something they had done or not done? That they had pretty much ground their self-respect into dust by offering to do everything to serve this man as the head of the household and yet still were treated like an underperforming staff member?

There's a whole lot in your post about what he wants. What about what you want? Don't you want to feel valued, respected, liked, wanted? Don't you want to live equally and honestly?

If yes, I think you know what you need to do. Instead of trying to pretend he hasn't really left, separate formally and start rebuilding. What he wants is for you to desperately hold this all together whilst he goes off to lick his wounds, so you will be even more subservient to his wishes when he chooses to return. Is that how it played out the last two times?

By the way, it seems very likely he is having an affair. His complete refusal to discuss ways in which you could make it work by doing everything for him smacks of someone who already has a least one foot (and other appendages) out the door. If you think about it, are there any other signs? Over-protective of his phone? Either way, you deserve better than to be treated like this. If your parents are disappointed it should be with his failure to be a decent life partner rather than yours to sew on a button. Let him go and don't look back.

[Fairylea]

Financially if you are worried have you been on the turn to us benefits calculator and typed in your details as a single parent? It's anonymous and will give you an idea of what you can claim. You might find it reassuring. (If you Google "turn to us" the website will come up).

Your life will be so much better in the long run without him.

[ginmakesitallok]

The thing which strikes me about your post is that it all seems to centre on what YOU need to change in order to make the relationship work. What about HIM?

I couldn't cope with all that nonsense, if he's gone this time make it clear he's gone for good. Take this opportunity to move on with your life.

He sounds like an area.

[RandomMess]

I really do think there is someone else/he wants the single life.

He is picking fault at you so there is a reason for you to end it/argue with him so you can take the blame for the relationship ending.

He begrudges his family life & not engaged.

[ginmakesitallok]

An area?? An ARSE!

[regularbutpanickingabit]

Oh and you are already doing everything and coping whilst having a 14 stone millstone around your neck. Imagine how light and free you will feel when that is cut free??

He may have shattered your confidence but you can do this. You really can.

Can I ask you a PND question? Was he helpful when you had your babies? Did he look after you and them without question, grumble or murmur? Or did you still feel you had to do everything and make the baby a perfect, non-crying, non-messy thing that didn't disturb him or your ability to fulfil all household and family duties?

[Squeegle]

Yes, I am sorry you're going through this- but what are his good points? From what you have outlined above he is just a rather overgrown spoilt teenager. It sounds like his only good point is his salary.

Regarding the children I would be as (age appropriate) honest as you can be. It can't have escaped their attention that he is so miserable

[tipsytrifle]

Have you reached a place in mind where despite the pain and emotional exhaustion, this has to be the last dose of negativity that you accept from him? It kind of sounds like it from your post. You'll certainly get through this and be stronger than ever. His mal-contented "head of the household ruling from the sofa" fantasy is so out-dated and pathetic that there just are no words of value to be uttered.

If it's do-able in practical terms, continuing with the holiday (without him) might be a fair plan. Not sure you need to pretend everything is fantastically ok though. Has he done anything about finding somewhere else to live? Perhaps he could do this while you and DC are away?

[RandomMess]

Make sure he starts paying you at least the very minimum maintenance for the dc straight away.

Do you rent or have a mortgage?

[AndHarry]

I should clarify: the other two times I asked him to go because he got us into debt (not paying bills) and then lied about it. He let me find out when I went by myself (with his agreement) to talk about mortgages with the bank. After arguing with the utility companies that we had paid and their records were wrong :( His credit report is shot. Those humiliations were just the icing on the cake.

[Penfold007]

OP what positive things does he bring to your and the children's lives? The constant leaving and returning must be unsettling for the children.
He had somewhere to go last night, tell him to stay there. Sort out tax credits, child support and access.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

He's been the lucky one in this relationship but he sounds too self absorbed to see it. Don't take him back when he comes scuttling back with his tail between his legs when he realises he can't manage the grown up world on his own again.

[AndHarry]

Mortgage.