SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us

(584 Posts)
gloriousgolden Sat 04-Dec-21 22:43:24

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP’s posts: |
Terminallysleepdeprived Sat 04-Dec-21 22:46:17

As someone who struggled ppesee don't take it personally. She is probably so far inside her own head over being upset and stressed that your struggle probably hasn't even registered.

Pegasussnail Sat 04-Dec-21 22:47:40

So sorry to hear this. Surely she could have gently brought this up with your husband.
I totally get the difficultly she is facing but I cannot understand her not letting others visit you either.

But I think that I would wait until tomorrow and get dh to ring and say that you understand. But stay out of it. She's trying for less than six months hmm she wouldn't have a baby yet!!!

spotcheck Sat 04-Dec-21 22:49:54

Let it go.

And you all should let the parents make their own decision instead of pulling them in different directions

Bluntness100 Sat 04-Dec-21 22:50:14

I suspect from her point of view, she’d take your pain in return for two healthy kids. Infertility is tough, please try to be gentle.

BeMoreGoldfish Sat 04-Dec-21 22:53:44

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months angryangry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

BootsScootsAndToots Sat 04-Dec-21 22:54:53

I would text her back and say you understand.

I probably would also say something like my good fortune did come with a fair bit of misfortune and you understand why she needs some space.

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DrManhattan Sat 04-Dec-21 22:55:21

She sounds a bit mean imo.
Enjoy your Christmas xxx

Blue4YOU Sat 04-Dec-21 22:55:29

I think she’s probably on a dark place and reach out to you because you’d understand- perhaps better than her brother would

FreeBritnee Sat 04-Dec-21 22:56:47

You are not unreasonable. She phrased that very badly.

Unsure1983 Sat 04-Dec-21 22:58:10

I thínk YAB a bit U sadly. She obviously cant cope with it and is in a dark place.

Cocomelt Sat 04-Dec-21 22:58:10

BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months angryangry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

THIS.

Also speaking as someone who struggled with infertility for years & avoided babies.

Didiusfalco Sat 04-Dec-21 22:59:33

But you’re not having bad fortune now are you? I say this as someone with a medical history and outcomes similar to you - the happy ending makes all the difference.
The good thing is it means you can fully empathise. Don’t go looking to be offended, this is about how she is feeling - everyone is a bit egocentric so you of course think about your history, but it’s not what she is thinking about. Be generous in your thoughts and kind in your actions.

Mistressofnone Sat 04-Dec-21 22:59:33

I think she worded it wrongly but if you usually get on well, it is unfortunately those we love most who we can be most hurtful to. It sounds as though you are an outlet for her upset at the moment in TTC. She is only 5 months in but I guess getting to the point where she is becoming concerned that it won't happen.

If she had always pictured Christmas with you and you both having kids the same age, it might be tough.

It's hard for you but I'd try not to rise to it. Just reply that you understand and you had a tough journey too if she ever needs to talk. She knows she is being a bit sh*tty and probably feels bad taking it out on you. It might be a relief not to host Christmas when you have a 1 year old anyway!

NoSquirrels Sat 04-Dec-21 22:59:55

The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord.

She probably has - although not necessarily consciously.

FWIW I think she’s being very unreasonable with the comment about asking her parents to spend it with her not your DH. That’s a duck move designed to guilt.

HOWEVER. You have to rise above. Express disappointment that she feels she can’t come for Christmas but say you understand. (You might say ‘I completely understand, SIL, I remember how awful our fertility issues were on DH and me’ if you wanted to prove a point…)

But don’t take the bait. High road all the way.

flowers

StepAwayFromGoogling Sat 04-Dec-21 23:01:57

Trying for less than 6 months and not getting pregnant isn't infertility. So, yes, she is being unreasonable. More so taking the opportunity to have a clear dig at you at the same time. That's self obsessed.

Didiusfalco Sat 04-Dec-21 23:02:25

BeMoreGoldfish

It’s not fucking infertility when she’s been trying a few months angryangry. I speak as someone who obsessively avoided babies and Christmas after trying for FIVE years.

Sorry OP she’s being an absolute dick. I hope your in laws still come as I think it would be totally unfair if they didn’t.

Have they really though? Does the op definitely know all the details? My sil definitely didn’t, and I can’t imagine a brother you didn’t get on with would either.

DockOTheBay Sat 04-Dec-21 23:02:50

She is being very unreasonable. Average time to fall pregnant with a first baby is something like 9 months, so bring all dramatic after trying for 6 months is a bit silly. If she really can't cope, then fine, but she can't also dictate that the parents go to her house and don't see their other child or grandchildren because of her.

Livelovebehappy Sat 04-Dec-21 23:03:11

At least you will be having your own parents and siblings over, so I would just leave them and your in-laws to celebrate Xmas by themselves this year. They’re clearly very stressed about the ttc issue, and no matter how irrational you think they’re being, it’s difficult I guess to know just how bad they’re taking it all.

TyrannosaurusRights Sat 04-Dec-21 23:03:39

My husband and I needed IVF to have our babies. While obviously that period was very difficult I can also recognise how incredibly fortunate we are that we have our family now. Can you not recognise that you are incredibly fortunate to have your children and that might be difficult for someone who clearly had hoped for marriage and children much sooner, and who is concerned an infertility diagnosis is looming.

HunkyPunk Sat 04-Dec-21 23:03:54

I’m agreeing with those saying let it go, and that she’s probably completely consumed by her own struggle to conceive, but I know that in your position, in my head I’d be composing some very spiky replies to her thoughtless comments. Some people are very self-absorbed.

NeverTheHootenanny Sat 04-Dec-21 23:04:16

She’s being ridiculous, they’ve been trying for 6 months, that’s a completely normal amount of time to be trying for. Her choice of wording is really poor, you aren’t ‘rubbing it in’. Leave her to it if she doesn’t want to come, no point arguing about it, and PILs will have to make their own choice, although I think it would be poor form for then to cancel at this stage.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 04-Dec-21 23:04:52

What’s changed since they accepted and now? They’ve been ttc about 5 months. She’s going to have to toughen up a bit, this isn’t infertility by any stretch of the imagination.

She has no right trying to make her parents change their plans either, how selfish and ridiculous.

You’ll have a nicer time without them and if your PIL pander to her you’re better off without them as well.

Let DH reply as he wishes and then put it from your mind and have a wonderful time.

Campfirewood Sat 04-Dec-21 23:05:59

It doesn’t seem fair your kids miss out on seeing family, because she’s been trying to conceive for 5 months. I think she’s being unreasonable. And I say that as someone who has suffered several miscarriages.
She does need to learn to be in a world with children and just try and love her niece/ nephew, regardless of her outcomes.

Pinkchocolate Sat 04-Dec-21 23:07:26

I think she’s being mean. I avoided places with babies when I was TTC too but she doesn’t need to dig at you, especially knowing you struggled to get there too. It’s unfair to ask your in-laws to not come to you as well, she’s entitled to change her plans not other peoples.

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