SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us
gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43
My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.
We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.
It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.
My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.
I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.
But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.
gloriousgolden · 27/12/2021 16:49
@LaChanticleer well I've managed to maintain a good relationship with my brother (who will inherit my parents farm) and his wife and I'll have a lot less than 8 cottages and a house in Pimlico as a consolation prize.
Farming dynamics perhaps do appear outwardly sexist, granted. Realistically milking 450 cows in the Peak District is physically incredibly difficult and no way would I have wanted to take that on, I often feel sorry that my brother and his wife have that millstone around their neck.
My husband is an arable farmer, I do help him with some tasks but honestly the machinery on the farm is very technical and a lot of operating requires additional qualifications which I don't have. There is a raw strength involved with the sheep side of the business that I just cannot physically do. My SIL is incredibly intelligent, she has several degrees and is a barrister. In all the years I have known her I have never seen her doing any physical work - as far as I could possibly say, she is not interested in the farm.
I realise you are being objective but it's quite insulting to explain away this behaviour by suggesting she's had some birthright taken from her.
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 27/12/2021 17:01
So in terms of the farm your not cap in hand at all.
You have a strong position.
So there is no need to pander at all to sil or subject dh to his parents behaviour.
whynotwhatknot · 27/12/2021 19:24
What a selfish cow endangering her parents like that to get one over you pathetic and nasty
think i would have had a phone call with test and trace about people not isolating
LonelySock · 27/12/2021 19:55
I'd feel inclined to report it tbh. There's an online form to report breaches. I'd be inclined to. Not sure I'd dare to though, but I'd think about it.
To think she is a barrister and deliberately broke the law is awful. She has endangered your FIL 😔 There should be some consequences of this but I probably wouldn't want her to lose her job, however much of a selfish cow she is.
Justilou1 · 28/12/2021 00:34
You’re right… it’s probably just some childish attention/jealousy bullshit she’s never grown out of and the parents have created a dynamic that have spun out of their own control/awareness too. Family dynamics are weird enough from the inside.
middleeasternpromise · 28/12/2021 13:55
I don't think it is as simple to assume her behaviour is borne out of resentment about unequal inheritance - it may be, but if you really want to get to the bottom of it - this is perhaps the chance for the family to enter into an honest conversation about what is going on. What ever the reasons for what SIL does, she wont be the only contributor to the overall events, everyone in the family will have a part in the dynamics being played out. For example, why is it your DH role to 'take her to task' and not her mother or father? - and if her actions are always minimized, who is it that minimizes them? A person cannot minimize on their own without others acquiescing and agreeing.
I am not condoning anything your SIL has done only suggesting that everyone has taken a position in the situation and if this is now something that needs to change then everyone has to play a part. You sound like you take quite a mediator role in things generally, I wonder what would happen if you weren't so diplomatic and shared your feelings about things perhaps if you shared with her the effect of her comments about your children, the way you experienced her actions about the getting together as well as the issues with the virus - it might allow her to reflect on what she is doing and how it could be affecting family relationships.
RandomMess · 28/12/2021 14:29
It's most likely plain simple irrational jealousy.
It doesn't matter that she has chosen to move away and has a great life.
She is most likely jealous that you both have a good loving and involved life with HER parents and you have provided them with DGC.
She will be jealous that they love their DGC, it should all be about her don't ya know?
Mix56 · 29/12/2021 08:19
Have I understood?
Why oh why did PIL do Xmas with her when FIL is almost certain to become seriously ill when he catches covid from her?
Its like he is risking his life to pander to her incredible selfishness & manipulations. She'll be wailing at his graveside, "oh beloved Daddy,"
This has seriously gone too far. I would be livid,
& they of course now have to isolate.
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