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SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us
583

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP's posts:
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unname · 04/12/2021 23:24

@Jibberjabberhutt

Sorry, by “you a pass…” I meant the general ‘you’, not you OP.

I see you understand the concept of meaning you in more ways than one.
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eastegg · 04/12/2021 23:24

@Bluntness100

I suspect from her point of view, she’d take your pain in return for two healthy kids. Infertility is tough, please try to be gentle.

But how quickly does she want these 2 healthy kids? She’s not going to get them in 6 months is she?

I admire your ability to see her pov bluntness, I really do, but if that really is her pov she needs to get some empathy smartish. You’re saying she reckons she’d rather lose a baby at 16 weeks than go through the pain of trying for 6 months?

OP I lost a baby at 16 weeks too. My heart goes out to you.
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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2021 23:27

@eastegg Flowers

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Lockdowninfinity · 04/12/2021 23:29

It’s not a race to the bottom. If she feels unhappy / frustrated about not getting pregnant within 6 mths then that’s her truth - you don’t have to understand it. I was fortunate to get pregnant with my first within the first mth of trying. The second took me 3 mths and I had already started to feel desperate and down - that was my truth. I supported one of my closest friends through a four year fertility journey. She sought out women that that were pregnant / had newborns throughout. Different strokes…… If I voiced my concern after 3 mths of trying she would have supported me too……I would expect those that genuinely care to empathise if not understand. I empathised with princess diana feeling unhappy in her palace(s)!l whilst sharing a bedroom with my siblings in a council house and a turbulent household.

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Mrsmadevans · 04/12/2021 23:29

I honestly don't think your PIL will want to miss Christmas day with their grandchildren willingly or imho they wouldn't. Just make sure they know the invite is still on & leave it up to them to decide. l wonder where your Pil would be spending the rest of their Christmas's after your Sil has had a child Hmm

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longcoffeebreak · 04/12/2021 23:30

I did a eye roll reading this why are people so entitled? Anyway - no one is guaranteed anything in life including having babies/children. She needs to stop being so self indulgent.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2021 23:30

Her truth Confused

Perspective is a healthy thing to aim for.

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Summerfun54321 · 04/12/2021 23:31

Coming at it from a different angle… why on earth would you want to host that many people when you have 2 young children as well. Let SIL and her DH and your in laws do their own thing and just enjoy a smaller Christmas.

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Mrsmadevans · 04/12/2021 23:32

OP l lost a baby at 20 weeks and the pain nearly killed me .l so get where you are coming from Flowers

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TwoAndCooPlease · 04/12/2021 23:33

Aw op my condolences for your losses and happiness that you have your family

Yanbu!! Merry Christmas when it comes ... f* sil

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timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 23:34

@TyrannosaurusRights

My husband and I needed IVF to have our babies. While obviously that period was very difficult I can also recognise how incredibly fortunate we are that we have our family now. Can you not recognise that you are incredibly fortunate to have your children and that might be difficult for someone who clearly had hoped for marriage and children much sooner, and who is concerned an infertility diagnosis is looming.

Op do you think she hoped for a wedding and ttc years ago and your Bil wasn’t ready? Otherwise she can’t have hoped for children much sooner or even already if she’s been trying for 5 months.
I would find it hard to take a dig at me when they haven’t even been trying for 6 months. How do your Christmases work? Can you spend it with your family or do you alternate? Will the pil come next year if they don’t this year?
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Halene · 04/12/2021 23:36

@TyrannosaurusRights

My husband and I needed IVF to have our babies. While obviously that period was very difficult I can also recognise how incredibly fortunate we are that we have our family now. Can you not recognise that you are incredibly fortunate to have your children and that might be difficult for someone who clearly had hoped for marriage and children much sooner, and who is concerned an infertility diagnosis is looming.

This.

If she’s been trying since May then it is in fact possible that she could be on cycle 9 right now, rather than 5 or 6. It is heartbreaking when it takes so much longer than you think it will.
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CharityDingle · 04/12/2021 23:39

@AnneLovesGilbert

Her truth Confused

Perspective is a healthy thing to aim for.

+1.
I cannot take anyone seriously who uses phrases such as 'my truth' Hmm

I'm another who had to come to terms with being unable to conceive.
OP, I would be verrrrrry gracious in response if you are the one responding. I am 100% on your side. And if the grandparents choose to miss out, so be it.

Have a lovely time with your own family.
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Monty27 · 04/12/2021 23:43

Compromise OP
Maybe say you understand completely but plan to have DC's in bed as early as possible so that she can join you all for a glass or two and a bit of Xmas supper later on?
Just forgive her naivety and try not to cause a Xmas rift about it.
It'll end in tears otherwise. Ya don't need it. Christmas spirit and all that?

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LoveFall · 04/12/2021 23:46

I am finding it hard to understand the lack of resilience your SIL's behaviour shows. Life is not without struggles, big and small. It is not OK to hurt others because you are having a struggle.

She is rude and lacking in empathy. It is time to so called suck it up and behave like an adult.

And she has only been trying for a few months! Her attitude will not help her conceive.

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eastegg · 04/12/2021 23:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

Her truth Confused

Perspective is a healthy thing to aim for.

Quite. Perspective comes with maturity and is closely related to empathy, and the SIL sounds lacking in these areas. Perspective would allow her to say ‘SIL has 2 kids but look at the heartache she’s had on the way. Her late loss and recovering physically from it must have taken at least 6 months’. To actually voice what she has instead said is really thoughtless and self-centred,

Thanks for the flowers btw.
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5foot5 · 04/12/2021 23:48

She's only been TTC since June? Good grief that is no time at all. We had been trying more than a year, at least, before we started going for tests. Had 2 or 3 years of tests and procedures before finally getting on to a course of IVF (succesful as it happens).

It would never have occurred to me to avoid other family who already had DC. Although the SIL (who didn't know a our issues) who kept asking "oh when are you two going to make a little cousin for JJ" came close

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IamGusFring · 04/12/2021 23:50

Where is all the "be kind" in this ? Maybe in Aug she felt she would be up to it but as time has gone on she just can't ? How would you feel about someone with social anxiety , cancer , depression feeling they just can't do it ? It's not a fertility competition with you and her or whose anguish is the greater . Your comments show that maybe you would not be the best person for her to spend Christmas with .

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Jibberjabberhutt · 04/12/2021 23:51

Another one agreeing with @AnneLovesGilbert. Her “truth” is that she’s lost sight of what is and isn’t ok.

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MrsLarry · 04/12/2021 23:52

Her life. Her choice. Leave it be OP

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SarahDippity · 04/12/2021 23:52

Whether you think she’s reasonable or not, let her do as she chooses and offer empathy for where she is at now. No need for a long message, just ‘thanks for letting us know, here for you when the time is right to reconnect.’

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Aderyn21 · 04/12/2021 23:56

Your husband should tell her to grow the fuck up and think of the position she is putting their parents in!
You having children hasn't taken anything away from her - there isn't a quota per family! I'd be sympathetic if she'd been trying for years and spent thousand on treatment but she hasn't.
What she said to you is incredibly insensitive - yes you have children now but that doesn't mean a person forgets about he pain or losing babies.
Otoh, you've got a get out of jail free card to not put up with the dozy mare at Christmas. But I'm inclined not to indulge this shit because you can imagine what a pita she's going to be when she does eventually get pg/has a child.

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givethatbabyaname · 04/12/2021 23:56

She sounds extremely immature. You’ll never win with this sort of person, they’re perpetual victims.

Ask yourself instead what YOU want from this situation. Do you want to tell her she’s being thoughtless and immature? Probably not necessary, or constructive. It won’t make her thoughtful or mature. You don’t need to say it out loud to her to feel better. The pain you’ve been through is bigger than that.

Do you want her to leave you alone? Just agree with her choice and wish her luck.

Be specific and realistic with yourself, and proceed accordingly.

Your PILs will decide for themselves what they want to do.

Your DH should handle anything that’s collectively about his family. That’s not your job, nor is it appropriate (they’re his sibling and parents). But you can be in charge of your own bilateral relationship with your SIL.

Sorry for all your troubles recently. Glad it worked out for you in the end Flowers

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PieMistee · 04/12/2021 23:57

Let it go.
Enjoy Christmas with your kids. Potentially without the stress of family. Make a few special traditions. You won't know her full story or pain. And it's and added level of hard when family members have already had kids and your trying to conceive.
Be the bigger person. Be graticious and happy you don't have to cook for everyone!

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theriverrunsthrough · 04/12/2021 23:57

Do not cancel plans with your in-laws.

if they choose to pull away its on them

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