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SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us
583

gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

OP's posts:
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Hapoydayz · 04/12/2021 23:08

So she wants Xmas with her parents, you have a family unit also so is it that big of a deal?

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CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 04/12/2021 23:08

She’s unreasonable, inconsiderate, selfish and nasty.

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OverTheRubicon · 04/12/2021 23:09

Assuming it's right that they've been trying for 5 months, then no, they of course deserve sympathy for frustration, but absolutely not to have their parents miss their grandchildren at Christmas and to call someone who has been through far more horrible experiences as having had 'good fortune'.

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HeyMona · 04/12/2021 23:09

Just checking I'm reading this correctly that she has been TTC since June 2021.

Infertility is brutal, lots of IVF here, thousands and thousands of pounds spent while some family members and friends had several children in the time we were TTC. Other family and friends have had their struggles and losses too, I realise it's not all about me, but for her to say that to you at this point is a bit much. Although maybe there were reasons why they couldn't TTC sooner (you say she'd thought you'd all do that around the same time so maybe some circumstances prevented that for her).

At the end of the day she feels how she feels and I've been there and avoided friends / family with bumps or babies but I would never have phrased it to them as their good fortune being rubbed in my face (even though it often felt like it).

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Darkpheonix · 04/12/2021 23:09

She is being entirely unreasonable. It's not infertility. And to then say her parents have to spend it with her, is really awful.

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BeardieWeirdie · 04/12/2021 23:10

Five months in? It’s still supposed to be fun at that stage, not tantrums and thermometers. I took 4 years to get successfully pregnant each time with losses along the way. I’d absolutely tell her that you understand that not falling pregnant straightaway is disappointing but in no way was it a barrel of laughs for you either, and remind her of exactly what you’ve been through to get there. Christmas without her sounds much more appealing.

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Secondtimemama31 · 04/12/2021 23:10

I'm not sure 5 months of trying warrants this behaviour. Is there other underlying issues?

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StepAwayFromGoogling · 04/12/2021 23:10

MN is a really peculiar place where anyone TTC can be as much of a dick to other people as they like. I had three miscarriages between DD1 and DD2. I was absolutely devastated. At no point did I think that gave me a free pass to behave like a twat.

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Babyvenusplant · 04/12/2021 23:10

I tried for 7 years before having my dd and although it was tough seeing other people have their babies I still loved spending time with them whenever I could, especially my nieces and nephews. If she doesn't want to come, fine, but I don't think she should be dictating where your in-laws should spend Christmas

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SmellyOldOwls · 04/12/2021 23:11

I think I'd reply saying you totally understand if she doesn't want to come but that you'll be letting the parents know that they are still more than welcome and they can decide what they want to do.

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NataliaSerene · 04/12/2021 23:12

I would try to respond with kindness.

As a practical matter, I’m sure the grandparents are going to want to see their grandchildren. I’ll guess you’ll have to sort out how to arrange things.

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olivehater · 04/12/2021 23:13

That’s a completely shitty thing to say. As someone who struggled myself I would never have dreamt of saying anything so nasty. And to ban her parents from seeing you is unforgivable. Sure when she does hey her kids she will insist on making Christmas all about them and forget she snubbed her nieces and nephews. And she’s only just started trying FGS. She sounds like a narcissistic bitch.

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toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2021 23:13

I wonder if she thought she would be pregnant when Christmas plans were first made, maybe she thought she would be announcing the good news over Christmas Dinner, but now realises that isn’t going to happen so can’t face being with you all

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Pantsomime · 04/12/2021 23:15

Sounds like she’s really struggling at the moment and has probably been quite candid as you do know how loss feels. She is wishing for your good fortune which may or may not happen to her. Then terminology used is not great but the reality is that she doesn’t know if she’ll ever sit down to Christmas family lunch with her own children. It’s not a personal attack on you, shes stating her wish to be in your shoes.

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Jibberjabberhutt · 04/12/2021 23:15

I know she’s in a horrible place and is feeling sad, but being sad about not having pregnancy success after six/seven months doesn’t give you a pass to be spiteful. Because of her relationship with your husband, I can’t help but feel she’s taking it back to childhood and making their parents choose her.

I think I would echo what a PP said very well and would send a fairly brief message saying “my ‘good fortune’ came with a lot of misfortune, but I understand.”

And leave it there.

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TakeMe2Insanity · 04/12/2021 23:16

Look she’s phrased it badly. In truth she can’t see past her own pain to even register the pain and trauma miscarriage or of a later loss. However in all seriousness I genuinely don’t think she meant it maliciously . Take a deep breath, text back in the morning and say it’s ok. Enjoy your xmas with just your family.

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sunnyandshare · 04/12/2021 23:16

Why are people comparing this with IVF, if, according to the OP they have been TTC for 5-6 months? They are not suffering from infertility and they are nowhere near THE I F stage!

OP I wouldn't even respond to her. She is clearly hoping for a reaction here, don't give her the satisfaction.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2021 23:16

@NataliaSerene

I would try to respond with kindness.

As a practical matter, I’m sure the grandparents are going to want to see their grandchildren. I’ll guess you’ll have to sort out how to arrange things.

Huh? OP’s invited them all over for Christmas where they can see their grandkids. If they decide to drop out how’s it her job to arrange anything else?
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Jibberjabberhutt · 04/12/2021 23:17

Sorry, by “you a pass…” I meant the general ‘you’, not you OP.

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Cyberworrier · 04/12/2021 23:17

Agreeing with most PP, trying for less than six months is not infertility. Also- you have children! It's not like you're newly pregnant, which I personally have found can be more triggering in contrast with my infertility. My husband and I have been trying for 3 years, the prospects aren't great for us but I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with my sibling and baby nephew. It can be painful/bittersweet but at the end of the day I love my sibling and I love their child.
If your SIL doesn't want to come, fine, but she shouldn't deprive your PIL of their grandchildren and vice versa.

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Jibberjabberhutt · 04/12/2021 23:17

Huh? OP’s invited them all over for Christmas where they can see their grandkids. If they decide to drop out how’s it her job to arrange anything else?

Quite. For having the audacity to be a woman, I presume.

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NataliaSerene · 04/12/2021 23:20

I meant collective “you”.

I think the SIL is being unreasonable and putting everyone else in a ridiculous position.

But I’d hate to be in the grandparents position, where one child is behaving as if wounded and asking them to choose. So I’d be happy to help create a solution that allowed them to do both while not disrupting my own family’s enjoyment.

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Quartz2208 · 04/12/2021 23:21

I think you just need to take a deep breathe and recognise this is her issue and not personal to you

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NataliaSerene · 04/12/2021 23:21

@Jibberjabberhutt

That’s a stretch. In my house we work together to make plans. When I wrote “you” I meant. OP, her DH and her PIL’s.

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EmilyEmmabob · 04/12/2021 23:22

She's being massively unreasonable OP. Take it as a huge red flag, she's splitting the priorities of her parents because you have kids and she wants them. She wants to be in your position which, although might upset her, isn't something deemed out of her reach she just doesn't have kids 'yet'. What will happen when she does have kids? What happens with the in-laws then? I can pretty much guarantee you won't be seeing them unless SIL deems it ok (ie. If she doesn't want them around for whatever reason). Honestly, I've been there and it does not get better.

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