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SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us
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gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

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gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 23:59

Thanks for all the replies - I really do appreciate it and especially the different perspectives.

She does not have infertility, they started TTC in June, casually I was led to believe from conversations though I appreciate it's a very private matter. We've always been close, she knew I'd struggled TTC #2 and so she asked about coming off the pill etc after the wedding so I do think from conversations we've had that it has been 6 months TTC. To suggest that is infertility is an insult to couples everywhere who have genuinely battled this for years. I have no first hand experience but a close friend has endured 5 years of infertility to get her baby - the two are not comparable.

I understand WHY she might not want to spend xmas with us and I accept that completely- people respond differently to the pressures of TTC. My issue primarily was her reference to our good fortune because it feels so flippant with her knowing what we have been through. And any loss will send you into a pit of despair but my late MC almost broke us, genuinely. And she knows that, she was there with me throughout.

I think I will send a response to say I understand, I don't know whether it is worth pulling her up on her comment of our good fortune because now, I am truly blessed with my children.

I will probably discuss with my MIL separately to let her know they are welcome but I understand the situation. The in laws not being there won't matter much to me, it might upset my DH but it will mostly be sad for them in that they will miss xmas day with the 4YO who is at a brilliant age for xmas.

I wasn't in a great mood before I read the message and so I instantly reacted badly, perhaps hence the post on here. I won't respond to her until tomorrow anyway, I think it's the comparison that she's got it so bad which has just got my back up. I do not want this thread to descend into loss vs infertility hardship because she isn't infertile, not so far as I have ever been led to believe.

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Laburnam · 05/12/2021 00:00

She has been horrible at the end of the day you’re family and this is not the way to get your support at all. What if it takes her a year or so to conceive are you meant to not see her hide your children away this screwing up her relationship with you, your children and your brother?

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newusername2009 · 05/12/2021 00:01

I think she worded this badly but is obviously in pain and I guess this can make you selfish. I remember being so jealous of my SIL having babies with no problem when it wasn’t the same for me. I have my kids now but don’t forget the pain I went through to get there - it def made me selfish I’m afraid to say.

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newusername2009 · 05/12/2021 00:03

Oh and just to add, I knew early on I wasn’t going to get pregnant, this was proved medically much later on but I realised it within months of trying. Of course I could have just been crazy but I knew

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Heartdogs · 05/12/2021 00:04

Your parents in law have already accepted your invitation. They cannot decline and accept a different one now without being rude. I would just carry on as though I expected them to come.

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gloriousgolden · 05/12/2021 00:05

I don't really want to defer it to my DH to respond. They don't have a great relationship, she tends to correspond through me for family things and I think by getting him to respond to her, it would almost look as though I was stone walling her? She is a selfish person in many respects but I want her to know I'm approachable and I am here for her and I think getting DH to respond would ruin our relationship in that respect?

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starfishmummy · 05/12/2021 00:06

I wouldn't engage with her over this, I'd just say something like "it's fine". Of course I would never invite her to another Christmas again (but I wouldn't tell her that at the moment).
As for your in laws I'd contact them and say that even though SIL has cancelled, their invitation still stands if they want it to and its up to but that you would like to know either way ASAP.

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starfishmummy · 05/12/2021 00:07

*up to them

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Totalwasteofpaper · 05/12/2021 00:08

Yanbu but She sounds like a drama lama and attention whore so a reaction is what she's trolling for.

I'd say something incredibly bland like "thanks for letting us know ahead of time. Hope you enjoy your Christmas plans"

Don't discuss ANYTHING to do with PIL and get your DH to ask what them directly what are doing. If they don't want to come keep it bland and just say "fine".

Enjoy your children and enjoy Xmas without their dickheadery

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LocalHobo · 05/12/2021 00:08

The in laws not being there won't matter much to me.
This doesn't sound like you care much for DH's family, maybe this contributes to SIL prefering to feel she is in a nurturing, loving environment for Christmas.

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givethatbabyaname · 05/12/2021 00:09

You’re a better woman than me, OP. I wouldn’t have the time or energy to be so thoughtful to someone who’s so thoughtless. I used to. But at this age now I just dgaf.

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Jibberjabberhutt · 05/12/2021 00:11

[quote NataliaSerene]@Jibberjabberhutt

That’s a stretch. In my house we work together to make plans. When I wrote “you” I meant. OP, her DH and her PIL’s.[/quote]
What are you talking about @NataliaSerene? I was talking about my own post... Confused

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controve · 05/12/2021 00:18

She's being ridiculous, ttc since June and fresh off the pill is no time at all. Her wording was also very insensitive to you.

However I'd just say thanks for letting me know, hope you have a lovely Christmas. Your PILs would be rude to then switch venues however it would be their loss. You'll have a great time regardless with your family.

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gloriousgolden · 05/12/2021 00:18

@LocalHobo I think you've read far too much into that statement.

I get on incredibly well with the in laws, I see them independently of my husband multiple times a week, we go out for lunch, we really are good friends.

It's Christmas Day. As long as I have my children, my DH and our dogs, I don't give a shiny shit whoelse is here - my family or his. It would be brilliant for them to be here, that's why I've invited them all (I'm not one for inviting people because it's the "right" thing to do" but I do understand they will now be conflicted between what we want and what SIL wants.

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saraclara · 05/12/2021 00:19

@LocalHobo

The in laws not being there won't matter much to me.
This doesn't sound like you care much for DH's family, maybe this contributes to SIL prefering to feel she is in a nurturing, loving environment for Christmas.

No, it just means that OP isn't going to sulk about it. She's got a houseful including her own family, so it's not the end of the world. She had however showed empathy for her PILs in several posts, sad for them because they won't see their GCs. That hardly suggests that hers isn't a loving environment.

Talk about putting the most negative spin on things...
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toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 00:20

Could they pop over in the morning and spend some time with the DC before going to SIL, if they don’t live far away?

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LocalHobo · 05/12/2021 00:23

Ahh ok, sorry, I'm so used to IL bashing on here.
It does seem SIL desires a bit more attention than she will get as a small part of a large family do.

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EmeraldShamrock · 05/12/2021 00:24

I'd wish her well and let PIL decide what they want to do.
I'm sure they'll want to spend the day with the DGC.
I'm sure the stress between SIL and Dbro is a factor too.

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EmeraldShamrock · 05/12/2021 00:28

My issue primarily was her reference to our good fortune because it feels so flippant with her knowing what we have been through
It was a passive aggressive spiteful comment, I'd be offended by her words.

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Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 00:57

"My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together."

Just be glad this spiteful prima donna isn't coming. Your PIL can make their own choices.

Have a lovely Christmas.

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CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/12/2021 01:02

Sounds really mean.
It’s just about OK to turn down Christmas. But to be honest that’s still a bit, come on, Christmas is to be with family and we all have ‘stuff’, whether it’s envy over money, health, children… and it’s the time to be with each other. Hardly a time to say you don’t to be around children, who are your relatives, because your ‘stuff’ is bigger than growing a connection with your own niece and nephew.

But OK, maybe let her off that…

But then to throw it in your face that you have it all OK, that’s never OK. She can’t say her pain is bigger than yours. No one can.

And then to say not only that she is going to pull your husband’s parents away? Wow. Just wow.

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ERGx · 05/12/2021 01:07

Most gps won’t even entertain fertility issues until you have been ttc for at least a year (unless she’s over 35) she’s being massively over sensitive I’ve been trying ttc for over 4 years and if I couldn’t cope being around children I’d never see any of my friends or family again as they all have children 🤣

I’d just be the bigger person tell her your sorry she feels that way and leave it at that. If your in laws don’t come that’s less for you to do on Xmas day.

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Blue4YOU · 05/12/2021 01:32

I’m going back to my earlier comment.. why can’t you accept she’s in a dark place?
Did she say she was struggling with infertility?
As far as the Op knows she’s been trying for a few months- there could be more to it.
Why is everyone piling on in a competition of who’s had worse pregnancy experiences etc?
It’s just fucking Christmas dinner not meeting Barack Ombama

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Blue4YOU · 05/12/2021 01:33

Obama even

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Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2021 01:37

What an insufferable, self-absorbed twat of a woman. I certainly wouldn't pander to her by saying you "understand." I wouldn't respond to her bullshit at all. Let your husband deal with her.

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