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SIL has now said she can't spend xmas around us
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gloriousgolden · 04/12/2021 22:43

My husband and SIL (his sister) have a strained relationship and have since childhood. I have always got on very well with her but she has a competitive edge which is draining after a while. She always said we would have weddings/children around the same time but it just didn't work out that way.

We have two children, 4&1years old and they have been trying for their first since June after their wedding in May.

It was agreed ages ago (aug?) that we would host SIL & husband, M&FIL and my parents and siblings, the in laws house is only a mile from us and my family will stay over.

My SIL has messaged tonight and said she can't see us over xmas, it's too hard whilst they're TTC and she can't have our "good fortune rubbed in her face." She's also said she would prefer her parents also decline so they can spend it together.

I haven't responded yet, I completely resonate with not wanting to spend xmas with babies when that is what you are yearning for.

But in between my two children, I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. She knows this, she watched me go through the entire fucking thing. The comment on good fortune has gone around and around my tiny head all evening and I'm pissed off about it, I feel as though she's worded it like that deliberately to hit a chord. I know I do have very good fortune to have two healthy children and I'm so grateful but fuck, the youngest was hard won and I feel as though she's poked the best a bit.

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Theunamedcat · 05/12/2021 06:34

She is going to miss out on her niece/nephew thats up to her but how does she get the nerve to say that her parents shouldn't see there grandchildren? I mean is this what it's going to be like when she has children a fight for attention? She sounds like she will bean count ie you had them see your children for years before I had mine therfore it's my child's turn?

It happens

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ohlordabove · 05/12/2021 06:43

@Monty27

Compromise OP
Maybe say you understand completely but plan to have DC's in bed as early as possible so that she can join you all for a glass or two and a bit of Xmas supper later on?
Just forgive her naivety and try not to cause a Xmas rift about it.
It'll end in tears otherwise. Ya don't need it. Christmas spirit and all that?

Why should she bundle the kids off to bed early so the SIL doesn't have to see them? Bloody hell.

I'd be offended that she doesn't want to spend time with her nieces/nephews at Christmas quite honestly.
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Antsgomarching · 05/12/2021 06:46

Don’t let it turn into a drama, just say “ok I understand” and let DH’s parents decide who they want to spend xmas with, just ask them to confirm if they are coming to yours or not so you can plan numbers (thats a genuine question, plus it will be clear for you quickly so you can move past it and enjoy your xmas)

Just let it slide, it’s not worth getting into it with someone who sounds like they will escalate. Absolutely don’t do anything that looks like you are minimising her distress. You will end up looking like the bad guy.

She is bvvvvvvvu but don’t rise to it. You have my sympathy.

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BeeDavis · 05/12/2021 06:52

She’s being a dick. She doesn’t have fertility problems after only 6 months of trying. I had the same issue with my fiancé’s cousin and his wife. We were luckily blessed with pregnancy only a month after TTC. We told family and his nana actually said to us ‘Oh I know someone who will be gutted about that’. Meaning his cousin and wife as they’d been TTC too.. for about 2 months before us. Seriously 🙄 and guess what.. she’s due next month! Made us feel so shitty when they’d not even been trying that long.

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SandysMam · 05/12/2021 07:00

Sorry for your losses OpFlowers
I wonder if she has been trying for longer than 6 months? They might have just officially said since the wedding but it could be much much longer.

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Georgy12 · 05/12/2021 07:14

I understand how she feels, I've been there as have many of us but she shouldn't be saying these awful things or trying to influence your parents, that's not on and would infuriate me. She should have done the decent thing (that we all do) and lie about why they couldn't come, to what a bitch, we all have our pain there's no need to add to others xx

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Jayneisagirlsname · 05/12/2021 07:15

Sorry for your losses OP and I agree with others that your ILs shouldn't be put in the middle or manipulated.

However, there are so many harsh comments about SIL being a drama loving and attention seeking woman. I can't believe that anyone would say that to her in real life!

Yes, she's not suffering with infertility but come on, even in the early days of TTC, every month was an agony with waiting and hoping. (3 years to conceive my ds btw). It's not a competition and like others have said, we may not know the whole story.

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Lasair · 05/12/2021 07:22

That’s really insensitive of her, maybe she’s had a miscarriage and this is her way of dealing with it? Who knows? A 16 weeks loos is horrific (speaking sadly from experience) I’m so sorry you went through that and yes I would be very angry if my SIL who I’m close with said I’d had good fortune when trying for babies.

I’m sorry op. Have a great Xmas!

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MyOtherProfile · 05/12/2021 07:24

Maybe she will calm down if you just send a polite ok all the best reply. Can you speak face to face with your MIL about it today? I wonder if she knows anything about it!

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tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 07:28

She should not have you would be rubbing her face in your good fortune, that’s just spiteful, especially given she knows what you went through.

I would just respond with a thumbs up emoji and take a step back from her.

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KaycePollard · 05/12/2021 07:34

I wonder if there’s also something going on between your DH and his sister that is as old as their lives, which you can’t really know about or understand in the subtle fundamental ways it is part of their characters and family dynamics.

One of my BiLs sometimes tries to intervene on sibling stuff and it pushes me off as he doesn’t understand the very subtle complex tensions that go back to childhood. Otoh, I know he’s defending his wife (my sister) so I just retreat.

So you might need to just back off. It sounds like there’s stuff going on for your DH’s sister that goes way back and that you may observe but can’t understand in a really deep way that your SiL does. Be polite and as kind as you can be, but also be resigned to family dynamics which were set up way before you knew your DH.

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EmmasMum12 · 05/12/2021 07:40

Can you be infertile after 6 months? 🙄😳

It sounds to me as if SIL is just trying to control the dynamic and stop PIL seeing you as a control thing too

I'd let her get on with her ever decreasing circle life, and contact PIL separately to say they are welcome at yours any time

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lborgia · 05/12/2021 07:43

PP has covered part of what I was picking up from your original post. There was a decent bit of background in there and I may be accused of reaching but this is absolutely about trying to control the family and the day.

The fact that your DH keeps her at arms length, she's competitive and loud and group gatherings, she is now"behind" in her plans.

The final nail, for me, was wanting to decide where her parents went for Christmas day. These are all things I've experienced - when I got to that last point, I got a full line in Bingo.

Do not engage. Speak to your DH, or inlaws, and say they have to make their own decision about Christmas lunch, but whether they stand up to her is doubtful.

Good luck, and enjoy the peaceFlowers

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lborgia · 05/12/2021 07:44

And then a xpost - yes to this too^

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Bunnycat101 · 05/12/2021 07:47

I think you can acknowledge Christmas but might be difficult for her but also say that you found her phrasing a bit insensitive given your own losses.

She shouldn’t be making demands for your pil to not join you. 4 is a magical age for Christmas and they’d be missing out. Mine were that age last Christmas and I know my in laws were especially sad to miss out on seeing my eldest’s excitement last year.

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PinkMochi · 05/12/2021 07:50

I would pull her up on the “good fortunes” comment and her passive aggression. Text something like:

“It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. I don’t deserve your comments.”

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Lairymary · 05/12/2021 07:59

I think the "rubbed in her face" remark would annoy me the most. Like you have gone out of your way to have 2 kids to personally spite her!

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Welcometothejingles · 05/12/2021 08:00

She is deliberately causing a rift by making her parents choose between which child they choose to spend Christmas with: your dh or her.

She's a nasty piece of work op and she's using ttc as an excuse to establish herself as top dog. I ttc for 8 yrs and didn't behave like this, she's awful. Spend Christmas with your family because she'll only try and spoil yours.

She wants attention and drama so I'd deflate her ego with a cheery text ' As you wish, I hope you have a good time' & say no more. It'll do her head in, it always does for people like that.

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tallduckandhandsome · 05/12/2021 08:03

@PinkMochi

I would pull her up on the “good fortunes” comment and her passive aggression. Text something like:

“It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. I don’t deserve your comments.”

Yes, send this.
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lljkk · 05/12/2021 08:04

Definitely a larger situation beyond your control, OP. Be gracious. Message back "I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now, hope to see you soon under other circumstances" & make your contingency plans on the possibly varying head count to cater for.

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Riverlee · 05/12/2021 08:05

As others have said, it’s fair enough they don’t want to come as they don’t want to be around young children (their loss), but it’s unfair to us-invite their parents/your in laws to your house. What do the parents say? Guess they’re going to be caught in the middle between supporting their ‘infertile’ daughter’, and coming to you, who invited you first and spending time with the grandchildren.

The ‘good fortune’ bit isn’t too bad. However, the ‘rubbing In your face’ is a bit strong, as you’re not doing that, just being parents.

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Whywonttheyhelpme · 05/12/2021 08:09

Don’t pander to her but keep it light.

Hi SIL. I fully understand how frustrating it feels when trying to conceive. Our “good fortune” as you put it did not come without difficulties, as I’m sure you remember. If you feel it would be too difficult to be around the children then I fully appreciate it but I don’t think it is right for me to un-invite the PILs. I’ll leave the invitation open. If you change your mind then let me know.

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TillyTopper · 05/12/2021 08:12

I'd keep the reply low key "Sure, I understand, and no problem. Hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway" or similar. I'd then ask the parents what they want to do, but say you need to know by X date as you are planing and buying food/treats.

Personally I don't understand the "I haven't had good fortune so it hurts me to see others have" - but I know this isn't a popular opinion and I'm sure it can be difficult. So I'd treat her gently but wouldn't let her create a drama. Really the important thing is that you, DH and your 2 DCs have a lovely Xmas together. Never mind the rest of the family and their plans.

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JetRocket · 05/12/2021 08:16

Oooh this would irritate the hell out of me OP!

Drives me crackers when people who have been TTC for

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QueenJeanie · 05/12/2021 08:17

@PinkMochi

I would pull her up on the “good fortunes” comment and her passive aggression. Text something like:

“It’s ok to decline our Christmas invite, but please don’t say that I have “good fortunes” and “rub these in your face.” You know that I struggled when ttc for baby 2. You know I suffered an ectopic where I lost a tube, two early losses and a 16wk loss. I don’t deserve your comments.”

Agree with this completely

There isn't a TTC Top Trumps ffs
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