To think that the sadder you are the less people want to help you

[Whereisalltherumgone]

Just an observation really.

Person 1: A “strong” person. Always happy (or seems to be) coping, wprking hard, surviver.
If person 1 looks a bit tired or emotional, multiple people ask if they are okay and if they need a hand.

Person 2: Somebody who has lower coping capacity,?frequently feels overwhelmed, asks for help on a semi-regular basis, quite easily moved to tears. If person 2 is looking stressed or emotional, it is not commented upon, no support offered.

This is what I see at my workplace. It’s common isn’t it? I suppose it’s the ‘boy who cried wolf’ problem, except person 2 really genuinely struggles, it’s just once people realise their offer of support may actually be taken up, or needed again, they don’t want to know.

Does this pattern sound familiar to others? AIBU?

I don't think it's Boy Who Cried Wolf as much as people have a certain capacity to help and worry about opening floodgates of need. Or being unskilled to help.

If I help person A it's likely to be a short one-off. I don't have endless time to help.

There is also person 3. Who is normally OK and helps everyone but now has a personal, ongoing crisis. This person often gets a lot of support for a long time.

I'd be more concerned with person B- much easier to go over the edge when you've been on the edge for longer, IYSWIM.

I was always the type that dropped everything if someone needed a bit help or support. That all stopped when I discovered who would do the same for me. You get fed up very quickly of being the person everyone comes to when they have problems. When you have them, you very quickly find out who would be there for you. Sadly, I discovered not too many.

Yes, that sounds familiar.

Person 2 might need to identify ways to help themselves, otherwise you risk becoming their emotional support person which isn’t sustainable.

There is usually an element of compassion fatigue- it's 'easier' to help someone who asks or needs help less often- usually it's situational, temporary, and 'help' will improve the situation. Someone who is continually lower, where there is little chance outside influence/ assistance will change the situation, the support needed is different and doesn't 'change' the situation. The second type of person needs a different type of support to person A, which is harder to provide for some because there is no 'end' in sight.

Yes. Person 2 can become very wearing, especially if they are not seen to be using strategies to help themselves or act on guidance previously given. They might have lower capacity to cope but I have limited capacity to support and deal with my own problems effectively too.

I agree OP. I have chronic mental health and physical health issues. No one helps me really other than my DH. Partly my fault as when I first became physically unwell I cut myself off from people a I didn't want to always be going on about my health and I wasn't able to do what I used to which I want sure people would understand.

It's led to me being very lonely. I'm trying to reach out now when I'm able and do want I'm able to do but am very conscious that people only have so much to give. It's very isolating which makes the health issues so much harder. Not sure if there any solution though. People have their own lives.

It makes me so sad to read things like "person 2 can become very wearing". I feel like a social life and support network is only there for people who are fit, well and can be cheery for the vast majority of the time.

It's true

@SD1978

There is usually an element of compassion fatigue- it's 'easier' to help someone who asks or needs help less often- usually it's situational, temporary, and 'help' will improve the situation. Someone who is continually lower, where there is little chance outside influence/ assistance will change the situation, the support needed is different and doesn't 'change' the situation. The second type of person needs a different type of support to person A, which is harder to provide for some because there is no 'end' in sight.

I'm a person B but help and compassion from others DOES help the situation (at least from my perspective) and makes me feel like I can make it through another day. The worst thing anyone can do when I feel like that is turn away and not offer support.

I’m a “strong person” , basically a bit of a rescuer and I don’t get this at all

People always assume that I will crack on with things 🙄

If this is in a workplace, I’d struggle to be working with person 2. I go to work to work, I don’t want to become someone’s emotional crutch or sounding board, especially a work colleague who may not be someone I’d have anything to do with outside work. Sounds draining and unprofessional if this is CONTINUOUS behaviour and not the result of one off external trauma (ie relationship breakdown) maybe person b needs to find something more suitable they can cope with if they are not coping with the job itself.

If person 2 is a family member or friend - totally different. Yes it can definitely be hard to have to keep supporting person 2 but I’d be free to give (or not give) what I can. Some people cope better with what life throws at them than others for a variety of different reasons, and if it’s a friend/relative you’re talking about and not a workplace situation, the person cast in the support role has more choice about what support they are able to give and when they are able to give it.

Person 2 "moved to tears" would get an eye roll from me - it might be harsh but if I'm being honest I couldn't be done with the dramatics and theatrics snd would be inclined to think eventually that they are just an attention seeker

If person 2 is quite easily moved to tears, and are continually overwhelmed, are they in the wrong job? Should they speak to management/hr to get the help and support they need (or should management be recognising there’s a problem and be taking action?). Is 2 appreciative of any help offered, or if continually needing help, not learning from earlier help and support?

Maybe as 1 is struggling, , something must really be wrong, hence people notice it more, as they normally cope okay.

Person A tends to be resilient to be able to compartmentalise their life and challenges, better than Person B who can't demarcate their challenges, or use work as a coping mechanism to divert their energies, or whatever they can to keep their job going and avoid their personal life spilling into work.

Everyone has challenges but when they overtake work, then it's draining for the Person As of this world who "keep on buggering on" as best they can, so their colleagues aren't adversely affected and having to pick up the slack the whole time.

it’s just once people realise their offer of support may actually be taken up, or needed again, they don’t want to know.

Not at all - I'm fine with giving practical support I can, within reason, in fact if there is something tangible I can do, then of course I'll offer and mean it, eg bereavement support or illness of child etc, but I'm not fine if a Person B constantly brings one drama after another to work and there never seems to be a practical resolution. We come to work to contribute and be a team, not be a fixer or expert problem solver for someone's every issue. So if a Person B is building up to their next drama, then it can make me feel "oh God what now".

Sorry Person 1 and 2 not A and B!

Person A is a one off though, or at least it happens seldomly that is why it is noticed and help offered because it is unusual.

Person B sounds like they are either not coping in their job or have a personal life that is heavily bleeding into their work life. If they are frequently tearful and often ask for help then something is wrong and you would expect them to seek help in resolving the issue.

OP - is it the job or personal life of Person B that causes their upset?

Sounds like person 2 is either in the wrong job or needs to take time off for mental ill health. People come to work to do their jobs. They’re not counsellors and if they have to spend a lot of time supporting someone else it’s time not spent doing their own work so they have to catch up (we all need a bit of help now and again, but if it is all the time, or jobs they should be able to do it becomes frustrating). Suggest additional training and occ. health support.

YANBU.

Needy people are a real drag. Getting 'stressed and emotional ' all the time will repel people more effectively than halitosis.

I agree with JustATypo - the fact that this is a work situation makes this completely different. I'm happy to give support to a friend or family member, even one who needs it regularly, but a colleague - not so much.

I understand that everyone copes differently, but the way I see it, there's nothing to be gained by me making everyone around me miserable.

I've just nursed my DH through an appalling illness from which he died, far too young. It's been awful and I've had the support of lots of wonderful people, friends and colleagues, but during that time there have been happy moments and good times. I've still laughed with friends and been a reliable colleague. Despite moments of absolute despair, that I've shared with friends, I hope I've also been decent company and been there for friends. All relationships have to work both ways.

While all this went on, a colleague lost her mother. She has found it incredibly difficult and it's very sad, but she seems to want everyone to be miserable with her. She's also judged me for not being miserable enough. Now, everyone is different and you'd hope close friends would still be there for her, but it does get very draining, so you can understand why they might not. I think for colleagues it just becomes hard work.

In your example, person A seeming upset is new and different, indicating something has happened. If person B is always that way, there's no new reason for concern.

Basically, with all relationships, you get out what you put in. You can't always be on the talking side, although there may be periods when the balance is slightly uneven, over all, you need to be as valuable to others as they are to you.

*taking side

People don’t offer support in a vacuum... often person C (the one observing and offering the support) will have their own issues and difficulties, and while they may be able to offer one off support to someone like person A, this may feel like a more daunting task if it’s an ongoing thing. I don’t mean to be harsh but people have their own shit going on and don’t always have the time, mental space or inclination to provide ongoing support.
I’m person D... outwardly strong, never seen to struggle, never ask for help but inside often falling apart. I might look heartless if I can’t offer support to someone like person B, but it’s usually because I’ve got stuff going on that no one knows about and it’s hard enough keeping myself on an even keel.

I think it’s complicated. I have a friend who manages a team. One of her staff members is often very down, talks about her mental health struggles a lot, has called my friend out of work hours wanting to talk about it etc. Now, my friend suffers from chronic pain which she hasn’t mentioned at work because she wants to keep it private and doesn’t want people asking if it has improved when it hasn’t. My friend understands that her staff member needs help and she tries to provide it (listens to her, gives her the employee assistance number) but I don’t think she should have to be a constant sounding board and compassionate listener to a work colleague. As I’ve mentioned, she has things going on in her own life that are difficult to cope with. So I think what I’m trying to say is there is a limit to what you can expect work colleagues to do. Everyone has their own struggles and their capacity to help may be limited by their own issues which we know nothing about.